12 Reviews Found

Review #1, by orderofthephoenix The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

25th February 2011:
This is a great fic to show how the Marauders Map came about. To think that it was Lily who gave them the idea is hilarious as she'd never have approved any of their pranks :D

Brilliant writing, no spelling/grammar mistakes and you kept my interest :)

-Sophia xx

Author's Response: I thought it would be so brilliant if it was her and no one else had done it so I went for it.

Thank you for the compliments, they mean a lot. :)

Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #2, by ThatRomantic The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

25th December 2010:
First of all, Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa!

This was one of your stories you wanted reviewing so here goes...

I have to say it was a great idea - Lily being the reason for the Marauders' Map without realising. I love the banter with the characters too.

I'm not going to lie, there were some canon/timeline issues with this story but that's just me being a stickler for the rules.

I've never really read a Marauder Era fic that doesn't involve time travel (I read Sirius/Hermione fics and am writing one) so it was a bit of fresh air for me [:

All in all a really good read.

Merry Christmas from your Santa!

Romantic/Rainy
xx

Author's Response: Merry Christmas!!

I'm guessing that would be the year that is was set in. People keep telling me different years for what year they aquired their talent, so I just put down fourth. (it was fourth, I put down, yeah?)

Thank you for the lovely review! :)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #3, by angeless7fallenstarsong The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

23rd November 2010:
Love your first paragraph. I've always wondered if any of the other students caught onto the Marauders' secret.

"...witnessed the three fourth year students disappear and in their place were three animals." You might want to rearange this. Maybe "...witnessed the three fourth year students disappear. In their place were three animals."

Aw :) James wants to watch Lily sleep!

You might want to look over your grammar (you're missing some punctuation, especially in the dialogue) and maybe flesh out the story with some description. I'd also like to have seen some more insight into the characters' emotions. Like, how did Lily feel about/react to James? etc.

Great story! :)

Author's Response: Hi. :)
I know someone MUST have seen them at some point. Well other than Snape.

Hmmm... I see what you mean, I have never noticed that before.

It seemed like something he would want to do. :)

I will look over this one, after I look over TSC chapter and I am looking over that one after I finish my reviews. Wow, long list.

Thank you!
Ginny45 xxx


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Review #4, by brennuhh The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

4th November 2010:
i love this! the ending was so good :3

the description you used at the beginning was awesome, everything was so vivid! good job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing and the compliments :)

Ginny45 xxx


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Review #5, by MidnightBlue_x The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

5th October 2010:
Hey There, I'm here for your review.
I'm was very interested in reading this fic, as I'm a tad obsessed with the wonderful Marauders and I can't say I'm disappointed. Although, you could do with a bit more detail however that is really up to you. Overall I thought it was a great fic, I suppose the idea of the Map could've come from something as simple as Lily asking a question. Although I have a feeling The Marauders didn't become Animagi until fifth year, I may be wrong though. Anyway, Great story and thanks for requesting!

x Ely

Author's Response: Hey Thank You for the review :)
I am in the process of editing loads of my stories right now so I am adding things ina and taking them out so. I think I add more detail.
I will check the year the became Animagi so thanks for pointing that out :)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #6, by Elizabeth_Black The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

4th October 2010:
Hi! It's Elizabeth23 from the forums, here with your review :)

I really liked the idea of this one-shot. It was interesting and an enjoyable read. Also, I thought the plot was well thought out and rather cute. The ending really brought a smirk to my face, as well.

Normally in my reviews I do dedicate a paragraph for grammar and spelling, pointing out mistakes and how to fix them, however I feel I would just be repeating myself. There are still many commas missing (eg: "Yes(,) Lily?" and "Nope(,) nothing to do with us. Sorry(,) Lily(,) you'll have to-"), also a few spelling mistakes are present and there are a few sentences that don't really flow. I would suggest you put a request in over on the forums to find a beta, as it is a shame to see a story story being spoiled by grammar.

However, despite all that, I did think that you captured the Marauders character very well, and Lily's characterisation was perfect . I could easily imagine her falling asleep while studying.

The line near the end about Sirius checking his hair was really funny! It seems like something he would definitely do, and very in-character from the way I feel you've written him, even though he wasn't really a major character.

Thank you for the request! This was a very cute read, and I did enjoy it :)

~Lizzie

Author's Response: Hey thank you for the review. :)
I love the ending to the story because it is so increadibly ironic.
I have just gone over the story again because everytime I read it I notice a few more things.
However I may get a beta, to check over it.
Thank you for telling me what I get right and what I am missing.
:) Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #7, by Pen2Paper The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

24th September 2010:
Hey
Pen2Paper from the forums here with your review :)

Although your one shot is a little short it was interesting:) Your flow is good and you have done well with James and Sirius's characterization. So good job on that!

But here are some points and suggestions for you.
Firstly, I like how your James is concerned about their nightly strolls with a werewolf, partly because of Lily. But consider what Sirius said of James to Harry in the books, “You're less like your father than I thought, the risk would've been what made it fun for James.”
We all know that Harry himself did not hesitate to jump over the rules which suggests that James was a bit of a daredevil. This is canon and of course you are free to portray James as you wish :)

Secondly your level of detail is good in some places but lacking in others. Writing descriptive detail gives the flow of a story a lot more rich texture. If you know what I mean. It helps the reader visualize your writing. It's a way of helping us to see what you see.

{An hour later James with a slightly less obvious limp went back down to the common room. He sat watching the flames of the fire licking the fireplace as it slowly diminished.}
The description here is really good with the fire... it would be nice if you could extend that to the rest of the story.

eg: When Lily wakes up, what is she wearing ? does James notice it or can he not take his eyes off her face? the light of the dying fire on her face, what effect does is have? Does she notice any cuts or bruises on him? How do they interact? does it pain him to lie to her? Or is he that fiercely loyal to his friend that his conscience can justify it?

these are a few small things that could make a good story great!

I hope this isn't pushing you too much but I would have liked more of the story. How they wrote it and how they charmed it etc. It is good as it is but it has the capacity to expand and be more :)

It was an interesting and good idea for the Marauder's Map.
Solid effort! Well done. Feel free to request any other stories!
~ C

Author's Response: Hey first of all I would like to thank you for talking the time to review and for all you helpful comments.
I have edited the story today and made quite a few changes. Hopefully all good ones.
I added more detail in, like James noticing a smudge of ink on Lily's cheek, things like that.
I also changed the bit when James is worrying, so that he is still worrying but he still loves the risk.
I changed the dialouge quite a bit too so it flowed a bit better.
So thank you and I hope you will re read it and let me know if it is better than it was. :)
Ginny45 x


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Review #8, by schoenemaedchen The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

19th September 2010:
Hi there,

So finally I have some time to sit down and read through and comment on your review. I made quite a few notes as I was reading and I hope you don't resent me by the time I'm done ;)

So, first of all, this is such a great idea for a story! Really. I'm a huge fan of the Marauder's Era and I think there is so much to work with. I think you have a great start here, but there are some points I would like to touch on that I think will really help develop your writing.

1. First and foremost. Grammar, punctuation, spelling. I've reviewed for you before and this is something that really needs work on across all of your stories. A few errors here and there is okay, but there were a fairly good number of errors in this story which is extremely distracting for the reader.

Best example: The last paragraph is one sentence! One, long, run-on sentence. I had to read it 3 times before I understood what you were saying.

Please seek a beta and I will send you along in a PM a GREAT website for some basic grammar tips. I think if you're really serious about writing fan fiction, you'll take pride in the small bits and pieces that make up a story.

2. Your first paragraph states a lot of stuff that the reader already knows. I realize you're just trying to recap, but any person who reads fanfiction at this site is a die hard fan and KNOWS everything. Besides, fanfiction is about writing your stuff and your ideas. We already know the back story, we want to know about the stuff that wasn't written in the books.

3. After the girl runs and tells Lily, there is this strange jump to a few hours later. Your story is rushing too fast. You have so much room for a little development here. You could mention...What did Lily tell the girl? Did Lily have a conversation with her?

4. This comment has a lot to do with number 3. I think there is some redundancy in this paragraph. You kind of repeat (more than necessary) the reasons why Lily stayed up. I think you cover it wonderfully with your first sentence. Simple and straightforward, she stayed up to try and catch the marauders. The reasoning WHY she stayed up could have been a great transitioning point between paragraph 2 and 3.

5. I think its interesting that James is already referring to Lily as the love as his life. We know James is certainly interested in Lily, but love of his life is something I find very strong. I think the love between Lily and James is something that grew...what they have as teenagers is more of an infatuation. It just struck me as a little strange, that's all. He might also ask her, "Hey, Lily, when's our next date" to get under her skin instead of, "Night, Lily. Love you." I think James would even have a little more respect than to throw the word love around.

5. You need to spend some time developing your dialogue. I think some of the stuff you have is truly great. Your characterizations are not that far off at all. I just think some of your dialogue doesn't sound so natural, which trips up the flow for the reader.

For example.
"Yeah I know we do. It isn’t creepy Padfoot!" James kind of jumbles two entirely different, choppy thoughts in one sentence. I think they kind of cancel the effect from each other, because I had to go back and read again what he was even referring to.

"Yeah, I know we do...and by the way, it isn't creepy!" Then I know you're referring to two different things and you address that 1) they need to attend to their injuries and 2) that it is indeed not creepy what he is doing.

6. So I see that James presents the concept of the Marauder's Map here, and some of the privileges that come along with it. For me, its kind of missing what actually inspired the idea. Maybe you think you were clear about it, but I'm missing it somewhat. I think to put this initial inspiration idea is the most critically important thing you can do in this story.

SO, in conclusion. I'm sorry if this comes across harsh. This particular piece brought out the constructive criticism beast within me. I just think it would be a shame if you left it as it was. It has an enormous amount of potential to be such an intriguing and, I emphasize, UNIQUE one-shot.

I'm more than happy to read it again later if you take the time to make some revisions and would love to see it after it's been developed a little bit longer.

Great start and thanks for taking the time to read through this!
-schoenemaedchen

Author's Response: Hey sorry for being late with the review. I wanted to edit the story before I replied.
First of all thank you for all the wonderful CC it really helped when I was editing the story.
I made the dialouge a lot more relaxed and it flows better. I did add more description in and made everything fit together better, I also edited the first paragraph so it doesn't have too much back story in now.
I read it through and added in commas and such so hopefully I got most of them.
I took out the love parts, I see your point about them only being in fourth year.
Also last but not least I punctuated the alst sentence.
Anyway thank you for all you comments and thank you saying my story is unique, thats what I hope for. :)

Ginny45 xxx


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Review #9, by Scarlette Sunshine The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

18th September 2010:
Hey, Ginny!! It's Scarlette, here to review for you as requested!

I know it's a One-Shot, and it's a great one, but it could very easily turn into a short story! You've done a phenomenal job at writing this, so here is my critique, love!

In the first paragraph, you can go without adding the "you see" at the beginning of the sentence. It kind of takes away from the setting. Truth be told, there are a few places that can use a comma throughout the story.

The flow of the story was good, but I thought it could be slowed down just a little in some parts. For instance, the sentence where Lily nodded off--you could expand on that. How was she feeling? Did she stop doing her work because the mere thought of the boys gave her a headache? Did she get bored and decide it would be best to "ambush them", thus placing herself in said corner? What was the last thought she had before she finally just nodded off?

Your characterizations were amazing. It was exactly what I would have expected had JKR written a book about them (I wish she had). You managed to keep James' arrogance without being too over the top—a common issue in a lot of James/Lily fics I've read. I loved Sirius!!! "You can be creepy and watch her sleep later." He was perfect as is. I would expect Peter to grumble and complain about how sore he is before he simply falls asleep. Lily herself was well written in character. -applauds-

"Where did this blanket come from and where were you? I had a first year girl come running up to me earlier saying she saw three student disappear and be replaced by three animals, a stag, a big black dog and another small animal."

You could write in her reaction. I imagine it to be a wary look, a sideways stare through narrowed eyes and the down turned corners of slightly pouted lips--which James would stare at in a hypnotic state. I see Lily losing her temper for a moment to yell his name and bring him back from his trance.

After the lie (which was funny) she would question him again, as slowly... and as calmly as she could manage... And then she would hit his shoulder with her knuckles and seething, would explain that:

1. She didn't believe him! Not for one second!

2. That he'd dread the day she should ever become Head Girl.

3. She didn't want to lose any more house points.

4. Whatever it is they're up to, it better not come back to haunt Gryffindor, or she'd be "hunting deer." That's just me, though. :) (I see Lily asking him in a casual fashion, "So you've done it..? Tell me, how is it that you four manage such... advanced magic that requires years of study, yet you all constantly badger me for assistance in Potions..?" In his arrogance, James would accidentally let it slip that he knew something, even if it was just the slight prideful swell of his chest. I also see Sirius peeking out from the door to the dorm, and James sees him just in time to stop himself. Naturally, Lily would look back just as Sirius disappeared, then look to James with suspicion and kindly threaten his existence. That's when she would go to bed. Again, that’s just me.)

The last couple of sentences ending the story could be broken up:

"Both boys went to sleep thinking of the idea that would surely change the way they pulled pranks. Lily slept soundly, not knowing that she had inadvertently caused many of the pranks that she would hold against James in years to come and, unknowingly, to her dying day."

That's all I have, really. It seems like a lot, but it isn't. XD I hope it helped, though! It really was an enjoyable read! Great job, girl! Thank you for requesting!

Author's Response: Hey!
Thank You for the review it was very helpful. I have a whole day of doing nothing so I am going to edit it today.
I am going to add in more of Lily's emotions and her reactions.
I'm so glad you think my characterisations are good I like my characterisations especially Sirius.
"Hunting deer" that is pure brilliance!!
I am going to go and edit the story. Thank you for the amazing review ( I also think she should do a Marauder book they are me favorite characters!)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #10, by SeverusLove The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

16th September 2010:
Dear Ginny45,

I would like to point out a grammar mistake: "They had all be hurt more than normal that night" I think it's "They had all been hurt more than normal that night".

But other than that, the story was really good, and so was the plot. But it was a bit rushed. And I bet Lily won't let it go that easily. But that could be excused for her sleepiness though. So besides that, everything is good and you should keep it up to improve!

Thanks for requesting,
xoxo SeverusLove

Author's Response: Hi thank you for the review. :)
I will sort that soon I have a few other things I have to change as well.
I am going to add more in, I just wanted to get it up before the queue closure maybe I'll add the morning after in.
Thank You Ginny45/RandomRed xxx


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Review #11, by Alisara The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

1st September 2010:
I absolutely love the idea behind the story. The writing was very good also, and it was obvious you were paying attention to adding a lot of detail about the scene the characters were in. I suggest you give a little more description about the characters themselves, and get a little more comfortable with the language you're using. It seemed a little stilted. Thanks for the great read!

Author's Response: Thank You so very much for the lovely review.
I appreciate that you took the time :)

Ginny45 xxx


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Review #12, by moonbaby11 The Secret Behind the Marauders Map.

30th August 2010:
Hm, this was a really interestign idea, how it was Lily who planted the idea of the map in the Marauders heads. ;) It thought that was rather ironic.

I liked your characterizations of James and Lily, especially how he was watchign her sleep (but not in a creepy Edward way). I thought it was cute. :)

One thing that I want to point out is that there is a u in fourth.

I thought that this was a really creative and original idea, as I've never really seen anything concernign the origins of the map before. Great job!

Author's Response: Thank You for reviewing :)
I thought it would be amazing if it was all Lily as she spent years getting annoyed at him.
Whoops must have missed that mistake.
Thank you!


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