I really liked it!! Great first chapter.
10/10 Report Review
Love it!!! But is Albus goIng to fall in love with Bree??!!??!!Author's Response: Thanks so much!! Report Review
I really love this story. Albus is my favorite of the potter kids so I have a soft side for stories about him. I can't wait for the next update. :DAuthor's Response: Thank you :D I love Al Potter too ! But I think I most enjoy Rose Weasley (; Report Review
Aww, I'm loving this story, very funny and good characterisation. James is usually the quirky one and Albus the more bookish, but this change is good I think. Keep writing it!! And I was Alice in Wonderland for Halloween :) xxxAuthor's Response: aw, thank you (: And yeah, I sort of made Albus a lot like how ppl make James Potter (II) (: I see him more like this.
Alice for halloween? Love that! Report Review
What a great chapter :) I really enjoyed it! I'm still curious about this Bree/Alex dealio. Also, I'm interested in Luxe. I like your introduction of her and how you showed she can be bad (with the retort to the prof) as well as told through other characters. Great job on that. Rose definitely interests me in this story. So does Lily.
Here are some of my thoughts/faves:
She’s a life ruiner. She lives to ruin lives. Especially mine.
I say and she shakes my hand. It’s soft and has lotion on it.
-This makes it sound like Al's hand is soft and has lotion lol.
“I’m a Potter, Rosie. We’re friendly people.”
-I can see him saying this with a cocky smirk. Love it.
I had my first girl friend in Second year, and she broke up with me because I didn’t talk to her. Cheese on you, Olivia Humphrey.
-Yeah, I changed a word in there. Had to. But anyway, I loved this. He thinks it so nonchalantly.
“Not trying to sound like a chick, but, I’m just looking out for you, mate.” I chuckle because he so sounds like a chick.
-Haha I love this section and love that you used it for your summary. The only problem I had is I thought that RIGHT at the end of this line you could have done the time-pass. You can cut the sentence after, plus the mini paragraph after and have it have a much bigger impact.
“Is that letter from James?” I ask her
-HAHA! This reminds me of many things Jane does actually. Jumps to conclusions. I am shocked that he was right. I'm really curious what's in that letter. And if it's from the actual James. What if they were secretly dating and that's why Bree was named Captain? Dun dun dunnn.
I pass Joey Redbird and his group of mates that have spiky hair and fancy air guitar. I ignore Joey’s frantic waving.
-This is one of those references that isn't too far. It's hilarious. The Power Puff reference might have been a little off-putting for some people.
Sucky grades that need to get over themselves and get higher so my Mum can stop freaking out.
-Love the grades needing to getover themselves.
Great chapter. Loved it :) I can't wait to read the next one! I hope your days are fabulous and school is nice...since you wouldn't trade me and I'm at work, haha.
Great work! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Actually, were going to find out a lot about the whole Bree/Alexandra dilemma next chapter.. so all your guesses will be answered(:
I think Rose and Lily are one of my favorite characters that Al interacts with a lot... I have so much planned for the both of them and I love how close the both of them are :D
Thanks, again (: Report Review
Haha. I really like this story. I'm pretty surprised it hasn't got more reviews. Al's mind is pure awesomeness. I don't like Bree so far, she does seem like a crazy controller or something. I wonder what she was writing James for. And what's up with her and Alexandra. I dislike Luxe the most, though. She reminds of some... people I'd rather don't be reminded of.
I spotted some mistakes. You tend to put an apostrophe on want and were (wan't, we're) that isn't supposed to be there. And some other things, but nothing too bad.
Update soon!Author's Response: awh, thank you ( :
Yes, I noticed a lot of mistakes/: It was late at night, my eyes were drooping from lack of snoozing...
Ok, that was a fib O: I just didn't really notice those messed up words, haha (:
Thanks for telling me though!! ;P Report Review
Is Al gonna have to quit quidditch? D:
I have a feeling that with Palmer - he's either gonna be kicked off or somehow in a fit of rage - quit ;A;
but those are just my stupid guesses.
Awesome chapter : )
Def. made my night xDAuthor's Response: Your guesses are so NOT stupid (: I love to hear you guesses! Thank you so much and I'm glad I made your night ( : Report Review
That's all I can say. :__:Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! Report Review
It's me, it's me!
I'm here to review :) Ah, I loved this chapter so much! You did exactly what I was hoping you would do. You gave a lot more levels to the characters, which I loved. The cat-shaving was hilarious, but my favorite part was actually the scene in the Great Hall. His interactions with Rose and Lily were great. And Luxe! I'm so interested in what is going to happen with her!
Hey, I have some snippets/ideas that I'm not sure if you've thought about or maybe some theories? Who knows.
It would be hilarious if Lily would end up dating Zeke or Jackson. I'm sure you have plans for them. Or even go on a date, or have a drunken kiss. It would be such an awesome juxtaposition between her flirting with them before and them thinking she is annoying, and then finding her attractive, which Albus would freak out about. And I would love to watch that.
Also, what if Albus was kicked off the team? Palmer's threat made me think about it. Not for the whole story, of course, but for a part of it. And it would be an opportunity for him to learn a little bit about being arrogant and finding himself. Then there could be a scene where maybe she needs his help in her captain position and she caves a bit and asks him back on so he can help her. It would be a great bonding scene between them so they can sort of put their differences aside...maybe?
Usually her curly hair is down and frames her face like a curtain.
-Fabulous description. The sounds between "curly" and "curtain" really make this sentence shine.
I didn’t plan on running to the Great Hall, I was passing by and smelled sausages. Need I say more?
-Uh, no! Sausages are FAB.
I really loved this chapter and I'm looking forward to the next one! I think Al really has some learning to do, which is going to be a great journey. I'm really looking forward to how Alexandra is going to relax to not making the team since she totally owned everyone else. I'm thinking there is another level to that whole "just because she's my mate thing." Is there some tension between them? Is Palmer scared of Alexandra being better than her? Fighting over a boy? No idea. Can't wait to find out, though. Dale got really lucky.
Great chapter! 10/10Author's Response: Ahh, hi (:
Thank you so much for your review!!
I have so much planned for Lily, Zeke, and Jackson. I actually have one little tiny scene in the future that is supposed to lead some unwanted drama for poor Lils.. and probably others (;
Thats a really good idea about Al and the team and Palmer! I'll have to think some things and see what happens (; thank you!
haha I indeed love sausages. Albus gets it from me ;D
Thank you so so much and we will find out SOON about the whole Palmer not choosing Alexandra... bring on the cat fights !
Thank you (: I hope you keep reading!! Report Review
Hey, I'm enjoying this story (are you a fan of catcher in the rye? I can kind of sense the same tone here a little, only way calmer in way). I like albus' characterisation.
I kind of dislike some of the americanisms here but thats not just you, its almost every story on here. You can write how you want too obviously, its just that British characters probably wouldn't refer to 'pot pie' and such. Don't worry about that at all though, its just one of my own pet peeves.
'Morning people make me die a little inside' - loved that line :)
Other then that, its vair awesome, and funny. Keep it up :)Author's Response: thank you!! I am a big fan of the catcher in the rye (: I'm sorry about the americanisms ): I should probably get into looking a lot of british stuff, shouldn't I? (;
Thank you so much for your review ! Report Review
From your response to my last review, I must have come across as hating this story, which isn't true. Actually, I love Albus/OC and I like your Albus a lot. This chapter didn't have the problem I saw in the last two chapter, which was that you didn't include explanations/transitions. You may have rules for your world and that's great. BUT, you have to let us, the readers, know what those rules are if they differ from Harry Potter canon. The change in how Quiddich Captain is named, for example. It only take a line about how McGonnagal changed the structure so that captains were chosen by their predecessor to explain the difference between your story and canon. That one line shows the reader that you know canon was different, that you've changed it for your purposes and that keeps the reader's suspension of disbelief going. This way your change comes across as much more believable than if everything is different and there's no explanation. A major part of your premise is based on something that doesn't fit with canon, that means that you've got to explain it to the reader.
As for Al getting punished for a prank without showing how he was revealed as the culprit. Yes, we readers do need to see every pertinent portion of your chain of logic. If you think about the books, we always knew how Harry was discovered when he broke the rules. It only take a line and keeps the story logical and consistent. You have a character who pulls a prank. Then the Head Girl punishes our character with a humiliating and seemingly too harsh punishment. Without knowing that Al was actually revealed as the culprit or why she had the right to issue the detention and supervise it with her friends, it seems Rose is a vindictive Head Girl who tends to overreact to any perceived threats to her friends. We don't know who Rose is other than what you tell us. All we know from canon is that she has the same bad hair as Hermione but it's red and she's over-eager like Hermione. Everything else is you showing us her character. We can't assume that she is fair or that her punishment makes sense. It does not seem like her trying to end a vicious cycle of pranks between her jealous cousin and the innocent, wonderful best friend. We've already seen the best friend obnoxiously interrupt an important talk between our main character and his father, with no apparent apology. So we need some kind of explanation for why Rose chose her friend's side and reacted so vehemently to Al's sophomoric but seemingly innocuous prank.
When the reader doesn't know the rules, the story can start to read as fragmented and "inspired" by Harry Potter canon instead of being set in that world. You're not a bad writer and there are enough readers who don't care whether you write well or grow as a writer, but why publish your work if you don't want to grow as a writer? You've put too much work into the story to have it dismissed because you forget to include necessary transitions and explanations. Yes, it can be tedious but it helps make your story more readable and that will only benefit you as a writer. IAuthor's Response: Thank you for sending me your thoughts and I hope you keep reading! (: Report Review
Ooh i loved it! i definitley cant wait for more. i lurve al potter in nearly every story. i think hes my favorite character in next gen. 8-)Author's Response: Thank you (: I love Al Potter too! Report Review
So I am totally in love with this story. The Al you are writing is so different from the other Al stories I'm reading...if that makes sense haha. Please post more soon! Cant wait to see what happens next! Al and Palmer are gonna fall for each other?!? Right? heheAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I love the character Albus Potter. and James Potter. hehe (;
Next update should be up in 1 week? 2? Hopefully 1 ;D
Thanks, again! Report Review
I really like this story. I have totally fallen in love with the Albus you have made. I really dont like Palmer. But I'm not supposed to, right? Please write more. :3Author's Response: Aw, thank you (: haha I really like how I've made Albus too! Well, I wouldn't say you're not supposed to like Bree Palmer but if you dont you dont! Hey, maybe you'll change your mind later? haha
I hope you keep reading &reviewing!
Thank you! Report Review
oh. my. god. i LOVE (x85939048586384593) this story. hehehe. so i favorited it a while ago i think, but then i forgot that i read it?...and so today i was looking at one of my friend's favorite stories, and this was on their list, so i decided to read it, and then i realized that i had already read it, and that i loved it. so yeah. wasnt that a great little story? i thought it was. hehe. but anyways, yes, i really like al in this story. :) he is so cute. bahaha, and i love zeke! :D i kinda dont think i like rose too much though. but thats just me. its not your fault or anything and i dont think you should change her. i dunno, i just have something against her i suppose. heheh. ah well. im really excited to read the next chapter!! ahhh! yayy! :D
great job so far! :))Author's Response: Thank you so much for adding my story to your favorite list. And your friend, as well :D I'm glad you love, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside (:
Albus is so cute! I also love Zeke, I'm sure we'd all love to have a friend like him thats crazy and psycho ;D Rose isn't exactly introduced that much so far but I have a lot planned for you which you will see soon... maybe you'll change your mind? I hope so, I love the character Rose Weasley. I mean, come on, shes Ron Weasleys daughter. Hes awesome.
Thank you for the lovely review! Report Review
Oh, that sounds quite ceepy. I mean, Luke. She frightens me actually, well sort of. And she's not really in action yet! What the hell is that. Lol. Shame. I wonder why Bree decides to choose Dale instead of Alexandra but there should be a good reason for that. Love the fact that she's sort of bullying Al. Haha. She's amazing for that :DDAuthor's Response: haha, Luxe will be a very big character really soon. I can't give much out though =X lol I love writing about Bree and Albus. I agree, shes amazing :D
Thank you so much! I hope you keep reading and reviewing (: Report Review
I really like how the story is going! I hope you update a new chapter soon!Author's Response: I'm working on the next right now and it should be up in a week or so (: Thank you!! Report Review
Oh this story is so hilarious. I love how you created Ginny here. I mean, who would have thought that Albus is such a baby for his mother? And despite all the I'm-no-baby stuff, Albus actually acts childishly which makes things even more interesting. I wonder if that's actually why James chose Bree instead of Albus... Anyway, thanks for the update! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! haha, I love Ginny. And Albus. And James. ;D Thanks, again xoxo Report Review
It’s all about mentioning your Father’s name and showing them the puppy eyes. Worked every time, until Rose was granted with the damn badge.
-I like how Albus is a little bitter that he is his father's son, but at the same time he's not bitter enough to use it to his advantage, haha.
Something must be done.
-This is great too! The start of a plan!
Zeke reminds me of Bink.
The Bloody Baron scared the pot pie out of me in my First Year and I’ve never felt the same about them since.
-HAHAHAHA Literally laughed out loud. There were people at work in the lobby getting coffee. They looked at me weird.
nevermind, Zeke reminds me of Freddie haha.
hahaha love the idea for the kitty! I wish I could have seen some more of the detention with the girls and really shown their personalities. I really like that Albus has a different perspective around Hogwarts, though I am still eager to see the more calm, lighthearted side of him. Maybe that might come through with a little backing off of the hatred for Palmer stuff? Maybe focus on other things for a while. That'll probably come across when you describe him on the pitch and stuff.
Like I said in the last review, I really love this story so far. You have such a fantastic start and I can't wait to see where you go with it! I like Zeke and Jackson, though I want you to bring them out a little more. I have a clear Zeke in my head, but not Jackson. I only have blond and pays attention to his grades. Give me a few more things and give him distinct personality :) Love them all! Don't forget subplots and stuff...and I already have ideas about dear Lily. She is old enough to be snogging of course! Glad to see Al being all protective! xoxo
MistressAuthor's Response: Thank you again :D The next chapter will be Quidditch and I am SUPER excited about it because I have a lot planned for it (; Not only will we see more of Al's personality on the pitch but many others, including Zeke & Jackson!
I wanted to write more about the detentions to know more about the girls instead of only knowing Rose is this Head Girl monster, Bree is his enemy, Mona is Zeke's crazy ex and Alexandra is into Quidditch. But I PROMISE we will see more of them. soon. (;
haha, I love Lily. I have so much planned for her. Poor Al, he's gonna give himself a heart attack because of the girl. :)
Thank you so much again :D Report Review
Aw, you're SO welcome! So here are my thoughts as I read through:
“Hey Al! Packed all your dresses for Hogwarts, yeah?”
Before I can even take a glance behind me, I go rolling down the stairs, pretty sure I am screeching like a little girl.
-This is a great line. I love how he's pretty sure he's screeching like a girl. Fantastic!
Ally Pee Pants was one of them.
-Have you seen The Wedding Date?
Sometimes I mouth the worlds along with them.
-This is great. It really shows how fed up Albus is with what people say. It says he wants to be his own person, not live in a shadow. But it also shows he's proud of who his father is.
He gave Seeker to Bree Palmer (I despise her) and stationed me with the Chasers.
-FANTASTIC intro of the characters. I love knowing he wanted Seeker. But he wanted it for the wrong reason. I'm curious to know about James's past as a Beater.
I hugged him. We never mentioned it.
-This is something my James would say, haha. Love it.
“I am not lying, Lils. Now get your arse up and sit on my suitcase,”
-Also love this because it takes normality and sticks it in with carrying the plot forward.
“Do you know that girl, Al?” Dad asks me. Of course I do! I’ve hated her since I was twelve years old. Damn her.
-Does Harry go to the Quidditch games? I was wondering if he might know her since both she and Al have been on the same team for years.
So yay!! What a great first chapter. I really like that you got a lot of things laid out before you really start up the plot. You got through some of the characters, you set up Al's bitterness toward his older brother and teammate, and the other baggage he carries. I think it might have come off really strong, his bitterness, and once he gets to Hogwarts I'm sure it'll tone down a bit. there just might have been a little too much wishing of violence on other people that his charming side didn't really shine through like I know it will! I can't wait to see Albus at Hogwarts and the way he reacts differently there. And especially when James isn't around.
As for my awesome mention in the Author Note, you are more than welcome. I appreciate the mention! You definitely have to keep writing! Keep giving sensory details, because those really make a story great. Some more texture, little details, etc. Love it!
Keep up the fantastic work, girlie! xoxo MistressAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! (: But your deffinently the one I should be thanking :D Report Review
Why did James get to pick the next captain? In the books the Head of House choose the captain. Why does Rose take Palmer's side in these fights? you didn't mention any evidence linking Al to the swelling solution so how can she just give Al detention based on suspicion? Plus, humiliating Al doesn't seem like a good way to end the competition.
Does Palmer have something up her sleeve about Quiddich practice? Is she going to throw Al off the team or not accept him onto the team?Author's Response: James got to pick captain because he was captain the year before, and I'm sorry but in my story the captain chooses who will be best to follow in their steps.
Albus mentions how Rose and Palmer are friends. I'm sorry I didn't mention any evidence linking Al to the the Lip Swelling Potion but I thought I dont have to include every little thing into the story when it's just easy to just know something, like how Al says he always pranks Bree with his best mates, and Rose and everyone else knows this because it's pretty obvious to everyone Al and Bree don't like each other.
I'm sorry if you don't like my story. But thank you for sending me your thoughts! Report Review
this is really good! i love the detail you put into this. keep going!Author's Response: Thank you very very much! (: Report Review
ha i love ur summary!Author's Response: thanks!! (: Report Review
I love this story, and I love Mistress' stories!
10/10Author's Response: thank you so much! and shes an awesome author :D!! Report Review
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