A very interesting beginning to your story! it captivates us and makes us want to read more and find out what exactly happened in her past and what is going on now. the flow of the story is really well done and your description is beautiful as well and really paints the place for me. I'm interested to see who the guy is and what exactly comes next for them. Overall a great beginning and makes me wonder what happened in both her past and what is to happen for her as well. Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~ Report Review
This seems like a really good story! I like your narrative style and how you've maintained a sort of "suspense" throughout. Also, your description of the pureblood/death eater family is quite good and realistic.
The main character's thoughts and feelings came across quite well too. It made a nice captivating read, and leaves the readers longing for more.
Only one critic though - you've got quite a lot of grammatical mistakes. For example, problem with tenses, sentence phrasing and spellings (a lot of spelling mistakes in fact). It is kind of distracting. I suggest you get another Beta for the grammar :)
Over all though, this was a very nice read and I quite liked it. Your writing style is really good. Great job!
~Your Secret Santa
MERRY CHRISTMAS (in advance)! Report Review
Very Good! Some places were hard to read, your wording was werid but good none the less! Amazing Job Report Review
Thank you for requesting on my review thread. I hope you are well. ^_^
I was really intrigued by the idea for this story. I've never read anything quite like it. And I must say, the tone that you've chosen to write this story on was all very somber and mysterious that worked very well with the story line of having a family that dealt with Death Eaters and the Dark Arts. Good job! And you started light too, with that simple scene with your OC and her husband, then developed into a darker setting with your flashbacks, which made the story more interesting indeed.
As for your character, I liked her. You gave her this voice that was very engaging and very good for story telling. I could definitely imagine the fear and hopelessness she felt as she was relating her story during the time when she was still living with her father. She seemed rather weak then, with no backbone, dependent. But what I liked about your characterization of her was that she had a reason why she was like that. I have this image of her childhood, growing up confined to their home, unhappy but had no choice because she had no other place to go to etc. And I was very interested to see how she managed to get over that despair and how she reached that decision to run her life as she wanted and not as her family ordered her too, you know? But I agree with one of your reviewers that I'd like to see more reflection from her, because right now she seemed more like an observer. She seemed like a very compelling character and it would really help if readers get the chance to pick her brain once in a while.
Let's move on to your critique then. While I adored your narration and description, I am sorry to say that I didn't enjoy this story quite as much as I would've liked to because of the technical errors. I can understand that sometimes, especially when you're really into what you are writing, the spelling errors become the least of your concerns, right? But it always helps to proofread, because readers appreciate the effort too. Don't get me wrong, I was rather hooked with this story from the beginning, but I was a little distracted with a lot of the spelling errors and the typos. And there were definitely a lot of places in here that lacked punctuation love, if you know what I mean. :P I hope you don't mind but I'd rather not go and point them out one by one. I noticed that you already have a beta for this and that is good! Maybe you can suggest for them to focus more on the technical aspect next time.
As I said, your descriptions were amazing. Very nifty! You have the ability to wield simple words together and make them more striking and beautiful. The way you presented the scenes was very simple and that was what I loved most about your descriptions - not at all over the top but just as powerful, so I truly admired you for that. It's too early for me to comment on your plot though, but as I said, you have a very interesting idea for this and it definitely has the potential to be a great story. Just watch out for those technicalities, dear!
I know you have a new chapter up, but you only requested for me to review this chapter, so this is it for me! I'll see you around and keep writing! ^_^ Report Review
Hey RandomRed here from the forums :)
As far as opening chapters go, I like it you have good foundation for later chapters and you tell the reader enough to get them involved and wanting more.
Although I am being the biggest hypocrite ever here, a BETA would be a good idea. My grammar isn't the best either unless I triple check but my BETA is amazing. So just hop over to the forums and put a topic in the thread. They are happy to help.
That is however your only problem and it is the easiest to get better at as well. Anyway I really like the story so far. If you need another review just drop by my thread.
RandomRed/Ginny45 xxx Report Review
Hmm. A good story outline so far and you've portrayed the pureblood/Death Eater world quite well. However, there are some technical errors which do detract from the story a bit. You have a few spelling errors, particularly when it comes to splitting words ("whereas" not "were as") and using the wrong word ("presence" not "presents.") Have a look at your sentence structure as well; use of commas in appropriate places would help it flow better and varying the length of your sentences would also help. I also was a bit confused by a lot of the comments in the story, try to read through and imagine whether it makes sense to someone who's reading it for the first time. I know a lot of my comments are very general; if you want me to specifically go through and show you exactly what I mean, just PM me on the forums and I'll be happy to go through it. Report Review
Hey, it's moonbaby here with your review! :)
This was a really good opening chapter. It left a lot of information still hidden and un-revealed, but gave enough information to understand what is going on. I really want to know who Aurora's husband is, and how she went from being a Death Eater to marrying the man that she loved (not to mention a Gryffindor!)
This chapter was really engaging, and I liked the scene with Rabastan in the kitchen. That just shows how much pureblood familys were influenced under their parents and what was 'proper' and 'right' for a pureblood to do.
I think you have an original idea here! I've never read anything like that, so good job there! Overall, I thought this was a brilliant first chapter! Keep up the great work and I'd love to review the next chapter once it's up! Report Review
Hey! It's Elizabeth23 from the forums, here with your review :)
This is an absolutely brilliant opening chapter! It's so engaging and interesting; I love it! It really captures attention, too, and you have written this very well.
I really like how you haven't revealed too much about who Aurora and her husband are. It keeps readers guessing, and I am very interested to see how she went from being the Death Eaters daughter to marrying a Gryffindor.
I love reading stories where there is the expectation hanging over a character, but then there is also the characters own thoughts and beliefs. I always find that fascinating, and you seem to have captured both ways of Aurora's thoughts very well so far.
This opening chapter has been set with a real air of mystery that is really intriguing, so you have done very well there. This story has the foundations for something absolutely amazing, so I cannot wait to see where you go with it! I would love it if you stopped by again when you next update. :)
~Lizzie Report Review
Hey :) It's firebird here with the review you requested.
Firstly I'd like to say that I really like the premise for this story. I think showing how she went from Death Eater's child to where she is now will be very interesting. Of course it's a little hard to tell what the story as a whole will be like from just the first chapter, but so far I think it's looking good. You've even got a cliff-hanger in there to make your readers eager for the next instalment. It also seems like quite an original idea and way of structuring the story, so that's always a plus.
The biggest problems I could see with this story are the spelling and the sentence structure. As I said before the plot is very interesting, but at times it's a little hard to follow the story simply because of spelling or grammar errors. I think the best thing for you to do would be either find a spell-check program to run your story through, or ask your beta to focus specifically on these areas.
Despite these errors, you do have some lovely pieces of description in here. For example:
"...the chill was so intense in the kitchen, so that I could feel his body heat as he walked into it..."
I love this little excerpt. You could have been boring and said that it was freezing, icy, etc. but instead you used some beautiful descriptive writing that really added to the story. Well done :)
You also do quite a good job of showing how your character is feeling, although personally I would have liked to see a little more description in some parts. For example, when Rebastan is kissing her. You hinted at the conflict she's feeling (her father's instructions against her own feelings) but I would have liked to have a better idea of what was going through her mind. After all, she's quite an intriguing character.
I think that what you have here is a fairly good story, with the potential to be a great story. All that's holding it back are the spelling and grammar errors. You have a strong, interesting plot and good characters, but it's sometimes difficult to focus on them because these errors are so distracting.
I think that if you fix these little problems up, your wonderful storyline, characters, and descriptions will have a chance to really shine :)
I hope this has been helpful, and can't wait to see this story fulfil its potential. I think it will be wonderful. Report Review
Hey! Gurtz from the forums here! :)
I loved this, I really did. I thought it was interesting and it showed how far some pureblood, Death Eater families would go in order to keep it that way. I liked how the female refused to be a part of the crowd, yet didn't openly defy her family (yet, I'm assuming).
All in all, aside from a few spelling errors, it's great! :)Author's Response: Thank-you and your right about her, she will at some point.
sorry about them. Report Review
Hey Gryffie! (:
The thing I really liked about this was the way you described what was happening. Like, the details of the scene. The paragraphs were enough to be captivating but not too much as to be suffocating. So you found a nice balance with that.
I would have like to have seen more information and such about who it is we are reading about. Maybe just a few extra details. But at the same time, maybe that mysterious air is more what you're going for, in which case you probably don't need to change anything.
Good job, Gryffie!
Erica.Author's Response: Hey Thank you
Yes the mysterious of this one is what I am going for, just for a bit. Thank you for the kind words and glad you enjoyed it
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