Emesias here with your requested review ^_^
Apologies for taking this long to fill out for request :(
Grammar/ spelling: Minimal. There were a few grammatical errors however, it's not anything that distracting. Easily fixable.
Characterization: I'm liking your characters so far. They're very unique, interesting and they seem very promising. So far the creativity that you're putting into them are really good and very entertaining. (Just be sure to not fall into any of the cliches). I'd really like to see how your characters develop.
Overall, i think that you have a really good story developing here! Just be sure to remain consistent and keep away from the plot holes!
Happy Writing!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review! It really means a lot and I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I will definitely take your tips into account :)
-Marissa Report Review
I like this story! It's really cute and fun :)Author's Response: Thanks! :) I'm glad you like it!
-Marissa Report Review
Overall, I wanted to say good job! This chapter was more interesting than the last and, in my opinion, better written.
I had a brief moment of confusion regarding this phrase: "Of course quiet can be used in normal houses." The word "used" doesn't make sense in this context.
Additionally, it seems extremely juvenile for James' entire family, including his parents, to ignore him. Ignoring someone is a not-so-effective tactic used be 7-year-olds. I understand that they're seeking revenge on James, but you might want to consider revising how they seek revenge.
This sentence seemed a bit repetitive and unnecessary: "After that bit of fun I had when Uncle Ron’s family came over for dinner that night, my family decided that they’d all ignore me." I believe the reader is already aware that James was being ignored by his family, however childish the action may seem.
I believe the reference to the word "stealth" was misused. Stealth doesn't exactly give anyone better hearing, and, therefore, didn't make sense in that sentence.
I also think you focused too long on the fact that both of James' parents had taught him to play Quidditch. I believe you discussed it for three or four sentences. One would have been sufficient.
In your author's note, did you mean to say that your fuse just burned?
With regards to characterization, you have done an excellent job of further evolving James' character. He seems to have the mind of a small child, though.
Your plot is moving along a bit slowly, but it is definitely there. Hopefully, we will see more of it come through in the next chapter.
Good job!Author's Response: Well first of all, thank you.
The point wasn't for them to seek revenge on James... it was just a way to avoid any further problems. I guess I can see where you're coming from though. Thanks for the pointers!
-Marissa Report Review
Firstly, I found the beginning paragraph to be extremely confusing. The only tidbits of information I retained from that paragraph was something to do with James' family and his ego. Those two words were repeated way too many times in such a short paragraph.
Secondly, you might want to elaborate further on the reason that Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione were spending the day at the Potters'. Was it to celebrate a birthday? Don't leave readers guessing.
Another point of confusion: How did James bring Rose UNO the argument between Albus and himself? That sentence didn't make sense to me.
I didn't really understand James' logic when it came to determining who apologised first. I understand that he was already grounded, but how does that have anything to do with saying sorry?
Also, I would recommend staying away from texting abbreviations when constructing a writing piece, such as this one.
This sentence didn't make sense to me:
"Uncle Ron had Aunt Hermione to help him be formal"
How can you help someone be formal?
Additionally, how is James Quidditch captain when he's only in his fifth year? That seems a bit young.
I had one comment on these sentences:
"The food was served and everyone began chowing down. Mum was a horrible cook, so thankfully Aunt Hermione was here to help. She definitely hadn't inherited her cooking skills from Grandma Weasley who was a lovely cook."
The "she" in the middle of this paragraph makes it sound like you are talking about Hermione. You should probably revise that to prevent confusion.
I found it a bit strange that Professor McGonagall was still teaching at Hogwarts. In the books, Madam Pomfrey had commented about a woman of her age not being able to survive multiple stunning curses to the chest. I find it doubtful that she taught both Harry and his children.
In general, I noticed numerous spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes in this chapter. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a BETA? If not, you may want to consider getting one.
I enjoyed the ending of the chapter. Nice job!Author's Response: Hey,
Thank you for your review and taking the time to read my story! Ok, I'll definitely elaborate on why Ron and Hermione were there. It was supposed to be just a visit, not a celebration or anything but I can see the confusion.
Well, Oliver Wood was quidditch captain during his fifth year so it didn't seem that far-fetched... But I can see the confusion in the sentences you've pointed out. Thanks a lot for your feedback. It's appreciated.
-Marissa Report Review
Ugh. Sorry about my lateness. I've had a rough week. Anyway, here is your review:
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. You showed readers a less-known, more juvenile side of James, which I found to be an interesting development in his character.
I was happy to discover that they were no spelling or grammar mistakes. There were several minor punctuation mistakes, but I wouldn't worry about them.
With regards to flow, I found some of the sentences to be very choppy and disjointed. Try not to use the same words more than once in a sentence. That will help reduce reader confusion when they are reading your chapter.
I found myself struggling to grasp the concept that James was oblivious to the fact that his dad was famous for saving the entire Wizarding World. It seems as if his parents would have received a fair deal of publicity on the matter, which James would be hard-pressed to ignore. Also, I would imagine his fellow classmates would pester him with questions regarding his parents, or even ask for their autographs.
Lastly, I feel that James' pranks were a bit too childish for a fifteen-year-old. I think he could have been much more creative when creating his pranks. A trip wire just doesn't seem like a common object in the Wizarding world.
Overall, nice job!Author's Response: Don't worry about the lateness :)
Thank you for your review. All your comments and constructive criticism was greatly appreciated. I suppose a trip-wire is a bit uncommon and his pranks are a little bit childish but I wanted to go with a simpler touch. I can see where you're coming from.
James isn't supposed to be oblivious to the fact that his dad is famous... Eek, I'm sorry it came that way. I'll definitely go and edit with your suggestions. Thank you!
-Marissa Report Review
*superflyingtacklepounce* Hey there! I am here to review you in return-and fulfill your request!
Title: 10/10 That was just an ace in the hole, because shenanigans is one of my favorite words. I approve.
Summary: 10/10 I haven't read your chapter yet, but it made me want to read it, and it matched the title.
Graphics: 10/10 Are pretty darn fancy. And you have chapter images, which is just further proof of how non lazy you are. Because I was always waaay too bum-ish to even go through all the requesting and whatnot. Anyway!
" However, it’s not the packing that makes me nervous; the packing actually puts me at ease. It’s what my parents will evidently discuss with me today that bother me."
-I heart your first paragraph. The whole thing pulls you in to his mood and the whole walking thing just accomplishes so much in the way of identifying with his character and other smart sounding stuff with apparent effortlessness. Go you!
". Watching the birds and insects fly by, the clouds move and change into shapes and sometimes, even a frog or grasshopper would join me on my little promenade. "
-Hey! Imagery! See, I was expecting this. lol. You are better at this than I am. For sure. 1. you used the word promenade, which just made me happy (shrug) 2. You don't tell people 'use imagery' unless you yourself do.and you kick butt at it. *confetti for you* Onward!
-Your writing makes me smirk a lot. It's amusing and I kinda giggle on James's behalf a lot. And I'm only a few paragraphs in. If I quoted everything I like.you'd be rereading your story. ;)
"Let’s just say his “walking up and down the road”, was playing minor pranks around the house."
-Heh. I smirk in your general direction!
" I think my father was famous or a hero or something like that when he was younger. Meh, it doesn’t really matter."
-Hah!...Hah! I love stuff like this. It reads so innocently, but it's there to make the reader snort and think 'Oh, honey. You have *no idea*'. Silly James.
"He had gained some weight since his “glory days”."
-*insert unreasonable pout about Harry being fat here* lol
-Albus is my favorite, just so you know. He won out with sheer snark. ;)
" But, Lily had covered her windows with a thick black fabric. I had to say something before I started to discuss Albus."
-I don't know if it's intentional, but I'm getting I ginormic goth vibe here. lol. Maybe I'm a lunatic.
"“In my honest, trustworthy, brotherly and wise opinion, you should just go for a walk with mum. You two can talk over what happened today with Albus and mum can figure out his punishment.” I exclaimed optimistically. "
Hah! Sneaky Sneaky!! I grinned when I read that.
"For some odd reason, her books were incredibly heavy and felt like they weighed a lot more than they were supposed to."
-Is he being a drama queen, or did I just notice Something Important? Inquiring minds are inquiring!
Ending: Aw, James. Good try. But you Failed. lol.
The Ever-Dreaded Concrit: I did like this chapter a lot, but my one problem was that the whole prank seemed put on to me. I think it just needs some work to be more believable. I truly enjoyed his mental process throughout, but the whole thing just had an artificial tinge to me. This is just An Opinion, though. So no worries. :)
Grammar: 10/10 I didn't notice anything. So take that for what it's worth. lol.
Length: 10/10 It seemed appropriate to me. Not too long or too short.
Flow: 7/10 Like I said, things seemed to be planned out at certain points, but made up to reach those points in a...rushed(lacking a better term) manner. It's a problem that I find in my own writing all the time, so I suppose I'm being a hypocrite. *shuffles feet*
Characterization: 8/10 All of the young characters seemed spot on immature, moody and appropriately mischievous. I suppose I have a small problem with the lack of disciplinarian behavior on Harry and Ginny's part. They seemed kind of like the parents on Charlie Brown to me, which is fine as long as thye stay that way. Again, this is just my opinion.
Overall: 9/10 I liked it and it seems to be a promising and interesting story. I enjoyed the imagery and the snark. There were moments of intuitiveness that made me smirk. Overall, this does need a little bit of work, but I do like it a lot. Thank you for writing this and displaying your lovely ability. Also, I really did enjoy the words that you used (Shenanigans, fiendishly, etc;). No matter my criticism, this seems to be a certain kind of story and everything that I have read so far remains true to your original premise. As long as you continue to do that, this will be a great story. Good job and thanks for requesting and being a steroid filled reviewing machine. ;) You rock my socks.
Have a Splendiferously Fantacular Day!
9/10Author's Response: Oh sweet Jesus this is one LONG review! You my friend, are a blessing sent down to make people bow down to your mightiness and blush furiously at your reviews.
Seriously though, I cannot believe how long this is. First of all, thank you thank you thank you so much! You are extremely sweet and this review just made me so happy! You have no idea how much I appreciate this. My gratitude cannot be expressed into words as well as I'd like it to be.
So I'm really glad you enjoyed this story! It was extremely fun to write this chapter and the humour that went into it was enjoyed by me so I'm so relieved to hear that you thought it was funny too. Humour is really hard to write so the fact that others can understand and appreciate it is great! It makes me feel more confident as an author :)
Oh yes, shenanigans is one of my favourite words too so I'm glad you like it. Haha, I wanted to use that in the title so badly but couldn't think of how to work it in so thankfully, that came up. Woo for random creative moments. LOL. You quoting all the stuff that you liked really made me smile. Like a huge grin on my face. I swear I still have that grin on my face.
You are some genius, some extremely talented creature because this grin is like permanently plastered on my face thanks to you. Haha yes, the imagery. I always think it's important so I try to use it as much as I can. I'm afraid I'm a hypocrite sometimes but I'm glad that the imagery thing isn't where my hypocrisy issues come into play!
Hm okay, I'll work on the flow and the characterization. James is of course the main character so I haven't had the time to properly develop the others. Hopefully, as the story goes on, I'll have time to do that and work on the flow too! :D Thank you so so much for the amazing review!
-Marissa Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
This story is hilarious! The bacon? The silent treatment? The huge family argument in the last chapter? I don't know how you come up with these things... I don't think I ever could. I also love James' narration- I think you've nailed the fifteen year-old boy mind pretty well. He's such a teenager!
As well, your story flows very smoothly from one point to another. I love how you include little bits of history in his narration (the grudge cycle) because it helps to build a (hilarious) picture of his family life. The argument from the last chapter was genius! James is such a manipulative child that loves to create chaos... I just loved reading about Albus' wish to switch genders and Hermione's promiscuous ways. :)
I noticed a few things while I was reading that would be really easy to fix next time you do an edit. The sentences "So I got out of bed. All grogginess gone, just curiosity left in me" can be combined into one sentence. I think it would help the flow. As well, "was caused pain" sounds awkward, but I can't think of any other way to phrase it... sorry.
As well, I feel that James' "coolness" realization about his parents came out of nowhere. He had just yelled at his family and finished a weeks-long argument. I think that it was a good idea, but that it could also be "eased in" a little more. I would include some thoughts like "Maybe they weren't so bad" or "Maybe he had overreacted" earlier in the scene to make it seem more of a gradual realization.
However, this was another funny chapter in a funny story. I can't wait to see where you go with this one! And who could his friends be? Is James the new Marauder at Hogwarts? :)
I really enjoyed reading this and thanks for requesting a review!Author's Response: Oh wow, this is one LONG review!
You rock, first of all, let me tell you that!
Thanks for taking the time to write up such a lovely and long review. I'm glad the flow of the story is smooth.
Building James' family life was always an idea and I'm glad it's falling into place. I love tiny details like the grudge cycle. Details are amazing and I really think that they build the character of the story so I'm happy you liked that bit.
Thanks for your suggestions. I'll definitely look into that. You're so awesome for reviewing! You made me smile while I was reading this! Yay! :) Report Review
Another great chapter!
I think your entrances into the chapters are just brilliant. You always start it off very well with James' emotions and descriptions of the day and how the family is going, etc. It's really great.
He is so open with us and that develops his character wonderfully. And it's also the way you write him that just develops the story so much better. It adds so much life to it, humor, and personality. When he jumps the last four steps, it's great. It shows how deep into the story you go. It's clever that you can add things like this and shows your talent as a writer. It also shows James' personality. Wonderful! :)
And as for the plot of this chapter! Really wonderful. Again, you just have a way of writing the Potters and showing their unity through it all. They really shout family to me. Absolutely great. :)
I love your older Harry. I think a lot of authors have a really hard time writing him after the war because he could really change so much after the war, and we just don't know. So many people easily say he's out of character or something, but I love him here. He's so happy, something I think he is entitled to be 100% of the time after the war. He is brilliant.
A wonderful story! Thank you for requesting. Feel free to come request the next chapter when it's up! :)Author's Response: Aww your review made me smile so much! Actually, I was grinning. You are way too sweet with your reviews and the compliments are wonderful.
I'm so pleased that you liked this chapter as well and you liked the introduction. I always have a hard time with them, but this is the only story that I actually am pleased with all the introductions.
Older Harry was really hard to write, but in the end, I just let the words flow. I think that Harry would be definitely a caring father. I can definitely see him as a dad which makes it easy for me to write him.
Thanks for taking the time to review! Your rock! :) Report Review
Hello there! And back for the next chapter. :)
This was lovely! Just like the first. The humor was just fantastic. I don't know where you come up with it or how, but it's great. It just sinks into every part of the chapter and gives it so much life. It feels so real and as if it is jumping out of the screen with all of the humor. I like to think that the Potter house could go something like this after the war. Harry and Ginny's kids are just brilliant.
I know this chapter is titled family feud, but I was just laughing at it the entire time. The way you wrote it made it all enjoyable and I had a smile on my face the entire time. I felt like it was one of those times with the friendly arguments that, while you are actually arguing, it only makes their bond stronger. And that's what I felt here. They were all so connected like a wonderful family.
Super great job with that! I loved your mention of Ginny and her potential 50 boyfriends. That was hilarious and I love how you added that to the story. You know, Ginny did actually have a lot of boyfriends it seems during her days at Hogwarts, and I had never seen that fact played out in a fanfic before. I loved that change! Great job!
So the plot is coming along nicely, as are your characters. They are all wonderful and just click as a family without really trying even. That's brilliant!
Your actual flow of the story is going brilliantly too. You don 't take too much time to introduce characters or develop their traits and all that, etc. You use the plot to develop them, and never at one point do you overwhelm us with too much of something. You have spaced out the descriptions, emotions, actions, and dialogue just perfectly. There is a brilliant flow between everything.
Really great second chapter! I can't wait for the third. THank you for coming and requesting again! :)Author's Response: Oh my, you have got to be one of my favourite reviewers!
Seriously, it's so amazing to see the detail and effort you put into your reviews. They make me smile and the entire time, while I was reading your review I had a smile on my face.
I am so glad that you really like the chapter. I was so afraid that the story wouldn't be humorous and my writing would be dull but I'm glad that it isn't.
I really like the fact that the Potters are a family. They're close and that's how I always imagined them. I could really see Harry and Ginny as parents and I think they would have a very close family.
The fact that they argue and feud with each other only brings them closer and I am very pleased that you thought the same thing!
Yay! You like the flow as well. I like letting the characters play out and even though I have their characterizations in my head, I like them to be able to develop a bit through the plot so I'm glad you like that.
Thanks you SO much for the review! It was greatly appreciated. You are a wonderful reviewer! Report Review
Hi there! I'm here from the forums with the review you requested. :)
This seems like a great story! It had a wonderful start and a very entertaining chapter. You pulled me into the story immediately and kept me quite enterained. You have a good sense of humor, and with that humor, you added a lot of life and personality to the story. It was wonderful.
You opened it brilliantly with the in-depth but not overwhelming in the least descriptions of what clears James' heads and what exactly he is going through at this point in his life. At his age, I can definitely see this as being a typical conversation one would have with their parents, and I'm glad you have included that. Just because they are the Potters doesn't mean their children will know everything and not have to have the 'talks.' :P And I love how you went about it. It was clever, and I liked James' reaction to it all. It was quite entertaining and developed his character at the same time.
There are so many different personalities for the Potter children that are so overdone, but I love your characterization of James. He was hilarious and entertaining, and he made me have a smile on my face the entire chapter. I loved it when he bombard Lily with all the ridiculous questions starting with trees all the way down to birds and their nests. Very good.
This was a great start to the story. You did well with keeping your reader entertained and wanting more. Verry well done! :)
I am going to finish up my queue, and then I will return for the next few chapters. If you don't hear from me within the next few days though, feel free to come request again. :) Thank you!Author's Response: Hey! Thanks so much for reviewing!
Wow, this was a long mother of a review. It's so great to see when reviewers post long reviews. It really makes me so happy! I'm blushing at all the compliments you gave! They're so sweet.
I'm glad you enoyed the chapter and that you love my characterization of James. You are a wonderful reviewer and so sweet! I was worried about keeping readers entertained so I'm glad that you think they will be!
Thanks again so much for the wonderful review!
*blushes at compliments* Report Review
lol i liked this chapter. not as funny as the last one but still really good!Author's Response: Aww thanks! I'm glad you liked it. Yeah... can't always be as funny as the last. I think it'll be hard to please people after the second chapter but thank you for reviewing! Report Review
Hullo, this is fauxthefox from the forums with your requested review!
This is definitely very cute and fun to read. The flow is pretty good, although you have a few grammar errors here and there (mostly weird comma usage). I'd suggest that, if you belong to the hpff forums, you get a beta to work with you on that. You'll find some really lovely people who love grammar. :)
The one thing about this chapter that gave me trouble was the first-person narration. Since the writer is obviously a girl, it seems like you can't help making James sort of... feminine? It would probably be easier to make him a well-rounded, non-cliche character if you use third person, but that's obviously up to you.
This was really fun to read! Feel free to re-request if you'd like another review.
FauxAuthor's Response: Hey and thanks for reviewing!
Well, this story was co-written and the first chapter was written by my fellow friend Incarcerous who is a guy so I don't see how it could be feminine. We're trying not to use cliches but thanks for the advice! I really appreciate the review :) Report Review
Another good chapter. Just one thing- I thought that in the first chapter you said that Ginny wasn't a good cook, but in this chapter you said that she was amazing. But the rest was good and funny.Author's Response: Thanks. Oh... >.> Well, the thing is, with two writers sometimes our ideas don't always work out together so I'm so sorry about that and it will be fixed! Thanks for catching it! Report Review
A really well planned chapter and an enjoyable read! I like the fact that James doesn't really know nor care about his father's fame. It's nice that Harry's days as a celebrity does not seem to have affected his current life.Author's Response: That's very sweet of you to say :) Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
This story is hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing please write more.
ArielleMAuthor's Response: It makes me really happy to know that I'm making you laugh! (: Don't worry more chapters will be up soon. Report Review
this is so funny, i have barely stopped laughing !Author's Response: Aww, I'm glad I made you laugh! (: Report Review
Good story. I like your characters; not much different from how they were portrayed in J.K. Rowling's novels. I also like how you've included the entire family in here, at least by mention.
I do, however, have a problem with your grammar. You have a lot of run-on sentences that could be separated with commas or semi-colons. I would keep reading whether or not you did fixed that, but it does tend to bother me a bit. It would only help your writing style in the future if you attempted to fix your mistakes!
Keep them coming.Author's Response: I'm glad you like my character portrayal. I like keeping them canon but adding some quirks here and there to make them fanfiction material.
I didn't notice the run-on sentences and thank you for pointing that out. Now that I look back on it and read them with this in mind, they do kind of seem odd. I'll definitely work on it and I appreciate the feedback. Thank you! Report Review
The story was really planned carefully and I enjoyed reading it, especially when Jame's plan failed. I can't wait for the next chapter!!!Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it and more chapters should be up soon. (: Report Review
lol that was really good
made me laugh
make sure to make some of his plans work
Author's Response: Haha, thanks Report Review
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