Kirstenalanna here for a much late...review. SORRY about that.
Here's my critique.
The paragraphs in italics are unnecessary and make it really hard to sink into the story. It makes it really fragmented as well, because the POV seems to switch. Because this is the prologue, I'd suggest making it more concise.
Either take out the italics, or make the entire chapter itself in that POV/ thread.
Hope this helps!Author's Response: Thanks very much for the feedback it has helped alot and I have taken everything on board. Thanks for taking the time to read :) Report Review
You have followed up the prologue really well here so good job. The characterisation of Rose was consistent with what you set up in the first chapter. I liked her internal monologue while the chaos of her family was humming all around her. It showed clearly where she saw herself and how isolated she really was.
There was quite a bit of humour in here and it showed a lot of the personalities of Hugo and Al, as well as the rest of the extended family. Poor Rose, I could practically see her dying with embarrassment.
The chapter flowed nicely, form the beginning through to the station and through to seeing Scorpius. I did notice a few sentence structure errors and punctuation errors, but another read over can fix them.
I like how the story ended by bringing Scorpius into the story and then flicking back to the present day Rose. I would suggest putting a line break of some sort though between the sections as they kind of run together a little.
On the whole though, you have a strong start. The story is flowing well and the characterisations are good. The story is progressing at a nice pace as you bring in the different elements of the plot and the characters of the story :DAuthor's Response: Thanks again for looking over chapter 2!! I am glad tht you still enjoyed where this story was going.
I am glad that you could see Rose's character gelling into the background, I was also worried that this didn't come off the way I wanted to either, but as long as you can tell that she would rather just sit back and observe quietly then thats good =).
Gah! I know pesky grammar errors, I will try and fix that as soon as! Yeah I wasn't too sure if I needed the line break or not, but now you mentioned it I will certainly put it in.
Glad you enjoyed it and cheers for the review =)!! Report Review
Hello, here for your requested review.
I really liked this prologue, I thought it gave a really nice overview of where Rose was and where she is now. The italicized sections were also a nice touch and the message / philosophical dialogue was really well written.
I liked the characterisation of Rose. She was quite believable in both her personality and the way her looks changed. She seems to have a lot of insecurities that are still with her, even after the change in her outward appearance. You could also see the hurt within her and the heart break. Her emotions were portrayed really well.
The story as a whole flowed really well and I didn't notice any grammar problems. I found the last paragraph before the italics a little strange and somewhat redundant. I have read it several times and the sentence itself doesn't read well but it also doesn't seem to fully explore the topic and it feels like a bit of a tag on. If you were to remove it completely, nothing would be missed.
I liked how Rose was describe with her looks, but I also felt it was a bit over the top as it was Rose describing herself. Things like "glamorous ringlets" and "golden sunkissed complexion" are lovely descriptors, but I feel are more suited to descriptions within a scene ie..."she shook her glamourous ringlets", rather than a way somebody talks about them self.
You have set the story up really well though and have characterised Rose wonderfully with a very interesting back story. This is a really good start to the story. Well done.Author's Response: First off massive apologies for taking so long with this but my laptop has been playing up so I haven't really beenable to respond which I apologise for!
I am glad that you enjoyed the characterisation of Rose and that you could see the hurt in her, I was kind of worried that that wouldn't come off how I wanted it to. I will certainly look over that next to last paragraph, I don't want me readers to be confused in anyway lol.
I could certainly tone down the descriptions a little bit, as I don't want it to see too over the top. Once again thank you very much for such a helpful review. I will make sure to review everything with my beta so that we can make suitable changes. Thanks you!! Report Review
Hey Dom! Forgive me for the lateness of this review. I've just been putting off responding to reviews for as long as possible. This review is also for Blue vs. Bronze :)
Oh my God! I can't believe Albus and Hugo would do that to Rose. How embarassing. Poor Rose, she never gets an easy life, does she?
It was lovely to see all the family together on the train, as it will probably the last time. I feel really bad for Rose! She's a loner really, but none of her family even know!
'But there is only so much loneliness a person can take'
That quote just made me want to hug her SO badly. I hope you're not going to be too mean to her in future chapters?
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Ha Ha not worry =). Yayayay she really needs a good hug! You are right her life is far from easy. I cannot give away my secrets ;) but there may be more mean-ness lol (totally gave them away lol) Thanks ever so much for the review!! Report Review
WitchyWoman here again!
I liked this chapter too! I loved the interaction between the cousins. It was funny and showed their personalities well. I am interested to find out what will happen with Scorpius. I don't think that there was anything that I didn't like, other than the cliffhanger at the end! Great job again!Author's Response: Gah, cliffhangers stories wouldn't be the same without them lol. I know there were many characters in this one but I kind of wanted to get the vibe that it is chaos so when Rose is alone you can feel her loneliness, so I am very happy that you enjoyed the interaction. I am glad that you still enjoyed it and thanks again for taking the time to review!! Report Review
I think this was a great insight into Rose's mind and showed her previous insecurities well. Your descriptions were great. I could picture exactly how she looked and how she now looks. I liked how her hair was described as "it looked like I had my mum's old cat, Crookshanks, on my head, until they realised it was actually my hair." That made me smile! I didn't find any issues with the flow of the story. I liked the reflection back to her Hogwarts' days and that you made Al a Slytherin. I am interested to figure out her past with Scorpius.Author's Response: Thank you very much, for taking the time to review!! I am glad that my flow and descriptions were ok, I was kind of worried about those, sometimes my writing doesn't come off the way that I would like it too. I am glad that you enjoyed it, thanks again =)!! Report Review
O o o o. Look. Leaving us a at a minor cliffy! I like! (And hate)
One can really get into Rose's mind here. Again, the dialogue kills me. I haven't read many nextGen fics so I'm hardly the expert but I'm really liking this one! The family moments are so there for me.
I also live for love/hate drama! And I like how you're going from the past and taking us to the present (I'm guessing) for the rest of your story!
I'll be keeping track of this one!Author's Response: Yayay!! I am glad that you still liked it =), I am a bit unsure of chapter 2, but at least you liked it =). :O You don't read many next-gen's!! OMG next gen is what I live for, go read lol, go, go!! Sorry about the cliffy but I am happy that you still enjoyed my dialogue. THANK YOU!!! Report Review
This is quite intriguing. Good that you're letting the reader in just a bit, introducing the family, levying some of the seriousness with good ol' family moments (very funny with Al by the way).
I'm off to read Chapter 2!Author's Response: Thank you very much, I am glad that you enjoyed it =)!! Report Review
Hello dom! It's looking awesome so far!!! I love how you introduced malfoy! And I love that sense of foreboding that comes with any mention of him. Can't wait for the next chapter :)Author's Response: Hey hun =), Cheers ever so much for looking over it for me!! And I am glad you are enjoying where it is going. Hopefully I will get the next chapter to you soon (runs back to procrastination island) lol =p Report Review
Awwwh! That was so sad.
I like how you made Rose utterly imperfect. She's vain, she wasn't always beautiful, she has a temper... it just made her so much more well-rounded.
Her memories are sweet too, very fleshed out. I can almost remember them with her.
Be careful about the tenses, I think you switched from present to past tense while telling about current-day Rose after describing her memories :P
I really like your characterization of Scorpius! Many people portray him as a sensitive good guy; I'm glad you didn't, just because of the new perspective it gives me.
Overall, very good story so far! It left me thinking, which is all I can ask :)Author's Response: Thank you ever so much for the review!! Eek yes, I will certainly watch out of those tenses. I will make sure to re-send it to my beta =). Ha Ha yes, I thought that I would show Scorpius a little bit differently. I am glad that it left you wondering, thanks again =)!! Report Review
Wow, I really liked this. I think it was an interesting and new take on Rose, as I haven't seen anyone make her an awkard book-lover yet, but I liked it. It seems to be more original than most of the Rose/ Scorpius fics out there and I think it's a really good start to the story. Your sentence flow and word choice was absolutely magnificent, and I really got the emotions that (I hope) you wanted me to get from Rose. Excellent job on this! 10/10Author's Response: Aww, thank you very much I am glad that you enjoyed it. I am glad that I got that characterisation across of Rose, as that is how I wanted her to be portrayed. Thanks ever so much for the review!! And I m really happy that you enjoyed it =)!! Report Review
hullo! i have to say, the first thing that i thought of while reading is that *sniff* rose sounds like me. except for the becoming glamourous and beautiful and tall and long-legged and all that. with luscious hair. harumph.
but rose at school. i feel you did a good job with explaining to us the transformation. i like that rose is unconventionally aware of her current beauty, and although it seems perhaps a little unrealistic that she's so indifferent-seeming towards it, i think it's unusual...and i like that ;)
not hitting on rose, either. just saying. *blink*
you have some hilarious details in here; the cheddar cheese, Albus's--you know--crookshanks...it was pretty amusing but, even though i like it, i'm not sure that these fit in with the overall tone of the piece. they sort of took me out of the contemplative tone that i feel you were working to achieve...but i dunno, i'll read the next chapter and see if i'm right about that, or if rose is really funny and this is just a more somber prologue. knowing you, i imagine that it could be difficult to reign in the humour but for a prologue which sets up the rest of the novel/novella/i forget which yours is, you'd ideally have a tone that set up your readers for what to expect in the piece as a whole.
i can clearly see that good ol' scorp is about to make a grand entrance at jamesie's party; and although i do feel that rose could have alluded to more of why she's so attached to him still--i'm guessing from the necklace that he romanced her for his own gain and then dumped her and left her clueless--but i am interested in what is about to go down.
with your wonderful track record it's bound to be some chapters chock-full of drama :)
and oh, one line that really mesmerised me is: "i shed the layers that i covered myself with and bared my soul to him." i think it's very well-wielded, only i think you mean to say "barred" my soul to him ;)Author's Response: Awww, thanks sooo much for the detailed review Lily *hugs*!! I still believe that you were an ultimate cool kid at school, I still think that you are lying to me! Yeah, I KNOW, the humour just has to come out *hides* after chapter 2 it will go back to angsty-ness I promise. Ha Ha I can't spill my secrets about good old Scorp face, but it will be interesting when Rose lays eyes on him again. I am glad that you enjoyed that line =). Argh you got me all confused lol bared/uncovered lol that's what I meant. I will have another look over that though =). Thanks again Lily!! Report Review
I really like what I've read so far. Hope you continue.Author's Response: Aww, thank you very much!! Yes, I will continue soon =). Thanks for reading and reviewing!! Report Review
Hyenni101 from the forums (again!)! :)
grammar: i did spot a few little errors in this chapter. "said my mum. Her eyes sparkling" would be "said my mum, her eyes sparkling"; "I tried to hold the back tears" would be "i tried to hold back the tears." There are several errors like this - none that make it hard to read, but just that detract from your...presentation? it distracts from the story. but it's no issue! just proofread several times, get your beta and maybe a friend to also read it just for special help :)
characterisation: there was a sorta character overload in this chapter. i love Rose - i thought her fading into the background (slightly) during the arguments was quite good, especially as you went on to explain her loneliness. but there were so many cousins! it might work if you perhaps introduced the more important ones first (hugo, james and al were all fine, seeing as we got to see them first) and then introduce the others slowly. if you exaggerate their personalities a little, it would help separate them :)
flow: i think the pace of this chapter is nice - it's good you spent it mostly on the train and at home, without skipping ahead to Hogwarts. it let me understand better Rose's life and her family, which is obviously a good thing! ;)
one little thing!
Biting my lip, I tried to hold the back tears." this is a little bit strange - perhaps if you change it to something more like "I sighed and bit my lip to try to hold back tears", it might just flow a little better. this just sounded a little bit disjointed!
but overall, your flow was good! :)
areas of concern: i do like it, although i'm slightly confused at why older Rose isn't being shown. I know she was speaking in the italics at the bottom, but i assume that the prologue will come into play later, so that is quite intriguing! :)
please don't hesitate to review again (if you can put up with my long, blabby reviews!) thank you! ^^Author's Response: (first off thanks again for another detailed review!!)
Eek yes, my beta sent it back all ready and perfect and I added in a few extra bits and just forgot to send it to her again, ek (never again I promise lol). I will definitely correct those and send it to her again =).
I know it is kind of cousin/family over load but there are a lot of Weasley's so I guess I was aiming for that hetic-ness lol, but I will absolutely try and re-work that.
About older Rose, she comes in again after the next three chapters. It's kind of so you can get a little glimpse of why Rose hates Scorpius so much!! Hopefully you will understand more, once I have added a few more chapters. Thanks again for the detailed review =)!! Report Review
Hyenni101 here from the forums! :)
my first impression of this story was along the lines of 'oh!' (in a good way). I love a good Rose/Scorpius, and i love reading stuff which is fairly original, so this seems great! i love the idea - that you've skipped all the angsty mid-teen stage and the relationship and jumped straight into it! i especially like that you've skipped Hogwarts - it gives you so much more scope and stuff to work with; you can be really creative :)
grammar: i didn't spot any glaring errors, so congratulations to your beta and to you for that! maybe if you just read through it one more time, to make sure you've put in all the necessary commas, etc, then it would be perfect!
characterisation: obviously, we've only met Rose here, but i love her so far. i completely adored the opening, with the old phrases used to describe life mixed in with various swearwords - it really showed her to be quite a feisty character, so i'm looking forward to seeing more of her!
flow: you said you were worried about this, but i don't really think you should be. i thought the chapter seemed natural and all fitted together well; it was well-explained (although i'm intrigued by Scorpius :D) and i loved your little anecdote about Albus. i love cute cousin pranks, and that was lovely. if you really feel that you want to make any changes, you could add a little more description, perhaps refer more to her current life, but i like it how it is right now - short and sweet :)
areas of concern: you said you worried about flow, whether it was interesting and whether i liked/disliked it. i've already covered flow, so on the others: it was interesting! i honestly am interested in where you're going to take this, and i can't wait to meet more characters! i did like it, so there's no need to worry! hopefully if you post around the forums and review people's stories, you'll gain more popularity and this'll get the attention it deserves :)
onwards to chapter two! ^^Author's Response: Aww, WOW!! Thanks very much for taking the time to write me a detailed review =)!! I am glad that it managed to keep you intrigued, that was kind of what I was aiming for as I wanted to keep the reader interested. I will definitely thank my beta!! I am glad you enjoyed my characterisation of Rose and that the flow was ok. Thanks ever so much again, I really appreciated your feedback =)!! Report Review
Spacing is much better in this chapter...Umm, sorry to criticize, but the transition into "four years later" was a bit rough, and the narrative into it was a bit weird as Rose wasn't narrating like she was about to tell a story in the previous chapter. The transition between the scene at home and the train scene was hardly noticeable however, so good job.
So, to talk about plot, since there's definitely more in this chapter. That was hilarious! I love how Rose had to be waken up from her dream and her whole family was taunting her about it! I don't know why Albus called her "Dora" though up there. It also wasn't clear who was teasing her, at first I thought it was Hugo and then read further to find out it was Albus. The compartment scene was also very funny. You introduced Scorpius well, but as seen in many fics where the name "Malfoy" is involved (we can blame Tom Felton for being so amazingly gorgeous) you described him as almost too perfect. It was a bit like the last chapter where Rose came off a bit arrogant, but hopefully, just like her other statement, it ties into a major plot point of a future chappie.
Wasn't really looking for errors in specific, but I did notice that there was an unnecessary comma in "Her eyes sparkling with, the beginning of tears. " Also, "Now being a sports writer after leaving the Holyhead Harpies to start a family." is not a complete sentence. I'm sure there's plenty more errors, but I wasn't really keeping an eye out for them, that's what betas are for... (Sorry! Bit tired tonight. :/)
You said that Rose is all alone because none of her family is in her year, but Albus went to Hogwarts at the same time as her as seen in the "19 Year Later..." epilogue of DH.
To blab about characters... You show the Potter-Weasley clan to be very exuberant, and I'm glad, I love it and it definitely keeps a reader (or at least readers like me) entertained. I love the little glimpse of an adult Hermione and the comparison of her to a house elf. Rose was definitely developed with her internal monologue in the compartment scene. The cliffhanger was good, once again. It wasn't as poetic as the last one, but definitely is keeping me interested. I'll just repeat the note about Scorpius being "too perfect." And, yeah...
I'm still very into this story, it has yet to bore me!
Sorry if this is too long to bear! I'm that kind of reviewer sometimes... :p
p.s. Update soon?Author's Response: Hi, thanks so much for the detailed review, I defnitely need it =D! This was the first story I ever attempted to write which is why it is so iffy and there is terrible grammar (lol it's a shame I can't use that excuse for my other stories lol) Anyway, yes, when I have the time I need to go back and re-edit both chapters which is why I haven't added a third one up yet. I know how and where the story is going to go, but I just want to make sure that it is clear for the reader, which is why I will try and re-vamp it. I certainly will look for a beta to help me, if anyone is willing =D!! Erm to answer a few questions in there, he called her Dora, as a nickname of her middle name Nymphadora and the thing about Rose being alone I ment as in none of her family that are in the same year as her, are in the same house as her:-). But like i said i will re-vamp and make it clearer. Thank you ever so much for the review, it helped alot=D!!! Report Review
So the first section of this chapter is very well written, it definitely draws the reader in, especially if the reader is into philosophical sorts of things.
Anyways, this is just a prologue, so not any character development besides Rose.
Rose is coming off a bit arrogant as she describes her current self. She sounds too perfect, too much like the media's version of beautiful.
However, besides that moment of narcissism, Rose sounds like a very interesting journey. I'm very interested in what happened between her and Scorpius and what caused her to go on her 2 year journey. Oh, and what happened in her 6th and 7th year that made her want to be invisible.
While looking at the box of memories, I was a little puzzled as to why she was even looking in it to begin with. However, finding the old photographs were a great way to bring in some humour and history with her cousins. And, of course, that let the necklace (or was it different piece of jewelry?) come into view and remind her of Scorpius, thus ushering in the beginning of a plot.
Last part definitely keeps a reader wanting to know what happens next. No criticism, your spacing is a bit weird though.
Hope this review was helpful in the slightest!
Liberty (Libby103)Author's Response: Oh gosh yeah I know, I always have dodgey issues with the spacing lol, i will try and fix that:-). She was looking through the box of memories to find the photo that she was looking for, i will definitely make this clearer as I am going to edit these chapters anyway :-). The reason why is descibes herself like that is because she strives for the media perception of beauty, which will be brought up later in the story. Thanks ever so much for the reviews, everthing you gave me was sooo helpful and much appreciated:-)!!! Cheers Report Review
YAY! this was a nice nostalgic type of chapter with deep thoughts- very good type of prologue. Perfectly sets the tone for the rest of the story and makes people want to read more! Also well written. My favorite lines:
Some people go off the rails.
Some go round in circles.
Others hit a dead end.
Now maturing like some cheddar cheese.
-great job! GO BRONZE!Author's Response: I do love cheese:-p!!! Aww so glad that you enjoyed it =D. Go bronze!!. Cheers again for taking the time to read and review:-)! Report Review
Love love love!! Poor Rose, she seems so lonely, I hope she finds some friends soon :( Also, very very intrigued with the Malfoy storyline, sounds scandalous...
Please keep writing, I always enjoy reading your stories :)Author's Response: Aww, thanks you so much!! I love you Dallas Jay *hugs*, your reviews make me smile ALOT!! Yeah this story is gona be a sadden :-(. As long as your reading, I will keep writing =D. Thanks for the review you LEDGE!! Report Review
This is such a beautiful start to the story. I love how you've shown so much of Rose's past without flashbacks. She doesn't care much about friends she made while at Hogwarts but as soon as she remembers Scorpius, she becomes very emotional. You've written that really well and I want to know why she feels so strongly that way.
I'm interested in the plot already and I hope you carry on writing it. :)
-Sophia xAuthor's Response: Aww thank you so much!! Yeah it's kind of a dark/sad/humour-ish story. I will continue writing it, I just have to make a few serious edits first though. I have a great plot for it, it is just putting it down on paper. Thanks so much for the review!!! Report Review
OH i think I DIIEEEDD!!
You are spectacular at humor! Seriously! The Pancake Scene of Doom was so funny! Oh i feel so bad for rose because that is absolutely one of the most embarrassing things that can happen to you. And I do like the family dynamic - Rose is clearly not a complete outsider, but she is a private person. She's not the type to be so open about everything (at least that is how you set up the character) so i like how you write rose towards the end of this chapter.
Grr. now I'm so curious as to what happened between dearest rose and darling scorpius! You can't leave us at this cliffhanger!! It's like Crucio! Unforgivable!
...-__-;; I know that was lame but really... i'm dying of curiousity!! Please update because it's a great read!
The best part of this was the dialogue! The interactions seem like they actually happened, not written.
The only thing i'll point out in terms of mechanics is punctuation in dialogue.
Sample from your chapter:
"Bloody Hell Rose, calm down" Said Al dragging Hugo to the door "Come on Hu let's go"
It really should be:
"Bloody hell Rose! Calm down," said Al, draggin Hugo to the door. "Come on Hu, let's go."
Okay, so punctuation isn't your forte; that's fine!! I think you should get a beta to catch those mistakes! The puntuation didnt necessarily take away from the enjoyment of the piece, but I did trip over some things as I was reading.
Overall great!Author's Response: Omg! Thank you soo much for the review it made my day *massive smile*. I am glad you liked the story and took the time to write me a review. Eeeek i know there are grammar mistakes, but i want to thank you for reading the content and not just focusing on the grammar. I do intend to fix it and i am in the process of looking for a beta. I am glad that you like the plot, there will be more twists and turns to come. Keep reading:-D! Report Review
great start. can't wait to see how the party is..Author's Response: thank you!! Keep reading:-) Report Review
i love it. t is so cute an dsad too i love itAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review:-) Report Review
Wow! I think u have a lot of potential!! Keep writing!Author's Response: Thank-you very much for taking the time to review:-) it means so much. Stay tuned it will get better promise!! x x Report Review
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