Reading Reviews for Always
  
37 Reviews Found

Review #1, by weaselredhair Always

27th October 2011:
thanks for keeping it Potter.

Author's Response: No problem, I always strive to keep my characters in character. Thank you for taking some time to review, I hope you enjoyed it. :D

Sevvy
*does a little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #2, by _maomao Always

8th April 2011:
That was...

BEAUTIFUL!
I never knew why Severus had wanted Harry to look at him, but your perspective seems perfect as a reason.
Beautiful story.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review, I really appreciate it. :)

SeverusLove
*does a little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #3, by NervousTruth Always

1st December 2010:
Awh, that's cue.
I especially like the last sentences (but more importantly, a life with Lily. Always.) I think it.. ahh can't tell you how much I loved this, it was like a proper send off for the half-blood prince.

Author's Response: Haha, well, I wrote this right after I finished the series which means I was still emotional and inspired over it all which explains everything. :) Thank you so much for reading and taking a small time to review, I really really appreciate it, thanks!

~ Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #4, by ExquisiteAmethyst Always

18th November 2010:
I love one-shots about Snape, Lily, and James, and yours is no exception. I truly believe in the power of unrequited love, and of Lily and James' love. So really, it's the best of both worlds, right?

Haha, your story was quite nice. I adored the part when Snape analyzed his hatred of Harry. It makes complete sense that Snape didn't hate Harry AS HARRY, but simply because Harry was a symbol for Snape's greatest heartbreak. Bravo, that was excellent.

The one part that I didn't like was this line:

"Thank you, Snivellus." James said.

I mean honestly, after fifteen or so years, would James really still be acting like a fifteen-year-old snot? I understand that you tried to say the nickname was out of fondness, but it just didn't feel right.

Anyways, brilliant job! Sorry for leaving such a long review. Thank you for writing!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate the time you gave to read and review my story and I'm glad you enjoyed. You did make a point, it seemed a bit OoC for James but I just thought it would sound a bit cuter if he said it out of fondness. But, ah well...

I don't mind really, long reviews are more awesome than short ones because it shows that you did take time to review and I'm really grateful. Thanks for reviewing!

~ Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #5, by DemetersChild Always

11th November 2010:
I didn't realize you had finished the series so recently!

Severus's story always makes me incredibly sad. At times I want to feel really bad for him that he never got Lily even though he loved her so much. At other times, I don't feel bad for him at all because in some ways it was his own fault. He got too caught up in dark magic and their friendship started falling apart.

But still, his story is so incredibly heartbreaking. At least he finally got a break, eh?

I really enjoyed this fic! I was interesting to see everything from his point of view and to see him be happy. I'm not surprised this one-shot got such an impressive amount of reviews!

Looking forward to reading the rest of your fics,

Dem

Author's Response: Yep, and I can't believe I didn't discover the HP Series Books so recently. I missed out on a lot. After I read them, I passed them on to my sister who finished Goblet of Fire yesterday and is currently reading Order of the Phoenix. Thank you for your review Dem, you're being so awesome. :)

Well yeah, I understand what you mean about Severus getting too caught up in the dark arts. But the first reason I loved Severus is because of his sarcasm. Never fails to make me laugh. Especially in the movies, Alan Rickman plays him well. And when I found out about Lily, well, let's just say I loved him even more. :)

Cheers! Loff you!

Sevvy


 Report Review

Review #6, by writeyourheartout Always

5th November 2010:
Hello SeverusLove! I'm here from the forums (Finally!) with your requested review! :-)

So right away I want to say that you got my attention immediately with that opening line. My first thought was 'Oo! What's happening?' So that's great! I wanted to know more right off the bat - exactly what you want to get readers interested! Kudos!

I absolutely love this moment that you're writing about from Snape's POV. I never considered what he must have been thinking in his last moments before death, but this scenario seems entirely plausible. And I love the line about how he would be unable to face Lily without finishing his task for Harry - I completely agree with that. I love the entire opening paragraph especially. It captures the panicky, desperate last moments of his life, his struggle to hold on just long enough to find Harry without sounding rushed or becoming unclear at all. Really well done!

I have to say that I'm not entirely sure that I agree with the idea that this would be the exact moment Snape realizes he doesn't actually hate Harry, but simply hates the idea of him. I just feel like he has to have had this thought before. But, with that said, I think that the way you described the discovery was really beautiful. I enjoy your writing very much, but again I'm just not sure this is the appropriate time for him to be thinking those thoughts for the first time - especially since he's seconds from death and shouldn't really waste his time thinking that thought when he needs to find Harry. But it's a small detail, so whatever, haha.

I'll agree with a previous comment someone made about the line 'I pray you understand' being OOC for Snape, but it's not really a deal breaker, so I don't mind too much. I love the way you followed the line up, though, with a bit of humor and then Snape's longing to have Lily's eyes be the last thing he sees before death. Very lovely.

"But just as fast as the anger had come, it was suddenly gone. Because after all, more than 15 years was far too long to hold a grudge and besides, he had a peaceful life now. A life where he coud see Lily, where he could feel her, talk to her, and love her." - I feel that this moment is a little rushed. I would have rather seen a realization of Snape giving up his grudge against James, rather simply saying '15 years is enough time.' because Snape loathed James and that's why he held this grudge so long and it feels a little incomplete without further explanation for why this was the moment that Snape would so very easily let go of the grudge. Maybe if James apologized and thanked him first I would accept his change of heart more easily, but it feels like you passed up a good moment here - especially since Snape still doesn't have Lily - she still loves James and now Snape gets to watch it in the afterlife - but I like that the friendship between Snape and Lily is obviously going to get back on track. I would have liked a moment written about Snape seeing Lily for the first time in 15+ years, too, but you skipped what could have been a beautiful moment. Small details, though - the story is lovely regardless, but those factors would have bumped it up even further for me.

"He had loved her always... no, not "had", but *"is" and for sure, "would"." - *I don't think 'is' really works here - maybe 'did' or 'still' instead?

I think the ending is really sweet, although I think when Snape first died you should have mentioned not only the three people that he first sees, but also his surrounding environment, because when you say 'the four walked towards the train' we don't actually know what train you are referring to - though I'm assuming it's the Hogwarts Express. I would have added a little environment to the description of Snape's first view of the afterlife.

So there are a few details that I found a bit inconsistent and/or rushed, but I have to tell you that as a whole it is a really lovely story! You should be very proud that this is the first fanfic you ever wrote, as it's very good! I think with a reedit that this story could shine even further than it does, but it's very beautiful either way. I love this moment you chose and I'm glad that you requested my review for this story, as I truly enjoyed reading it!

I hope my review has been helpful! Feel free to re-request anytime! Thank you for writing!

xTanya

Author's Response: Tanya,

I'm sorry. It was so long, I loved it, I didn't know how to reply to it and ended up putting it off for a long time. I'm sorry. T^T

I loved every bit of your review. You pointed out both good and bad and gave me lots of helpful comments.

I think I do agree that he shouldn't be wasting time thinking about those small ideas and he must've thought about before. I might've rushed or seemed OOC at times and I know I can do better. Thank you for pointing all of those out.

Once I get the inspiration to, I'll make sure to reedit this and if you'd be willing, I'd have you take a look at it again.

Thank you for taking the time to read and review. Tinny was right, you truly are the best reviewer. x3

See you around the forums neh?
Sevvy
*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #7, by Happy Always

31st October 2010:
We saw James and Lily in the afterlife and Snape was not with them because Snape was the reason they died, creepy jerk.

Author's Response: er...okay...? Uhm...I don't quite understand what you're trying to get across.

Is that supposed to be an insult?


 Report Review

Review #8, by lilypotterfan123 Always

30th October 2010:
So I thought like as a thank you for those reviews I thought I may give you one myself! So anyway, in this there was about one or two typos so that's good news really but those typos must feel a bit embarrassed because they're a bit lonely because there isn't one or two more. I liked it loads, all the description, that tiny bit of humor and the nice flow it had but I feel like there was something missing. I mean don't take it the wrong way because I don't want to just say what's wrong with it and not say what I liked! I think there could be more info about what goes on between them all, like Albus perhaps. Just generally more speech because it is a little short. I think if it just had one more thing to fill it out a tad more it would be fine. So I generally liked this as I've only seen one thing that is similar and I think that this one has it's own little sparkle that makes it above your average one shot. So I hope you like this review and I wanted to make it a long one to make it as big as the three you gave me altogether so we'd be even. Somehow I doubt I've suceeded. I hope I've helped in complimenting ways and constructive ways! :) Somewhere in this there will be quite a few typos so feel free to point them out!
Love,

LpF123 xx

Author's Response: Lils,

Thank you for reviewing. :D :) XD X) Yes, I like the review, and I appreciate the time you gave to read and review. Thanks for all the CCs and I loff you!

TADJSevvy (The Amazing DJSevvy)


 Report Review

Review #9, by ekroman Always

27th October 2010:
Wow! I really liked this:) I look forward to more from you :)

Author's Response: Hehe, thanks. That was a really nice thing to say. :D

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #10, by hp_gwrocks Always

26th October 2010:
i love how you wrote this. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for taking the time to leave a review, I appreciate it. :)

 Report Review

Review #11, by Niki014 [not logged in] Always

26th October 2010:
Very good! I wish it was a bit longer, but can't really complain - short 'n' sweet, at least it didn't drag! I like the fact that you didn't try to make James & Severus into best friends either just because they're dead!

Niice :)

Author's Response: Thank you for that, it was a really nice thing to say. I know what you mean, I don't really like to drag. Nor can they act close friends just because they're dead. :D

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #12, by Timechild Always

26th October 2010:
A very nice fic. I like it. The way Severus went through the emotions was nicely done; especially his feelings for Harry.

The detail was nice as well. You had the just right amount for Severus. A little more for James might have been nice, but that is just a thought and not any criticism.

Overall good job

Author's Response: Thank you very much. That was a really nice thing to say. :)

 Report Review

Review #13, by lauraf68 Always

22nd October 2010:
Dear SL,

Very good one shot, and first HPFF. I thought it was a very good protrayal of Severus--the character we hate to love. Doesn't it help that Alan Rickman protrays him in the movies beautifully. :-)
For the first few books I wanted to hate the character and did not think he had any redeeming qualities. But eventually I came around. He's like a crusty old uncle who you know is just lonely and likes to grump around.
Your thought quote, “your mother was a wonderful witch but your father was an arrogant brat”---was great, but I almost think Severus would have actually wanted to say, "you mother was a wonderful witch but your falther was an arrogant toe-rag". LOL

Happy Writing and best wishes. ~Lauraf68

Author's Response: Heyo Laura!! :)

I'm glad you liked it. And yes, I think Alan Rickman captured Snape's personality PERFECTLY! And I loff him for it. :) The toe-rag might actually be better. If ever I edit this in the near-future, I'm definitely considering that *takes out thinking hat* :D

I'm glad you think it's good.

Thank You for Reviewing! :D

Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #14, by Akussa Always

21st October 2010:
That was a really, really good story.
The first part, as Severus dies, has the same feel as the book did. You managed to capture this moment, use it with another point of view and give it a life of its own.
I find the way you gave Severus peace and comfort very beautiful. The silence that spoke more than words ever could; the grudge being forgotten and forgiven with respect and recognition.
Excellent work, I loved it.

Author's Response: Oh.My.Goodness! :O

You actually wasted a few minutes of your life to read one of my stories. *insert fangirlish squeal here* THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *jumps up and down* I really appreciate this. Actually, you're one of my favourite authors, I see it as an honor to have one of my stories read by you. And COMPLIMENTED! :O Thank you so very much.

As for your comments, yeah, I was trying to find a way to give Severus a happy ending and I'm glad you thought I did a good job in doing it. :)

THANK YOU AGAIN! (sorry if I made you deaf with all my yelling)
Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #15, by Curiosity is not a sin Always

6th October 2010:
Hey there!

First of all, let me applaud you for writing such a difficult scene and making it so beautiful :)

You're right; Severus' tale is a sad one with self-doubt and hatred regardless of the truth. And you portrayed his emotions wonderfully. I loved the short sentence structure at the beginning to indicate confusion and chaos in his last moments, and I loved the realistic ending too where he finally lets the grudged hatred drop and remains content with the little he gets offered after the loss of so much. Beautiful.

The story length is fantastic. Any shorter and you wouldn't have got the emotions in well and any longer would have made the impact of the fic less. Spelling and grammar all looks great to me to too :)

One thing I will say be careful with is your point of view :) We're looking at the story through Severus's point of view for most of it, and it seems to flicker to Harry's and Lily's and it can throw the reader off a little bit. Small example "Look...at...me," he whispered. Green eyes found black and Severus, filled with peace and love, finally gave in.". Maybe this should have "black eyes found green" instead - it would make Snape's suffering more evident if he were the one struggling :)

Also just be careful with repetition of a word. You use the word "loathed" a lot and it can make it seem awkward if it's all in one paragraph.

It's a fantastic first story with a great pace, good length, and realism to emotion!

Keep up the fantastic work!

Curiosity is not a sin

Author's Response: HI!

Thank you so much! I really appreciate the time you gave to read and review this. That was a very nice thing to say. :D

Ooooh, I'll make sure to change it a bit when I have time. Thank you again for a fantastic review. XD

Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #16, by TenthWeasleyWriter Always

4th October 2010:
This was a very creative idea for a story! I loved Severus's story too, and I always half-wondered what might have happened to him once he 'moved on'. This was a very interesting take on it, and I am glad I read it!

The Good: You have a very nice way of describing Severus's emotions that make them seem more real. My favorite part (as it was in the book) where he is looking in Harry's eyes and thinking of Lily... very touching. I also thought the ending was very nicely done, with all ends tied up and James and Severus finally at peace. (I'm so glad you wrote it that way!)

The Critiques: The story is just a little short, and I'm sure if you wanted to you could lengthen it because you have given yourself much to work with. Some of the sentences seem a little hurried, especially the beginning parts where he knows he is dying - don't be afraid to elaborate in your writing! You write very well, but rushing things is never good. There are also some nitpicky punctuation things, such as some confusing punctuation marks around the dialogue, which make reading it a bit sticky at parts.

All in all, very well done! Thank you for asking me to review your story and I hope that this was helpful to you. Please don't be afraid to PM me if you have questions or concerns, or just want to talk. 8/10 - very nice!

Author's Response: Hello! ^^

Thank You for taking the time to read and review, I really appreciate it. I kinda like things to go a little fast because slow is kinda boring for me and I was never one for too much descriptions but thank you nonetheless. :)

Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #17, by iluv2eatcarbs Always

29th September 2010:
Hey it's me Renee :P

So I've never read a Snape/Lily fanfic before, I don't know, I've always had troubles seeing them together when Lily and James are so perfect for one another. But setting that aside I truly did love this, it wasn't exactly a Snape/Lily romance but I like how we were clued into Snape's dying thoughts. The part of Deathly Hallows that made me love the book was actually the realization behind Snape wanting to see Harry's eyes so that the last thing he sees are really Lily's eyes. The moment is just so touching and hauntingly romantic, gah! I'm getting carried away. But I like how you didn't put Snape with Lily romantically but made him content that he would spend forever -always- with her. It was sweet and touching and a nice way to end Snape's life and start his after life. Good job Sevvy :)

~Renee

Author's Response: RENEE! YOU READ MY STORY! 0.0 THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! YOU'RE THE BEST! *supermegaextrafantabulawesomebigfellorCalFanhug!*

Mmmhm, I love James/Lily but I also love Snape so this was the birth of that. THANK YOU! I appreciate the time you gave to read and review this.

I LOFF YOU!!!
Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #18, by padfoot_28 Always

29th September 2010:
GUESS WHO!
I'm the best, you know I am. :P

Anywho, onto the review! (Hehe, that rhymed)
I really really liked it. It's one of the most simple yet satisfying and well-written stories that I've ever read. It's really good! I like the story idea, and I like how James is there at the end! That's a good twist. It was really intriguing to look into the mind of Severus Snape as he dies, and as death welcomes him. It's simple, yet has a lot of details that makes the story seem much longer than it is. It seems very complete and not rushed at all. I couldn't see a thing wrong with it.
You did a very good job! 10/10!

Author's Response: Lissy!

Thank you ever so much. You're the bestest friend there is! And I'm the most manipulative! Muahahahaha... ...er, anywayz, I really appreciate the time you gave to read and review, I LOFF YOU!

Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #19, by MajiKat Always

24th September 2010:
Hi there, here to review as requested!

first, i think you have captured his emotions wonderfully. no one living can tell us what it is like to die, the sorts of things that spin through your head, and i think you handled that aspect of his end with grace. it was not too fast in that regards either - we cannot know the speed in which our thoughts embrace us at the end.

spelling and grammar were fine as far as I can see.

plot wise, i can see nothing wrong with this. it is more a moment, a recollection of thoughts and feelings, than a deep plot, but that is perfectly fine for a one-shot. i did really like the inclusion of kings cross station, and of dumbledore, lily and james being there to meet him.

i think this fic is the perfect length for what is described; if it were any longer, i think the meaning may have been lost.

the one thing i found odd was the inclusion of this line: Why did he loathe Harry Potter you ask? can i ask why the narrator suddenly "spoke" to the reader? it was kind of distracting, thats all. also, i think there was too much emphasis on harry being james' son. its necessary, but i think you stretched it a little too much.

overall, for your first fanfic, this was really really good. i enjoyed the simplicity and beauty of the moment. excellent job!

kate x

Author's Response: Thank You. I've always wanted to give Snape a happy ending. His story was just too sad, I couldn't resist. ^^

Yes, that is rather distracting, isn't it? I'll have to edit that out and try to get around that one without speaking to the readers. Problems is...how? Oh, well, another thought to ponder.

Anyway, thank you. I really do appreciate the time you've given me to read and review.

Sending you my Gratefulness,
SeverusLove

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #20, by Kinti Always

22nd September 2010:
Grrr how dare you?! How dare you make me cry?! Seriously, that was so beautifully emotional. I loved the way you crafted your sentences - some of them sounded quite poetic! Your last two sentences were utterly perfect.

The part that reduced me to a quivering, crying wreck the 'Snivellus' moment. It's lovely to think that a name that Severus would have associated with years of hatred and torment can be turned around like that and even better, I think you kept it in character. I like to think that Lily never truly despised Severus, and would be willing to forgive him anything for protecting Harry, and the same with James.

I can't think of many things I can criticise about this piece, aside from the fact that I wish it had been longer!

I look forward to reading more of your work!

Kinti

Author's Response: Dear Kinti,

Sorry I made you cry. :( But I'm happy you did. :) It means I was able to provoke the emotion I wanted. I had always wanted to give Snape some sort of happy ending so there. ! ^^ Thank you for reading. I appreciate the time you spared to read and review my fic. Thank you. ^^

SeverusLove

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #21, by schoenemaedchen Always

19th September 2010:
So, severuslove. Thanks for requesting a review, because I honestly have to say...first impressions and all:

This story is just beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes, a smile to my face, a warm fuzzy feeling surrounded me!! All at once.

As for your concerns, spelling and grammar...doesn't really appear to be a problem you have. Besides, I see my Beta reviewed your story too, and she didn't see anything...so it must have been good!! :) It's a small world.

The plot is great. The speed is OK...the picky part of me thinks you could develop it even more. But its not at all bad, by any means. Some would even say, if it isn't broken, don't fix it!

The emotions are beautiful. By far the most touching is what's going through Severus' head, that he doesn't really hate Harry, its more resent. And how he feels about Lily, and ESPECIALLY that Lily reciprocates!

I just loved it when James called him Snivellus, and your explanation of how it sounded, was exactly what I thought...more of a term of endearment! Wonderful...

My few points of CC: In the first paragraph, you kind of deviate for a minute from the flow by addressing the reader directly: "Why did he loathe Harry Potter you ask? Oh, simple." I mean, this is a wonderful literary device to use, I'm just not so sure it worked so well (at least for me). I think it took away from the somber mood you're trying to set, because your kind of ripped away from the setting. Just a thought though.

My other extremely picky comment, is that Severus refers to Harry as a Brat, then later to James. For flair, choose a different word. Brat is generally used to describe a child too, so I think the adjective kind of clashes with James. I feel like Severus would have some more choice words for James! :)

So to address your concern about if it worked or not...DEFINITELY! It definitely worked and was a true joy to read! Well done, especially for your first fic!

-schoenemaedchen

Author's Response: schoenemaedchen, (honestly, where'd you get that name?)

Thank you for your time to read and review, I'm glad you enjoyed. I've always loved writing Severus and am glad you think I brought justice to him.

As for your CC, you have a point. It's something new to think about so thank you.

Sending you my Best Regards and Gratitude, I Truly Appreciate Your Review,
SeverusLove

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #22, by foundriapenguin Always

18th September 2010:
Yes, it's me again. So, as is my custom, I sneaked a peek at the reviews others left for you...
And I feel like I missed something! They had plenty of CC for you and I feel bad because I had none to offer to you. So I'm on an adventure to satisfy your desires. :D

Eh. Still not much. There are actually a few little grammar bits that could be touched up, but they're so tiny they can be looked over. Well, I gave it a shot! XD Again, great story :D Don't have any doubts!

~foundriapenguin
LOL
I don't think I've ever given double reviews before, ahahhaha XD You're the first one!

Author's Response: foundriapenguin,

Gah that's okay. I appreciated your review and am appreciating this now. *appreciates review* Anyway, I guess it's because I just edited this story so any mistakes they found earlier, I had already corrected. But thank you anyway for taking time to review...again. ^^

Thank You,
Sevvy
I'm honored to be your first doublereviewed. (is there such a word?) But anyway, at least it adds to my review count. XD


 Report Review

Review #23, by FoundriaPenguin Always

18th September 2010:
Hello! Here I am with your requested review.

Wow, that was so sweet. And sad. And...I'm actually starting to feel a little sorry for Snape now. I'm not even a Snape fan! :P

Well, you seem to have so many other reviews and so many other opinions that I'm not sure if mine will have any weight :O I must say that I thought it was a very well written first story, and I really liked how you had Snape ramble in his mind, not coolly calculating his options to fulfill the task.

I didn't spot any grammar/spelling mistakes, great job! Typos are always annoying (; I really couldn't find much to criticize on the areas you asked me to go over - the speed and emotions were fine, it was the perfect length, and don't worry, it went well! I'll just leave you with some newbie advice I know I wish someone told me when I just joined the site, but feel free to totally skip over this and pretend you read it. :] But whatever you do, don't tell me you didn't read it. Or else I might get offended. ;]

Cliches are a death trap when writing. My first story? It was an Oliver/OC and it was chock full of them, except...I didn't know. I even had the weird name and everything :] I didn't even know what a Mary-Sue was so I had to look it up on Wikipedia! xP I'm sure you've seen the topics on cliches on the forums, and those are extremely helpful. Make sure you stop by those!

Whenever writing, always make sure you sound pro and mature. Many authors write the way they talk (but in your case, you did an awesome job in this one-shot! So I wouldn't worry too much). It doesn't happen too often in sirius stories (THAT JOKE NEVER FAILS TO CRACK ME UP :D) but in humorous or fluff ones, it's a serious danger. Unfortunately, almost everyone slips on this issue and it's just random occurrences that come back to bite you every once in a while. I wish it didn't exist. :p

Anyways, your one-shot was really good for a first shot! I'm jealous! And you've made me more of a Snape-ish fan. Well done, you! :D

~foundriapenguin

P.S. Oh my Merlin, if I sounded condescending anywhere in this review I'm so incredibly sorry! :O I really didn't mean to be if I did.

Author's Response: foundriapenguin,

Gah I looove Snape and am glad you're turning to him *hypnotizes you* muahahahahaha *choke* I'm never good with that evil laughter thing.

I've read over your advices. ^^ But could you tell me if, well, I entered any sort of cliche? Thanks for the tips, the time and the review,

Tata for Now,
Sevvy

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review

Review #24, by celticbard Always

18th September 2010:
Hi SeverusLove!
Congrats on writing and posting your first fic! I know how terribly nerve-wracking it can be. ^_^ After reading this one-shot, I'd say you've done quite well. There is definitely room for improvement, but I think you have a firm base to work with.

Firstly, your description of Severus's desperation, his panic and resentment, his fear and gradual acceptance of death, was very well done. You really seem to understand his character, which is not an easy thing, considering how complex Snape is.

Also, I really enjoyed the brief exchange between James and Severus at King's Cross Station. Their mutual acceptance of each other in death was very touching, and, I think, quite realistic.

Other than that, I would suggest you try to work on your opening paragraph. It was a bit all over the place and I, as a reader, didn't have a clear grasp of exactly when and where this story was taking place. You might also want to slow things down just a little. Pacing is important for a story. In particular, I felt the scene in which Harry suddenly appears before the dying Severus read a little rushed. The very real conflict of Snape dying alone without completing his task was diminished by the rather quick solution of his quandary.

Over all, I thought this was a really nice story. You should be very proud of yourself for taking the first step and posting on HPFF. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future. Take care!

Best,
celticbard

Author's Response: celticbard,

Thank you for taking time to read my story, I really appreciate it.

Well, I love writing Snape 'cooz he's my favorite. I was worried I wasn't gonna be able to do justice to Snape so I'm glad you think it was believable and not out of character for him.

Well, yeah, I guess I seem to have a weakness with pacing. I've been editing this story again and again but I can never get the pacing right. I'll have to learn to slow down.

I was going for an opening that would make people curious and interested but it turned out all wrong and looked kinda boring and annoying instead. :P

Anyway, thank you again for taking time to read and review,

I Send You my Utmost Gratitude,
Sevvy


 Report Review

Review #25, by WhatAboutRegulus Always

17th September 2010:
Hola SeverusLove, here to review :)

First things first...

It was now or never, he could finally rest in peace.(This sentence for some reason doesn't really make sense :p)

He looked down at himself and found that he was not (a) ghost, nor solid but that didn’t matter.

Aside from those little corruptions I thought it was very good! I thought his history was so sad to! I think I cried a little :'(. Poor Severus. But happy ending I might add for his sake!

I thought for your first story and all, that it went just fine! I don't think it was to fast or to slow. Just the right speed. The emotions changed a lot, but hey it's heaven! That can happen! So it is definitely believable don't worry :)

I thought the plot was great to. I always wanted to know what happened when Snape went to heaven and I think this pictured it perfectly!

Great Job!

WhatAboutRegulus

Author's Response: WAR (hehe, you don't mind if I just call you WAR do you? XD)

Thank you for taking your time to read and for pointing out those mistakes...(now we're even! ^^ ^^) I really appreciate it.

*hands over cyber cookies*
SeverusLove

*does silly little happy dance*


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>