Hey xxpetrapan! It's notreallyblonde44 here to start reviewing your story since you were the winner of my challenge, yay! Starting from the bottom and working my way up your story lists haha. To start: great banner and the summary make this seem like it's going to be a sad story. Let's see where this goes. The chapter summary by the way should only have 3 lines of copyright material (the lyrics). I would correct this ASAP.
Surface stuff: There are huge spaces in between every paragraph. I suggest using the simple plain text editor in the future in order to eliminate those huge (they break the flow of the story honestly) gaps.
'I cannot eat or even get out of bed up.' -I cannot eat or even get up out of bed.
'it though my strawberry hair.'-through. And strawberry hair sounds awkward. I get that it is a hair color, but the hair color is strawberry blonde not just strawberry lol.
There is always a comma before names when someone is being referred to in dialogue or spoken to. Ie: " I know but I am weak and depressed Scorpius," -comma before Scorpius. There is also always a comma before a but.
'When I wake up repeat our conversation over and over in my head' -When I wake up I repeat
'It's been a month. I know she loved Scorpius"' -missing punctuation after Scorpius. A dash or period could go here
'H is gone but I know he has not left me.' -He not H
Characterization: I don't feel that I can comment on characterization too much because these are NextGen kids and I don't have anything canon to compare characterizations from JK to yours. However, I can say that I emotionally bonded with Dom and I found that all of her actions were believable, along with Victorie and Teddy's. I think if I was in Dom's hypothetical shoes I would be the same way, if not worse. While it's unclear to me if Scorpius and heaven (do wizards believe in heaven?) were a hallucination (since Dom is an unreliable narrator), it doesn't matter to me and something like that would have to happen to me for me to wake up from a depression. I like that she suddenly doesn't get better either and is still weak and hurting. It was very realistic and I empathized with her; again, if something like that happened to me I would be a MESS.
Overall Thoughts: The only things I could think of to help with future writing endeavors is to double check basic writing/punctuation rules. The amount of mistakes kind-off started to distract me from enjoying the read (no worries though, I liked it!). I suggest getting a beta that knows punctuation and isn't afraid to say when something is incorrect. Also, I think having Scorpius show Dominique some of the ways her depression is affecting others would have been nice and it would have added another dimension to why she felt she needed to get out of bed. Otherwise, I really felt bad for Dom and enjoyed the read. It was quick, but had a lot of meaning and passion behind it. Good job!
nrbAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I will get to fixing the things you said =)
I am gald you felt for Dom, I did too while writing her!
-Kattia Report Review
this is better done as it has more detail ( =] ) but you still need to work on slowing down the plotline.this is the kind of true love that i didnt see in the snake and the rabbit. i think it was very cute and touching but again you need to slow down the plot, add more content..
keep up the good work like this and youll end up getting there
8/10Author's Response: Thank you very much...I am better at detail then plot but I will work on it and i will revise it and the snake and rabbit! Report Review
Aw, this was beautiful. I enjoyed it immensely and I think you did a wonderful job.Author's Response: Thank you very much! I was trying to make it very passionate and sad Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection