Reading this chapter and listening to the Glee version of Songbird (you like Glee?) nearly made me cry. well done Report Review
nice story good moralsAuthor's Response: thank you, i'm glad you think so. Report Review
Wait, scratch my question about Bill in the last review :/
Well, I throughly enjoyed this story. It was nice to read a romance story about an 'unusual' pairing.
The flow and plot throughout the story was consistent and never lacking. I loved your Dom in the story - she was original and NOT an airhead :)
All in all, brilliant story and congratulations with finishing a story (which is something I can never seem to do)
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: Thank you so much! I appreciate it. It isn't over yet, but I did finish it (and am putting up the chapters, slowly). Report Review
Back again! Sorry for taking so long with this chapter (again)
The flow of the story is coming along nicely. I think it is going at a good pace; not too fast and not too slow. I like it how you have the whole conversation with Dom and her family, in some stories they tend to skip over the dialogue with their family so they can get to the romance.
The plot has been developed really nice. You haven't left any plot holes, which is good. Your writing doesn't seem rushed, which (for me at least) keeps the plot going.
Just one thing, where is Bill?
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: I appreciate that! I tried to make it more of a story about the sisters than about the romance; glad that isn't a bad thing!
Thanks. :) Report Review
Once again, beautiful chapter. One thing, does Dom swear in French? I mean, I get she is half-french but it just confused me. Did she spend some time in France as a child?
I think you had Fleur down to a tee as a mother. I never imagined her as overly-motherly like Mrs. Weasley but she would still be a great mother :)
He left her! I can't believe he just left her! Grrr, things had better get better!!
Next chapter here I come!
*jaz, 10/10Author's Response: I'm sorry about the late response, I've been really busy. ):
Thank you so much! In my head, yeah, it's in French, I'm sorry. I just kind of hear it as something her mother would say, and she srt of picked it up. If that makes sense.
Thank you! Report Review
Angst! Angst! Sibling Rivalry and some more angst!
This chapter was good as well. I think the dialogue between Victorie and Dominique was brilliant! You wrote it superbly. As I was reading it, I could almost taste the bitterness coming from Victorie.
I loved Dominique's thoughts throughout this chapter, they defined her character even more. It showed that even though she loved Teddy she would still choose her family over him; which is a honourable trait but you don't see often enough in romance stories.
Feel free to re-request :) Good luck with the rest of your story
*Jaz, 10/10Author's Response: Oh, thank you! I'm glad you seemed to like it; I like my Victoire, and I was worried about her. And I'm glad you got that - I'm fond of my Dom, as well. xD
Thank you so much! I will re-request, for sure. Report Review
awww, this is so cute!! She has the romance that I have always wanted.
The plot is progressing. I like the prediction that Dominique gives at the end of the chapters, it adds suspense and mystery to the perfect scenes :)
Once again, the flow is perfect - not too fast and not too slow. I think I have to tell you that I may *cough* steal *cough* Dominique from you, she is amazing :)
*Jaz, 10/10Author's Response: I know, right? Me, too. Sigh. Living vicariously through fanfiction... ;D
Thank you so much! Ahh, your compliments mean the world to me. xD
Eee, I'm so glad you like Dominique. I love her so much. XD Report Review
Here with your review :)
First off, I have never read a Dom/Teddy story before but I think you did a really good job :) So far, the plot is very good, although I can't give any advice because it is only the first chapter :)
The flow is good. You didn't make the process slow and boring like some people do with summer romances, but you also didn't make it go really fast.
I love your Dominique :) She is very unique and all-her-herself. I can't wait to see what happens next :)
PS: did I mention that I love Summer Romance stories? LolAuthor's Response: Thank you! It's not really the average pairing, but I quite like it. I've become fond, thanks to the story. :)
Thank you so much! :D I'm really happy you think the pacing was good. :)
Ee, thanks! I do, too, haha. :) Report Review
I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Teddy/Dom, so it's good to see a chaptered fic for them on the archives!
For some reason, I've never really liked Victoire much, but I'm really interested to hear her side of this story. What does she think about Teddy after having had something with him for so long? Most, if not all, of Teddy's feelings in this chapter seem to come purely from Dominiques perception of them, which I thought was a really nice technique to use, especially when dealing with a love triangle. It makes it really easy to empathize with the character you're with at that moment and try and see things from their side, whether or not you agree.
Your description was really pretty and I thought it flowed really well! Great job!
AnnieAuthor's Response: Oh, I'm glad you like it! I really like the idea of Teddy/Dominique, myself.. ^_^
I like Victoire, myself, but in this one I wanted to focus more on Dom's side of the story; I know that there are two sides but hers was the one I was more interested in.
Thank you so, so much! :D
-Jasmine Report Review
French brain sticking in here (I'm not fluent, but this is what I've learned. I could be wrong) D'accord is acceptable for of course, but it more means okay. "Bien sur" would be the more traditonal way of saying that. Just wanted to let you know.
Once again, you've gotten it. I don't have much to say that I haven't already, si just fix the beginning and the other minor details and you'll have a great story. Good luck with the rest of this!Author's Response: Ah, all right! I asked my friend who takes French (as I'm a lowly first year) and she said that, but I'll trust you. (:
Your reviews have been fantastic and you're a wonderful person and I love you for them. All right.
Thank you so, so, so much.
-Jasmine Report Review
First off, odd thing that happened halfway through the chapter.
"She stared at me, not blinking. “How dare you?” she snapped. “You think that you’re his first ‘love’, just because he’s yours? Listen, sweetie, he’s been around. He’s had more girls than you can count on your pretty little fingers. He’ll love you and dump you, like he did with me, and he’ll never look back.”
“Like he did with you?” My voice was sugary sweet, and I smiled. “I know how to play this, Victoire. I’ve grown up with Teddy had loved you, and not just wanted you for your body!”
First of all, this part was repeated. You had the exact same thing there twice. Second of all, the last sentence makes no sense to me. I'm not sure what you were trying to say there, but I didn't get it.
You have it down here. You have a great plot, great characterization and details. Just go back and add some of this to your first two chapters and you'll be good. You've improved so much, so I know you can put the same quality of work into the first couple chappies.
P.S. When I press preview, that entire part I pasted in from your story gets all messed up, and I don't know why, so if it's like that, sorry and ignore it please :)Author's Response: Oooh. *blushing* Jasmine should learn how to edit... Whoops! I'm pretty sure there was something between words that got deleted and not fixed. Le sigh. This is why I should do more read-throughs...
I will definitely do that! Your reviews are so freakin' helpful, you don't even know. Thank you, a million times over. Report Review
Yes! This is exactly what I wanted! An actual scene between the two of them, and elaboration on it. You hit it spot on this time. I think I finally figured out exactly what I was trying to tell you in the last reviews, too. Your story seems a bit like a shell right now (up until this point) and if you just fill it out a bit, like you did this chapter, you'll be great. The one small, minor problem I had with this chapter was the last thing Dom says. The "I guess, uh, we’ll have to work this out at a later time, because I don’t think—I can’t do this right now, all right?” It was akwardly worded, and it ruined the effect you had from everything else. I would suggest something like, "Let's just talk about this later. I can't- I can't do this right now." You've improved drastically in this!Author's Response: Thank you so much!
You know, it's funny, because you said that I improved a lot - I wrote the preceding chapters in one go, forgot about it for two weeks, and wrote the rest in a weekend. So I'm glad that showed, I suppose? Ha.
Thanks for that! I'll fix it, you're right, it does sound awkward.
-Jasmine Report Review
First off, everything that I said I loved about your story in the last chapter stands. I won't repeat it every review, but know what I love it still. I don't want you to feel that I'm just critiszing, because I love most of it, but it's much easier to point out the one or two things I don't like than to list the five hundred I do :)
In your first section, you said that Vic was mad. But what I would love to see is the actual scene where this happened. Have Vic come into the room, and give me some dialogue between her and Dom. I think that'll really help your story and give it some extra power, instead of you just telling me that she was mad. It's easier to envoke emotion if you give me the scene instead of a summary of it.
Your Teddy/Dom romance scene seemed a little out of place. Like I didn't understand why it was there. I love a fluffy romantic scene, but in needs to tie in to your overall plot, and I'm not sure if I really saw that. But I don't know enough about your plot yet to really decided if it had a connection or not, so if I see one later on, I'll tell you.
Just a couple things to work on, other than that, it was great.Author's Response: Oh, don't worry about criticizing - I was hoping for that!
Well, I'm not sure how to respond to the first thing because you said in the next review that it was what you meant? I'll definitely work on my showing instead of telling, though. (:
Thank you, again, so much! Ah. I'm loving all of this - I finally know what to work on.
-Jasmine Report Review
Hi! Naida here with your requested review! First off, let me just say that I'm sooo sorry for taking so long! RL in the way.
Plot. A Teddy/Dominique is certainly an interesting pairing. You mentioned some sisterly conflict, which I think will be interesting to see play out, and my only advice for that would be to make sure it doesn't get too dramatic. I think you have an interesting idea here.
I did get a little confused. Why did Dom not recognize him at first? The relationship seemed too quick for me. It was like, I just met your characters and all of a sudden they're kissing? And then you bring on the whole time passing thing and you've just lost me. I don't know if this chapter is meant to be an introduction, and then you'll take me back in time in the next one to explain everything more thoroghly, but if it's not, you need to add some explanation. If it is, take some of the specificity out, and stick with the kind of voice you have in your last section. Once I see what you're developing this into, I'll give you some more advice for your first chapter. By no means is it awful or horrible, it definitely has great potential, but it could use some work.
Now that I have the messy critique part out of the way, I get to shower you in compliments! I think the way you write is gorgeous. You have a great sense of how to put words together and how to paint an image in my mind. Your spelling/grammar was also superb, so it either comes naturally (jealous) or you have a talent for proofreading (still jealous).
Overall, I think this first chapter shows a lot of potential! I know you asked for characterization, but it's hard to comment on that in the first chapter, so I'll talk about that later on.Author's Response: Oh, wow! Don't apologize, I'm really pleased you've taken the time to review!
I completely understand what you're saying. I'll definitely look through and see what I can fix, thank you so much for pointing that out. (:
AH YOU ARE THE SWEETEST PERSON. Thank you so much! I do try really hard on the spelling and grammar, and I'm glad you saw no mistakes. (:
-Jasmine Report Review
Aw, I really like this story so far. I really like the way you write and how you've written the characters so far. Update soon, please! xoxoAuthor's Response: Thank you! That means so much, ha. (:
It should be up soon, it's already written.
Thanks for the review!
-Jasmine Report Review
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