Soo good! Really like it! Good idea... Report Review
That nearly made me cry.
Really well written! Report Review
Hi xxpetrapan! It's me notreallyblonde44 (duh) here to do some reviews for your prize :)
The beginning (first paragraph) was so adorable! I really got a picture of Poppy and Bill's innocent and endearing best friendship with her. I think Dakota Fanning would certainly play a role like this haha. Overall, this was a really sweet one-shot. I found the ending to be slightly predictable, I'm not going to lie, but still sad. I think I would draw out the scene in the hospital a bit more. I feel like that scene would be ingrained in Bill's mind forever so it should have more detail.
Two big things that I'm having trouble understanding:
1. Poppy being allowed to know magic and magic stuff. It's against the law and I don't think even the Weasleys would be trying to break it.
2. The POV. For the whole one-shot, up until the very end, I thought Bill was speaking as maybe an 11 year old. But it seemed that he was already married to Fleur, etc, etc. So I think some of the language fit for a younger Bill and not an older Bill. as in, it could be elevated more and invoke a post-war Bill personality...unless you want to keep the piece naive and childlike.
Also, here are some minor mistakes I noticed:
'She always told me she wished her moved too.' -hers
'One day when we eight, we were watching my cousin Alfie flying and she really wanted to try.' -fly, not flying
"She smiled at me and grabbed me hand." -my
"kissed her and looked up, She was smiling from the kiss and she looked at me and whispered," -she shouldn't be capitalized.
In the end, this one-shot was short, sweet and sad. You were very detailed about the house and the differences between the muggle and the magical, which showed that you thought carefully about what you put in this one-shot. Good job! I really love this line: "Poppy with her handmade frocks, mismatched socks, and scruffy shoes."
nrbAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review, I even cried when I wrote it! I will fix the mistakes and change the tone of the piece, make the ending better and more sad and work on the Poppy seeing magic stuff, that whole thing was because they were best friends and they were six so Bill did not know the rules and the Weasley's let it happen because Bill and Poppy were great friends and they knew she had cancer.
Thanks fo the review Report Review
OMG...i am crying(i dont know why i like reading sad stories so much)your story is the best short story i have ever readAuthor's Response: Aww..Thank You so much! I loved writing it =) Report Review
That was a beautiful story. It made me cryAuthor's Response: Awww! I cried to while writing it Report Review
i think this is a very touching story, however. it felt as though you made the plotline move too quickly. i think that if you had slowed it down a bit it would have been so much better. Your sentences were a bit rushed and short but over all i think it was sweet. i would have loved to had more detail in the memories bill has of Poppy but i also like that you left more up to the imagination. 7 out of 10Author's Response: Thank You! i know I rush...I need to learn how to take more time...I will work on that and revise all the stories! Report Review
That was so sweet and a bit sad as well. I liked your idea here. It had a nice carefree quality. I suggest using contractions like you're instaed of you are, it helps stories flow better, I think. Nice job. :) Report Review
Poor Bill. Such a young cutie to experience such loss and sadness. I love the way they met, I love to roll down hill as well. J.K leaves a lot to the imagination as to what the Weasley's childhood was like, and I think this is a good little excerpt that could have even happened. The ending was very sweet as well, with him still going to her grave. I suggest working out the spacing a little, make it a little easier to read. The second to last line I have to say is my favourite.
Great story, very cute.
Hugs, HPBAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review and suggestions i will work on it thanks =) Report Review
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