Wow. Something about your writing style is just... wow. I loved the first pharagraph, you just drew up a picture in my mind and... oh gosh I don't even know what to say! I just loved that first pharagraph, the way it was written, the pictures I got in my mind, everything.
It's rare to stumble upon really well-written stories, and I'm glad I found this!
Good jobAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness! I feel so warm and happy inside because of this incredibly kind and encouraging review. XD It means SO much to me that you liked my story that much, and that you left me a review of your wonderful thoughts.
I haven't updated this story in quite a while, but this review was the push I needed to continue with updating it. So thank you so much!! :D *hug tackles*
♥ Much love! Report Review
So, I just have to say that I love the name you gave Jame's girlfriend, Desiree, It's Desire, but with an extra 'e', very clever.
Just something small I spotted, when it stays to the same character, you don't have to repeat his name. We know who your talking about. Don't get me wrong, its fine the way you have it, I just think it would flow better if you changed some of them. :)
When you introduce new character into this chapter, such as Lucy, try not to describe them straight away, but let the reader slowly get to know them by adding the details of them throughout the story/chapter.
I think you conveyed Albus' feeelings really well here, but where was Scorpius throughout this scene? Or are you going to make them not best pals? Ummm...im very curious.
Not a bad job on these first chapters, keep writing!!Author's Response: Ahhh!! You again! XD *runs, hug-tackles to the ground, frolicks in a field of daisies with* haha
First off, zomgifreakingloveyou for noticing that Desiree is merely 'desire' with an 'e' at the end. And, obviously, that Desiree actually translates to 'desire.' Her name is purely symbolic that she is a manifestation of Albus' desire (though a real flesh-and-blood person rather than his imagination, LOL.though that could be a cool twist ;) )
I will definitely keep in mind to not repeat the person's name too often. I think because I mentioned James a lot, I didn't want the reader to get confused by which 'he' I was referring to, especially when Albus was watching James perform actions.
Oh yes, I definitely agree with you about not describing someone all the way right away! Thank you for reminding me of this! There are only a few characters that I sometimes just describe their entire appearance when I first introduce them, because it calls attention that their appearance is extraordinary (whether being extremely beautiful, strange-looking, ugly, or - in Lucy's case - interesting-looking) and is just an emphasis on that. But I agree that you shouldn't do that everytime. ^_^
The next chapter is actually entirely from Scorpius' third person POV, so I hope you really enjoy that! I don't want to give anything away about Scorpius and Albus' friendship, but I will say that if you went into this looking forward to a buddy-buddy bromance story of Albus and Scorp, you're going to be disappointed. :-/ It explains why they aren't close mates in future chapters, but you'll get a hint to it in the next chapter, if you prove to be the exceedingly perceptive reader you have turned out to be so far.
Thanks for all the help and encouragement. The first chapters are the rockiest, as I was just finding my footing with this story and the characters' voices, but I think as it goes along, it gets much better. At least, I HOPE it does. :P
I hope you'll come back and review the next chapter! ♥ Thanks again, it really means a lot that you took time out of your day to do this for me. :) Report Review
So the summary of this story sounds really cool, and the first chapter wasn't bad. Just watch out for repeating the same phrase twice, I know you might want it this way, but it isn't exciting for the reader to have to repeat what they read before- I'm mostly talking about the phrase "wish guaranteed to come true."
Also, a few tiny grammatical mistakes, such like "Albus didn't know what category he fit into"- 'fit' here, should be 'fitted', and at the part where it's talking about Scorpius, there should be an 'and' before the end part about the perspiration stinging their eyes.
Then at Lily's part, there's a line that says 'life live her'- I don't get what you were trying to say here, and the little part after this, should be 'living', not 'live'.
Going to read on. :)Author's Response: Oh my!! XD Thank you sooo much for this review, it's truly brightened my day. ♥
I appreciate all of the constructive criticism!
However, there were a few things that we are going to have to agree to disagree upon. ^_^
For instance, I believe that 'fit into' is the proper tense of the verb, for it is ongoing, not just just past tense as 'fitted' implies.
With the 'life live her', I understand how that might sound strange/confusing. Basically, have you ever heard the expression: 'Live your life; don't ever let your life live you'? It just means that you've gotta grab life by the reins and take charge of your own destiny. :) That's what I meant by not letting her 'life live her', but if you are unfamiliar with the saying, I can definitely see how that would be confusing!
I do, however, agree with you that 'her live her life' should be changed to 'her living her life.' Thanks so much for pointing that out!!
As for the part of the wish sounding too repetitive, I was just trying to make it clear that THIS was what he wanted, you know? But I agree that it doesn't flow as well as it could, so I shall try to tinker with a different wording.
Lastly, as to the sentence in the Scorpius section needing an 'and,' I purposefully omitted it, for the 'and' would make the list definitive to just those specific terms, while leaving it on implies those are just a selection of the options. That probably made no sense...haha, well, just know that it is not technically wrong to leave out the 'and' when listing things, and I did it on purpose. :P
Again, thank you so much for reviewing my story, and with such insightful advice! *hug tackles and pelts with gratitude cupcakes of your favorite flavor* :D
I'm going to send the next chapter in for validation today, so be on the look out for that. Also, THANKS for favoriting my story! ♥ Report Review
wow, that was a great begining, i realy wanna read the first chapter! your descriptions are just brilliant, keep doing what your doing and i cant wait for more!Author's Response: First off, I SIRIUSLY love your penname. :) It's adorable!
Second, wow, thank you so much!!! XD You saying my descriptions are "brilliant" and basically everything else about this kind review has made my day.
I promise to update as soon as the chapter for my other story is validated. :D Report Review
wow this sounds really intresting, I can't wait for the first chapter!!!
Great work on the writting, it really drew me in.
I really want to get to know the characters more, so please update soon! :)
A keen reader.Author's Response: XD XD Thank youuu!! I'm so glad you think my writing is great.
I have loads in store for these characters, and I'm excited for you to go through their journies with them. :)
I look forward to hearing more from you in the future. I'll update as soon as my other story's chapter gets validated! Report Review
A great opening chapter!
Update soon :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! XD I'm so glad you like it so far!
I already have a lot of it written, but I'll have to wait to send in the next chapter after a chapter for my other story on here gets validated.
Again, thank you so much for taking time out of your day to review. :) Report Review
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