Reading Reviews for Sins of the Innocent
29 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Tonks1247 New Beginnings

16th February 2012:
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks again!

I really liked this chapter too! You really advance your characters and differentiate them pretty good. Though I will admit, I get confused every once in a while with which character is being followed. Because sometimes you’ll have two sections of Eileen and then suddenly there will be a section of May, followed by Alyssa. So it just…I get a little caught up in telling which character is being followed. But really, I do like all three of your main characters.

Flow wise, it was pretty good. But again, there were phrasing, spelling and grammar mistakes that made it hard to read at times. I would really suggest a Beta, just to read it over and catch some of those errors. Some of it was comma usage; other parts of it were problems with general phrasing. It got a little confusing.

I also enjoyed some of the other small things you added. The beginning imagery with the comparison to Christmas was pretty cool. I also liked the concept of creating different spells and potions. Creating spells really wasn’t something I thought much of, which is mildly entertaining as Snape does create his own spell and I never really thought about it. And Half-Blood Prince is one of my favourites…anyway; it was a really brilliant idea. Even the potion thing. That was a pretty cool idea, making new potions to help with nightmares. It was great!

Overall, this was another good chapter. I enjoyed reading it! Great job!


Author's Response: Thank you for the review :)
I'm happy that you liked it, I'll look over the chapters and try to make sure that the swaps between characters are a bit more clear, there are however sometimes when I'll want the reader to be a bit puzzled about who it is, but being in a constant focus on who's being followed isnt good :/

I have tried to get a beta for this, but I guess I'll just have to go again, to make the story live up to it's full potential :)

I'm very happy that the spell-creating caught you, haha I've always been wondering how snape and people made their spells, cause it cant simply be wave the wand and see what happens, so i had to think something up for that :)

The potion making is actually more of a parallell to snape since Eileen is his mother, kind of made me want to show the connection :)

again thank you so much for reviewing



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Review #2, by Tonks1247 Express thoughts on life

16th February 2012:
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the forums, with your requested review! :)

As I’ve mentioned, I really don’t have a lot of experience in this era. It is an entirely new thing for me, but I’m more than glad I got the opportunity to read this. Because really, this was quite good. I know there isn’t a lot really into this era yet, but I like the start you have on this. The first paragraph really drew me in and had me interested in reading more. I wanted to see what more you had written.

And I quite enjoyed reading the different characters you introduced. There were quite a lot of them, but you really defined each of them in a way that was easy to tell who was talking. My only caution, not that you did a bad job in this chapter at all, is make sure you use the character’s name when you switch who you’re writing about. Just because it could get a little confusing with your characters.

The plot is still a little fuzzy, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You set up this chapter in a way that introduces the different characters and personalities quite well. And with that, I’m sure the plot will be laid out nicely as soon as I get to reading more chapters. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much here.

Flow wise, this was pretty good. There were some phrasing issues that sort of took away from the flow[I’ll comment on those in a second], but besides those, it worked well. There was a common aspect when you switched from one character to another and that really helped bring this chapter together as a whole. I am quite excited to get to read more.

Now I’ll jump into some of those phrasing issues and a couple other nitpicky things that I tend to get into [Grammar, spelling, and such]. [I also know it looks like a lot, but I quoted some of the passages, so it looks like it’s more than it really is].

“She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now. When it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for.
She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was… wrong. Really wrong.” –This you have split into two separate paragraphs. And while that’s okay, I think you could edit this up a little bit to help flow wise. My suggestion would be: “She was familiar with the old stories; she had always known that this was possible... But now, when it actually happened, the thing she had so been longing for? She couldn’t do it. She would not. It was…wrong. Really wrong.” –and then start a new paragraph with the line that follows after ‘Really wrong.’

“No the reason was that May had changed during the past months.” –Comma needs to be put in place after ‘No.’

“If she was to say a certain point that she had changed that would be it. When she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.” –The first sentence is a bit awkward, wording wise. So with that, I would suggest: “If she had to pick a certain point in which her world changed, that would be: when she had made the decision to climb down instead of leaving it the way it was.”

The last thing has to do when Allie was talking to Tom. Half of the time he is called a Prefect, and other times he was called Head Boy. He would only be one or the other, so you may want to look at that.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this. I love your characters and cannot wait to move on to the next chapter! Great job!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review and all the CC :)

I'll look into the suggestions you have, and I'll definitely edit this chapter later today so that it's clearer.

I'm very happy that you found it intreguing and a bit fuzzy cause thats the sort of mystic-sense I like the story to have, you never know who's bad or who's good.

I'm delighted that the many characters didnt confuse you, I've realised that introducing three main characters maintaining in different groups in one chapter could be quite risky, so I'm happy that you felt it worked well with the format and all :)

Again thank you so much for the review and I'm very glad you gave it a shot :)


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Review #3, by ginerva_molly_weasley Express thoughts on life

14th February 2012:
Hey :D Congratulations on writing your first ever fan fiction! I know it must be scary and nerve wracking but everyone has to start somewhere.

The flow of the piece to start of with is good, introducing several different events that happen, first with throwing us into the angsty action at the beginning, then including the bit about the dark arts, then the train journey. You have given us a lot of information about the story in the first chapter but whilst it seems to fit well please do be careful not to include too much action as it may seem a little rushed.

The writing within it's self is good however there are quite a few mechanical errors such as you writing 'Mays' instead of 'May's' and then 'lightener' instead of 'lighter'. These errors could be easily overcome if you considered getting a Beta for your story as it would make the piece easier to read and overall more grammatically correct.

You have also introduced a lot of characters in the first chapter and whilst I know with your first fan fiction is is so easy to get carried away and give a lot away in the first chapter, sometimes it's good to hold off introducing some of your main characters in latter chapters however with this story it seems to work quite well.

The characters also seem to have quite clear personalities that you've pointed out and you've also used a lot of description which can really make us connect with the characters. This is a good skill to have as the reader wants to read on to see more character development.

As far as I can tell, apart from the first paragraph you haven't yet revealed much of the plot and as this is a novella piece then this gives you a lot of information to release throughout further chapters.

Overall I think or your first fan fiction this is a very good piece and an inticing first chapter articularly because the characters are quite little written about really, especially Tom at school, so well done on being ambitious.

Author's Response: First of all thank you so much for the lovely reviews, I'm one of those who never consider myself above anything but love to get CC since the only way to improve, and see what needs to be improved, is by being told :)

I understand that the story can feel a bit rushed if I throw in too much action. This chapter worked pretty well with it but I'm guessing some of the later might've been a bit too hasty so I'll certainly try to tell a bit more between the main events so that the reader gets time to settle with what's happened before something new does.

I felt a need to introduce my three characters in the first chapter to make the "mystery" of the start even bigger, like you know one of them will stand before him having to commit a murder but you dont know who :)

Thank you again for this review and I'll make sure to try and clarify things a bit more :)



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Review #4, by BettyMaeStrange Riddles in the dark

13th February 2012:
I've enjoyed these chapters a lot - stories including Tom Riddle in his school years have always been very intriguing to me, and I think you've portrayed his sly character brilliantly. I hope we can see more of him in the future! ;D

You offer great, detailed descriptions which really engage the reader, but I'm going to be horribly honest and say that I'm not entirely sure what's going on.

You jump around a lot in between scenes, and I often find myself questioning how A just got to B. You mentioned that Eileen was 'Petrified', but when I was reading Alyssa's actions in the morning, I had no idea Eileen was even there or that Alyssa had even cast a spell on anyone. I know it's monotonous, but sometimes you need to literally spell it out to the reader what's happening, or else they'll be reading things in a state of confusion which needs to be avoided to keep the flow going.

Another thing (I'm so sorry for this - I don't mean to sound mean, I'm honestly trying to help!) is that you haven't specifically stated what the character's feel towards one another. What does Alyssa feel about Tom? What's her relationship with William? Who IS William, and also who is Keenan? Again, make it blindingly obvious who these characters are, even if you mentioned it in a previous chapter. With the first few, the readers aren't going to be entirely settled with the story, so small details aren't going to be fully digested.

Alyssa seemed to be friends with Eileen, and yet suddenly she hates her. Has she felt like this for a while? I think what's missing is background information on the girls' friendship to add a sense of familiarity with the characters and make us feel more comfortable with them. I'm not entirely sure what anyone's intentions are in the story, but I'm assuming that's what the secret is - you're definitely keeping us hanging!

I did enjoy this chapter, but I'm just a bit confused about what's happening, and I'm so sorry for the CC, but I hope you've found it helpful! I look forward to reading the next chapter!

Bethan. x

Author's Response: THANK YOU! for being completely honest and stating what you think; This is one of the best reviews i've gotten because it tells what I need to think about. A lot of pointless praise never created anything :P

Ah, I never realised that so much could fall out of my story; In the start Eileen is sleeping in the common room and Alyssa is just being mean (that this might be a bit confusing I understand, I was in a complete outrage after she had done that because it wasnt in my plan! she just decided to jinx her on her own behalf... took me a while to fingure my way out of that situation actually XD)

I'll work to clarify things in my story to make the actions clearer and open to everyone while still maintaining the mystery :)

Actually I dont know about Alyssa and Eileen yet, I'm pretty sure that they have known eachother but not how well. I intend to let their actions towards one another make more sense in following chapters.

As well as I'm going to stir things up a bit ;)

The main thing with my story is that no-one knows what will happen and that makes it all the more exciting :)

I'm very happy that you enjoyed my story and that you'd like to continue reading it :)

Thank you for such a lovely review,
I'll do yours tomorrow :)



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Review #5, by Moonyxluna Riddles in the dark

12th February 2012:
Oh wow.. this was awesome, once again! Your attention to detail and descriptions is beautiful. I love your characters, as well as the details of the forest scene. Brilliant job, I can't wait to read more! This is going on my favorites for sure, great job!

Author's Response: oh thank you, I'm very happy that you feel like you want to read more :D and that you say it's going onto your favourites!

I can promise that things are definitely going to spark up at Hogwarts after this ;)



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Review #6, by Moonyxluna The sound of Dripping Poison

11th February 2012:
I REALLY loved all the detail you put into the potion brewing! I forgot to mention this in the last chapter, but I loved that you are writing about things like class times and details in potion brewing, it's a little thing that always bothers me about fics, is when authors never write their students in classes :) lol.

I really love how your characters are developing. I'm really getting a great sense of their personallites, so bravo :)

The tryouts part was really awesome! I like I said above, your descriptions and detail are very beautiful, I had a perfect picture in my mind as she flew around the pitch.

Great job, again dear!!

Author's Response: haha yes I always find that annoying too, they're at school to learn so therefore i find it important to make sure that they do :D

I really love how they are too, it's like they have their own lives! haha you'll see in the next chapter how Alyssa ran away and did something to meddle with what i had thought. I had to change all of what I had planned to happen! so yes they are certainly uncontrollable :D

Thank you for the tryout comment I was unsure of how to write it (being slightly scared of heights myself...) but Alyssa just did the job herself :)

thanks again!



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Review #7, by Moonyxluna New Beginnings

11th February 2012:
Oh I absolutley loved the beginning descrpition, describing arriving at Hogwarts like christmas. It was just lovely! I loved the start of term feast, all of your details are lovely :)

Is the 'incident' they keep talking about Moaning Myrtle dying? It seems like you have Tom's personallity written very well, sort of a... secret arrogance is what I got from him.

I did notice a few punctuation things, like a comma there, period there, but it was nothing that took away from the story. There's also, in one sentance you had a character say "haha you know Dippet so well Allie!" Ella says : My suggestion would be to say, "You know Dippet so well, Allie!" Ella chuckled/laughed. Makes sense? Just suggestion, feel free to ignore :)

I thought it was really neat how you had her make her own spells; reminded me of Snape, and how he created his own when he was getting into the dark arts during his schooling. Great connection!!!

I really loved the ending, with the bird is what you were asking, correct? I thought it was beautiful. This is a really intesting story so far!! continuing for sure :)

Author's Response: Thank's again :)
yes, the incident is the chambers, I'm really happy that all of the details come accross the way i intended for them to.

Oh yes thats a very good suggestion! I have a slight punctuation-problem, my sentences just wants to go on forever haha I'm trying to get better at it though so we'll see :)

and thank you so much for mentioning the ending, it really was one of my main concerns since I wrote the song myself with all the rhymes and stuff and was a bit unsure if it went along with the rest. So a big thank you for that :)


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Review #8, by Moonyxluna Express thoughts on life

11th February 2012:
Wow, this is your first ff!? This was a really wonderful read! I got a good sense of the characters, and your descriptions were beautiful. I really loved the description of the rain falling off the train windows, and how your characters physical descriptions had changed. Great job! continuing :)

Author's Response: Thank you!
haha yes it's my first ff, and I'm really enjoying writing it :)

One of my absolute favourite things to do is to watch the rain so I just had to insert that to one of my characters :)



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Review #9, by BlameItOnTheNargles  Express thoughts on life

10th February 2012:
I love how the story has started of mysterious so it makes you want to carry on reading to find out what happens.
I'm also guessing it switches to three different groups?
I really like the character of May so far and I'm really intrigued to find out what happens to her during the story :)
Anyway a great starting chapter for the story :D


Author's Response: Oh thank you, haha I really like hearing how others have interpreted my reading. I know it's so mysterious that even I dont know what will happen :D

You're very welcome to continue reading:)

May is someone that I think most people like actually, despite being so dark...
She has a very clever and decided mind. We'll see how that works out for her in the future...



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Review #10, by shadowcat2 New Beginnings

10th February 2012:
back with another review swap.I really liked May's best friend. Aww,she is having night mares. I am looking forward to see where the plot goes. best of luck with the rest of your story!

Author's Response: Thank you, it's going to be pretty exciting i can assure you ;)



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Review #11, by shadowcat2 Express thoughts on life

10th February 2012:
shadowcat1432 from the forums with a review swap!

You said that your used to writing in English even though it isn't your native language. My native language isn't English either and I study everything in English. Even then my English isn't perfect. So first and foremost, I think its brilliant that your English writing ability is this good. I really liked your introduction. There is a sense of mystery in your story. May seems like an interesting character. I have a feeling your plot is going to be quite different.

Happy writing.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for commenting on my english, it is one of my main concerns since i feel that i miss out on grammar :)

I really hope it sticks out, I love writing all my characters cause I'm very eaer to find out what happens next :)


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Review #12, by Atomic The sound of Dripping Poison

16th August 2011:
Hello again!!

So, I absolutely love Eileen and Miranda. You make Eileen both appropriately haughty and nervous with the new potion. I can't wait to see how that turns out! And their conversations are the best, definitely realistic and funny.

Your English in this chapter was really good, although I would still suggest a beta just to take care of the little things. Just as a precaution, you know.

It was great to see some character development with Alyssa, too. Although adding in another character might be unwise, there are so many people to keep track of already. I kinda hope William doesn't become a regular. Still, the description of the Quidditch tryouts was really awesome. I definitely liked how you described Alyssa's flying. It was very well done, indeed.

The plot is going really great so far, and the flow is also pretty smooth. But I was a little surprised that this chapter was so short though. I wish it had been longer!! I was wanting to read more!

Very good job! The character group transition was very well done here, it was much less confusing. Keep up the good work!!


Author's Response: Oh I love Eileen, probably because she's a minor character in the books, and I had to place her with someone that wasn't as... sullen as she is, so I went for Miranda :)

So happy that you like their conversations!

Will try to find a beta asap!

I quite felt that I needed to make Alyssa more known, because in the first chapter May is a bit focused and in the second I feel that Eileen and Miranda are so having her take up a bit more place her felt kind of important.

You don't need to worry about Will- he may be handsome but atm he might be in for a few chapters but no-way that he steals my girls glory :P

THANK YOU! I was so insecure about the flying part so it's nice to hear that it was good :)

Oh the chapter, I tried and tried to come up with a way to make it longer until I realised that it didn't have to be so I went along with how I felt it should be and I found it quite ok :)

Thank you so much for all the reviews and for all the CC It really helps and I do hope that you'd like to continue reading my story :)


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Review #13, by Atomic New Beginnings

16th August 2011:
Hi there, it's Atomic again with your review!!!

I am absolutely loving your characters!! You're so good at creating so many different characters, each with their own personality. I'm definitely excited to see where you are taking your story, with the evil May and the innocent Miranda and Eileen.

As for your English, it's pretty good, but there are multiple little mistakes with sentence structure. Unfortunately, this really interrupts your flow. I might suggest investing in a Beta who could help you with the little things. Not only would it help you with your English, but it would really help the story live up to its potential. You've got a really great story going on here and I hate that little mistakes can take so much away from it.

I absolutely love your characters, I really do. The dialogue is really great and believable. You don't make it sound like an awkward script at all. It does get a bit confusing though, always jumping back and forth between the different groups. I might try to intertwine them more, or write each group as a separate chapter. It just gets confusing trying to remember where we left each group last and trying to keep up with what everyone is doing.

But I'm really like the story!! I especially love that you wrote Tom into it. I absolutely love stories where Tom was still at school and I can't wait to see if May gets involved with him at all. You've got a great plot going!

Good job! Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Hello again and thank you again!

I am so happy that you like my characters! I was a bit worried about that at first when I started writing, because I do have a tendency to make them all a bit mean, and theyll probably all turn out to be something that they did not seem at first :)

Yes, I'll definitely look for a beta, I know it's needed and hopefully it'll help me to develop the way I write :)

It might seem a bit skipping (hop-to-this-character-hop-to-that) right now, but as we get further into the story and have gotten to know them I'm quite sure that it'll change. It is a bit troubling that people get confused though... I'll try to fix that (oh and they will become quite intertwined very soon!) :)

Haha the whole idea sprang from Tom so I'm glad that you like to see him in another set :)

thank you so much again


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Review #14, by Atomic Express thoughts on life

16th August 2011:
Hi there, it's Atomic from the forums responding to your review request!!

I really like the beginning of this story. It's very mysterious and enticing. I also really like your character May, she seems really interesting and I can't wait to read more of her.

I was surprised that English wasn't your first language. You're doing a very good job with it and I only noticed several small mistakes with synax. Your sentence "but she had not understood the wonderful the power that it contained was, first glance obvious that it had belonged to a wizard" is a little difficult to read. I would tweak that sentence to "but she had not understood the wonderful the power that it contained, it was obvious at first glance that it had belonged to a wizard."

Also, your sentence: "It was amazing that after so many years of studying never have read of this in detail, never having learnt it" might flow better if it was changed to "It was amazing that after so many years of studying, she had never learnt any of it, never had read of this in detail..."

Otherwise though, you did a great job with your English. Your plot flow also went pretty smoothly; it was a bit confusing with all of the new characters all at once, but the story still flowed well.

Your characters definitely seem interesting enough. It's a bit hard to get a read on them so early in the story. With so many new people in the very beginning it might be a little difficult for readers to keep track of them though.

So far it's pretty good though. Your dialogue is very believable and so far the plot is very plausible. I'm definitely looking forward to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you! That was really quick :D

I'm quite used to writing in English but as you've seen there are some problems with the details. I have looked for a beta but my call wasn't answered but I'll just have to keep trying and hopefully I'll find one :)

I'll make sure to look through each chapter an extra time just to make sure that it's easy to read.

I know that it might seem like a lot with all the introductions of the characters in the beginning but I want to have them all on the spot at the same time- so that's my reason for doing so. But as said I'll try to make sure that the swaps are more clear and that there aren't too many in too short a time :)

I quite like May too she's very interesting to write! And the other girls are as well- I'm still kind of getting to know them and I must say that they surprise me all the time!

Thank you again- off to reply the other reviews now!


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Review #15, by Prongs05JP Express thoughts on life

11th August 2011:
Oooh wow, this looks pretty interesting! :O (Totally knew it was definitely you via the author's note. *HUG*) I really liked this Cheery, it was pretty darn good! Imma guessing it's going to be about those four girls, hmm? (Um, there were four right? It was May, Alyssa, Miranda and Eileen?) And it's definitely a fab start! My favourite bit had to have been the describing of the house where May found all the books and stuff - and it's really cool to have a character who, for once, was intrigued by the Dark Arts and to immerse themselves in it rather than people being completely repulsed. Makes some good reading!

The writing era muy bien, and I loved the introductions of the different characterss! Can't wait to see where they go :P

... *puts on annoying-snob-hat.*

Only a few crits, because I am an arrogant jumped up kid who has a thing for being annnoying :@ -- see? I even enrage myself. First thiiing, umum the whole thing with Tom (I'm assuming Tom?) being a Prefect, I got slightly confused - is he a Prefect or Head Boy? Because you say both, but I'm leaning towards Prefect because they're in fifth year, right? :P Or maybe I'm completely wrong. Ahahah. Only other thing being I thiiink you said "wined" at one point, I think its spelt "whined" xD

*takes off annoying hat*

Wow, I feel loads better!

But all in all, this is a fantastic start to a story, and I may well be reading the rest later today, as I am intrigued ;) Well done!

Love James xx (Nick thing will be explained in my response to your lovely review which I have yet to write (L) Thank you for that, btw!)

End of an Era Review Extravaganza: House Cup 2011
Forum Name: Prongs05JP
House: Hufflepuff

Author's Response: haha JAMESIE! :D *huggles*
Thank you for the review!!!

yepp it's about them, main focus is on May, Alyssa and Eileen (Miranda is just there to make Eileen be a bit less sullen ;P)

Oh yes! I had to have someone that for once didnt go all horrified by the dark arts, besides how do we know who's good or not? My characters are constantly surprising me with new sides and flaws.

Oh yes i know that about Tom, I'm gonna fix it... just have to settle on which year he is in because I think it might say they're in sixth at one place as well!
SPELLING MISTAKE! Im sorry :P will change!

Thank you so much for the wonderful review!

Loff ya puff boy!


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Review #16, by Jolly The sound of Dripping Poison

14th June 2011:
Naw, we didn't hear anything from May. :( She's my favourite! Anyway, good chapter! We get to know more about Alyssa and her manipulating and selfish nature. Awesome. ;) However, I thought it a bit weird that Alyssa refered to Tom as the Great Lord.

I really like reading about students eventing their own spells and potions and the likes. It's quite exciting. Looking forward to see Alyssa, Eileen (btw, is Eie her nickname? A bit weird..) and May meet (if they will, I hope so) and what kind of nasty business they will get up to together!

Keep writing twinnie! And tell me if you want me to beta, or brainstorm with you or whatever!
Love, Jolly.

Author's Response: haha aww, I know you like her! (MAYbe some more of her in the next chapter;P)
hmm yes... Eie was just kind of an annoyed short-version of her name but Im going to change the "i" to a "y" as in Eye, or something like that anyway or just pick a random thing to put in there instead ;)

absolutely! gotta have one of our dates soon twinnie!

Loff ya


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Review #17, by JPK Express thoughts on life

10th April 2011:
Hey! Jordan Paige x3 here from the forums and the review swap.

I think this story is off to a good start and you have definitely set the scene well. I would suggest (possibly) getting a beta, though, as some of the punctuation and grammar was off (apostrophes, for example). A beta could also help with sentences because some seem a little too long to me and could probably be cut down some. Watch out for dialogue, too; remember the time period they were in Hogwarts - I would assume words such as 'amazing' and 'awesome' were not really in use then.

Overall though, this was a good start and I am interested in it when I have the time. It's a really good start for your first fic.

Author's Response: haha too long sentences-I recognise that a bit too well :)

Thank you! for the review, I've been looking for a beta but noone seemed interested in helping me raise this baby :'( haha but I'll try again because I know my grammar isn't the best (english being my second language and all) and I'd really need one.

Thank you again! and I'm so happy that you think it's a good start that made you interested!


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Review #18, by UnderPolyJuice The sound of Dripping Poison

10th April 2011:

Haha, I'm really interesting in how this is going to go.

I want to read more!!

Loved it!!

Keep writing!!


Author's Response: and I'd LOVE it if you do!
Im having so much fun writing this because I simply can't help being sooo curious to find out what's going to happen!

Thank you for the review :)


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Review #19, by TheProphecy New Beginnings

16th February 2011:

Hannah from the threads here!! Sorry this took so long, my internet was down last week, then real life caught up with me and then the riddle hunt!

Anyway, I liked your beginning, the opening was very mysterious and very well written. I really like your writing style, and no grammar was out of place that I could spot.

I like you development of each character, I like all their thoughts and feeling etc. I feel you have written them all very well. :) Especially Alyssa, she is one of my favourites in your story :D

I actually found this chapter fairly amusing with the Alyssa bit at the table, then again I do have a warped sense of humour.

My main criticism is that I keep getting confused who everyone is, If you could start to make that clearer in the later chapters, although I understand if you want to keep and air of mystery to it.

Overall I liked it. Well done :)


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!

I'm so happy that someone likes Alyssa! I feel that I might have given her a very little spot and some people have commented on that it's hard to really find her person, I quite like her... she's very ambitious... hehehe...

Absolutely I will think about making the swaps clearer and the personalities very separate.

Again thank you very very very much for the review :)


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Review #20, by katebabelovesharrypotter New Beginnings

5th February 2011:
Anothewr wonderfully awesome spectacular chappie! I enjoyed seeing more of your characters and your plot appears to be coming along quite nicely! Love it lovely!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm still a notch unsure but we will see how the story unravells, I'm still getting to know my characters... they get both kinder and meaner all the time...

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Review #21, by Nightshade New Beginnings

20th January 2011:
I really like the story, it seems intresting.
But I wasn't very sure who the main person was until the three rules. It happen so much and there was diffrent persons and everything got mixed together.
Other then that I thought it was good. Will be reading more.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for leaving me a review and telling what you think :D

I'll think about making the swaps clearer in the next chapters as I'll skip between the characters quite alot all through the story, I try to make sure that it's clear but I can see that I might not be the best judge when it comes down to it...

So happy that you think its worth reading!
Thank you!!


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Review #22, by spangles New Beginnings

26th December 2010:
I loved this chapter too! May is really into Dark Arts even though the Dark Arts are being aimed at Muggle Borns? That's really interesting, and I'm curious about what spell she might have created. I think she's going to use the spell on the bird or something right? The little song she sang to lure it in was almost creepy but really good! I didn't recognize it- did you write it? That'd be some skillz XD

And poor Eie has nightmares! I can't believe she was in a coma for two weeks, I know I would stop trying after that! I really want to find out what her nightmares are about, is she a seer? Or going to be a seer? Hopefully we'll find out soon! Great plot this story is so interesting!

Author's Response: This review made me so happy, I was a bit unsure whether to end it that way or not (and yes I made the song myself so it makes me superhappy that you thought it was good!)

Oh yes... I want to find that out too...
Though I think that she got even more determined to find out a cure after the coma (haha I would).

Thank you again!


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Review #23, by spangles Express thoughts on life

26th December 2010:
Ohhh this fic seems really good! I like the plot line a lot it's very original! All of the writing seems to flow very nicely and I really liked the way you wrote about Allie finding herself in the Dark Arts, it was almost creepy but very good! Calling it "Deep" fit really nicely because most people don't realize what they're doing at first, yeah? And Tom being Head Boy and "Master" all fits very nicely!

Then after all that darkness you have a cute little conversation about France but it still ended with darkness. I can't wait to read what's next! :)

Author's Response: haha Thank you so much! It's my first fanfic so I was really nervous about posting it :)

I'm so glad that you think it's original, my muse came and dropped a little cute purple bunny off and I couldn't resist taking care of it;P

Yes I think deep describes any kind of magic but mainly the dark actually. I see it like the surface is what everyone is told, but there is so much more to it, that no one ever gets to know if they don't dive in and find out for themselves.

Thank you so much for the review! happy you liked it :)


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Review #24, by Galawen New Beginnings

24th December 2010:
I liked this chapter as well. You're continuing the practice of sharing only a little bit of information per each group very well- its certainly makes me more curious as to whats going on. I am a little confused though as to what year and house everyone is in and if they know each other at all but I'd imagine I'm meant to be that way at the moment?
I love the ending. Its vaguely threatening and this line;
"And the bird that at first had been captured by her song and her words was now contained within the golden cage she had brought with her there," is gorgeous, really really beautiful :)
I was just wondering as well where the song is from?
Keep up the good work :)
- Galawen xx

Author's Response: Haha the thing is that I don't really know either and as I write I find new parts of my characters that I didn't know was there...

What I'm trying with my story is to have many layers... like one of those russian dolls, you think you know something but then there's another layer underneath which kind of changes most things of what you thought :)

I'm so happy that you liked the ending! haha I made the song myself so that made me a bit more nervous of how people would look at it :)

Thank you again

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Review #25, by Galawen Express thoughts on life

24th December 2010:
This seems like its going to be a really interesting story! I like the way you've built up a certain sense of tension throughout this chapter - bringing in something, developing it and then moving on before revealing too much. Your account of May's discovery of dark magic in the abandoned house reflects the tempting, alluring quality of that brand of magic very well I think :)
There are a few confusing sentences here and there such as,
“Hey Allie! Can you believe that they let Tom become our prefect?" but then a few lines later we're told; "Of course they made our Master headboy" so I'm just a little confused as to whether or not this is 7th year and Tom is headboy or 5th year and he's just been made a prefect? But overall its well-written :) Now on to the next chapter!
- Galawen

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review!
With May as a character I want to show that not everyone that uses dark arts would be entirely evil but maybe simply fascinated by them, and as it is a revealed art it can in fact just strengthen the desire to learn more about it...

Oh sorry I hadn't spotted that mistake myself, the story is set the year after the chamber of secrets was opened the first time so it's the year 1943 and Tom Riddle is in his 5th year, so he's a prefect :)

thank you so much for the review, I'm so happy that you thought it was interesting!

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