Perelandra here with your review swap! I almost started reading 'With All Things' but this was the one that really piqued my interest. I'm always up for a murder mystery story!
I absolutely loved the beginning portion. I love detail and imagery. It felt like I was there and an accomplice to the crime even though I have no idea who did it! It was great to see a story that had a great balance between imagery and dialogue. I'm intrigued! Who is the murderer?! The way James came home it made me think that it was him, but then again Teddy doesn't seem like a nice guy here either with Victoire. Only Roxanne seems to be the innocent one! However, I could be totally wrong and its not one of them.
The flow was great! I didn't found myself scrolling down trying to finish it quick as possible. In fact, I want to read more of what happens and who the real killer is! I'm favoring this and reading more when I have some free time.
Thanks for the swap! You'll be seeing more of me as I r/r this! :D
--Rosie Report Review
i'm finally getting around to this chapter for the second time, and i thought i'd leave a review :) i really like your description. i can't really say it more eloquently, either. in every story i read by you, you're able to paint a scene in my head so entirely that i forget myself. i'm already intrigued, and so, so glad that it's all here for me to speed-read through :)
i like the way that you portray victoire and teddy's relationship in contrast to james' and kara's. i haven't often stumbled across seemingly-apathetic-to-victoire teddy, and i'm very interested in him. will speed on~Author's Response: Hey. Thank you so much for this review and thank you for being patient with this response. I'm awful at answering reviews (blame school) but please know I really do appreciate every review that I get. Report Review
I knew it! I knew he was the murderer... but I still had my hopes, you see...
Ah... and they all "fell down"... Gosh! This story was amazing! It was truly amazing! Thanks for sharing it. :D
PS - Maybe, some time soon, I'll got on reading the sequel. :(Author's Response: P.S. Maybe sometime soon I'll write and post the sequel. :P I"m so glad you enjoyed this story and am very grateful for your reviews. Report Review
I won't make predictions yet... I want to check it in the next chapter. ;)Author's Response: Baww. But predictions are so much fun! Thank you for reviewing! I'm glad you're enjoying it. Report Review
Gosh, gosh! I wonder if my suspects are guilty... Must. Find. That. Out...Author's Response: he. I like your mindset. Read on, my pretty and your little dog too. Thank you for your reivew. Report Review
Ok, so I am a Teddy/Victoire shipper and seeing Teddy with Roxanne is quite hard, taking in count I'm writing my own murder/love story of them at the moment, but the story is still incredible and I wouldn't stop reading for nothing in this world! Damn T/V for a moment! I haven't read a good mystery in a long while. :)) NEXT!
~RamonaAuthor's Response: Thank you muchly!! Your reviews make me smile. :) Report Review
It took some for me to come back on reading this. Well, it's been a busy time... House Cup...Writing... Oh, and life! Yep, a HPFFer still have such thing. :))
Loved the chapter! Can't wait to know more, so you'll have to excuse me... NEXT!Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review!! Report Review
Am I reading this correctly, and Teddy and James are vigilantes??? If so, WOW, AWESOME. If I'm wrong...well...I usually am wrong. I misread everything. Either way, this is an excellent start and I can't wait to read more.
I like the quick pace of it. It just flows seamlessly from beginning to end. And entering the scene with a murder! Very intriguing!
I love how James kisses Kara to shut her up, because I do EXACTLY the same thing to my husband when I'm wrong about something I say and he proves me wrong (which happens often, because as I said, I am very frequently wrong).
The bit with Victoire and Teddy made me sad. :( He seems so reluctant to be with her. Does he love Roxanne? Is he only with her because of John? So many questions! Gah!
Expect me to be back with more reviews. :)Author's Response: James is not a vigilante, that I can tell you. He and Teddy are aurors though! The pace was something I tried for, since at the time I wrote this, everything I did was long and wordy and slow paced. The pace in the sequel is a little different, but it's a little bit of a longer story than this one.
Kara and James were my saving grace during this. They are the only solid relationship in the fic...
And Teddy does not love Victoire, that's for sure. Whether he loves Roxanne is up to you to decide. He's a complicated character.
Thanks for the review!! I'm anxious to see what you think as you read more, whether it be here or elsewhere. Report Review
Hello. Here's Ramona from the forums with your review!
You asked about the building of suspense, as much as I can remember. I'll start by saying this is just my kind of story. Just as Johnny Depp would say, I hate the obvious thing, in both what I read and write. This is the start to what I would write and it really helps in me having a good impression from the very beginning.
There's much mystery - I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT! There's much mystery in the characters personal lives, in their jobs and around the characters. It really keeps you thinking. Questions pop out your head: Who were those men at the beginning? Why were they killing? What was between Roxanne and Teddy? Which is the connection between all these?
I would normally say "As I said, I won't review more than 1 chapter. You can re-request...blah-blah-blah...", but I think I'll make an exception and save this in my favorites for later. :d
~RamonaAuthor's Response: Hey Ramona!
This is a wonderful review. It's so wonderful to receive reinforcement that I actually managed the suspense that I intended when I wrote this. I had never thought of that Johnny Depp quote in relationship to this story, but it is very fitting. I'm so excited that you favorited this! That, I, wow. Report Review
Holy cow. This was so.. wow. I hate to rhyme, but it was! The description was really neat, and you have an excellent way of showing us what's going on without making it seem as though you're dragging the story and mystery out. I'd like to know what happens next!
I really enjoyed it, and I feel as though, even though it's the first chapter, I'm a part of the family drama, which is something every author wants to achieve. (:
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Rhymes!
Thank you so much for this lovely review, Jasmine! I tried very hard to emmulate the old black and white crime drama films while writing this, and so a compliment on the description means the world to me! So glad that you feel a part of the family drama... though you may regret it in the next chapter. bahahaha. :P
Thank you so much for this review!
melissa Report Review
Ha! I knew I was entirely justified in thinking that Teddy was the killer!! He’s so villainistic!
“James stood directly in front of.” – you forgot to complete the sentence there.
Whoa! So unexpected that Teddy would cut Roxanne down!
A little thing I would watch out for is that you read over your chapters or get someone to beta it as you have small minor things such as above that occur throughout the chapters. MINOR mind you but I’ve got an eye for those little points and this story is pretty good already. Also, there are some points where you are wonderful in describing the details and emotions and evoking a response in a reader (the scene where Roxy finds out Teddy is the killer) and some where it lacks substance (Teddy and Roxy after Victoire’s death). I know that you were probably just trying to show how awful Teddy is but more could be added in that area.
All in all, this was an enjoyable thriller. There was a definite build-up of suspense and the throwing in of possible clues pointing to James but also to Teddy was brilliant because one just gets confused and tangled up about it until the end. Although in the second chapter, it is a bit of an obvious clue when Mr. Turpin’s face goes blank after Teddy talks to him but in truth, I didn’t catch it until the very end :P
Your little twists were great at keeping the action moving and not letting us have our happily perfect end—villain caught but the good guys are down. It may be a bit sick of me but I admire a writer who is willing to take that stab at the grittiness that can come with living life.
I look forward to seeing what you do in a sequel. Mainly because I don’t know how you’re going to do it with everyone gone (or not?)!
x CharAuthor's Response: I hope that you are very clever (ravenclaw) and not that my writing was too obvious. I'm glad that you liked this story!! I am thrilled in this sentance: "I admire a writer who is wiling to take that stab at the grittiness that can come with living life." That is more or less what I was attempting to do with this story. I wanted to write something polar opposite to the romcom next gen fics. I'm also thrilled that you are interested in the sequel. Just a hint... James isn't dead. He was hit with sectumsempra... but Harry was holding him at the end and I alluded to that fact that he was just unconcious. The sequel will be a murder mystery.. but more of a picking up the pieces and dealing with the monsters in your closet sort of fic.
I can't tell you how thankful I am for your reveiws! I hope to see you when the sequel is posted.
This section about Fred, Roxanne and Dom is amazingly written. The unspoken emotions and grief in these paragraphs is what I was looking for in the above with Teddy and Roxy—the small and insignificant details that people latch onto when caught up in their feelings and thoughts after a terrible disaster such as a family murder.
I liked how you made Dom a guy. Isn’t he normally a she? “Dominique”?
I’m convinced. The murderer IS Teddy! He’s so obsessed about becoming famous, calling these murders “perfect”, he’s selfish; it makes total sense!Author's Response: I am a sucker for a well written grief/remorse/feeling awful scene. :P I'm ecstatic that this scene came off as well as it did. These are the emotions of family members still capable of selfless love (noticing who is missing from the lot hint hint) Dom is normally written as a girl, yes. But I had looked at JKR's family tree before I ever discovered fanfiction and assumed for whatever reason that Dom was male. As a little play on that, I always write him as such. I've still never written a female dom.
Thanks again! Report Review
Teddy’s emotions following the MURDER of his wife come off as false. But maybe. . . you meant it to be that way? Because he’s The Murderer?!?! Ha! Got you there, did I? Or maybe not. . .
Oh goodness. How horrible it must be for Harry to suspect his own SON in this investigation. But so thorough. Gotta respect the man.
The term for someone who runs an apothecary is, believe it or not, an apothecary not an “apothecist”.
The scene between Teddy and Roxy seems disjointed and cold. Again, maybe it’s because one of them is the murderer (sorry can’t help but keep slipping that in) but if not, this part is a bit devoid of the emotion and stress one would think would be associated with the fact that family was just murdered, family that you were cheating on. Amp up the guilt!
And Teddy takes a walk leaving his son alone in an apartment? And immediately schmoozing up to Roxanne, picking up where they left off? Ugh. I am not liking him. Please tell me he is the murderer.Author's Response: Thanks again for another wonderful review!! the intent of this fic was to highlight the crumbling familal relationships. Seeing as you've finished the fic, I suppose I can say that the lack of emotion in that scene is suitable considering the murder's identity.
I had no idea that an apothecary worked at an apothecary. :P
thanks! Report Review
Um. I don’t think I like Teddy. Ok, so I understand that he’s miserable because he’s married to someone he doesn’t really love but then he also comes off as irresponsible and cruel (“sometimes I don’t even want John”).
And I can never approve of someone having an affair. Call me old-fashioned. :P Though I do get the need for drama in a story. The forbidden love and the almost automatic passion that comes with it is real as well as the torn up emotions about being together but not actually. Although Roxanne and Teddy just come off as being selfish little beings.
Oh no!! Not Victoire!! The murderer HAS to be Teddy!! Or is it James? Or is it Roxanne? Or is it all three? This chapter was good at making me wonder and think!
Confusing line (the last line of the chapter): “knowing too well that the Aurors would soon be on the [there].” – spot? Scene of the crime?Author's Response: Oh Teddy. Fear not. You aren't supposed to like him. I do not approve of affairs either, but the sad truth of the matter is that they happen. I'm so happy that you recognize Roxanne for what she is. Selfish! I can't tell you how many people shipped Roxanne/Teddy during this fic. Report Review
I adore a well rounded vocabulary! “Penchant”! I do feel that the suspense is building and I’m constantly guessing and shying away from the idea that it is one of the Wotter family. But then you drop in these lines like “recognised the hand of the law” in James’ thoughts which is the same line of thought that the murderer had in the beginning chapter. My mind is intrigued!
“James did not withhold the judgement [the] dripped from his voice.” – [that]Author's Response: VOCABULARY! I sometimes actually worry that the words I use sound too pretentious and put readers off. I'm glad that it's well received! Again, thanks for the grammar editing!
Intrigueee. :D Report Review
Char from the Forums here with your review. I’ll divide it up over the chapters. It’s also a running review as I am reading and writing my review at the same time so it’ll sound like I don’t know what happens at the end of the chapter when I’m writing it (because I don’t!) :)
First of all, this is probably my first murder-mystery fanfic that I’ve read! I immediately appreciated your ability to describe the scene in the first section there re the murder. It’s a complete mystery yet thrilling all at once!
The intros to James and Teddy were interesting. Blood on James’ clothes, hm? Also one can see that James’ relationship is vastly different than that of Teddy’s. I feel apprehensive about the possible heartbreak in Teddy’s marriage…
One thing: “She moved behind him and laced her arms around his [waste].” – should be [waist]Author's Response: Hey Char!!
I'll be posting a response to all of your wonderful reviews, but a general statement to all of them: Thank you! They were all a lovely combination of critique and compliments -- a very effective review style in my opinion.
Now onto this specific review: I'm so glad that my story was your first murder mystery. (Can't judge too too harshly :P ) Thanks for the typo spot! I wrote this all very fast and didn't have a beta for fear of my ending being revealed.
Thanks so much!
Melissa Report Review
Sev here with your review: I want to point out that this is a quite interesting set. I'm excited to see how well it goes. There is little wrong with this. I only saw a few errors.
The sentence: “It was slow today; a few of us blokes were duelling to pass the time." A bloke is basically a jerk. So, I'd re-word that if I were you :) But nice job. Just a little type-o at the end. You put "an murder investigation" instead of a :D On to the next chapter! GREAT JOB!Author's Response: That you so much for this review! I'm happy that you are enjoying it and such. Thanks for the britpick! I really appreciate it.
-Melissa Report Review
Hi, Lily from the forums here.
As far as you Area of Concern goes, I think the suspence is amazing. You've left me guessing at everything and I don't want to stop reading, but keep going to figure out if I can guess what's happeneing before it's reavealed in the story.
You characters are amazing. None seem Mary-Sue to me, or like they're going to become Mary-Sue. You have an amazing story here!
P.S. I had a much better review written, but apparently, I forgot to push the submit button and I can't remember what it was I wrote, so sorry on that!Author's Response: :D Thank so much for this review!! I hate when the archives eat my reviews. It always seems to happen to the good ones. Fear not though, this review is still lovely and appreciated.
Melissa Report Review
Hi there! So you requersted a review on the forums :)
Ok, I have to admit that this is one of the best murder mysteries I have seen in a long time.Everyone had cards stacked against them, and it was pretty much impossible to tell who was the actual murderer until Teddy said "You and James are the only aurors who've done their job". Until that point, I suspected first Roxanne - because of the talk with Ted about Vic - and then James, because everything was against him. Even when he and Roxanne were in the treehouse, I still had no idea! The only slight giveaway was that there was no Teddy POv where he said how upset he was Vic had died - it would have put him out of the equation more effectively for it to be a real surprise at the end.
Ths suspense that was built up worked very very well. Roxanne looking over the papers several times kept the fear very alive, as well as them all wondering a bit about who it was out of them; their conflicts (James vs Teddy on serial killer) and personal problems with Vic all made the situation more tense, especially when all three were angry to be cut out of the investigation after Vic's death. That just made it all the more urgent and heartfelt.
The details, that you disregarded at first but then revisited - like James interviewing Roxanne at MacNair's scene, and Ted interviewing the apothecist, were really cleverly woven in with the descriptive paragraphs. It gave you a really good feel for what the situation was like but also made you suspicious and anxious about what would turn out to be prime evidence next!
The characterisation of Ted, James and Rox was really great, because they all acted frustrated about each death, and angry turned upset about Victoire. We saw their relationships with each other, and how they related to the other aurors, which really put you in their place and made the reader worried about the outcome again!
Overall, this is fantastic. I hope your sequel goes well! If it's anything like this, It'll be amazing. 10/10.
~TGKAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness. What a lovely review!! Seriously, thank you so much!
It's been ages since I've looked at this story and hearing a new reader's perspective is really helpful for the formatting and such for the sequel (And the Wind Blows) which will be posted in the next few weeks when I finish writing it. :D
I'm glad that both the suspense and the details worked in tandem with one another. I feel like without them working effectively, the mystery portion of this story wouldn't be, well, mysterious. :P
Thank you so much for your review! If you don't mind I'll be requesting reviews for the sequel when the time comes.
-melissa Report Review
*Gasps* That dirty little cheater; there is NO WAY he's the "good guy" that everyone keeps saying he is!! AND OMG VICTOIRE IS DEAD?!? That is so horrible! Who would do such a thing!! Holy cow, I really have no idea what to think here... At first I totally thot it was Teddy, I mean, I was SO SURE that it was Teddy. He has the demeanor and sketchiness of a killer and everything! But then, why would he kill his own wife in cold blood like that? I mean, I know she's a spazz and everything, but she is still the mother of his child. Now, I could see him offing the Ex Death Eaters because, well, they are the reasons he grew up with no parents. So it would make sense for Teddy to have a grudge against them... But Victoire? What really good motive would he have for that - other than the fact that he was unhappy with their marriage? =/
So now I am starting to think it was Roxanne, especially after the killer directly said that Victoire was getting in the way of everything. She does seem to have the most motive in the case if this particular murder. (Or maybe that's just what you want me to think, lol! ^_~ ) But I just can't see why she would kill McNair and the other Death Eater tho. Like I already said: Teddy would make more sense for those killings. Hmm... maybe she just copied the first murder to kill Victoire, so that that way her death would just get blamed on the serial killer instead of coming back on her. Could there possibly be TWO killers in this, but everybody just thinks it's the same person doing it??? Or maybe they're both in it together; like Bonnie & Clyde, and they somehow planned all of this, lol!!
I'm just making wild guess here, because I really have NO idea at this point, lol! I guess I'll just have to read on to find out what happens next!! ^_^' This is SUCH an awesome story Melissa, and you are a genius for writing it!!! 10/10
~Deana~Author's Response: Hey again!! I love reading all the speculations here. :P Imagine me sitting and steepling my fingers laughing an epic villain laugh. :P I'm so appreciative of your reviews and apologize for having taken so long to answer them. Report Review
Back again!! I really liked the character development in this chapter. I think that James, so far, is my favorite out of the three of them. He just can't be the killer; he can't be, lol! There is still something about Teddy that doesn't sit right with me... All that talk about becoming famous - more famous than Harry Potter, and wanting to be a celebrity and get recognized. I don't know, but his thirst for the spotlight kind of makes me uneasy about him. That; plus he's cocky, and has an attitude, and to me it doesn't seem like he takes his job all too seriously. Teddy also had more opportunity than anyone else that was there to wipe their only witnesses memory clean. I mean, he was there talking alone with the guy, and his mind didn't go blank until he looked up and (probably) recognized (or was about to recognize) Teddy's face. It was a little bit TOO convenient, if you ask me...
Forgive me if I am making the wrong accusations here, but Teddy comes across as the type of person who only cares about himself, his needs, and his wants. But I suppose I'll just have to wait and see about him I guess, haha! Oh, and I forgot to mention in my review of the last chapter that James' girlfriend seems really sweet. Is she by chance the daughter of Seamus Finnigan? If so then that's really cool; I like the connection you made there with your own OC. I hope nothing bad happens to her in this... This story is SO good Melissa! Thank you SO MUCH for requesting it, cuz Idk if I would have found it any other way. I LOVE this, and I can't put it down!!! 10/10 =)
~Deana~Author's Response: I'm all about character development, and tend to always end up writing character studies without plots. :-/ this fic as wayyy outside of my comfort zone. Kara is Seamus' daughter. I'm glad you like this story!! I'm planning on starting to write the sequel soon so I hape to see you when it is posted! Report Review
Hey Melissa, I am finally here to review as promised! Sorry it took me so long to get to this... So let me just start by saying WOW! What a gripping beginning you have here!! I mean, whoa, this was so thrilling! And your description right at the beginning, when you were talking about the alleyway, was great. Everything here was written with just enough detail, and yet it was all still very shot and simple. I really liked that a lot! :)
This sure does make James look pretty guilty, lol! But then again, Teddy's character seems like more the "murdering" type, if you know what I mean. Cuz what was with him staring at the wall like that? What was on his mind, besides Victoire's nagging, hmm? He did seem awfully distracted... I guess I'll just have to wait until the end to find out tho! I am hooked on this, and I cannot wait to read more!! =)
~Deana~Author's Response: Heyyy. Thank you so much for your review. :) Report Review
oooh this is so great and creepy and awesome. the ending is really awful, but fitting to this story. (not to say that the story is awful, but i can't imagine there being a happy ending)
10/10Author's Response: Alas, a happy ending was not in the cards for this particular tale. :) Thank you for your review. Report Review
This is quite creepy! I'm loving it so far. I can wait to see whodunnit.Author's Response: Oh heyyy! Thank you so much for your review. :) Report Review
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
I KNEWWW IT.
REMEMBER WHEN I SAID THAT IT COULD BE TEDDY? AND THAT ALL THE FACTS I LISTED OUT--OMG I KNEW IT! The only thing that was really throwing me off were your descriptions of Teddy's grief. Goodness, talk about an excellent actor.
And UGH, TEDDY IS SICK. SOOO SICK. EUGH. That is just. OMG. EW. I'm sorry to say that I didn't have faith in James the entire time. But UGH, OH GOD. Teddy -- his character is absolutely despicable. I hope James is still alive! Poor guy! D:
Holy guacamole, Melissa. You sure know how to pack a punch. This was absolutely brilliant. The plot was terrifyingly awesome, and the flow of the story was amazing. Your characterizations were perfectly complex and this had to be the most thrilling mystery I've read on HPFF. Of any fanfic, really. Not many people can write something like this, you know. Not even published authors. Everything you've written is so real - I could see it happening in front of my eyes, you know? I swear, my heart's pounding so fast right now - you've taken me along the ride in this story, this rollercoaster ride, and I'm just getting off. That rush of adrenaline is still there. And you know what? I don't think I've ever felt this way reading a story before. You. Are. Brilliant. Really, you are.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FOLLOW-UP. When are you getting that written?
AFKLDS:FJEWJFDK:JWIEPJF:X:JFIFHDS :OMG TEDDY. JFDEWO:JXZEWPJLQEOH(*WERDJXZM.
WAH MY HEART IS CRYING FOR JAMES.
--jordan :PAuthor's Response: Lol. :) I'm starting to rewrite the sequel today. I'm sure it won't garner as much attention as this first one did, but hopefully some old readers come back to it.
Thank you times a gazillion for everything. Report Review
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