An intriguing idea, but I'm not really sure that I've gotten a real sense for what's going on. I'm also a little put off by Harry's out of character opening. As an orphan himself I don't think he'd ever be so cruel to another child. I suppose it may be necessary for the plot.
And what exactly is this Espiritus clan, hmmm? Mysterious...
Additionally you have a lot of unneeded capitalization through out the piece. I would suggest reading it over or typing up several drafts before you upload it to be validated.
LadyOrpheusAuthor's Response: I'm going to go back over it and edit the stuff as soon as i get a beta. Thanks for the review and i'll take your input into serious consideration when I edit this chapter. Report Review
'Lo! Gurtz here from the forums. :)
Well well well, what have we here?
Extremely dark Harry? Interesting concept. The idea of Harry going bad and evil never crossed my mind, but it's a very interesting concept.
Aside from the grammar mistakes already pointed out, it's a good start. :)Author's Response: Thanks. Actually the prologe is supposed to make the readers think that about harry. But if you end up reading on as i keep adding, Harry just changed because of the war. He just became cold, bitter, but not evil. Report Review
Very interesting and original!
This seems like a very promising story!
I get a very dark and gloomy feel from this story, which is good since I love things like that :P
Anyway... you have a lot of grammar mistakes.
"The woods heard all and they, the creatures of the night moved forward, curious by the sound."
-- You should have anther comma between "night" and "moved".
"Please Harry. I beg you he is only a baby. please?"
-- I think this would be better if you did it something like this "Please Harry! I beg you! He is only a baby!" You don't really need that extra please in there...
If you go back and re-read I'm sure you'll spot the other little mistakes in there ;)
But I must also point out that you tend to make random words capitalized.
"The night was Dark and eerie and the forest was Alive with dark activity."
--It's really unnecessary to have "dark" and "alive" capitalized, and as I was reading the chapter, I found I was getting distracted every time I saw something like that.
I suggest going through your chapter and checking for those kinds of mistakes before you post it, or perhaps getting a beta ;)Author's Response: Thanks for getting back to me. Yeah I've trying to get a beta on this for 2 weeks now but ummm nobody is interested enough i guess. I do tend to make errors like this and i Appreciate you pointing them out. I intend to go back over them and fix them when i get a Beta. Thank you so much. Report Review
I really liked this chapter :) It was very interesting, and it looks like the start to a very promising story!
Aside from a few grammar mistakes, this was a great starting chapter! And it's so mysterious and intriguing. I also loved how you've included Wicca, as well. JKR touched on the religion a bit, so it will be great to see where you go with the Wiccan influences!
Oh, and I love the name 'Sanctus Espiritus', too. It's a phrase in one of my favourite songs, so I just had to read this!! XD
Anyway, update soon?? Pretty please? =]
~LizzieAuthor's Response: Thanks, I'm trying to get a beta to get the small stuff fixed. I love hearing your input. And I got this title from one of my favorite songs called Our solemn hour by Within Temptation. So If thats the song then i really like it to. Report Review
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