This story is increcible. It's such a different pairing in Hermione and Alec but it works brilliantly. I love Jasper too! He's awesome! I'm waiting with bated breath for the next chapter! :) Report Review
I love it.write more??? I give the rating of 1-10 a 15Author's Response: i have written more under the pen name greeneyedAlice91 on a different site if you want to check it out thanks Report Review
I like how you displayed Jasper's human back story very well. I am trying my best to understand and read this chapter because I am not so well at the moment so I can hardly make sense to anybody, but its beautifully written I hope you write more about Alec, Jane and Hermione maybe bring the Volturi into detail. ratin 9/10Author's Response: thank u very much for your review and i'm going to do that in a few chapters...i'm plagued with writeer's block at the moment. i hope you get to feeling better :) Report Review
Wow..I was not expecting that but what about Ron's family also Hermione's? I mean Ron loves his family as does Hermione does Ron really want to give up his life his family for Jane.? I am okay with Hermione being changed into a vamp and all but with Ron its confusing...and slightly disturbing the fact that he will loose his family and friends it would never be the same. but its an awesome chapter... Ratin 10/10Author's Response: yeah i completelyagree i mean now that i think about it Ron hasn't known Jane for as long as Hermione has Alec...i think i'll have Ron in the next chap or so decide that he'd miss his human life too much to become one of the undead; at least at this point and time. thanks for the rating. :) Report Review
after hermione and ron they thank you to Carlisle changed they be with the cullens family. tell they are helping him? hermione tell jane fellings for Alec that she what's him to be happy for him are soulmates. ron ask alec how he felling for hermione he tell him that love her and care for her to that he join the cullens family. ron and jane are so join themAuthor's Response: thanks for the review
after hermione and ron they thank you to Carlisle changed they be with the cullens family. tell they are helping him? hermione tell jane fellings for Alec that she what's him to be happy for him are soulmates. ron ask alec how he felling for hermione he tell him that love her and care for her to that he join the cullens family. ron and jane are so join themAuthor's Response: .thanks for the review Report Review
First off, I'm going to admit that I have little love for shipping. However, I know it's a huge part of fanfiction and stories that are essentially just putting the author's chosen couples together are normal. So, I'm not going to criticize that, I'm just going to say "to each there own". This isn't for me, but I'm sure there are people who enjoy it.
Having read through 10 chapters, I'm going to give some criticisms that I think would make this a better story.
#1: I think the choice of using 1st person narration was a mistake. The constant swapping of who "I" is in each chapter, and then in each section, makes the story disjointed. In many places the narrator is describing other people's actions.
Instead of 1st person, 3rd person omniscient would have been better. You could still reveal the character's inner thoughts, but there would be no need for switching back and forth. I understand the desire to use 1st person, but considering what you are trying to achieve story-wise it doesn't work like you wanted.
#2: You have not been foreshadowing things enough. For Edward to suddenly go after another girl is so completely out of character already, but not to foreshadow over the course of the entire story makes the suddenness completely unbelievable. You tend to give a hint of what you plan to do at the top of the page and then do it at the bottom. Or on the previous page and then make it happen on the next page. It's too soon and not enough. You need lengthen out the subtle hints over a longer time to get the effect you are trying for when you give those hints.
#3: This one is not a mechanics comment, but one of personal taste. The way you had Bella act made it seem her entire relationship with Edward had no meaning to her. There was no pain or grief and then suddenly she is jumping Jasper's bones? Much, much, much too soon. At this point, the only reason anyone would like these characters is because they like Twilight. If you want to ship Jasper/Bella that's fine, but you need to space out their getting together with pain and betrayal and let the new relationship grow out of that over time. It should take at least several chapters of change and adaption to make it palatable to readers.
Of course, I'm not a fan of shipping stories in the first place, but I think my criticism is still valid. Keep in mind that shippers who love a particular pairing often will gush how great any story it that has that pairing. If you want the story to be great on its own merits there are ways of improving.
Hope this review does not come out sounding too harsh. There's a lot of things you did well in the story. I'm just focusing on the points I think you could do better on. Thanks for sharing your story.Author's Response: thanks for the tips
I find it a bit surprising that a vampire would wander about England so freely and take a taxi from England to Scotland. It would seem to go against the nature of their secrecy. There were also a few details that seemed odd, such as the headmaster's office not requiring a password for someone to go up to it, the fact that a Muggle taxi could find Hogwarts at all, even the illusory version since it is spelled to be "unplotable".
Aside from that, though, it's a fair start to the story.Author's Response: i realized that when i looked back at it but i realyy didn't give much thought to the transportation just what was going to unfold once Alec got there. as for the password thing; Dumbledore knew he was coming so prehaps Alec didn't require the password to enter the headmasters office. Report Review
Oh my god what a shocker but wow I love it wow wow wow i did not expect that coming at all but its awesome I really love this chapter but I cant believe Edward and Alice would do that to Bella and Jasper. :(Author's Response: thanks. ive been reading bella/jasper stories for the past few days and decided to add that to the mix because i think they would make a good couple. not as good as alice/jasper but close. Report Review
Awww Wow I love it, I am so happy that you updated I indeed have updated one of my stories called the Cullens and Hermione, indeed it is more untalented than this is, you are a better writer than I am and I love your story please please tell me a little spoiler *pouts* Love it loads Ratin 10/10Author's Response: *giggles* nope can't do it lol. thank you for reviewing; i loved writing this chapter for some reason. Voldie's part was the easiest...i've sent in my next chap to be validated and i think (if ur a fan of this particular non-canon pairing) u'll like it, but alas i shall say no more on that subject. thank u so much, again for ur lovely feedback. best wishes on ur stories :) Report Review
I have just one thing to say. In the summary, you refered to it as the twilight SAGA. when anyone says saga, it implies that it is something epic. twilight is most definitely not epic. edwrad cullen is quite possibly the worlds biggest creepy stalker. TEAM CEDRIC!Author's Response: um thanks for ur opinion but next time please only comment if its about the story. and please keep the twilight bashing to a minimum other readers like those books; as do i. Report Review
I loved it! =]] Can't wait till Next Chapter. I'm sorry It's taken a while to read and review but I'm still figuring out how to work this website and I don't quite know how to get updates yet =/ But Anyways keep up the great writing!Author's Response: Thank u for the lovely review! Its totally fine cause im busy.As well what with exams coming up and all. Keep a lookout for the next chapter :) Report Review
Sorry. I think you portraid Draco incorectly, he adores his father and looks up to him as well as tries quite hard too please him ( all in the books) and in book 6 lucius is very worried for his son and Draco is scared for his family- i dont blame you its kind of a steryotype ppl made up about all Lucius hating Draco and the other way round. As too say about Twilight well I dont care for it much ( you could call me a hater since I PREFER books about actual evil vampires a.k.a Count Dracula and Dramione aint no my fave)
So all in all good but Draco not too acurateAuthor's Response: eh, to each his own i suppose. im just glad people are reviewing. Report Review
Oh my gosh, you made Alice cuss! Can she do that??!! Aww, Janey blushed. ... She's shooting a death glare at me now, isn't she? Heh, heh...
And hmm, Hermione is describing (selling/setting up) Ron just like a certain SOMEBODY I know does with a CERTAIN cajun friend of her brother's and JANEY acts very similar to the person who is usually being informed. Very interesting. Make sure Hermione checks Harry's spelling before he sends off that reply letter. This was a great update, mon ami, and I'm thrilled that you made it longer. Keep up the terrific work!Author's Response: *blushes* hey i cant help it if i think said cajun friend of ton frere's is cute! haha thanks so much for the review, i'll try and make the next chap even longer if i can. Report Review
o my goodness i love it! * huge smily face*Author's Response: thank u so much! Report Review
I'm usually not a fan of crossovers that pair one of the golden Trio with a vampire, but you've pulled it off well. I'm writing a Twilight Harry Potter crossover myself, so I know how hard it is to try and stay true to both series at the same time.
Cheers!Author's Response: thank u so much for the review. ur the first person who has reviewed the 6th chapter. good luck with ur story. Report Review
I love it!!! My two favorite Book series put together!!! =] I look forward to reading more!!! =] I think Alec and Hermione make a wonderful couple!!! =] Can't wait till the next chapter, but I completely understand the school thing!!
- DestAuthor's Response: thank you so much for the feedback. i have sent in the sixth chapter for validation so hopefully it will be up soon. its probably one of my favorite chapters yet Report Review
thank you for saying my name and i love this chapter a lot i cant log in right now :( it wont let me its being a curse i love it so much and i cant wait for more wonder whats gonna happen next i wonder if jane, alec and hermione talk together i hope so :) rating 10/10 love it so much its fantistic i like your style of writing :)Author's Response: thanks so much! reading the reviews everyone sends makes my day so much better. and yes in the next chapter those three do talk, at least for a bit Report Review
wow ur story rox! its funny tho cause edwards is cedric and now its like hes returnd in a sense!Author's Response: haha. nice observation! i never thought of it like that before. Report Review
Ha, Janey!! I love it. Do Janey and Hermione get to bond? They should. And it should be over something random. Like REALLY random. I know you can do it! Can't wait for you to update mon ami! -Peace ;)Author's Response: they will. i haven't had much time to work on it but im sure it will be good. Report Review
Alright, where's my cookie? Ha, no but seriously, deep chapter! I liked the line where Draco says he'd give his life to keep his mom from danger, but then he'd be dead a thousand times over. It's a good line. Can't wait to see what's next! -Peace ;)Author's Response: thanks! i liked the line quite well myself. have you read my draco/ginny oneshot? it has a lot of good lines in it too. Report Review
Hey, sorry it's taken me so long to read this, but I promised I would so here I am! You know me, busy busy busy! But onto the chapter. I like that Emmett kinda laughed at Alec's joke. I think he'd be pretty easy to get along with, like he was a big joker. Also, it's typical that nothing could throw Dumbledore off. He and Beast are alike in that aspect, they just want to know how it works! But intriguing beginning and I can't wait to read more! -Peace ;)Author's Response: thanks for the review i really enjoy reading all the lovely feedback. i really enjoyed writing the begining if i do say so myself. :) Report Review
Hey, me again. I liked that he numbed her to the sight. That was chilvarous of him. And poor Malfoy, I bet Esme would adopt him in a heartbeat -figuratively speaking. Good chapter though! Can't wait to read more!Author's Response: ha! yeah she's kind-hearted like that. he does make a very brave choice a couple of chapters later Report Review
i love it :) i cant wait for the next chapter what will happen to hermione and alec??? i cant wait :) i love it :) :) im stuck on my stories all my ideas have gone :( fantistic plot fantistic story i love the way you added jane to it !Author's Response: unfortunatly i am not sure when the next chapter will be up. i'll try to get it up as fast as i can, but here's a treat for u while u wait: im going to put up a Dramione oneshot as soon as possible. thanks for the most excellents review :) Report Review
It is really good!! Don't worry I don't want a cookie. Lol.Author's Response: lol. thanks for the review ive just sent in the 4th chap for validation, and by all means read and review my other stories please it would really make my day Report Review
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