Hello! It's Broomsticks from the forums with your review :)
I hope the wait wasn't too long, I was just busy with the end of school.

I thought that Jolecia was a strong narrator and you were really good at conveying her emotions. It was easy to feel for her - poor girl! She seemed very confused and quite an interesting character. The poem was a good way of introducing her heartache and inner turmoil.

Her language and inner monologue seemed believable but there was a part when I think you missed something out, because it didn't make sense?

"I mean I have never killed anyone, knocked them unconscious and or broken a few bones but nothing that hadn’t ever been done by other houses.

RIGHT! How many Gryffindors do you see breaking people’s bones and how many Ravenclaw’s do you see knocking people unconscious?"

It was clear that she was having an inner conflict with herself,
it was mostly this part "knocked them unconscious and or broken a few bones but nothing that hadn’t ever been done by other houses", it all got a bit muddled?

I thought that Makius seemed really slytheriney, and kind of slimey in a charming way which made him a fun character - but it was sweet to see that underneath he really cared about Jolecia.

I thought that the plot was really hooking, although to make Jolecia's feelings for Cedric more believable perhaps you could have discussed why she loved him so much, as well as her pain that he didn't love her back?

I loved how it was a happy ending, and she ended up with the boy who really cared about her. Makius' sudden nerves after Jolecia suprised him with a kiss was belivable and really sweet!

I thought that mostly your spelling was good and you described things vividly, but I did notice the comma use got a bit clumsy towards the end. There were commas where there shouldn't be and some missing where they should, so just look out for that next time you write a piece, or have someone look over this for you if you want to get rid of all the pesky little errors ;)

Hope this review helped a little and good luck with all your writing! Thanks for requesting :)

~Tallesttower/Broomsticks x

Author's Response: thank you so much i will go over this story and checj it out again.
i am glad you liked it thank you.
and it has helped a great deal thanks.
Estelle X

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Hey RandomRed here from the forums, I know 10 years later. NaNo abducted me.

Anyway, my favorite part has to be her inner Slytherin. It adds a twist to the story and makes it different.

There is one bit I was like Huh?? It may just be me though. Two secs.

I don't even think I am supposed to be in Slytherin I mean I am not that bad honestly. I mean I have never killed anyone, knocked them unconscious and or broken a few bones but nothing that hadn't ever been done by other houses.

RIGHT! How many Gryffindors do you see breaking people's bones and how many Ravenclaw's do you see knocking people unconscious?

I honestly can't decide if it is just me or the sentence just isn't right.
Anyway, ignore my crazy brain. The flow is really well done and I can't see problems with Spelling and punctuation but if you are really worried about it you can get someone to check it.

Makuis is so sweet and I am glad that Jolecia finally came to her senses.

Ginny45/RandomRed xxx

Author's Response: thanks for the review, i am glad that you like it and with the sentences there probably is something wong with it, but is her talking to her voice inside her head just letting you know :)
yes Makius is a sweet heart and yeah it was goof that Jolecia made a good choice.
anyway thanks for the review :)
Estelle XOX

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Hey Chick!
I Loved this story! I felt sorry for poor Jolecia through it! But I'm glad that she found someone to clear Cedric from her mind.
Great Story! Excellent Writing! :D
Ava xoxo

Author's Response: thanks honey,
glad to hear from you again :)
i am glad you like this story :)
thanks for the review
Estelle XOX

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Aw!!! I love how much Makius completely changed from the beginning to the end. I really really liked it!! You're an excellent writer!! I feel bad that Jolecia saved Cho, but no one even thanked her, not even Cho!! Poor girl!! Great job! I loved every second of it!
-Graceyn
10/10

Author's Response: thank you, i am glad you liked it. thank you for your comment :)
Estelle XOX

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