Kay, so this is actually DarkRose from the forums. You requested a review from me... four months ago. Sigh. I disappeared from the forums and the site for a while, so I'm just now getting around to this. I'm a horrendous, terrible person, yes. So... your review!
Okay, so I actually think you have something really good started here! I like that you were able to show all of Savannah's emotions so well. I don't think it was over-the-top at all. I think it was great.
It's definitely interesting enough that it makes me want to read more. I hope you haven't abandoned it! :o
And I think you should continue with the first-person narrative. I think you're good at writing in that point of view, and it will make your story very personal.
I think you did an amazing job and I hope you'll continue writing this! Again, I'm so sorry it took me this ridiculous amount of time to get back to you.
PS: my older sister's name is Laurel! :D yay!Author's Response: Don't worry about taking a while to get to reviewing, I didn't even remember, that's how absent I've been from the site and forums >< Thanks so much for the kind words, though! It's definitely not abandoned just, er...taking a bit of a while to come out. I actually think I'm going to switch to third person, just because I realised that I'm going to want to address a lot of things that are going to be happening without Savannah there to witness them. I'll definitely stop by your review page again when I update this (which will happen one day! Er...I promise...). Thanks for reviewing :) That's funny that Laurel is your sister's name! I quite like it :D Report Review
So I didn't know the trailer for "Brothers" beforehand, watched it the first time after reading the prologue. (definitely a good trailer)
I think, even if the story is based on a trailer, that it still could be a very interesting story. If there wasn't a trailer, the whole story would have more effect and people wouldn't be able to predict much. But it would be great nonetheless if you continue to write this story. :)
(for third or first person. I think it doesn't matter much, maybe it's easier to write in first person? *wondering*)
krapfmAuthor's Response: I agree, but I just wanted to sort of give people a sense of what the story was going to be about (especially because my summary absolutely sucks). Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!! Report Review
Hey RandomRed here. Sorry for the late review my computer broke.
I like how the first part is akward as you write about her just going through the motions and you writing at that point kind of mirrors it which I like.
I am hooked, I was as soon as I read the summary never mind the actual chapter. You have set it up really well.
I think you have portayed Savannah's emotions really well and they really impact the story.
About the first or third person story. I feel it would be best in first it allows the reader to live the events as they happen and will add more mystery, also the reader becomes more connected to the main character which for this kind of story you really want.
All in all a great story. :)
Ginny45/RandomRed xxxAuthor's Response: Hey, thank you so much for the review! Sorry it's taken me forever to respond--I'm starting school up again and things have been hectic. I'm so glad you say you're hooked! I see the points about first, but I'm starting to think I should do it in third--I mean, Harry Potter's written in third, but we still get a lot about Harry's emotions right? I just think it might help me vary my writing if I do it that way. We'll still be sufficiently connected to Savannah, I promise! Thank you so much for the review and the kind words. I'm so glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
Hey!! Here with your review!!
At the start, the first few sentences are a bit awkward, "It was that time again. Just another day"- the second sentence doesn't sit with what your trying to say, I would take it out and then it would flow better.
"it was nothing"- what was nothing? I have a feeling that you dont want to give it away, but you don't have to tell the readers, use words like "like my life now wasn't hurting me," or whatever you need to use.
At the end of the first paragraph, I think it would flow smoother if you wrote "Sliding out of bed and plastering a smile on my, it was all part of the routine"- but you don't have to change it, it's just my opinion.
I think the writing it too monotoned, like your only go through the paces of her day at the beginning. So when she says hi to Albus, explain a bit more where she is, how long has past, what Albus looks liks, body shape, does he have glasses? their feelings? Little niggly things like that would make the story more interesting for the reader.
Also, the part where she describes the towel, a tiny bit too many sentences at that part, change a few of those fullstops to commas.
"seeing as that nothing's"- apostrophe shouldn't be here.
Oh, and I've noticeed you tend to use the phrase, "smile plastered" a lot, I know you're trying to get it across, that she puts on the fake smile, but try an entwine it into the sentence surrounding it, just so it's not so mismatched. So, it would be "--not wanting to pursue the subject, and I plastered the smile back onto my face."
OMG!! I love the scene with the whole family in the kitchen...it was soo cute!! While I was reading it I had a stupid smile on my face...just so adorable.
You did an AMAZING job with the discriptions of her feelings, of her anguish, I really felt sorry for the poor woman.
Haha, everyone seems to make James out to be the little black sheep, the one with no job or doesn't have anything to do with the family...But he always seems to be suited best for that. :P
I feel really sorry for her when she was saying that the house was her world :( poor woman, but why doesn't she get a little houseelf or when the children go to school, will she get a job then?? Oh, I feel so sorry for her. Or maybe she can do nightshifts and get Molly to look after them? Ok, I'm going to be quiet now. -zips mouth-
I don't think you should have too many pov's in a single story, two at the most as three tends to get confusing for the readers and I think you're just making it harder for yourself, as you got to keep up with everyong./ writer to write it. If you do only one, like the oc, it would make the reader bond with her more, or as you've mentioned third person wouldn't be bad. But I'd go for her.
So, this is the last bit of what I'm going to say...Overall I absolutely LOVED this chapter, I loved the reality of it and that everything is not perfect. I thought you did a brilliant job with it and please come back when you have it updated, I would love to see what happens to them after this. :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing!! I'll definitely look back on those few awkward wordings you mentioned. I chose a lot of the abruptness and all the "smile plastered" stuff basically to get the point across, and I wrote it as its own sentence so often because I was really trying to get across the feeling that everything Savannah does is sort of robotic in a way...if that makes any sense? Like it's just kind of what she's trained herself to do to please her husband and kids. And with other moments that had short sentences, I was trying to sort of get across the same general feeling of discomfort and harshness of her life. Maybe that didn't come across to well though :P
I'm glad you liked all the descriptions...urgh I hate descriptions, which is a pretty odd thing for a writer to say isn't it? Basically I mean that they're hard for me, so to see that you liked them means a lot! Thanks again so much for stopping by, and I'll definitely be back to your thread when the next chapter is up!! Report Review
This is a really good start, and I can't wait to read more of this story. It seems really interesting to me. It is a bit dramatic, but not too over-the-top.
I like your characterization of Savannah. She seems to love Al very much, and really cares for him. Al also has a good characterization. He seems really brave, and able to goof around a lot when it comes to Laurel and Ella.
Really, I think you should use whatever POV is easier for you to write. Lately I've been finding it harder for me to write first person, so I've been writing most in third person, but when I first started out on HPFF, third person was harder for me to write. I think that third person might work better, but I think it's really up to you, the author. You're the one who will actually be writing it, and I don't think third person will turn people away from the story if they find it interesting.
Well, I hope that I've helped somewhat. I think you have the beginnings of a really interesting story here. Good luck! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! It's definitely really dramatic, but I'm glad to hear you don't think it's over the top :) I'm sort of leaning toward third person, so it means a lot that you're suggesting that it might work better. Thanks so much for reviewing, and I'll definitely be back at your thread again once the next chapter is up. Your feedback was great--it was basically all that I wanted to hear, hahaha. I'm glad to see that the characterisation is relatively realistic! Gah, I was worried about that. Thanks again :) Report Review
Wow! The description was absolutely brilliant I loved this part the best 'The question sliced into me like a sharp, thin blade.'. I loved how it was so straight forward and yet it could mean much more. I really want to read the rest of it now! I like the mixture of sentence lengths like one word sentences which can have a poweful effect and the really long sentences which have lots of depth in them. The characters were very believable and I can see Al' being like this when he gets older. There was also a bit of humour in it. I don't know if the thing about Ella being an accident but for some reason it made me laugh. It wasn't very melodramatic it just had that little hint of it that made it balanced out with some of the emotions. You told em to be brutally honest but I have to be honest-I can't find anything wrong with it. If all your chapters are like this, this has to be the best story ever!!
LpF123 xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much!! I'm glad you were so intrigued! I'm glad you think Al is realistic--I read so many next gen stories where the trio's kids are just so perfect in every way and I just can't find that at all plausible. It's also great to hear that you didn't find it too overly dramatic. Thanks again so much for the review :) I'll definitely stop by your thread again when the next chapter's up! Report Review
Pacing: seems ok.
Spelling and Grammar: Nothing I spotted, good work on that front.
Characterisation: Maybe I'm not clear or haven't read something but why is her last inital F? doesn't she take on her husbands name? Has he changed his name?
Flow: First chapter - no comment
All in all not a bad story - but if you hadn't described where you got your idea from I would ot know where this was going. Not bad - keep up the good work
Love PepperAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing so quickly! Glad to see that there weren't any glaring issues. I guess I'll just have to keep doing what I'm doing then? Hahaha thanks again :) Report Review
This has a very unique beginning. I enjoyed the first paragraph immensly.
I loved the hug! It felt so realisitc. Excellent imagery and descriptions. Very real and very sweet.
Aw the kids seem adorable! I liove their names, too.
I like the connection she paints between Harry and Al. I think that's an important connection to make, it will help the plot later on; at least in my opinion.
I love how Al picks which girl gets the pancake. It's humorous and real and just shows what a good father he obviously is. I appreciated that.
I really, really liked this story (and not just beause you're one of my favorite authors either). It was really original and unique and with so many stories it's difficult to find something like this. It captured my interest and I think i'll be coming back to read more when it's posted. I enjoyed this immensely and in response to your author's note, i'd say alternating first and third person would work well for where your story is apparently going. :)Author's Response: Hey thanks so much for reviewing! And what an extremely kind review!! I was worried I was setting the story up really badly and making it way too sappy and depressing, so I'm glad to hear that you like the set up and are looking forward to reading more. Wow, I can't believe you consider me one of your favorite authors, but I appreciate that so much! :) And I'm glad you're thinking this story has a unique premise and you enjoyed it so much. I'm glad to see that I have a reader in you! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing :) Report Review
First off I want to say definitely continue with this story, I loved the movie Brothers and I think it would make a great storyline and I think that this is really clever and you should totally run with it. This is pretty well written, I really like the repetition of "Smile plastered" every so often. It's a quick reminder of how Savannah is feeling throughout the chapter while all of these happy things are going on around her, and keeps the real mood of the story constant. It allows you to carry over all of her worries and fears from the very beginning throughout the rest of the chapter without becoming drawn out and tedious using descriptions of her feelings over and over again and still lets you give the reader insight into the mood around her. The chapter flows really well, the short sentences in the beginning really show Savannah's feelings and convey her mood well and helps the chapter progress as it goes on. I think you could use more descriptions in the story however, let us know more about her surroundings. If the house is her world and she never gets to leave it then I think we should know more about what it looks like, see her world through her eyes. The characterization hasn't really kicked off yet, all we can see is that Savannah loves Albus and that Albus loves Savannah and his family. We also got a little taste of resentment towards the end of it which shows a little more about Savannah's character, that she is unable to simply accept Albus and his job and it makes the story more realistic, the concept of a perfect wife who accepts her husband's absence and dangerous job without question and completely willingly is simply unreal so I think you did a good job of making Savannah's character believable given her situation. As for the question of what POV to continue this in it really all depends on what your strong suit is as a writer. Any tense and POV can be a good read if written right. Personally I prefer stories written in past tense simply because present tense narration for the most part seems forced and artificial to me. As for POV it depends on where you want to go with the story. If you're going to keep it mostly focused on Savannah I think it would make the most sense to continue in first person from her POV. I've read a few stories done with alternating POVs and it can be extremely entertaining when done right, I really enjoyed reading ones like that. If you're going to do that then you need to focus on flow a lot, make sure that the chapters line up and the transition is easy. Try to avoid switching characters in the middle of serious or important situations, and if you plan on overlapping their POVs in a particular scene make sure that it is clear who is talking each time and where they are in the scene in comparison to where the last character was throughout the overlap. I also don't particularly like when the POV is changed during a chapter, I've found that I enjoyed it more when each chapter was a different character as opposed to sections in each chapter for each character, I think it just flows better and is easier to read and keep track of. I prefer to write my stories in third person, but that is just because I feel that I am a stronger writer in third person as opposed to first person. If you choose to write in third person it is easier to show the feelings of multiple characters at a time, as you can give insight into everyone's minds. The thing you have to watch out for with third person omniscient (as I've found with my stories) is making the chapters too long because there is so much to put in for each character, and becoming redundant with your descriptions and allowing the personalities of each character to bleed into each other and risking losing each character's uniqueness. Another thing to watch out for with third person is the fact that you have so much going on at once with all of the characters that you lose the richness of your writing and end up telling everything that the characters are feeling as opposed to showing it through their actions. The choice really depends on what you feel more comfortable writing and where you decide to go with the story. It is easier to write in third person if you're going to primarily focus on the happenings around one character, like Savannah, (for example in my story the plot really revolves around my main OC so it is easier to write in third person because I really only need short asides from other characters as opposed to detailed descriptions of what they are seeing and feeling) but if you want to show everything from everyone's POV then it is better to go with alternating first person since then everything doesn't become confusing and tedious to read. Sorry this is so long hope I was able to help, good job I hope to read more.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for the kind words and also for such an incredibly long review! I'm glad you think Savannah is realistic, i wasn't totally sure about her characterization or realisticness or anything, so I'm glad that you're saying I've done a reasonably good job with her thus far.
If I did continue the story in the first person, I definitely wouldn't switch up the POV in the middle of a chapter, don't worry...I hate that too. You bring up good points about both perspectives...urghh I still can't decide! But thanks for mentioning all the pros and cons, because everything you mentioned will definitely help me out in making whatever decision I do make.
And thanks for the reminder to add more details about the surroundings. I guess I wasn't really thinking about being descriptive in that way for the first chapter, but I definitely need to be more descriptive.
Thanks again for the awesomely awesome review, I'll definitely stop back by your thread again when the next chapter is up. Thanks so much!! :) Report Review
Hi! I loved your story! I think it is very appealing! The prologue makes makes me want to keep reading!! Good job!
I don't think it's too melodramatic or sappy. I think that's the way this kind of story is supposed to be! I think its very intriguing because of teh tone!
I think first person would be good if you want to be in Savannah's point of view throughout the whole story. This would allow the reader to know everything that she is thinking. This way the story would stay wherever Savannah is. I think this is a good choice. I think this way you will be able to knwo what the character is thinking and feeling.
I hope I helped!!
-GraceynAuthor's Response: Hey, thanks so much for reviewing so quickly! I'm glad the prologue was of interest...I was afraid it might just be too sappy and weepy and all that >< It means a lot that you say the tone is intriguing :)
The only thing that concerns me about doing the story in first person is that I would want to do it from multiple perspectives (Savannah, Al, James, Harry...), so I just think that might be confusing, but at the same time third person is sometimes so detached. Oh well, I'll keep thinking about it and I'll take your input into consideration. Again, thanks so much for reviewing!! :D Report Review
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