I like this story! Which is, you know, surprising because not many stories make the cut on the Stories-I-Will-Actually-Read meter.
That's a compliment, by the way.
~LittleMissLizPotter Report Review
Why did you abandon this?? WHYYY?Author's Response: I'm going to take a little break from it...writer's block and all :( I'm glad you seemed to like it, though! Report Review
Very VERY interested. :D
Can't wait until the next update.
I love this story so far. I love Willow. I ADORE Scorpius.
But I wonder how you've used foreshadowing...hmmm.Author's Response: Thank you so much!
SEARCH FOR THE FORESHADOWING.
The next update may not be for a while. It's on a small temporary hiatus because my muse ran away with it's best friend, Captain Plot Bunny.
It's very sad.
But I will!
...Soon. Report Review
God, I love it. Such fun and excitement.
Err, awkward question, but can I have Albus for the day. Y'know, I'll give him back and everything..
Maybe *Sneaky eyes*
See you next chap!
rahAuthor's Response: Thank you! I thought so, too.
Not an awkward question! You can have him, as long as he's back by tomorrow, because he's MINE.
Thanks again! Report Review
This is getting fun! I'm liking very very much. :)
So, I can't wait for an update. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
Hmm, I like this chapter, but the spaces between the lines are still not fixed, dear. I was wondereing from where you got the chapter titles that begin with In which... You know what I mean? I saw it once in a book called 'The princess and the dragon'. Haha. I was wondering, how old are Adelaide and Scorpius?Author's Response: I KNOW!
Okay, sorry. I HATE HATE HATE the spaces, too, but I can't seem to fix them, and for that I'm sorry.
Whoa. I never, EVER read that book. Ever.
Adelaide and Scorpius are 16. Sorry for not telling that :) Second, before you go all canon-ninja on me, the woman Adelaide keeps on talking about, Willow, works for the Department of Underage Wizardry, and she hides their trace. It's explained later, but I just wanted to clear that up now.
Thank you! Report Review
Haha, first of all sorry that I didn't login... But just to fresh up your memories: you were second in my Draco/Astoria challenge. Then the real review: I really like this idea. (Adelaide is the daughter of Daphne, I guess?) I really like it how you introduced her family in this chapter. (But most of the people we already know of course. :) ) I will continue to read now. ^^Author's Response: I remember you :)
Thanks so much! I'm glad you like this so far!
Yeah, she's the daughter of Daphne :)
So far i really like this story! Its defintly got a interesting plot that makes me want to keep reading! Cant wait for the next chapter!Author's Response: Thank you so much! Report Review
Hello, I'm back with your second review!
I like whwt your doing with this story, but I feel like you kind of rushed into this chapter. I think you skipped time here, and I'm not really sure how much or what happened, and I'm a smidge confused about that.
I liked the sequence in the bank, though. You did a really great job with that. And I really liked that the goblin was helping them for goblin made materials. When you first mentioned "the stuff" that's definitely not what I was expecting. But that was pretty brilliant!
Good job! Feel free to request the next chapters.
Kristen=]Author's Response: Hello!
I, once again, understand your confusion. I am rewriting this chapter, due to the fact that I (and a lot of other people) thought it was...weird. Rushed. Confusing.
I'm glad you liked the chapter in the places I liked it. It helped me ego quite a bit :)
You provide excellent feedback! Do you mind reviewing a couple more chapters? Report Review
Hello there! Krissyanne426 here with your request from the forums.
Okay. I really like what you've got so far, but I do have a question. It may have been something that i missed, but how old is Adelaide? I don't remember seeing anywhere, but again, I could have missed it. I only ask because I feel like she may be underaged, and if she is Im soldering how she managed to get a room without an adult. It's not a big thing, but something I was curious about.
Other than that i really liked your first chapter. Adelaide is just the kind if bitter character that I really like! Perhaps I'm a bit cynical, but she's my favorite kind of character.
This is a great first chapter, and your writing is great, it's a pleasure to read.
See you in the next chapter!
Kristen=]Author's Response: I do understand your confusion. I was worried that people wouldn't understand, so I'm glad you asked. Adelaide was fifteen in the prologue, and in the next chapter she's sixteen. As for how she got a room...Hannah Longbottom is the barmaid, you see. And she was a Hufflepuff. She'd probably ask questions later and get her out of the pouring rain first. At least, that's how I see it.
Haha, Adelaide is a bit cynical. I do see her as someone like Sirius Black, actually, because he has a terrible family, yet he was able to pull through with the help of his friends. She will have some, ah, angsty chapters in the future...
Thank you so much! Report Review
Wow! I really enjoyed the story thus far. I like your many-sided characters and how you didn't make Albus a dweeb like so many authors.
A few tips though? Slow down and explain where they are a little better, just in general. I see your vision of these characters, but it is sometimes hard to keep up with you.
Excellent story though. Keep writing dear!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you liked it :)
I know that the writing is quite fast-paced, but that's how my brain works. Maybe I'll get a beta to help me slow down? I don't know.
Ahem. Who said Albus was a dweeb? I WILL PERSONALLY KILL THEM.
I mean...I'm not a violent person. What're you talking about? He, he... Report Review
Hello! I LOVE this story you have so many funny lines I couldn't pick out which ones were my favorite but I do LOVE Viva and her kitchen aid note to self do not snap at mudboy. You are GREAT!Author's Response: Thank you! I really appreciate it! Viva is awesome, I know :)
She's the best house-elf in the world, besides Dobby, of course! Report Review
I must admit that this story is shaping up to be one of the best Albus stories on here, atleast in my opinion. I loved seeing Adelaide and Albus interact and also to set the foundation for what I am hoping will be a relationship sometime down the line in this story. I also think you have done an outstanding job with how you have characterize Willow, Dominique, and Scorpius and I really cannot wait to see what kind of hijinks those five will get into this summer? Anyways, keep up the great work and I will be anxiously awaiting the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you love it, this makes me feel like I've done such a great job! I hope you agree with his reasons for helping Adelaide and Scorpius (they may or may not be mentioned in chapter six or seven). I have a really defined image of who Albus, Dominique, and Scorpius are, and also Adelaide and Willow. I definitely have a lot of adventures stuffed in my mind. I plan on doing a lot of not-so-legal things, like stealing broomsticks, etc. and other legal things too, like sort of making up for the childhood Adelaide never had, if that makes sense :)
Thanks again! Just as a heads-up, I've decided to rewrite chapter two. Nothing will be too drastic (the plot will firmly remain the same) but I feel that the action fell a little flat, so I'm going to fix that. You don't have to read it if you don't want, because like I said before, nothing concerning the plot will change, but if you feel like reading it, be my guest! Report Review
Nice refraining there ;)Author's Response: Why, thank you :) Report Review
Oh I love how Addie always pays attention to small things, a tad bit too much actually. But still, I adore her. It's funny. Hehe... Willow and her clumsiness. Well, that will definitely be remembered by Harry, but will that affect their plan now that Harry Potter actually knows Willow's face and , of course, his son and his niece's faces? Hopefully, not. Thank you for the update! :D
P/s: fuzzy pajamas is the best :pAuthor's Response: Willow is hands-down my favorite OC. She's so...quirky! She's also quite clumsy. I love her.
Well, I can't tell you that, can I? Muahahahahaha! But, you can expect some conflict in that department.
Also, as a heads up, I'm rewriting chapter 2. It was so...bleurgh. Not my best work.
PS: I know, right?! Report Review
So I just read this whole thing and I love it. I can't stop laughing. I love Adelaide. She's really cool. And so is Al, I like how he's shy when he is around her. Post more soon!!Author's Response: Yay! Thank you do much! I'm glad you liked it! I love her, too. She's a pretty cool kid.
I'm going to rewrite chapter 2 and update chapter 6, so you can looks forward to that! Report Review
yes new chapter! It was nice to see some addie/albus on this one, I really hope to see more of that.
Great story please update soon!
xxxAuthor's Response: Thank you!
There will be more.
Don't worry. Report Review
I think you're finally getting comfortable with your story and it shows.
Minor remark - this chapter was a bit too heavy on the dialogue. At certain places, it sounds like a... verbal exchange, not a story. But I'm sure you needed it.
Otherwise, I like your story and I am eager to find out what happens next. Viva is adorable! And I still think your strongest suit is the humour. Keep it up!
KaileenaAuthor's Response: I know about the verbal exchange, but I needed it to make future chapters make sense.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! Report Review
Nothing much more to say, it seems. It's nice that we learn a bit more about Willow and Addie realising the consequences of running away.
A suggestion - Addie's thought about the bed being out of an IKEA catalogue doesn't fit well. She was raised in a pureblood family and despite her errant ways, I am a bit doubtful that she is well-versed in Muggle interior design.
Also, keep in mind that if Addie is under the age of 17, she cannot do magic (there is an enchantment that will alert the Ministry and she will get arrested).
Otherwise, well-written. Props ;)
KailAuthor's Response: "Muggle interior design." Ha, ha.
Okay, I plan on editing that and making it a little more wizard-like.
I would also like to remind you that, as Willow is a Trace Tracker, she can hide her and Scorpius' Trace. I don't know if you caught that part :)
Thank you! Report Review
Ok, the requested review on the second chapter.
You're funny and it seems that humour comes naturally to you. I especially laughed when Adelaide was screaming incest. :D
Stuff that is not bad, but is distracting:
The spacing... I know it's not your fault (HPFF hates my fanfictions too), but especially for the second chapter... hum hum. Your story has a nice flow to it, but the spacing manages to destroy it. Come back to this chapter at some point to fix it.
Now, a bit about your worry of characters being Mary Sue. I don't think they are, but in order to make them even better fleshed out, I suggest this: Addy accepts too quickly that Draco was a Death Eater. It's like - she's stunned at first, but then she's - "Oh, well, no biggy". Add a few more of her thoughts and reasons for not caring that Scorpius is the son of a former death eater. It's just that we, people, normally need a bit of time to stomach such disturbing information.
On to the next,
KailAuthor's Response: Thank you! Just so you know, I'm going to rewrite this chapter. There were so many things wrong with it...ugh. Anger.
I'm definitely going to make her a little more stunned about that fact. Due to...recent events in my life, I've realized it takes a while to get used to rather shocking information.
Thanks again! Report Review
Here is HarleyQuinn with you requested review. I think I am going to comment chapter by chapter (I thought of making one really large review at the end, but oh well).
I like the first chapter. It is very unusual in style (combining her thoughts and actions) and that is a good thing here. It sounds fresh and the constant switching of thoughts/action gives it a good dynamic. Btw, Adelaide is the daughter of Daphne Greengrass, right?
I also love the idea of her wanting to break into Gringotts. I really appreciate when someone comes up with a good plot bunny. I hope I'll see it well executed in the chapters that follow.
On to the next chapter,
KaileenaAuthor's Response: Hello! I can't wait to read all your marvelous reviews :)
Thank you! I know the style's different, but I thought it went well with the prologue-like feel to the story.
Adelaide is the daughter of Daphne. Daphne's going to make an appearance sometime in the future (Oooh, foreshadowing!)
Thank you again! Report Review
Willow (will you explain her nickname? I hope so, quite interested to find out how she got it) has the potential to be quite an interesting character, taking a 16yo runaway under her wing. I haven't really got a feel of her character yet but I'm sure you'll reveal all in good time :)
You write dialogue well and the general feel of your story is quite light and cheerful. I found the jump in perspective towards the end a little abrupt (as in, from Hannah's and then back to Adelaide's) though.
Adelaide's character is developing nicely, though to be nitpicky, I still find her a bit self-pitying which seems to contrast between the 'go-getter' persona she has at other times.
Overall I think your story has potential! It's an original idea (almost like Ocean's 11, HP style haha) and I'll be interested to see where you take it!Author's Response: Okay. The story is an example of an author taking real-life experiences and putting it into their work.
I was on vacation with my mum and dad's friends, and we were sitting poolside. My mum's friend had a friend named Willow, and I asked if it was her real name. As it turns out, her real name is something else, but she said she identified more with Willow. All of the sudden, the idea sort of fell into my head.
As for the jump, I know. I just wanted to give Hannah a little cameo. I know it's abrupt, so I might change it a little.
Thank you for your feedback! I'm planning on taking it to heart and making some changes. Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter and things make a lot more sense now! The Trace Tracker concept was interesting and quite original. I'm curious as to whether her family is looking for her given that she is underage (would Hannah/George/Angelina have asked questions/allowed a 16yo to rent?), and also why she was home-schooled.
I've not seen Albus and Dom as best friends before, which is a pleasant change (usually it's Albus and Rose since they're the same age). I've always imagined the families to be quite tight, but regardless of that, most parents would be checking up on their children I think!
I'm getting a much better feel of Adelaide's character but I hope you'll give her a bit more 'darkness' soon given her troubled history with her family, etc. She's likeable, though a little dramatic (but what teen isn't?). Things are developing nicely though! I've already mentioned the formatting but it's a minor thing and I know the validation queue can be quite long!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad it's all fallen into place. I'm glad you like my ideas!
As for Hannah...Hannah doesn't know where she lives. She just assumed that she's a frequent visitor at Diagon Alley. She normally stays out of Hannah's sight during the school year. And George...well, think about it. He's GEORGE. Also, Adelaide rented with Willow present, so he just assumed that she was her mom or something.
The darkness will come, don't worry. I'm actually better at writing dark, methinks, even though I'm a happy person...oh, the irony!
As for the formatting...ugh. I'm sorry. I hate it, too. Report Review
Quite a big jump from the prologue (I think?). From a reader's perspective, the first thing I noticed was the formatting - the gaps between lines, particularly when there's a lot of dialogue, makes it a bit tiresome to read.
Otherwise, an interesting start! I'm getting a better feel for Adelaide's character, and her bickering with Scorpius was amusing. I'm a bit confused about their ages though - she can Apparate and do magic so I'm guessing she's over 17, but sometimes I felt that the dialogue/internal monologue was perhaps a little less mature than a seventeen year old's might be, particularly one that would have grown up very quickly after running away from home.
Another critique I have is that in comparison to the break-in in the Deathly Hallows, it seemed pretty simple. I'm presuming (I'll have to reread) that the goblin was their 'inside man'? The detail about the horcruxes was an interesting touch, but I think not quite canon - Harry dropped the ring in the Forest and the diadem was completely destroyed in the fire (I've just re-read, can you tell? :P). Also, I would think Harry would return the sword to Hogwarts? Sorry, this is just the canon-nitpicker in me :)
I'm curious about Willow's character, and Albus's motives for helping them, which is enough to make me keep reading.Author's Response: The gaps annoyed me to no end. I was so mad about that. They just...occured! They won't go away, either, so I'm sorry about that.
Adelaide is actually 16. Willow is a Trace Tracker, which means that she's the one who keeps tabs on all the underage wizards. She hid her and Scorpius' Trace so they could do magic.
OH. MY. GOD. I am SO ashamed of myself. I...I wasn't canon? But I'm obsessed with canon! I'M GOING TO CRY NOW.
Okay, it's official. I'm rewriting this chapter. You'll probably see it soon.
You'll find out Al's motives soon, love. Don't worry. Report Review
Here with your review!
I know you've asked for ch2 & 4 to be reviewed but since I'll need to read the earlier chapters first, I'll see if I get there :)
First off - interesting structure. I liked the switches between her thoughts and what she was doing. It was also a good way to introduce her family and background. I don't think I really got a feel of her character though, the main thing I felt was that she was quite self-pitying. Since it's only the first chapter, I can't really tell if she's a bit Mary-Sueish, but a Slytherin-rejecting-their-'code' can be a fairly common trait. However I shall save judgement until later! I hope you'll explain why her opinions differ from her family's, or how she changed - for example, Sirius would have been brought up with the 'pureblood' sentiment, but it's possible to assume that since he was placed in Gryffindor, his friends would have had an strong influence. Children generally are 'products' of their families and it takes something quite major, I think, for them to rebel against that.
Sometimes I thought there was a little too much description on clothing/minor actions (eg. when she changed into her pjs) but that's more a personal opinion.
Minor issues with grammar (a beta might help?), but nothing that really made me cringe.
Overall it's a reasonable prologue and I'm curious to find out what happens next!Author's Response: Thank you! I loved your feedback. A lot of people have been questioning the motives of her, and her character, but I wanted her character to develop slowly throughout the story. I agree, I actually think that she found who she was through Scorpius. I think he's more like his mother, and his mother is strongly opposed to HER family in my mind, so Adelaide probably found her voice through that.
She also reads a lot of fiction/action/adventure stories. I think through the books she developed who she was. I know that I'm strongly developed as a person through books, especially HP. As we all know, books are a major influence in our lives. I agree with you, though, on your views on the Mary-Sue stereotypical "Rebellious Slytherin" character. I'm trying to develop her character while not going too much in that direction.
As for the grammar...I might get a beta. I'm thinking about it.
Thank you so much! Report Review
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