I personally don't have a problem with arranged marriages. From what I remember for the JK Rowling world it was common practice among the pureblood families, so it is understandable that some of us would want to write stories about it. But that is just my opinion and it is in the rules for a reason so I guess its for the best. I am glad that you were able to get this chapter and story approved though because I really like what you have so far.
I am sorry that it has taken me so long to get around to your review. I can see that I was missing out by waiting to read this. I actually like stories that center around Sirius, he is my favorite bad boy.
I liked the pace and flow of this chapter. I felt that it was a great chapter. Report Review
Hello there :) Here I am with your review!
I like your characterization of Sirius. When he was thinking of leaving Hogwarts, and what he thought of Hogwarts, it was really interesting. I hadn't seen his mind in that way before, but the way you said made me think-that's probably what Sirius felt like.
Regulus was characterized well too. The arrogant, aristrocrat nature that he had grown up in fit his tone- from what little we heard of him. Snape too seemed, good. Just one thing- Snape was in the Marauder's year, so he would be a 7th year this story. When he was talking to Reg, he said after *we* graduate, it should be after *you* graduate, since Snape will graduate before Regulus.
The plot seems interesting, and I like Charlotte. I'd like a little more description, I hope there will be some in other chapters :) It's orginal, whereas I have seen Sirius/OC/Regulus before, I haven't seen it like this. Very unique, that's always good :)
Great job! 8/10
~Sara (puppyluv242) Report Review
kirstenalanna from the forum with your requested review!
Okay, I've read stories like this before and it read to be a little predictable. Also, when you switched to Regulas' dialogue, it was a fragmented switch. I didn't know if it was telling the story more from Regulas' side or if those in the compartment were overhearing or what was going on. You should probably clarify that. Report Review
such an interesting concept, loving the story so far. can't wait for the next chapter! :) Report Review
So far I do like the story, but just a few spellings mistakes that stood out. In chapter one you used exentric which is actually spelled eccentric, adu is ado and you're using the wrong type of heal. For the one at the bottom of your foot it's heel. Just thought you'd like to know. Keep updating though and I'll keep reading. :D Report Review
This is really good! UPDATE SOON PLEASEEE? Wonderful work. Really.
By the way in your storys there's this weird number popping up i'm not sure if it's part of the story or not but if it isn't i would take a look at it. If it is author note explaing please. By the way the number is 007 or 077. It's not in this chapter but it is in quite of the other ones. Besides that though it's a great story!
10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! Sorry it's been so long since I've updated, but I do have a chapter 9 written and after a quick edit I'll post, promise!
Oh and just to clarify '007' Is a nickname that my main character has given to Severous Snape. Maybe I didn't make that very clear, I'll have to go back and maybe edit my earlier chapters.
Thanks for reading! Report Review
Hey this is Pen2Paper from forums with your long overdue review! So sorry but time has been a difficult thing to manage.
So you asked on my thread to review some of your later chapters and haven't replied to the post asking which ones. Therefore I made the decision to start at the start simply cos it might be easier to follow the story. :) :)
Now onto your review. I must say most first chapters are not very well executed, some lack in aspects such as emotion, pace, settings, clarity, plot production and detail. Congratulations! This was one first chapter I thought was exceptionally well done! :) :)
I would suggest going over the chapter a few times or getting a beta because there are a few grammatical errors that once fixed will add remarkable standard to your story. Reading aloud might help too.
You've done a great job giving your characters voice. Each of them clearly identify with the character. But also remember to give them physicality too.
From what stood out in the chapter all I recognised was that Charlotte (lovely choice of name by the way) is brunette. Create her! Is she tall or short? Her eyes, how she talks, how she folds her arms when she sits down on the floor, how she picks her flowing/curly/straight hair as she talked about her family's expectations. These details are very essential to a reader who cannot "see" your imagination except with your words. This is how they are able to visualise what you try to project in your writing... You already have a good measure of detail going on in the chapter, don't hold back when it comes to the characters.
Same applies for canon characters. We all know them from the books but simply because of it their appearances should not be ignored. Show the readers what the Marauders look in your mind. If not in this chapter, at least in the coming ones.
It's very nice that your summary was short and catching! I really liked the fact that you didn't delay the story too long, short lovely introduction and then nice progression into the story itself. Nicely done!
The introduction of Peter was exceptionally well done. It's excellent that you decided to not overlook the character. It's a very good plus indeed. I know how hard it is to deliver the right kind of humour at the right moment so you have done a lovely job with Peters stuttering and the awkward pause before "Remus?" I laughed out loud just picturing that! Well done.
Overall this was a great chapter, there are many small things that you can improve on anc which once done will add great flavour to the chapter. You've made a great start to a very promising marauder story. Hope you keep up the good work!
9/10 Well done :) Great effort :) Report Review
wright more! Chapter 9 baby! Report Review
It's good that in this chapter we learn a bit more about Charlotte and her past. :) I also liked her interaction with Remus, it was a strong point of the chapter.
Now, just another suggestion - you often switch tenses in your story - past to present when writing. You should pay attention to that when editing since it's distracting. :) Otherwise, I think that your story is going really well. Keep writing! Report Review
Hey! So sorry for the terrible delay in this reviews. :( Anyways, here I go. Since I already told you about spelling mistakes, let me talk about a few more things here.
I really like Charlotte. Up to now she seems like a wonderful well-rounded character. :)
The plot is also entertaining and keeps the reader interested. On the downside, I think that a problem you may run into is cliches. You kind of use a lot of them in this chapter - Sirius being paired with the OC, the nasty girl in the girls dormitory. While this is not bad per se, I think it would be good to try to stay away from using a lot of them in order to distinguish your story from the others. :) Report Review
Hey, it's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!
Sorry it took me a bit to get here, but hello!
Sorry to sound harsh, but I always hated the idea of transfer students. However, it seems relevant to your plot that she hasn't been sorted till now. It would've been better if you'd mentioned she was American in the previous chapter, like when she first met the Marauders, you could've mentioned an accent of some sort when she burst into their compartment talking.
Charlotte's character is shaping out a bit weird, I get that she doesn't want to dissapoint her family, and by being in Gryffindor she is, but I would have expected her to be a bit relieved to be far, far away from her controlling fiance. Perhaps just a tad relieved to be away from him, but worry as to the consequences it will bring her. She also seems a bit more timid, when talking to Regulus after the feast, than she came off when she burst into the Marauders' compartment in the previous chapter.
I really like the glimpse into James and Lily's 6th year, as this is the year they get together.
You're writing the Marauders well, they're just how I would envision them, except Sirius is a little sensitive towards Charlotte, but that's the point of the story really..
Plot-wise, this chapter is a bit of a filler and a bit of you laying the foundation of the rest of the plot.
I like the concept you have here, the idea that there is something Sirius could've gotten from his parents that he wanted, not exactly Canon, but very dramatic and it's an idea I have yet to see applied.
p.s. Feel free to re-request on my thread, but I'm going to stop reviewing here for now Report Review
Hey! It's Liberty from my review thread on the forums!
Sorry I took a bit to get to reviewing this...
Anyways, I feel like not much happens in this chapter, except Sirius's revelation. Which is great, something like that certainly draws the reader in.
Not much happens with the characters either. Sirius's realization at who Charlotte could've been to him lays down a foundation unto which you can build their relationship.
Charlotte, herself, has a nice base for you to build her character on. She's coming off as quirky and unable to defy her parents' expectations. Perhaps we'll find out why later? There's an air of mystery around her as the Marauders don't know who she is.
When you described Regulus as a badass up there, I was a bit confused. "Badass" implies some sort of rebel, whereas Regulus seems to follow all his parents set out for him. So that's the only strange thing I found in this chapter. Other than that, the conversation Severus and Regulus held was very interesting and served the purpose of indicting Sirius's realization. Very dramatic. Regulus seems much nastier than I've ever personally envisioned him, but artistic freedom and all that jazz.
Liberty (Libby103) Report Review
This chapter was interesting because of the multiple points of view. While I find them interesting to some extend, I also felt like some of them weren't long enough. Jumping around through different POVs can make the story flow less smoothly, especially when there are so many changes in POV in a chapter.
A few spelling/grammar things. You say "harvest it’s powerful fruit." But it should be "its" instead of "it's." Also, in this bit: "as not one of us had come back with a single berrie" the singular form of "berries" is "berry." There were a few other things, like when Sirius used Regulus's nickname, but didn't capitalize it "reg" instead of "Reg." And there was a part when James called Sirius "pads" instead of "Pads."
I hope this was helpful to you. If you want more reviews, just rerequest and I'll be happy to read more!Author's Response: Thank you for the feedback :). Report Review
This chapter is quite interesting because it shows us Regulus for the first time. I must say, I'm not fond of him at all. He seems awful, controlling and abusive, to the point where I'm not sure why Charlotte wants to stay with him. I guess that she's worried about having a future, but it seems like living with Regulus forever would be more detrimental than just about anything else.
I like how you included Snape. The part about him being so defensive of Lily is very fitting and makes a lot of sense.
One thing. You once refer to Regulus as Charlotte's "husband." Since they aren't married yet, wouldn't he be her "husband-to-be" or something.
Overall, good chapter, I like the complications that have come up and how Charlotte is dealing with her conflicting loyalties.Author's Response: Yeah Regulus is supposed to come across really harsh at first.
Thank you again for the reviews :). Report Review
Hi, Aderyn here again. =]
This chapter was very interesting. I'm surprised though, at how much Charlotte listens to Regulus, especially if he is so controlling and if she doesn't really care to marry him.
There was one paragraph where you completely changed tenses:"We take off. Bensi and I side by side run down the sloping lawns to the lake, where we circle it twice." Before you were in the past tense and for a paragraph you switch to present.
Also, I liked how you developed Charlotte's character with the occlumency. That's a nice way to provide some backstory to her character, without telling it outright.Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Report Review
Poor Bensi. He's such an awesome dog.
How lucky of Charlotte to find the Marauders in the Hospital Wing. I really like her newfound friendship with Remus.
Update soon.Author's Response: :) Thank you for reading and especially for reviewing! I promise to update ASAP. Report Review
How to describe this chapter? Probably around Supercali- I forgot how to spell the rest but you know what I mean =) I love Remus, he's such a sweetheart! Like a puppy =P Also: Go Charlotte! Kick ass, girl! Can't wait for the next update, hope it's soon =)Author's Response: :) Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Working on finishing up the next chapter now. Report Review
Hello again, gingersnape here!
I don't have much on this chapter, so I think this will just be a lot of me going " aww!" about the scenes I liked and the likes. I think this time I'll have a plot section, a character section, and the spelling and pacing stuff for you.
Plot: wow. The latest development really made me like Regulus a lot more. Their conversation earlier I. The chapter felt very forced though, but once they were honest with each other about how things had to go, it felt much more natural.
Characters: Remus reacted beautifully to Charlotte invading his mind. Sirius was adorable when Charlotte got cut. 007 still freaks me put, but that's 007 for you! Overall, they were great!
Spelling and Grammar: N/A. I really dint see anything. Granted, I am writing this at midnight so if I missed something, I apologize, but I can't find something.
Pacing and Flow: Beautiful. Just where a good story should be.
And, I don't see anything else for you. Happy 2011 and good luck on finding a beta!
-gingerAuthor's Response: :) Thank you! Yeah I wanted to make him a little more workable, although I still want there to be a little conflict there for later chapters.
Yeah I think it was a little forced at first :/.
Thank you so much for the amazing reviews! They have been really helpful, I'll be sure to rerequest for future chapters :). Report Review
Hi I'm actually siriuslyleah from the forums I just had this account first :)
I'm really interested in this story it sounds like its going to be amazing
I was going to mention the forced marriage before I read the note at the end just be careful of that .Author's Response: :) Yeah It took me a couple re-writes to get this first chapter up and validated. it's definitely a sensitive topic. Thanks for taking the time to review! :) And I hope you continue to enjoy the story! Report Review
ok so i love Sirius and i really need her to love him too. I think that Regulus is an ass, but its hard not to like him what with what happened in the 7th book...but i love Sirius for ever so make her love him. i love it! you better wright a chapter 8 soon!Author's Response: :) There will be more Charlotte/Sirius action in future chapters, I can't say there wont be more Regulus/Charlotte as well though, so don't be too upset! Chapter 8 is written and ready to post as soon as the queue opens back up! Promise :). Report Review
I loved it! The dog thing was cute! It worked very nicely. I love the potions thing classic. But i am loving it! keep up the good work!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so grateful for your feedback :). Report Review
I like being able to get into Charlotte's head in this chapter. I'm not so sure that Lily/Lilly would befriend her so quickly, but it is convenient for the story. I also think that Slughorn might have been a bit more "hover-y" trying to see if Charlotte was really that good at potions.
Again, a few typos: "And my parent's had found a prince charming for me!" you don't need the apostrophe in "parents." And in the sixth paragraph from the top (starting with "Who were they to put this sort of pressure on me?") you alternate between using the pronouns "my" and "her" like you keep forgetting who you're talking as. Also in this bit: :"she continued “McGonogal wanted me to tell you" remember that McGonagall has an "a" and two "l"s.
Sorry for nitpicking about the grammar, I can't help it. =]
Overall, this isn't bad. I think that now would be a good time really introduce some conflict though. For example, we haven't really seen any interaction with Regulus. Oh and if you want more reviews, don't hesitate to rerequest. I hope these were helpful!
AderynAuthor's Response: I didn't mean to write it that they are friends. Their first interaction in this chapter is Lily asserting her authority as Head Girl, especially since she hears a lot of screaming coming from one of the rooms. Later she is nice to Charlotte and even sits next to her in class, but I always think of Lily as the responsible, caring, motherly type. so this says to me that Lily would be the type of girl to be friendly towards a new student, especially one intelligent enough to skip a year in several subjects. Basically I'm using this chapter as the foundation for the developing friendship between the two characters.
Yeah the next chapter is really where the conflict begins. Thanks for the reviews. Report Review
I think that the plot in this chapter isn't bad, but again a bit of a filler. Maybe add a bit of action, to help remedy that. For example, make something more out of McGonagall's anger. That jumped out as an important thing for me, but you didn't make much of it in the end.
Again there are a few typos. They're little things, mostly, but the kind of thing that should be caught. Maybe think about getting a Beta Reader? I won't point them all out but here's one:
"And Welcome back everyone else" should be "And welcome back everyone else." There were a few other capitalization errors like that and a few punctuation ones, with regards to quotes especially. Oh and just wondering, I thought Harry's mother's name was spelled with one "l" so Lily not Lilly.
Overall I think that the plot could pick up pace a little bit. I'm not quite sure what's coming up, but I think you could introduce some of that now, as foreshadowing and to add some action. It can be hard to read several "introduction" chapters in a row.Author's Response: yeah this chapter is definitely a filler, it's kind of hard to help in the beginning. I disagree about the McGonagall. She was in the middle of the first years sorting so she couldn't very well single out the Marauders or the rest of the students for that matter. But it's something for me to think about.
Thanks for pointing out the grammar/spelling mistakes. But like I said I've already self edited these chapters so it's really unnecessary.
Hi, Aderyn here for your review.
This is an interesting start, if a tad bit slow. I think that the Marauders might have been a bit more possessive of their compartment and not so keen to have a random girl walk in. Also, since I'm assuming this is their sixth year, they probably really really hate Snape by now (as implied by the HP books). Since Sirius seems to be the once who hates him the most, I don't think he would be so complimentary when thinking about it.
Just a few typos. You have Sirius call Charlotte an "excentric girl" but that should be "eccentric girl." Also, "Great Britain" should be capitalized.
Overall, not too bad. I don't feel like I know the characters well enough quite yet, but it is the first chapter. I definitely think it's interesting enough to keep reading :)Author's Response: Yeah I think you might be right about them being a little more possessive. I was more emphasizing their shock at her erratic behavior, and that they really didn't get much of a chance to be anything but confused. But I see your point, I may have to add a line or two in of James demanding her to get out or something.
This is actually set in their seventh year, Charlotte is a year younger than the Marauders. I didn't think Sirius was very complimentary about Snape, but maybe there's something there I can tweak.
I know about the type-O's I've been self editing these first few chapters but have to wait until the queue closer ends to update them.
Thanks for the input. Report Review
this is so good! i read a lot of hpff (i know i am a dork) but this is the best i have read! The plot is hard to work with, arranged marriages in modern times, but your pulling it off amazingly! I like it that your telling it from Sirius's side. Its always hard developing a new character in fan fiction. I love it! Keep up the good work. i am going to keep reading but its grate! It might be a little slow but i think its because i just want to know what will happen next.Author's Response: :) Thank you so much! Yeah the perspective changes from Sirius to Charlotte in the third chapter, but there will be more from his perspective as the story goes on! :) I'm really glad you are enjoying the story though! Feel free to review again in later chapters and let me know how you think the story is progressing!
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