Black veil brides, and escape the Fate are my favorite bands. Bring me the horizon is pretty good too :)Author's Response: They're some of my favorite bands as well, that's why I ended up having to put them in my story, but since we can't have real people in stories on this site I had to change the members of Black Veil Brides' names.
Anyways, yeah They're great bands. Thanks for the review. :) Report Review
First things first, your spelling and punctuation need sorting. This story is littered with errors. Most word processors have a spell check function, and please make sure you use it and proof read each chapter before uploading.
Avoid writing sentences entirely in capital letters as it looks messy on the page. Instead, use an exclamation point to show if somebody is shouting.
Also, please make sure you use proper prose. There are times in this when you almost start writing in script format, not properly setting the scene or describing the action. It can be a bit frustrating to read as it's difficult to picture what's going on.
There are a few more issues I'd like to address - 'Hermione' does not shorten to 'Mia'. Granted, it will shorten to 'Mione' but there are plenty of indications in the books that Hermione likes to be addressed by her full name (eg. when she's trying to get Krum to pronounce it right). There is also no need for the glamour spell. In particular, the purple eyes are a bad idea as nobody has purple eyes naturally. It's basically taking the character Hermione from the books and making her completely unrecognisable. You're perfectly entitled to make this AU and alter canon slightly, but Mia is just so different from canon Hermione that she may as well be an OC. The way Harry and Ron are sidelined in favour of the new friends you've introduced also suggest this would work better with an OC. This story would be greatly improved if you were in fact writing about your own original character who discovers she is Snape's daughter.
What's more, I'm struggling to believe Snape would ever have children since he's so infatuated with Lily and wouldn't want kids with anyone else. And if he did have kids, he certainly wouldn't name one of them James. Snape hated James Potter - the man who bullied him relentlessly at Hogwarts - and he wouldn't name his son after him.
Snape's characterisation is also off. He isn't the warm, fatherly type. He is cold and emotionally distant. The way he talks and acts around Mia/Hermione isn't characteristic of canon Snape at all. Again, this story would be improved if your version of Snape were in fact an OC.
Sorry to be so harsh, but I do think this story would be better off if you were writing about original characters. The characters you say are canon really don't feel like they are at all, and would require a complete overhaul of everything you've written to change that. If you wish to continue writing them the way you are doing then that's up to you, but I don't think it's true to the books.
Other than that, I hope the other points I made were of help to you and good luck with your future writing.Author's Response: I know there are flaws, I'm not the best editor, I just entered 7th grade and don't have other people to edit the stories.
Mia is not a shortened version of Hermione, Hermione is no longer her name she found out it's actually Mia Jade Snape. I didn't notice the James part until you mentioned it. James and Justin were named after two of my brother's friends. Now I feel stupid for not noticing the connection.
I know that they are not exactly like the actual characters, the reason being it's a fan fiction, not the actual books. I'm sorry if this disappoints you but you have to understand I'm not J.K. Rowling. I'm surprised you mentioned nothing about Voldemort, he's what most people have a problem with.
I'm sorry if you think that I wasn't able to set the stage well. I was just beginning 6th grade when I wrote these chapters, it's been a year I've definitely grown as a writer.
I will continue writing this story soon as it is, but I will also write my other stories the way they fit me better. So I suggest if you don't like this story then try reading my other story that's been started. If you don't like that one then you should check out my friends' accounts, they stay truer to the books than I do, so you might like them. XxJinxxedxX is one of the ones you might like then there is also karatechic76 you might like her as well.
I hope I helped at least a bit. Also I know there are a few "plot holes" in the story but they are actually just loose ends to be tied up at the end.
Alright, bye and thanks for reading/ reviewing. :) Report Review
this story is awesome i can't wait to read the next chapter :DAuthor's Response: Thanks, I'm busy writing my other fic right now but I'm hoping to start this one back up by Winter at the latest. So it might be a while but I won't abandon it, so keep checking back. Report Review
These chapter are relatively short. Make them longer!Author's Response: I know my chapters are short, but when you think about it the last two are really long, seeing as though the first three were only around 600 words.
I will be making them longer in the future, but right now I'm focusing on my other fan fic instead of this one. I have not abandoned it yet nor will I, I still know where this story will end but as of late the other story has been easier to write.
I hope you'll read both because when they're done they should be really great.
Alright, thanks for the review bye. :) Report Review
They most certainly did not meet Charlie in the first book, he went straight from Hogwarts to study dragons in Romania. He did not meet Harry until 1994, this is canon to the actual books. I haven't seen the movie in awhile, so I cannot say the same for the movie, but I'm about 95% positive that Charlie was not present in the first movie as well. Bill went to Hogwarts until 1989 and Charlie graduated in the spring of 1991, before Ron, Harry and Hermione began to attend Hogwarts. Your timelines are all out of sorts, you NEED to fix them.
Another thing, the point of using a character is to actually keep them in character to how they're written. Yes, it is fanfiction, but you are borrowing a character that has already been established by another, in this case J. K. Rowling. Your character DOES NOT act how the established Hermione Granger acts, which is what everyone, myself included are having a problem with. YES, Hermione is a fictional character, but she is not YOUR fictional character, therefore she is already established as to having a personality. You cannot change her personality because that changes who she is, no longer making her Hermione.
There's more that I could say, but I feel it's already been said, so I take my leave. Good day.Author's Response:
Alright to the first part, Charlie was in the first book not the movie it was a very small part I don't believe he even really spoke but he was with the group that took Norbert to Romania (from what I remember at least I could be wrong). I used him in my story just because he's a Weasley that's really the only reason he and Bill are even on that list.
As to the second part the only thing I will say is not everyone is having a problem with that. I will say no more on this matter because I'm getting tired of replying to these comments. To anyone else who has a problem on the matter my response would have been mostly the same to you so most likely I will not reply to you unless you say something that has not already been said.
Thank you, that is all I have to say. Report Review
Nobody even knows Charlie. They only meet him once in book four, and barely even talk to him.
They don't meet Bill 'till number six. Why would they give you things if you've never legit met?
That's silly.Author's Response:
Everyone knows Charlie they all met in the first book, but ya he didn't talk much. Of course Bill and Charlie are going to give her gifts, they're Weasleys! :P
you're silly. LOL. Report Review
I have to honestly agree with the other person who critiqued your fanfic here. There are a lot of problems that are there, a lot of which the other person addressed to you.
~ The mystery genre is about having an unexpected ending, not out right confusing your readers to the point that they think that you need to plan out your story better. Confusing your readers with plot holes is simply bad writing and is something that you need to work on if you wish to grow as a writer.
~ Good writing doesn't do things just because the writer wants to do something. They work on making the writing believable to the reader. While you want to make Voldemort a good guy, the truth of the matter is, doing so is something that is very hard to believe because of the way his character is.
~ You are NOT Hermione. If you WANT a character that is like yourself, don't go placing your traits into an already established character. Create an OC, because that is in fact what you've done.
If you honestly want a good story, don't start in the middle of your story, start at the beginning. Also, if you break/change canon, fix it/make it so it is still believable to the reader. Will it take time and work to plan out this story if you do so? Well, yes... but that is what good writers do, they put a lot of work into planning out their stories.Author's Response: ~ The story isn't finished yet therefore you don't know what the ending is so you can't say that the ending won't be surprising.
~ You call them plot holes I call them loose ends that WILL be tied up by the END of the story.
~ I know I'm not Hermione, no one is because she is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. I was told to write how I know how to, even when that means changing a character. Not to mention there are a lot of people on this site who make their Hermione completely different from the Books' Hermione.
~ I didn't start in the middle of my story I am nearly positive I have five chapters published starting with chapter one that making it the beginning of the story.
~ This story has very much been planned out it has been since before I even heard of this site.
I want to thank you for basically calling my writing "bad" (or at least that is what you implied when comparing "good" and "bad" writing sorry if that is not meant) just because you see flaws or "plot holes" in it.
Though you seam to be forgetting that; I'm the writer your the reader I know where my story is going you do not (yet), you have only read (or I'm assuming you have read) the first five chapters, I on the other hand have thought for endless hours on how to go about this story.
I understand that this is your opinion while mine is different from yours, but that does not change the fact that I know what I'm doing with this story because I am the writer.
Please, don't take this as I'm being cocky or that I'm trying to be mean, I'm just trying to defend my writing.
Thank you, for your comments on my story even if it sounds like I don't like it at all the criticism is still very much appreciated. Thank you.
I can understand the desire to shake things up, but you have to be careful when you're doing that, or else you end up with something that's referred to as "In Name Only."
I can accept a fic that tries to portray the Order as bad guys, but you can't make Voldemort into a good guy, because quite frankly, it goes against everything we know about him in the books. This is the guy who killed Cedric Diggory because he happened to be there. I mean, he calls his followers the "Death Eaters!" If you make him a warm, caring person, who sues for peace because his goddaughter had a bad dream, then it's not really Voldemort anymore.
Even worse in terms of "In Name Only" is your Hermione. She has a different name, different appearance, different friends, and a different personality. How is this still Hermione Granger?
Also, if you're going to change around canon events, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you're not following canon, and explain what's different early on. It's confusing to watch 4 year old Draco mention the Dark Lord, when you haven't told us that Voldemort DIDN'T die when Draco was only a year old.
Finally, remember that answering my questions in response to my review does not eliminate the fact that I had to ask them in the first place. There are holes in your story that need to be patched up.
Please don't think I'm trying to be mean. I'm a writer myself, and the most important thing I've learned is that it you want to get better, then when someone criticizes your work, you need to stop and listen to what he/she has to say. You don't have to agree with it, but don't dismiss it right away. Stop and look, to see if he/she may be right, first. And if someone else comes along and says the same thing, take an even longer look. It's the only way to improve. Report Review
I've read the entire story so far, and I've got a few comments to make. Please try to take this constructively.
First and foremost, this is not Hermione. If you want to make a character based off of you, just make a new character. You've dumped what I assume are your interests and your personality. You don't even list Ron and Harry when she's rattling off her friends. I didn't realize that Mia was supposed to be Hermione until I was several chapters in. I initially assumed she was Hermione's adopted sister. You'd be much better off making her an original character.
Secondly, the Hermione discovers she's actually the daughter of Snape/Lucius/Voldemort/etc. is very overdone and rarely done well. The entire point behind Hermione is that she was spectacular on her own merits, proving that the racist blood supremists were fooling themselves.
The details don't really make any sense, either. The first chapter implies that this was all set up in advance, that they knew Snape would return for her on that day, but that doesn't line up with her being kidnapped by the Order. It's not helped by the fact that when she was five, Voldemort had been defeated for four years and the Order disbanded. I advise against changing history, but if you insist on doing it, you need to make sure you explain this to your readers, and that you think about how the changes you're making would effect everything else.
Your Voldemort is no better than your Hermione. Voldemort didn't care for anyone. He didn't love. He certainly didn't want a daughter, and he wouldn't sue for peace just because she had visions of him killing innocent people. He DID kill innocent people. Don't try to paint Voldemort as the good guy and the Order as the real evil, because it just doesn't work.
One last note is her muggle friends. They're a distraction. We, the readers, don't know who these characters is, which makes it hard to care about them, yet we're interrupted every five paragraphs or so as she gets yet another phone call from them. The whole scene where Ace is threatening his friends with a knife is particularly jarring.Author's Response: The reason these details don't make any sense is because they are loose ends to be tied up come the end of the story. I made my Voldemort the way he is because I didn't want to write a story where everything is the same as in the books. I like having the Order as the bad guys in my stories because in the books they are the good guys so I like to change it around give a new reason why Tom Riddle hated hem so much they took the ONE thing he ever cared about away from him.
I made Hermione/ Mia yes a little like me because inside she is a total nerd/ bookworm but everything else about would lead you to believe the exact opposite.
Now the scene where Ace is trying to kill everyone is actually a more dramatic version of a video I saw where this guy strongly believed he was Sweeney Todd, my friends and I are always joking about that video so I thought I would put my version of it in my story.
The reason her friends are always calling her so often is because lot's of them act like five year olds and she is the responsible one so every time they get into trouble they call Hermione plus they don't get to see each other very often so every chance they get they call her. I will be going into more depth with Hermione's friends in later chapters just to let you know. Also I never said all of them were muggles that I remember at least. The reason Harry and Ron are not included in her friends is because she was telling them the ones that didn't go to Hogwarts assuming they already knew of those friends.
Now on the fact about Hermione's adoption, it was an Order member was who took Hermione there, they said that her father would most likely return for her one day they were trying to make it sound as if the parents could not take care of the child, but in reality they knew that if Snape or anyone else found out where she was they would come for Mia/ Hermione, they knew that the Death Eaters would look for her.
I hope this answered most of the questions/ concerns you seem to have in your comment come back and continue reading when I post more chapters and I hope you will me happy with the end result when those loose ends are tied up. Thanks for the feedback/ review. Report Review
wowo worth the wait awesome job cant wait for the next one Report Review
This is cool and Hermione's room is awesome! It's my dream room. Anyway, I really liked it, I can't wait to read the next chapter. Bye!
-malfoydraco Report Review
amazing job hun yes it was a long wait but it totally makes up for itAuthor's Response: awww thanks I tried really hard for this one and made it a lot longer but it took a while because of school. I'm working on chapter five right now and hope it will be around the same length. Report Review
haha, nice. i would of used different words for draco. Report Review
A little short but interesting.Author's Response: I know their short, but that's only because I have had realy no time to write them. I'm working on the next chapter and I hope when it is finished that it will be longer. Report Review
Please write more I can hardly wait for the new chapter. Report Review
You have a good plot. Keep up the good work and keep those chapters coming! Report Review
This site is wonderful but the rejections sometimes are backed up! Oh well. keep the good job and keep them coming please! Report Review
once again; fix your those two keys i noted last chapter (they must be broken if you're missing this many) and this could go into my favorites!Author's Response: I'm working on it I wrote both of these chapters in like 8 minutes each because my school over loads us with homework so i'll fix it next chapter. Report Review
there're these two wonderful little inventions on all keyboards. There're called the period and the comma.
otherwise it going wonderfully! Report Review
aw i want to know what she looks like awesome job hun Report Review
It's a good story but I guess it will be better if you use capitalization in every beginning of the sentence.Author's Response: Again sorry I have just been forgetting to do that i will fix that next chapter Report Review
Just so you no its realy annoying to read a story where there is no capital letters. I found it harder to get it at all because of this problem. Keep on going though this story has potential.Author's Response: Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that I'll fix that next chapter Report Review
dang, what a way to find out. Report Review
can't wait to read the next chapter!
Update soon please!!!
Jenn Report Review
OMG! Please write more! I need to know what happens next! If you can and if you have time please read some of my books too! Thanks! Report Review
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