So I came upon this story cause I love me some Louis/OC and this didn't disappoint.Sooo sad though.Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing!
I'm glad that you enjoyed it. ^_^ --Jenna Report Review
This is IT. It is perfect. I love you for writing this okay. It's amazing. I read it like once a week or something I love it so much. I made my best friend read it, and every time we hear that song we both burst into tears and hit each other. It's insane how much I love this piece.
Louis Weasley is probably my favorite Next-Gen, and your portrayal of him was spot on, 1000% PERFECT. And I see Louis as gay - no way is he straight! - and Benji was also perfect for who I can see Louis being with. All of your characters are so believable, from Al wanting to protect Louis to Fleur wanting to extend his life for as long as possible. I loved it, I can't say that enough.
"I love you Louis", Dom's line, that killed me. I think I died. xD It was unbelievable, ok.
Tell your friend Siriius that I've been waiting for an update, please. :3
2943257097350738/10 agh it was brilliant.Author's Response: Sorry for taking so long to reply.
I'm a little teary eyed right now tbh. You're beyond kind. Totally made my day!
Unfortunately, he doesn't write anymore ;__; It's horrible. I miss the updates too. --Jenna Report Review
Oh my goodness. You are just so amazing and wonderful in the way you tell stories. I almost burst in to tears. You have great descriptive language, awesome characters, just wow.Author's Response: Thank you so much! ^_^ --Jenna Report Review
Oh. My. Merlin. This is one of the most beautiful, heart-wrenching, amazing stories I have ever read. I loved it, but I hated it at the same time. Any author who can do that to me, make me love it immensely and hate the depression, make me sob for almost ten minutes straight, is an incredible author. Brilliant job. Brilliant. I rate this 11 out of 10.
Xx ~ HazzasKittiesAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. ^_^
I really don't know what to say other than thank you. One of the best compliments I've ever had. Just made my day for sure. Thank you!! --Jenna Report Review
This is the second time I've read this story. I love it. It makes me teary. Poor benji. Poor louis. 10/10 you write so well : )Author's Response: Well thank you. ^_^ --Jenna Report Review
I am crying as i right this. Beautiful 10/10 : )Author's Response: Thank you. :') --Jenna Report Review
I knew from the very beginning that Louis wouldn't make it to the end of the story. At first I thought it would be something else, suicide? I don't know. I thought cancer too but I still wasn't sure. I have to say this word count kind of intimidated me but once the two met I was hooked. This was beautiful. You really took me on this journey with this relationship and I'm so sad to see that it had to end and there was nothing that could be done to save Louis. I thought the letter was so powerful. That really moved me. I didn't cry because I knew what was coming but it still effected me. Wonderful job.Author's Response: Well first off, thank you for reading. I know the word count is high, I think it puts off a lot of people, so I'm glad you looked past it and gave the story a chance. ^_^
And thank you for your lovely words. :) --Jenna Report Review
GOD, YOU MADE ME CRY. And although I already told you that, I know it's nice to get reviews, so here's mine ;D You know I love Benjamin and Louis together, but its so sad Louis dies :( He shouldn't die, Jenna, he should live and marry Benjamin, tell him he loves him so Benji could've said it back, have kids (eventhough that's physically impossible), adopt them then, and just have a happily ever after.
Kudos Jenni (: xxAsh Author's Response: Jenni? *looks around* I sees no Jenni here. :P
Thank you ASHY. Or Ashi. Yeah..you're Ashi now. I will forever call you Ashi. *evil laugh*
And if you're too sad, just go find them on the board and Louis is very alive. Lol. And about to get married! Report Review
This one shot is absolubtley beautiful.
I cried so much reading the last bit. You have done so well with this and connected so well with the audience.
Well Done :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. It means a lot that you felt the story and thank you for taking time to review. :) --Jenna Report Review
Oh, my, Goodness... I don't cry very often, but you got me even a stage further, in my uncontrollable sob-mode...
This was so... you could feel it coming from the beginning and still I was shocked like hell when I reached the end. The way you explained their relationship was beautiful, you totally forget everything from the beginning and I got that feeling of: it's going to be all fine until they are very old, but than that end arrives and you just get smacked back to the beginning and that not everything can end happily.
I'm such an Angst and sad ending fan that this was just... the top of the top I think. Especially in the slash section!
Trick or treat,
xOSBAuthor's Response: :'( *hands hankie*
I'll admit, this is the hardest thing I've ever written. I think it's because I'm so close to these characters.
Angsty slash is my passion. No doubt. :)
Thank you so so so much for the wonderful review!! --Jenna Report Review
This one-shot always interested me and I could never figure out why I would ignore it thinking "I'll read it tomorrow." I think it was seeing "Louis" and "angst" on the same story, I was like "nothing bad can happen to Louis. Not now, not ever!"
But I did it. I read it today. And I'm writing this review while trying to hold back tears.
It was so beautifully written. But so sad. I just wanna cry. However sad, though, this is an amazing one-shot.
Sam.Author's Response: Louis and Angst ARE a hard combination to take in. Especially since you know how upbeat and goofy I like to write Louis :P
Thank you so much! Your reviews are always so sweet and very much appreciated. ^.^
*hands tissue* --Jenna Report Review
This was such a beautiful piece, very well written and so emotional. I was near tears at the end. You knew the sad ending was coming, you knew something was wrong with Louis, but you didn't know what.
The characterizations were very well handled- they seemed so real. There isn't anything I would suggest to improve this story. The romance progressed naturally and the sickness was handled well- it didn't come out of the blue like it could have.
All in all, this was a great story, one that I would happily read again and again.Author's Response: Thank you so much. :') This story was probably the most emotionally trying thing I've ever even tried to write, so it means so much to me that other people find it emotional.
Thank you for your lovely review. ^.^ --Jenna Report Review
This was a fantastic piece. Really, amazing. In such a short time, you got me attached to Luis and Benjamin. It was so sad, oh my gosh, but brilliant.Author's Response: Thank you so much. ^.^ --Jenna Report Review
this is the first slash fic and I love it...thought it'll be my first and last slash fic..perhaps.its really sweet! it made me cry! xDAuthor's Response: Aww well thank you and sorry. ^.^
I hope you don't give up on them. :) --Jenna Report Review
I am awful about the fact that I hardly ever review stories. But this story actually moved me to tears. Even though I could tell it was coming the whole story, I wanted it to be different. Of course I am glad it wasn't. I loved how you developed the romance between them. This is the best story I have read in a really long time.Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much.
I really appreciate you taking the time to review and so happy that you were moved by this. Thank you. --Jenna Report Review
this is one of the best stories on this site i have ever read i found it very moving it was wonderfulAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I'm flattered. :D --Jenna Report Review
Aaawh, it's so sweet! :D I love it. It's really sad though :( but still awesome! 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. :D --Jenna Report Review
I love this! This piece was breathtaking and very emotional.
Wonderful job. Keep up the amazing work.
MariaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. :D
I'm glad that you enjoyed it and thanks for reviewing! --Jenna Report Review
Jenna! I finally got around to reading this and... well...
. . .I loved it, of course! Aha, I had you going there, right? No, but, let's be Siriius, this was a lovely story. I like being able to witness the entire duration of a relationship--from where it begins, and blossoms, unbeknownst to its victims, into the climax, that moment and realization of love/feelings (and to the end, in some fics). And that's what you have here; a relationship that grows.
Okay, there was some weird point in the beginning of the chapter that told me he (Louis, of course) was going to die. Lemme find it. *finds* here it is. Louis says "If I fall, I fall. No point living in a bubble." I guess it was his lack of fear from falling from God-knows-what floor to certain mangled and likely bloody death that really spoke with me. Then I knew, he was going to die... it was just figuring out how... I never guessed tumor though, you sneak. ;)
THERE'S my caplocks going off again--as I was saying, there's an almost, how do I describe it, timeless, ageless feel about this. It's as though anyone of any age or in any time can read this and it have the same effect (anyone okay with slash, anyway.)
It sort of reminds me of that movie where Mandy Moore's character has leukemia and want tell the guy she's falling for for fear that he is falling for her too.. but this is better; partly because it's slash, partly because it's HP based and partly because I can't stand Mandy Moore. There, I said it, once again. There I go, saying things.
I was THRILLED to see the impeccable grammar. No strange verbs jumping tenses, commas, quotations, question marks in the right places. It seems so hard to find quality writing such as this nowadays. I blame the school systems, partly.
You used French! Sticking to the Delacour origions more than the words "bonjour," "merci," and "maman" is regarded with highest prestige in my book. There is however something really weird with your French line: "Vous etes le rendre malheu-" I'm guessing you mean something like "You're making/rendering him unhappy/uncomfortable." What you have written here doesn't make any sense whatsoever. If Dominique was talking to Louis OR Fleur, she should say either
"Tu vas le rendre malheu-" (You're going to make him un-) or
"Tu le rends malheu-" (You are making him un-)
However, if she was talking to BOTH Louis AND Fleur, it should read either:
"Vous allez le rendre malheu-" (You both are going to.)
"Vous le rendez malheu-" (You're both making...)
In any case, I've written enough. Great story. Btw, its totally smfah that Benji is a writer, is that your doing or Siriius'? I keep talking. Bye 10/10. Need I say that?
--AxjionAuthor's Response: Aww, thank you so much for coming by!! :D
I blush, you're so kind! Yeah, I wanted to give Louis that "Let it be" kinda quality. He knew it was coming, so he wasn't going to live like a trapped rabbit. On the other hand, I had to make sure he wasn't too "dramatically daring" because it isn't like he wanted to go early. So no over risky stuff. :D
Again, I blush! I've seen that movie. :D It was...alright, but yeah, I get the likeness. I hope it wasn't too much >.> lol
Ah, the French. Yeah, she was saying "You're making him miserable." to her mother. Thus the formal, plus she was angry, so again, the formal. They are all technically correct, but given Dominique's "I only speak French when needed" personality, it is more likely for her to say it that way. Plus, I asked a French fellow, he said they are all right. :D
Yeah, I tend to Not actually use Maman with them, because they wouldn't grow up hearing that. They would hear "Mum" through all the cousin's and such. I'm actually not so fond of the random French stuff. Domi only went to it here because she wanted to continue her fight without Benji understanding. Fail for her, but LOL.
Benji as a writer was my doing. Originally when I wrote this, he was writing the song, then I had to edit it according to HPFF rules. Benjamin is in a story called "Son of a Black". One of those AU types/Sirius isn't in jail/Harry light kinda fics. :D But mainly I know him through our Role-Play antics, which is where these two came together in the whole Firework situation. :D *points at self* Plays Louis. :D
Anyways, thank you so much!! :D --Jenna Report Review
Wow!!! Your writing is amazing! It really pulled me into the story, and I felt like I was observing everything. 10/10Author's Response: *blushes* Thank you so much. :D --Jenna Report Review
Hello Jenna822! A million apologies for my taking SO unbelievably long, but I hope this review makes up for it! Thank you for your patience!
So, the very first thing I notice is your first sentence, in which you say 'drug' and I immediately thought it sounded awkward. I think you should replace it with 'dragged'. It just doesn't sit right as 'drug' in my opinion, but that's totally your call. It just concerns me because it's the very first sentence and if this were a story I'd simply stumbled upon rather than was requested to read I probably would have turned away right then and there, and I don't want people to feel that way because as a whole I really Loved this piece!
I really love the way you describe their growing affections towards one another. The bumping knees, the grazing hands, and how they don't quite know when it became a natural reoccurring thing between them. It's very sweet and innocent but it also helps build that growing tension beautifully, with ease and grace. Really well done.
I really like the 'I want a different memory' line. It's a very clever way to push their relationship along without sounding corny, cliche, abrupt or forced. And it immediately puts me on alert that something's going to happen which gets me excited to continue reading! So yay!
I think you're extremely gifted at creating clear visuals in your readers head. Your words and phrasing paint pictures without any struggle. I can see every lovely moment happening in my head as I read. So many authors end up confusing me with their descriptions, especially with scenes similar to your apartment bedroom scene, but yours are articulated so well that I don't have to think about what you're trying to say, I can simply visualize it and enjoy! That's a very great skill to have! I'm jealous!
"He would joke that he preferred to spend his time with his fireworks, they didn't follow him around when he was done with them. Benjamin always frowned at the joke, but never spoke out against it. " - I really enjoy this line. It just seems very real of Benjamin's character. It fits in perfectly, has a great ring to it, and is relatable!
""Dang it, it was still hot," he muttered at (to, not at) himself, looking down at his hand." - I think this sentence would read smoother just with 'Dang it. . . still hot," - the double 'it' reads a bit choppily and disrupts the pleasant flow you've got to the story.
"Louis gave Benjamin a sparkling smile and took back the firework. He made an elaborate show of holding out the firework and demonstrating how to hold and fire it. He lit the fuse and when the sparks reached the firework, he tossed the thing out of the window. Mere seconds after leaving the boy's hand, the firework exploded into a shower of red and gold over the grounds." - I think you overused the word 'firework' here: it's just a little too repetitive. I would rephrase or find substitute words.
There's a couple 'your' vs. you're' mix ups and a few typos, but it's to be expected with such long chapters, but you may want to double check anyway if that sort of imperfection bothers you!
"The next few days came and went without a visit or so much as a call from Louis. Benjamin tried several times to call Louis at home, but there was never an answer. He would sit on his couch and watch his phone..." - So I have to ask: Why do they have phones? I suppose that perhaps Ben is Muggle born, so that would be fitting, but I can't honestly see the Weasley's having bought a phone and actually using it to reach people, or even know how to hook it up, especially in Bill and Fleur's home who have never shown any true interest in Muggle technologies. Just something to think about!
You wrote something about Ben working on his music at the end... I thought he was a writer? I don't remember reading about Ben and a love for music at all in the story. Did I miss something? In the beginning he's a writer but by the end he sounds more like a musician... I'm a bit confused.
So when Dominique shows up to Ben's place the first time, I feel like the story just became a big explanation pot. The beautiful story telling you had going got lost in this idea to simply explain what I'd actually already figured out from the beginning of the story, because it was obvious (to me at least) that Louis was sick and it was most likely fatal. I just would have liked more emotion rather than so much wordiness at the end. But that letter itself was very sweet and sad and had some truly heartbreaking moments.
I would have liked to see you contain Fleur's accent in her dialogue just a little. It may not be as heavy as it was in the books because I'm sure her English has improved greatly during her time with Bill and raising an English family, but it's very difficult to be completely rid of an accent you were brought up with, especially since I'm sure she continues to stay in touch with her French family. It would have just felt a little bit more accurate with an accent, I think.
As a whole I really enjoyed this - a few bumps, but nothing so horrible that it made me change my mind about liking the story! As far as turning it into a novel, I say go for it! I really think that Ben and Louis balanced each other really well and you wrote them nicely with a clear idea of who each of them were as individuals and as a duo. Plus I'd love to see some of the story told from Louis POV! I would just suggest writing in shorter chapters because I think it would give you a better chance of creating a large following! You're a great writer and if you're passionate about this story then I think it could really go places!
I hope this review has been helpful! I apologize again for my insane tardiness! Thanks for the great read! Keep writing!
xTanya :-)Author's Response: Wow, huge review and thank you so much for coming by. Don't be sorry for the wait, life gets busy. :D
Yeah, I used to be really bad at doing that. Texas thing...LOL. I've been going through and correcting my use of it, so now I know where to hit next! Thank you for that, I really wanted their affectionate turn to be subtle and slow, but at the same time, with a one shot, you can't drag it out.
Will seek out that dreaded 'it'! :D Yeah, that does sound kinda...wordy. I actually hate that myself, overuse of words. Shows how much a style changes over a period of time, since I wrote this a while before actually putting it here.
Benjamin is a Pure Blood actually, it jsut isn't really important to this peice the way it would be in further expansion of the story. He does have an apartment in a Muggle district though, so it had a phone. On the Weasley's half...I reckon, two girls in the house, bound to happen. That was actually a bit written out, with Domi on the phone during the visit and Louis mentioing it, but the story was already so long, I cut it with a few other scenes.
*blushes* So the origianl version of this, Benjamin was a song writer and was writing the song lyrics. But that isn't allowed here, so I made the edit. Guess I missed on of the mentions, I'll definitly fix that, thank you for pointing it out!!
Ah, Fleur's accent. I'm a big hater of her over dramatized accent in the books. I have a French friend and he never says Ze instead of The, but yeah...I blame it on her being in Britian for 20 years now. :D I know, personally, I can drop my Texan accent after only 6 months away. LOL
I figure if it expands, then it would be a sort of back and forth, third person telling of their story with Louis more in focus. :D
Thank you so much for all your kind words and for the point outs!! I'm gonna hit the editing bar now, smooth out that stuff. :D --Jenna Report Review
Ok, I don't read song-fics and I don't read slash.
But this was incredible. I read the summary and despite my own reservations about the content and format something told me I wanted to read this. And I am so glad I did. You created such a realistic exploration of friendship and its development into something more that I was blown away. By the end of the piece I had such a strong impression of the characters of both Benji and Louis that I felt like I'd been reading a series of chapters detailing their personalities instead of a few words.
I thought that any opposition they may have was going to come from their families so I was utterly shocked, and heartbroken when I realised Louis was dead. I was so upset reading the letter because it always gets to me when people don't find time in life to say things that need to be said. No matter how much they're implied hearing Louis saying I Love You would have been much more happier for Benji I feel. So seeing those words in the letter must have been such a bittersweet experience. On the one hand at least he has confirmation of how Louis felt, but if only he could have heard them.
This was amazingly written and the aside about Dominique was touching too and still didn't retract from the overall theme. If there are more song-fics or slash pieces out there like this one I really should force myself out from my box, I'm missing out.
10,000/10.Author's Response: Thank you so much! Honestly, that review made my day. :D You're so kind, thank you!! --Jenna Report Review
(Prize review #3)
I was very hesitant to open this story - after all, you HAD warned me about song fics... But I decided that I don't have the time to read a novel-length (because I ALWAYS have to finish reading it) and that, even if this would be too much for me, it would leave less to finish reading.
This story was touching and the letter at the end was absolutely heartbreaking - maybe even more so because two weeks ago my aunt died, also because of an inoperable tumor. And the very ending... Beautiful and giving us hope.
The creation of both Benjamin and Louis (and the other minor characters - Albus, Fleur, Dom, the kids - is very good, as in your other stories. And I've said it already, but your writing style is great.
A thing I noticed: somewhere around the middle, the story gets a bit confusing. As if you maybe took a break from writing it? I can't put my finger on it - a slight change of style, a different feel... Sorry for not being more help with it, but it broke up the flow a little.
I won't comment on the relationship, even if I did find it to be remotely believable. But only just. So no, I'm not convinced. Sorry, once again it's my personal likes and dislikes.
A 7/10 for the emotions.
AdrielneAuthor's Response: I'm so sorry to hear that. A bit of a odd liking there, I think. :(
Thanks for that. I can't take the credit on all of Benjamin, but I'm glad that you liked Louis and the others. :D
Hmm, oddly enough that's exactly what happened. I mean, it is really long, the longest single piece I've evern undergone, and I did take a break in the middle. I might have to go back through and take a look there, see where it changed a bit.
Thank you for the review. :D --Jenna Report Review
This was beautiful. It made me cry and smile at the same time. I loved how you put in the fireworks as the thing that brought them together instead of some other cliche object/incident. Thank you so much for writing this.Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'm hoping to have a full fic about these two in the works very soon, so I hope you'll check back. Again, thanks for reading and taking the time to review. :D --Jenna Report Review
First off, I'm so sorry it took me so long to come review! I was looking at colleges and it took me awhile to recover...
I really loved the beginning. It completely drew me in. I loved your portrayl of characters and the mood you created. I (unsurprisingly) fell in love with this story. The song and lyrics were just absolutely perfect for the story you tell. I really enjoyed that that you used Louis. I know he's one of your favorites and it was nice to see your take on him. Overall, I loved it and I'm glad to review! :)Author's Response: That's alright, I only put it up yesterday. :D Oh, college hunting, FUN! I hope you had fun!!
Thank you so much for that. He is my favorite in the Next-Gen, third favorite over all character and it was fun to write with him. This was actually the first time I wrote him and the first Next-Gen I wrote, even though it was posted so much later than the other. Thank you again. :D --Jenna Report Review
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