Reading Reviews for My Lily
22 Reviews Found

Review #1, by wolfgirl17 Always

26th November 2015:
Hey Kennedy!

Wolfgirl here after so long to read this from my review thread. I'm sorry I've been such a slacker about getting over here. I have no excuse and I apologise about the wait time.

As for the fic, I really liked it. I happen to be quite a fan of Snape/Lily, so I really liked that this was set before they've even got their letters yesterday. I thought it was super cute that they pinky swore and that Lily kisses his cheek, basically cementing his adoration of her so early on.

I'd have liked a bigger look into their friendship and into whatever it was that Sev did to Petunia, but at the same time, it leaves me hungry for more. I hadn't read the fic before you began the re-write, so I don't have much to compare it to, but this was definitely a good read.

I look forward to seeing where you take this, as it has the potential to be a truly breathtaking Snilly fic, though I'm unsure if that's the direction your going. I can't wait until you bring James onto the scene as well.

Keep up the great work, and I hope you'll be back for more reviews in the future.


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Review #2, by princesslily_36 Your Friend

14th October 2015:
Hello there! PrincessLily 32 from the forums!

1. Lasting Impression

The beginning from Peter's PoV was refreshing. As with the previous chapter, a little more adjectives that subliminally bring out his insecurities would go a long way in making this a truly remarkable fanfic. I'm liking it so far, Liking where you're taking this, and frankly I've something of this kind planned for my upcoming fanfic (awaiting inspiration! Lol!)

2. Language and Grammar

I couldn't find anything wrong here!

3. Prose and Dialogues

The Lily/Peter exchange seemed to be of concern to me. Regarding the characterization I've mentioned below, but regarding the dialogues and the prose - I feel you should make Peter more awkward and bewildered, rather than calm and solution-springing!

4. Characterization

James: He somehow doesn't seem to strike me as the person to initiate conversation with a mousy looking first year. I would have pictured him as someone who hit it off well with Sirius and didn't bother about Remus or Peter untill a little into the term, kind of like Harry and Ron. But to each his own then. But on hindsight, maybe James befriending Peter was what made Peter hero woship him so much. Or maybe I'm thinking too much into a casual course of conversation that You have written :D Haha!

Lily: Ooh! I'm so liking this not-so perfect Lily. When she broke down in front of Peter, I could totally picture a 11yr old Lily Evans battling with Petunia's mean jibe and separation from her only comfort in this new world away from her parents and everything familiar. I'm so loving it.

Peter: The though of him comforting Lily, or being so put together when a girl cries all over him is really weird. Boys don't do that. Ron and Harry were bewildered when Hermione burst into tears. Harry patted cho awkwardly when she cried all over him. Guys just aren't wired to be cool and collected when a random girl bursts into tears to them. Maybe Remus might have been the type, but Peter, I find a hard time believing that. They're 11yrs old after all. I like how you brought in the Peter/Lily friendship quite a bit. Maybe if you just put in a lot of 'Er-'s from him and bring out how he thought it was weird but wanted to help her or something, that would make it better.

5. Facts and Fiction

Everything perfect in here!

Again, sorry for the criticism, I'm just a super sucker for character development. To each his own I guess.

To answer your question at the forum, I really think you should continue this. I know what it is to pick up a really old story and brush it up for continuation (I'm currently doing that myself). I think you should carry on with it. I'm going to favorite this, I would like to see what more you can come up with. Work a little more on your characterization, and use describing words or actions to get the mood across. Apart from that, your writing style reminds me of my own From my fanfic-writing days and I wish you all the best in this story. I hope you continue it! I want to see what you will make of Sirius, James and Remus as well!

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Review #3, by princesslily_36 Always

14th October 2015:
Hey there! This is PrincessLily32 from the forums. Here's the review,

1. Lasting Impression

It definately makes me want to move over to the next chapter to see what you've got. The flow is really good, some sentences are choppy, but that's natural for amateurs like us. There are A couple of pointers I would like to give - try using more adjectives so that we get a better feel of the characters. I've only recently stumbled on to that trick myself (like a month ago). None of the stories on my profile have sublimity. Your's had quite a bit of undercurrent, or as undercurrent as two 11yrs old can be, and I really enjoyed that. The chapter pretty much summed up the Lily Snape relationship.

2. Language and Grammar

When snape describes slytherin, you used the words 'cunning and sly'. These words have a negative connotation to it, and Snape was proud of aspiring to be in Slytherin. Maybe you could use Ambitious, and Clever or Smart (because in DH Snape is seen telling a 11 year old James 'if you'd rather be brawny than brainy')

"Ill always be your friend? A question mark at the end doesn't seem to fit. I know its a little too nit-picky, but small errors escape even the best of writers.

3. Prose and Dialogues

The paragraph where you wrote about how she was used to being liked, I feel it could be worded better. It makes her seem too mary-sueish, and all canon information seems to point to her apprehension about fitting in.

4. Characterization

Lily: I like how you brought out Lily's insecurities about a whole new world, and her curiosity. It makes her seem very canon. Try not to enter into a mary-sue area, give her some flaws and faults, she seems to be in the danger of being too perfect. Apart from a potential warning there's nothing wrong I can find with your Lily. Good job there!


First off, I like how you have portrayed the inner struggle of a not-so-innocent 11 year old clearly besotted with Lily, yet torn by the ideals that he believes in. And his eagerness to Tell Lily all about the world he comes from. I'm liking this Severes.

"I just dont know if it accepts mudbl- muggleborns" I somehow find it difficult that the word mudblood would be automatic when Snape thinks of Lily, especially when they're 11. I know he used it in OotP, but Lily did say she called everyone of her parentage a mudblood except her.

5. Facts and Fiction

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't they all receive the letter on their birthday? Which means Snape and Lily would get it on different days, and Lily would not have reason to be anxious until her birthday has passed. Just my two pence.

Sorry if I've been too critical in my review. It's a really good piece of work and you should definitely continue.

Author's Response: I know I've already said this twice, but thank you for the lovely reviews! They've been a great help and I've already gone in and made small edits to the chapter in hope that I can take your advice and improve upon my writing.

I used cunning and sly as that seems to be the official attributes given to Slytherin house, but I think I'll add in more things about ambition and brains so that the reader can really see how Sev feels about the house. That question mark was a complete typo (I still don't know how I missed it?) so I've gone in and removed it. Thanks for pointing it out!

I think Lily's apprehension about fitting in has to do with the fact that she's well liked and comfortable within the muggle world and the wizarding world is a stark opposite, if that makes sense? I suppose she may seem a little like a Mary Sue in this chapter, but I hope more of her flaws will become apparent as I continue to write! As for the mudblood moment, I've decided to remove it. The more I think about it, the more I think 11 year old Snape would have disdain for muggles, not muggleborns. I hope that will end up working out better!

Ahh, the Hogwarts letters. I've always interpreted it as they all get sent out in the summer, as Harry's came a few weeks before his birthday and Ginny's came at the same time as everyone else's in COS. I've done some research into it and it looks like when your Hogwarts letter comes is up to interpretation, whether it's on your birthday or it's the summer that you're 11. I hope our differing opinions on that didn't detract from the story too much!

You were not too critical at all! Your advice will really help me to paint an even better picture of this relationship so I'm quite glad for what you've given me to work with :) Thank you so much.

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Review #4, by LivingFairytale Always

25th August 2015:
Hi! It's LivingFairytale from the forum with your requested review. I'm excited to read some Snily, so let's get started.

First impression:
Okay, I must admit: I'm a little bit prejudiced, since I love Lily/Snape (and James) so much, but I absolutely loved reading this first chapter. My favourite part was the kiss (obviously). The part where Lily explains about the kiss was really funny as well! And of course, the last sentence.. touching.

You asked for a look at the characterization, as you haven't written Snape before. I honestly think you are doing a good job on writing both Lily and Snape. Especially Snape was spot on. The thing I like most about Snape, is that he sounds very calm, nice and innocent: very childlike! You have captured the character's personalities very well.

One thing I spotted, was this sentence: I'll always be your friend? The question mark doesn't seem to fit the sentence, as he's not asking but stating it, I suppose. You should give a look at this sentence.

The story has a good flow and the balance between the dialogue and the description is quite good as well. Even though the chapter was quite short, it didn't bother me at all. I actually can't find anything negative to say!

Overall, you are doing a great job! Feel free to re-request (because I'd love to read & review more!). Keep up the great work!

x LivingFairytale

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thank you for pointing out that typo! It's hard to believe that, even after a read through, I can still miss things like that...

Your words about characterization and everything are very encouraging so thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed this :)

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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 Always

19th August 2015:

I am finally here with your review! :)

This was great! I loved the way that you portrayed Snape especially when it came down to describing the houses and his feelings for Lily! I am not one to ship Snape/Lily, but this was really a nice change of pace!

I don't see anything that I would change or add to. I think you did a great job of making this Chapter stand on its own two feet really well.

The only thing I did notice was this...

"He opened his mouth to ask what she was thinking when, suddenly, she leaned in close to Severus and give him a small kiss on the cheek."

-give should be gave.

I did notice another one, but when I went back to copy it, I couldn't find it but I know it is in there somewhere!

Overall, I truly enjoyed this and thought you did a great job with characterizing both Lily and Snape. Especially being the only time you've ever written Snape is impressive!

Keep up the great work!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind review! I'll go back and try and fix that typo - I can't believe I missed something as simple as that! I'm glad you enjoyed my take on Severus and their pre-Hogwarts relationship :)

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Review #6, by girly1393 Your Friend

25th March 2011:
I liked how you approached this, with Peter feeling lonely and Lily upset. It seemed so natural.

I do agree--Lily would've been kind to Peter.

I can't wait to read the rest.

Bravo to you.

Author's Response: Thanks so very much! :)

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Review #7, by girly1393 Always

25th March 2011:
It was sweet. Ever since book seven, the idea of Lily/Snape has taken this weird hold on me, although I couldn't write it because I'm too much in love with James/Lily. I think you did this well--having it be short kept it simple and charming.

Bravo to you.

Author's Response: Yeah I agree. I prefer James/Lily, but Lily/Snape has always fascinated me. I'm glad you liked!

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Review #8, by hallie Always

23rd December 2010:
wow!! i almost wish this happened!! keep it up!!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)

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Review #9, by iheartzuko Your Friend

27th November 2010:
Yeah, I always though Lily would be close with Peter, Remus and even Sirius. Is she going to be called "my Lily" in every chapter? That's cute (:

Author's Response: Yes, I'm going to have someone say 'My Lily' in each chapter. I'm glad tht you liked this! :)

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Review #10, by iheartzuko Always

27th November 2010:
I kind if don't like Snape+Lily, but I think this is cute. I feel bad for Snape though ):

Author's Response: Thanks for the reiew! I agree, I do feel bad for Snape.

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Review #11, by MauradersFreak Your Friend

9th November 2010:
I really love your look on Lily and Snape! I like the idea of her and Pettigrew being friends too, i love all of it, you're an awesome writer!

Author's Response: Aw, thank you. :) I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

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Review #12, by Prongs and Lils Your Friend

5th November 2010:
I like your perspective on this chapter...I've never thought about a friendship between Lily and Peter lol i like it tho keep it up :D

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked this.

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Review #13, by Prongs and Lils Always

5th November 2010:
awww!!! how sweet!! i love it :D

Author's Response: Thanks! :)

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Review #14, by GinnyWeasley_13 Your Friend

4th November 2010:
Another fantastic chapter! I'd personally never thought about Lily and Peter being friends, but your story made me take that seriouswly into account. Update soon please?

Author's Response: Thanks for the reviews! :) I'm thinking about the next chapter, though I don't know when it will be up. The next chapter will be about Frank Longbottom, though! ;)

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Review #15, by GinnyWeasley_13 Always

4th November 2010:
You wrote this very well. You really captured the fact that they're children in this. Looking through Snape's eyes was what made the story unique. This really is a brilliant story, and I really hope you update soon :)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked it! Thanks. ;)

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Review #16, by Sirius Blacks lover Your Friend

3rd November 2010:
So sweet! I really loved this; it was such a flawless little piece and all the portrayals were really bang on. I can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review!

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Review #17, by Sirius Blacks lover Always

3rd November 2010:
Awww, so cute! It really painted a picture of the young Lily and Snape in my mind, and you made the ship into something more than a "ship" really, which I thought was great:)

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked the way I wrote this! Thanks. ;)

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Review #18, by armadillo Your Friend

2nd November 2010:
You know, I knew Peter had to be a good guy on some level, but I've always kind of hated him, with what he does later and all, but somehow you seem to have made him kind of likeable.
Congratulations =)
(But I will always hold a grudge.grrr haha)
Lovely story.

Author's Response: I agree, I will always hate Peter for what he did to Lily and James, but their must have been reasons for it, and I don't think he was evil his whoel life! ;) Thanks for the review.

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Review #19, by long_live_luna_bellatrix Always

3rd October 2010:
I am a Lily/Snape fan! Their relationship, whether it's as friends or something more, has so much background and meaning and is on a whole different level from Lily and James. Moments like this from Lily and Snape's childhood are really important, and you showed their innocence and trust nicely here.

One thing you could work on in this chapter is a teacher's favorite phrase, show not tell. A few times it felt as though you were blaring Lily's thoughts in our faces when you could have shown us her thoughts instead of telling us point blank what they were. Like here, for instance: "Lily sighed, imagining all of the brightly coloured shops selling wands, broomsticks, potions and books full of spells that would do things beyond her wildest dreams. She just couldn't wait to get her Hogwarts letter so she could finally enter the world of magic." That felt kind of obvious, and a little awkward the way you inserted it into the story. You could have said something along the lines of, "Broomsticks and magical potions floated across Lily's vision, and she sighed wistfully, her impatience creeping forward." That sentence would do the same thing as your's, but in a subtler way. Working on that would improve this chapter's flow and make it more engaging to the reader.

That was the only thing I saw that really needed improvement, however. Your dialogue was natural between the two kids, and I could see the bond they shared that had grown, as we know, in a relatively short period of time. Lily's promise kiss was cute, and added that extra touch of originality to the story. This was a good first chapter, and an enjoyable read.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I agree that this chapter needs to be touched up. I've recently gone into 'I need to edit up some of this stuff!' mode, which is strange since I'm not really that into editing.

Anyways, I'm glad that you liked it. I agree wiht what you said abotu their relationship being on a different level. Thanks for the input! :)

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Review #20, by VeniceLily Always

29th August 2010:
Hello :) You came and requested a review for this, and I just couldn't resist, even though I really should get to sleep!

The first thing I noticed, was a typo in the very first line. It should be "severus sitting alonE" :). There are a couple elsewhere as well,..."in the trees", rather than AT, and "to lay" rather than the. You want to be most careful with your spelling and grammar at the beginning, because otherwise, it will distract the reader from the get-go.

This is a really cute little piece - I enjoyed it. I find it a little difficult to picture, because it seems they are so young, but I suppose it is quite realistic. This kiss is cute - I was all set to say "no way, she would not have kissed him at eleven", but when you went on to explain about how she saw her parents do it, it made sense, and made it innocent, so it worked.

It is really short, as you said, so I think in general, it could be improvved by adding more details - a bit more description between all the dialogue, a bit more set up for the scene, a bit more closing before the last line (which is beautiful, by the way!)

Overall, I really enjoyed reading it. It's a nice little peek into their childhood relationship. I adored the part where Severus said they'd always be friends :)

I might pop back to read the other seven stories, this is interesting :)


Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :) I'll have to go back and fix those typos, and see where I can add more description. I'm glad you enjoyed the last line. :)

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Review #21, by katebabelovesharrypotter Always

14th August 2010:
I LOVED this! I'm totally tearing up at how sweet it is! Awesome!

Author's Response: Thanks. :)

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Review #22, by intrepidsnark Always

14th August 2010:
I liked this very, very much. I personally like Lily/Snape when done well (like this is). I'm a bit soft-hearted, so I feel for Snape. Though I do like Lily/James. Anyhow, enough of my rambling. More, please?

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I completly agree with what you said about Lily/Snape and Lily/James. ;)

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