that was different but i really like it. I like how you pause it and play the flash back its like your watching an atuall convertion between ginny and the kids by being intrupted soo many times and when you describe how harry proposes you can really visulise the image of the scene before it gets paused and played again
great work and great one-shot :-) Report Review
This was great and had great punctuation... It actually made since and was entertaining!!! Report Review
Cute little story! Liked it alot! :) but shouldn't Ginny have been referring to Harry as me and Dad(or actually Dad and I)? ;) Report Review
Nice idea, but I think you should mix the flashbacks with your prose. Report Review
That was super cute! A bit more detail fleshing out the scene would be good, but, loved it :) Report Review
haha!! :) awee!! that was cute! :) Report Review
I read this twice the frist time it came out was the day I just started my account on here you were my frist story.
I still love this story and I always will you should be proud of yourslef my frist story stunk your's is really quite good.
Liz Report Review
it was an interesting idea, though you could have done a lot more with this story. making it a bit longer would help, drawing out the plot and having harry pop in to add to the story, maybe even have them argue about what actually happened (in a funny way of course). also, i don't see why ginny would get so upset that her children wanted to know about harry's proposal. sure they should have been in bed, but ginny should have felt touched that her kids wanted to know about such a milestone in her life Report Review
I liked it, just not how he purposed, it was lame. I thought it was fun, funny, and so on, it was cool.Author's Response: Thank you very much! Report Review
I think you have a really great idea already, it just needs some work in the sense of expanding it. Your story lacks details, you see how most of your dialogue (well most of your lines period) don't even make it across the page? That is a sign that your sentences are fairly basic and short and your story is lacking descriptions/details. I feel you really have imagined this for yourself, but it just didn't come across with words. Tell the reader every single thing you imagine to be happening and how it happened. Then you can go back and cut if necessary.
Also the formatting of your story was a bit odd, you broke many sections up with a * at odd times. Normally to me a * means time has passed and something has been skipped over. I found you used a * just when one of the children entered the room, I don't understand why. Also I believe HPFF rules (maybe the TOS) state the you need a full blank line between paragraphs, and standard grammar says that every time a new character speaks it is a new paragraph. This means the your last paragraph may be better off looking like this:
As me and Harry jumped into the river, Harry whispered in my ear; "I have a surprise for you."
"Ooh, I like surprises!"
"You're going to love this one." Me and Harry splashed into the night sea. "Ginny,"
"Of course I will, Harry."
Harry held out the sparkling ring for me to see. It glimmered in the moonlight."Ginevra Molly Weasley, please marry me."
And also think of connecting some sentences to create a nice cohesive paragraph. I do think you have a great start, you just need to work with it a bit more. Also, consider getting a Beta reader to help you out!
:)BaletGirAuthor's Response: Ok, that's a...good idea. Well, you are the longest review ever. Report Review
I think that was really cute and sweet how the children loved and wanted to hear how there parents got married. You7 did a great job. :) Report Review
This was a very cute story. I loved the beginning with James and his nerrrve. :)Author's Response: Thanks a lot! This review means a lot to me! Report Review
G R E A T : )
That's all i can say . : )
JilyRonks ; )Author's Response: Thank you very much as you're my first review!!! Report Review
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