Reading Reviews for Institutionalised
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Estelle Black Prologue

30th September 2010:
Hi Estelle Black with your review, sorry it's been so long. But i am here now.
well this story was good, different from what i am used of reading but good none the less.
i think you should write another chapter, just to see where this is heading.
anyway it was a good story.
Estelle X

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Review #2, by DarkLadyofSlytherin Prologue

7th August 2010:
Hey there,
I'm here with the review you requested.

I think you have a fairly interesting concept going on here. Clearly, Mona is in dire need of psychological help. She's very bitter about being placed in the Institution, and I can understand that (I've worked with children like her). I also completely understand her distrust and dislike of her Psychohealer.

Now, to be quite honest (I'm pretty sure I said I would be in my thread), the run on sentences just about killed me. Mona's long winded thoughts at times seemed almost carried away. Rather, breaking the thoughts up into distinct, individual sentences might help. I'd suggest a beta (if you don't already have one).

The descriptions at the beginning were lovely, and then they suddenly seemed to fade away into two or three sentences here and there. I would have liked to have known more about the Institution. Like, how many rooms were there between her group therapy room to the officers? Had she counted how many patients there were? Did they pass a nurses station on the way? Were their open rooms where they could watch television or read or play games? That sort of stuff.

This is simple personal preference here, so you can ignore it but, in this sentence: "Do you drink your medication? Have you thought about suicide lately?" I think "Are you taking your medication? Have you thought about suicide since we last met?" would sound more professional and more like a psychiatrist.

I did like what I read, but I feel as though there is a lot of room for improvement. Tightening up your description and sentence structure would definitely make this fic so much more enjoyable to read.

I hope you aren't offended or putout by what I've said. I believe constructive criticism to be the best way to improve. And you have such a unique plot. I really did enjoy this chapter.

Author's Response: Oh Merlin, this review is extremely helpful ^^

I'm so glad I requested it because you really made me think about what I've written and gave me solid enough ideas to improve the chapter and add more information and depth to it.

I think that what you said about Mona's thoughts is true and I should revise it but I probably thought that since she's so disturbed and all, her thoughts weren't going to be orderly and whatnot. However, you're right and for the sake of the quality of my story, I think I'm going to get a beta to sort out those kinds of things. If I continue with the story (I wanted to see first if people would be interested in this kind of story you know :D ).

Thank you for all those questions concerning the description of the Institution, when I rewrite this chapter, I'll keep them in mind and try to be consistent with the amount of descriptions and Mona's thoughts, so that neither are overwhelming for the reader :) .

Again, thank you so much, I know I've said it already, but the review was really helpful and I really want to improve as much as I can ^^


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Review #3, by dracos_babe Prologue

20th July 2010:
Wow, for only one chapter, and a short one at that, that was intense. One of the things you asked me to review in your request was plot, however I don't really think that there's much here to go on, other than the obvious fact that she's stuck in a crazy house and I'm assuming isn't actually crazy. But that in and of it self is extremely interesting. I think that it's definitely a good storyline and you should run with it, like as fast and hard as you can because I think that this could really develop into a great story, you've definitely picked an intriguing topic. Your other request, the character, I love her. I want her to be my best friend (and I mean that in all seriousness). Her sarcasm, her cynicism. her complete loathing for everything and everyone around her, it made me smile to read her thoughts, and I'm not usually a big fan of first person stories, but I couldn't even tell with this because I was so wrapped up in what she was thinking and where she was going. You've done an excellent job of developing you character in such a short amount of time but you still managed to keep enough mystery in it that I want to read more. I would recommend a quick read through as I noticed a few sentences had a word missing, one of the small ones like "a" or "the", nothing to major but just enough for me to notice and throws off the flow of the story. I'm tempted to say that your descriptions are well written, however going back over the chapter I'm realizing that there really aren't that many actual descriptions, and I'm assuming my temptation is caused simply by the fact that I enjoyed reading the story so much. However, I also notice that there really isn't much to be described, you mention the hallway that they walk down, and the chair that she sits in, and I feel like going into too much detail about what the office looks like every little thing that she sees around her might detract from her character that (it seems to me) you used this chapter to develop so well. However, I think that in future chapters it might do well to add more descriptions as the characters personality can only remain the main focus for so long before the reader wants to read and know more then just her view on the world.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lengthy review :)

Mona isn't crazy as in completely bonkers, but she said it herself - she isn't normal, else she wouldn't be in the Institution ;)

You actually love Mona?! omg, I didn't think there were people other than me who could at least like her. :o I mean, she's not exactly nice. And she's not likeable. I think. Actually, I'm in doubt now but I'll have to make her even more not nice (because in all honesty, she's not evil). xD It's great to know I've managed to let people inside her head and not make it seem a bit over the top with all the sarcasm and not-niceness. lol

I'll be sure to fix everything you've mentioned about "a"'s and "the"'s and everything really ^^ and I'll keep in mind to be a bit more descriptive in later chapters :D

Thanks again for the review, I appreciate it :)





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Review #4, by lilylunapotter26 Prologue

18th July 2010:
Hi there! Mona was pretty well characterized. The readers know a little on what she's like. She seems like she's had a rough life. I think you might want to include her physical qualities as well as her traits. I also think you should give a little background on Mona. Why is she in the Institute? I know you said that her reason was pretty ordinary, but what is her reason for being in there?

The plot is very interesting. It's much different. Not in a bad way though. It's not something that people read every day, its unique. I think readers will enjoy it. I like it and I hope that you continue with the chapters. I hope my reviews helped. I'm new at reviewing so if you have any comments please tell me! Great story!

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing :)

I know that we don't know much about Mona at this point, but it's just the prologue, in the next chapter we find out her reason for being there ;)

I just wanted a couple of opinions on the plot and all before I continued with writing this ^^

I'm glad that you liked it :D


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