This is definitely my kind of story XD
There are loads of stories about boys being gay, but not many about girls, which I find really annoying. So this is really original, and Genna sounds like fun! I can't wait for the next chapter!
8/10Author's Response: Thank you! I wanted to put it out there I guess. Slash is not my forte, but I enjoy reading it so... Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and I hope to have the next chapter out soonish :) Report Review
LMFAO oh man this is funny
please update!Author's Response: I'll try my darnest. Thanks fior reading and reviewing and I'm glad you like it :D Report Review
Heyy, it's InspiredL here from the forums (so so so so so so sorry this has taken so long!!)
Firstly, I would like to say that I really like the spin you have on the cliched new girl goes to Hogwarts shebang. It's really nice to see a lesbian character in a story that had depth and isn't just insanely stereotyped. There are loads of slash stories with male/male pairings but I've not seen many with female/female so this should be a really interesting story! And well done for not going with the norm!
You're writing style is good but I did notice a few minor spelling/grammar mistakes and phrases that didn't read quite right. None of them were big enough to be a proper problem though!
I like the Genna character you have created and she seems really interesting so far. At first I thought she didn't seem upset enough about her dad having cancer because she explained it quite matter-of-factly but I guess when you're living with something like that you have to get used to it. Also, I started to see how she really loves her dad and hates thinking about him dying and is just trying to have as much fun with him as possible whilst he is around. I think that's a good attitude to have so good on her.
I can't comment too much on things like plot yet since this is just an introductory chapter but I will say that it was a really pleasant read and very enjoyable! It flowed well and did exactly what a first chapter should really... it introduced the characters, got the plot started and made the reader interested!
Hope this was helpful, feel free re-request when next chapter is validated if you want another review!
Lily ^_^Author's Response: Thank you a million times for this review! It really helped a lot and let me know that things were okay with this. I just really hope I can live up to my ideas! Thank you again! :D Report Review
Hello, gingersnape here with your review!
So, before I begin, I should really apologize for how very long this has taken! I m cringing right now, and I can't figure out if it's that this is a lot of days late, or that I can't count that high. I've only just gotten past three, but this four concept has me stumped, let alone anything above it. :P
Now, while I am procrastinating in learning my numbers, I'll go ahead and tell you what I thought about your story! I'll be going through the story and just giving you comments as I see them, and then I will be finishing off with spelling and grammar, pacing and flow, and my overall opinion. Now, let the madness- I mean review commence!
Not that this comment has anything to do with the actual chappie, but that was a great dedication! I don't really know why, but I just love reading dedications, so before I had even started the story, I was already liking the story. A whole lot.
Names! Oh goodness, I love character names! They always show so much about a character, and having the wrong name can turn readers off, but the right names can pull readers in right off the bat. As you may have noticed, Genna has a right name. :)
I have mixed feelings on how she brought up cancer. See, on one hand I felt like she handled everything very well and it was interesting to read something that is very present, but can often be forgotten in writing fanfiction. Then on the other hand, I was wondering a bit on how he had five years and was still so strong and just the technical details on that. Overall, I think that I really really like how you have it written in, but think a longer explanation of it and a bit more on how he had gotten through it all so well might make it stronger.
As for characterization, I really liked how Rachaelle was written especially. Actually, I though you did a very good job of getting all of the characters well defined and fairly likable yet dislikable. Very human, but Rachaelle was especially enjoyable to read and see how she worked. I don't really have anymore comments on that, but I do have to admit that I really like Rachaelle. Genna doesn't seem to like her, but I hope to see more of her as she seems to be a great person behind the whole brother snagging thing and protection and everything.
I really like how you called Genna's mother, "Mam," as it was a really nice touch that I sort of subconciously picked up on at first (of course, I reread chapters like ten times before posting my review so I've got everything, so I did get to like how it kept showing up and just really make me like Genna and her Mam.) and then added to what I had mentally figured about about Genna and her mother. It was one of those things that you remember and really like about her character and to that I say, hats off!
Spelling and Grammar: Pretty good. There were several little things that I saw, but not too many, so a quick run through would probably get everything that's off in it.
Pacing and Flow: Overall (I know, overall, I overuse that word. I really need to find my thesaurus because I've banned myself from the internet until this has been written.) I felt like you did a great job of keeping it interesting, getting me hooked, and moving from scene to scene nicely, while keeping the different moods of the different sections, and yet somehow cleanly pulling them all together. My one comment on it would be that I felt like not much happened, btu I liked how well I got to know the characters, that I feel that it isn't really a big issue, as I think you've done a great job of keeping readers interested even without the super big event.
Overall, I really liked this story, as you may have noticed by now, and would really like to read on with it. I felt like I was really able to tell what each character was all about and that is one of the things that can make or break a story for me. I am really impressed by how original this story is and love that you're doing femmeslash. This is one of my first femmeslash stories, though I want to read more now that I've realized how much I like yours. I can't wait to see how her sexuality comes into play later on in the story, and just think it is one of the better femmeslash chappies I've read. I don't have much to base it on, but I think it will turn out well.
Your writing is a lot of fun to read, as I greatly enjoyed Genna's humor as well as your writing style in general. It's really something that makes me feel like this is a good story to want to read, and I can see your effort on this story paying off with just how well in general this story is.
That's all I've got for now, and when you update, feel free to head back over to the thread and rerequest, no form necessary as I've already got your link. Unless you've changed your areas of concern. then you can just say that if you'd like. I can't wait to see how this turns out and wish you the best of luck keeping whatever great plunnies gave you this story! Actually, I am hoping to snag them for myself, but this story is my second choice for them to live in.
Have a great week and I hope to see you back on the forums in my thread because I love how good your writing is and nothing makes me happier than getting to read good stories and then reread them and reread them and look fairly in depth at them! Oh, and I apologize for having this go on so long. *jaw drops* over 1K?!? So this is where my NaNoWriMo words were instead of in my story like they should have been. :P
Have a good weekend,
-gingerAuthor's Response: Thank you so so so much! This was the most helpful review I have ever gotten! I'll definitely ask for your opinion more often! You seriously made my whole week with this! Thank you a million times and I hope you'll read more when it's posted or more of my stuff in general if you ever have the chance! Thank you! *hugs* :D Report Review
i love this :)
:DAuthor's Response: I'll update asap... I have to update like 4 other things first. I'm do glad you like this and thank you so much for reading and reviewing! :) Report Review
Hey there! I think you're doing a great job with characterization. Your characters have been well-introduced, considering it's only the first chapter, and all have fairly distinct voices already. I love the family arguments.
There was a plot issue I had, though. If both of Genna's parents are Muggle born, wouldn't they have considered going to visit a Muggle doctor when her father seemed to be sick? If the Healers couldn't quickly diagnose the problem, then it probably wasn't a magical disease. Since they are familiar with the Muggle world, they wouldn't be afraid of going to a normal doctor like pure blooded wizards might.
Great first chapter! Keep up your characterization!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! This was such a kind review and I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to explain about her parents not seeing a muggle doctor later ;) Report Review
Snidget here from the forums!
I must say this is an excellent story so far! Really unique and interesting ;)
I love the main character. She seems really down to earth and fun. The father too. He's my favorite so far. The mother seems like she has something stuck up you know where >.>
But I suppose she could be rather stressed because her husband has such a grave illness.
I love how you added humor in there when talking about such a serious thing like cancer. And I like how the main character has come to terms with the fact that her father will not be here forever.
I wish more had gone on in this chapter though. Like... some big event that just really pulls the reader into the story. But I suppose there will be some of those in upcoming chapters. I hope, haha.
Anyway, I can't wait to see where you go with this :)
Keep on writing, please?!?
-SnidgetAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review! Something fun happens almost right off in the next chapter and I'll defnitely keep writing. Thanks again! This made my day! Report Review
Hello, my dear! ^_^
So, I figured, you should probably receive a special award of sorts for the world's longest and sweetest dedication, but I have something better to offer *wink*. Take this massive, bone-crushing bear hug full of love! *HUGS*. Yay! That dedication is loverly and I'm slightly worried that it actually upstaged the actual story a little. Heehee. You are awesome.
I love the name you chose to give your MC. Genevieve. It's very... elegant, no? As you know, I love names and I used the same name in my own WIP novel, because it really has a nice, traditional ring to it. Did you know that Genevieve actually means 'the white one'? Of course you do, you smart girl. So the features of the girl you've chosen for your chapter image, you know, with the blond hair and all that, was very fitting and nifty. Nice.
I generally avoid reading slash, but I'm willing to make an exception for you this time, because you are a darling and how can I not read this when it's dedicated to moi? Heehee. You are spoiling us, you know, but I can't really complain. :P Anywho, this chapter is a good start for a story. Genna is a very feisty and interesting character, no? One of those tough-on-the-outside-softy-on-the-inside types. I like the voice you've given her. She's very honest and engaging. I like her so far.
I also enjoy how you've given the readers a good glimpse of Hayes family dynamics with how you've written that scene inside the car. It's a simple, casual incident but you've managed to introduce your characters using that and I think that's very clever. The slight, er, animosity between Mrs. Hayes and Rachealle (lol cute, unique name, btw :P) is very realistic. I dunno, mothers are like that with their sons, I guess. Like it or not, women in general are always selfish and a little possessive about their family and mothers have this sort of inner territorial tendencies and they feel threatened when another member of the female species outside of the family enters the picture. Heehee. You've clearly shown that in this chapter and you made Mrs. Hayes very human, you know? Great job, lovely.
My only gripe about this would probably about the cancer thing. While I must admit that it is a smart, plausible reason for her family being all over the place, I'm not really convinced about the whole set-up. Haha. Cancer is debilitating, it gets worse overtime, and it is a smart disease. To be diagnosed as terminal and be given five years is actually a marvel already, but I can understand that part. I dunno. I'm probably just looking too much into this, so forgive me for being a stickler, my dear. OR maybe I'm just being pessimistic and mean, too. Hahaha. It's just the whole... idea, of how her father can still be that strong after five years is slightly bothering me. It's either he survived it on the course of treatment for four years, or he is a wizard. The latter doesn't make sense to me either. Ack! That's just me, I guess. I tend to over-think about the nitpicky details sometimes. And speaking of being nitpicky, I also noticed that there were some minor issues of shifting tenses and punctuation misses (not to mention the formatting that distracted me a little :P) - watch out for those next time, kk? ^_^
Your writing style is very... hip. lol I sound like an oldie, but it's true. I can't find a better word for it. I've read some of your stuff and I always have that same impression about it. And rather reflective as well. I dunno. Some of the tidbits about your character, some of the word choices... they somehow remind me of you. ^_^ It's very cool, actually.
Alright. That's it for me, I guess. Took me long enough to get here, no? Heehee. Been a little busy. :P I hope this makes up for all my tardiness. Feel better, my dear and I'll talk to you soon! *hugs* I miss you! Psssh. You only talk to James these days. Hahaha. Just kidding. :P *wink* I'll see you around, my love. ^_^Author's Response: That was the best review ever! You made my year with this! I miss you too darling and I'll try to make up for the little things next chapter! I'm so glad you liked it and that you enjoy my style... It's not always easy to write as you know and I'm so glad you think I'm doing a good job! (That was the general consensus right?) Thank you so much for this! *hugs and lots of loff* Report Review
Katie! ♥ The world's longest dedication was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. It nearly made me tear up because of the truth and the beauty of it (and 'cause I'm disgustingly overemotional like that). Thank you so much sweetie! I love you!
Moving on before I spend the entire review raving about your dedications. This is so original. I like the reason as to why Genna moves around so much and how she acts so carefully around her father sometimes. I like her personality, she seems like a blast to be around.
I also love how you're trying slash! There's not enough slash, but even less femmeslash on this site. Genna seems very open about her sexuality, but does the rest of her family know? I'm wondering how the students of Hogwarts will react to this.
I liked the entire conversation between Genna, her parents, her brother and Rachelle. Genna and her brother get along well, and they tease each others and act like any sibling would. I also like how Genna's mom dislikes Rachelle (Mrs. Weasley and Fleur anyone?). Oh, and I thought I'd mention it was so clever of you to call Genna's mom 'mam'.
I love this story so far!
*finally releases Katie from hug*
LizzyAuthor's Response: Lizzy, you made my entire week (more like month or year probably) with this review! Thank you so so so much BBF! I love you too! I really love this story and the dedication is totally my fave part of the chapter xD
I love Genna! She's so insane and she's got this cynical/sweet twist going on and I lvoe writing her!
I'm not sure if her parents know or not. I think her dad does and accepts it. I'm not sure how to really work that in. I will though!
I'm glad you're glad! I thought I needed to branch out a bit, yeah? So, here we are!
And yeah, her mam's dislike of Rachaelle is totally based off of Molly and Fleur :P
Thank you so much again, love, for reading and reviewing and I'm so happy you liked it!
Loff you! *hugs*
Kate Report Review
*jaw drops* HOLY MUFFIN CAKES!! This was amazing!! I was just browsing through all the new stories and I saw your name and I was like WOAH!! I gotta read this! It was amazing! I loveee the plot line.
Rachalle is funny. I love how Genna teases her. Like her little joke with Thierry. I laughed so hard. Why don't they like Rachaelle? Is she mean, or is it just that they don't like her?
I can't wait for the next chapter! Please please please update soon!!! I can't wait to read the next chapter!! I can tell this story is going to be amazing!!
-GraceynAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing love! I love this story (did you notice it's partially dedicated to you in the hero section?) I hope it lives up to your standards! Genna doesn't like Rachaelle because she sort of took her brother away... But we'll see where their relationship goes :D Report Review
That was really good and the whole thing turned out so far left field of what I'd expected after having talked to you. But it's a good left field. The kind of left field where the outfielders catch all the homeruns.
What am I going on about?
To begin. Like. I said on your page, I was extremely excited to see that you put thought into her name, and that her name is unique, uncommon. This single point can really make and break a character for me.
I love the narrative voice you have here. I usually hate the first person, it seems a little... insincere when it is written in novels. But this voice seems so opposite, genuine and familiar. When I'm reading Genna's story, it's like I'm listening to an old friend talk about their day.
The whole cancer thing is scary (I like how it's a Muggle's disease, btw.) You don't see many stories with characters with serious, terminal illnesses, and it's a real problem that should be addressed even in the HP world. What made you decide to give him an illness? Is this a plot device to eventually define Genna's character, or do you know someone inflicted with the condition?
Tu m'as rendu heureux quand j'ai vu que tes caracteres parlaient le francais. Tu vois, j'avais l'intention de specialiser a la linguistique et le francais a l'universite quand j'etais plus jeune. Je ne sais plus si je veux encore faire ca mais la langue tiendra toujours quelque chose d'especial pour moi.
Apparently, I, too, am impressed by your writing.
--AxjionAuthor's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for such a long, fantastic review!
I've no idea what you're going on about, but I do plan to use her father's cancer as a way to help her develop. I don't want it to get too shallow. I want her to have something that's gonna keep her struggling even when things are going good, you know?
I'm seriously so in awe of how awesome you are!
Thanks so much for reviewing! Report Review
That's a good start to the story. You even have a reasonable explanation for Genna moving all around. Is Genna falling for a Weasley, Potter or other?Author's Response: Hm... we shall see, huh? ;) I'm glad you think it's a good start! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review! Report Review
wow- first of all I just must say that the worlds longest dedication was very pretty, I'm falling even more in Loff with all of the people you mention sweets:)
I really like the start of this story, takes in the reader and I just want to continue reading:)
I really like the way that you have pictured the disease and that it's not just over...
the characters seem so much like real persons is great:)
As always I loff your vocabulary;P
*hugsies*Author's Response: Thank you so much lovely! I'm so glad you liked it dedication and story! I'm really not sure where it will go, but I know it'll go somewhere hopefully good! Report Review
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