This is really incredible. I hope you continue this story. It is very good and unlike any other story I've read on this website (and I've read many!)
Please keep it up. (9/10 only because it's not finished!!) :-))) Report Review
Please write another chapter! I think your way of writing is very catchy. Report Review
This is RonNiffler from forums. Let me just begin by saying Iím VERY sorry for this long wait! But Iím here now and I hope your not too mad!
Ďbright stars resembled holiday lights strung in cotton candy cloudsí lovely comparison, very beautiful I can picture it. :)
From your first paragraph I can already tell that detail wonít be a problem here! Your description is amazing without being boring. Some people just write down everything they picture happening without thinking of ways to make it interesting to read. Your writing style has plenty of detail thatís amazing to read! =D
I was really enjoying your story up to the time turner. I had no complaints about it whatsoever. James and Lilyís relationship was very believable and I nearly started crying when he was begging her not to leave.
Then we got to the time turner. I really donít like storyís that involve time turners. And if I had just been a person reading your story I would have stopped right there.
But Iím not just another reader Iím here because you requested a review so I shall continue reading, I just want you to understand that I may have a bit of a biased opinion because of that.
Youíre a brilliant writer. Thereís no denying that! Your detail amazing, flow wonderful, and the emotions strong.
It kills me that I donít like your plot. I bet other stories of yours that donít involve time turners would be brilliant for me, but this is just not my cup of tea.
Usually I review two chapters if someone requests this, but since Iím not a fan of time turners Iím going to have to say no to chapter two. Which is probably best I hope you understand.
Please donít give up on writing this story; though I might not like it others probably are going to fall madly in love with it. And again itís only the plot that bugs me you are a brilliant writer. And Iím just one picky person, out of thousands.
Good luck with this story I know itís going to be a master piece!Author's Response: I understand, thanks for the review! Report Review
I love it i hope you update it soon. Just need to point out that Tom's maternal family were the Gaunts, Marvolo was his grandfather's name! But other than that this story is fantastic, the concept is really original and your writing and characterisation is amazing. I want more, i want to see where you're going with this Report Review
It's a great story!!! :)
Please write more! :) I can't wait to read the next chapter! Report Review
I really like this story and i hope you update it soon. However i just have a couple of nitpicks (i'm sorry, i do hate doing this!) First, shouldn't Tom being saying he is a Gaunt, not a Marvolo? Marvolo was his grandfather's first name but if he was meant to be bragging about his pure blood wouldn't he say he was a Gaunt? Second, i don't think Tom would lose his cool so much. I mean i get that he's touchy about his muggle blood and he would be angry, but i don't think he would threaten Lily so blatantly and in such a public place. I imagine he would warn her not to meddle but he's too charming and would want to keep her on side to actually threaten her with a knife, especially if she's pureblood. But apart from that, i love it, well done :)Author's Response: Ah! Thanks for pointing those things out! Report Review
I think that Lily and James is perfect, and I, personally, think that the piece where Lily is leaving is fine and the way James acts is true to his character.
There were a couple little bumps such as:
"Lily brushed [as] comb through her hair and stared at herself in the mirror." Do you mean "a" comb?
"...it pained Lily that she could not truly say goodbye to her infant [song]." Do you mean "son"?
Just watch out for those little typing errors, they can make sentences confusing and a little puzzling. Other wise I think the plot is solid and the characters are strong! Report Review
Hello! It's Broomsticks from the forums with your review. Sorry for the wait. So wow, this is a very dramatic story idea and I applaude you for going with it. It's a little hard to adjust into, just because it's drastic, but I still think that it's interesting and looks like a promising story.
I think Lily seems like a strong main character to have and I like that this story is third person but mainly seen through her eyes, as that means we see her love for Harry and her passion but also the emotions of others around her.
I liked the beginning of the story, when you immediately established Lily's love for Harry. That seemed very real and sweet, and painted a picture of the excitement of becoming new parents.
I found Lily's emotions about leaving very confusing. Firstly, she begins sobbing because she is very (understandably) sad to leave her husband and her son.
But later on it says:
"He would try to stop her, and the more he tried, the more she wanted to go. She needed a break from James, some time to herself to figure things out."
I found that part confusing, as I was unsure how Lily felt about James. Possibly your doing this to set it up for later (as this is a Tom/Lily fic) but throughout this first chapter it seems to switch from loving James, to wanting to get away from him, to wishing she could be with him again. I know she needs motivation to leave, but I think her doing it for her family is enough. I think her character would be more easy to sympathize with if her relationship with James was less murky. Sorry, I'm phrasing this awfully, I hope it still makes sense.
The flow was good. I thought it slowed a bit when she talked with Dumbledore, just because that conversation was just Dumbledore talking at her. I understand that it was a formal situation, but the conversation was kind of stilted. I think Dumbledore would have tried to engage Lily in the conversation, especially as she was a new student.
I really loved your opening paragraph! It was beautifully written and quite poetic, setting the scene and sucking me in straight away. I thought your overall description and detail was really good, you described the scenes really well and made them easy to imagine.
I thought your characterization of James was really good. I think it's believable that he would try and stop her, although he might have been a bit more supportive towards the end once he realised the battle was lost.
Tom was sly and slimey and unnerving, I think you created his character well too. Lily's reactions to Tom also added to his character, the way she seemed uncomfortable around him made me feel uncomfortable myself and added to the atmosphere.
Lily's character was very passionate and strong, but there was one point which I didn't like because it didn't seem to match your depiction of her. It's when Lily first sees Tom and notices how attractive he is.
"Then, one boy caught her eye, and Lily felt her whole body stiffen. He was tall and handsome, with a pale face and shiny stone eyes that were quite attractive. He had a delicate jaw line and high cheekbones, and a determined look on his face."
I think that this is something Lily would notice later when she was talking to him, instead of when she first sees him. Because up untill then, a main point in this chapter is that she is fueled by her love for Harry. I think when she first sees Tom she would be filled with anger and hate, instead of noticing that he is quite attractive. So that's the one part where her character broke for me. Otherwise, I thought her emotions and reactions were really good. Especially her confused emotions towards the beginning of the story. I also thought that it was realistic she cracked under the pressure and told Tom her real name.
Tom's dialogue was really creepy and it made me feel very vunerable and scared so I thought that part was really good.
I thought that in the Lily/James fight the blocks of speech were quite long for an argument, as usually they would interrupt each other. Otherwise the dialogue was good :)
- Plot so far
It's a very interesting plot line and I'm interested to see how Lily's relationship with Tom will develop.
- Vivid parts/Favourite parts
My favourite part was the opening paragraph, just because it set the scene so perfectly.
I wasn't keeping an eye out for grammar, but there was nothing I noticed that slowed the story down or anything.
I hope this review was helpful! I hope I didn't sound negative when I was discussing the parts which stuck out as odd to me, because I really don't want to discourage you from continuing to write this as I think that you have put a lot of effort into this story and it shows. But at the same time, I wanted this to be a helpful review.
Sorry that you had to wait a while, I went on holiday for a week. Hope your having a nice week and good luck with your story!
~ TallesttowerAuthor's Response: No, you didn't sound negative at all! And the thing with Lily and James kind of was a set up, but I'll try to rephrase it. And thank you for pointing out the thing about Tom! (Great, I call him Tom now instead of Voldemort :p ) but yeah, she probably would get angry and want to kill the guy. I was so focused on describing his appearance (so that I could portray him as a charmer, because he is) that I didn't even notice that she was getting all girly over his appearence, if that makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to review! Report Review
Hey louiseIShere from the forums here with your review
First off I want to say that this is a very different idea that you have come up with.
The thoughts that Lily has about leaving James and Harry are just right, they make me feel as if I am the one leaving them, and James talk of another child come out like something that he would use against her at a time like that, as you put. I would never have seen James have misstrust in Dumbledore, but you made it work and I could belive it.
There is one thing that I need to point out to you but you have said that Lily is home schooled and yet she did have to have the hat place her in to Gryffindor. Yes I get that she has but they dont know this nor would that have just been that way.
The way you have out Tom is just as slimy and sly as he could be yet he is to show what his true colours are to be.
This is written very well and I can only see the odd one or two typeos. Just well doneAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review! And yes, I'm writing a scene to edit in with the sorting hat, that seems to be the biggest concern for a lot of readers. Thanks for stopping by. Report Review
Hi RandomRed here with you review :)
Your idea is really original and a lot could come out of this so I hope you take full advantage of the idea you have had.
I really like how you started it you setting it really good and I also like how you've got the emotional bond between her and Harry straight away. I know that sounds stupid as he is her daughter but most people just leave it.
Do they live in Diagon Alley because that isn't made clear but the idea of the handprints is so sweet.
I don't mean this in a bad way but I don't like how Lily and James don't sleep in the same bed, I know you said she sleeps in the nursery but when you write thats why she doesn't like to sleep in the same bed as him. It make it sound like they have relationship problems but that is just my opinion. I'm trying to get into your mind a bit with the troubled marriage thing would you care to explain that to me. If I understand it then i'll like this story more.
Sorry I'm being really picky here about inconsitencies with the actual books the office Dumledore is in the the books is the head masters office he wouldn't have had it back then.
Again why did she get to choose what house she was in?
I like Lilys reaction to Tom and the way you characterised Tom
I think they are very accurate.
xAuthor's Response: I guess I should clear that up, she does sleep in the same bed as him, she just loves Harry an awful lot. It was her last night there, and she just wanted to be with her son. (:
There are a lot of problems with the actual book, I'm working on editing those. She chose the house she was in based on future Dumbledore's recommendation, if that makes sense. He kind of advised her on what magic to do and stuff to fit in, so she kind of used that on past Dumbledore, if that makes sense.
And yeah, I meant to put Godric's Hollow. xD My fingers don't listen to my brain sometimes. Thanks so much for the feedback. Report Review
I'll admit I'm mainly a ship reader, but the summary just drew me in. This seems like a really interesting idea - I'm excited to see how it pans out.
Great first chapter + favouriting :)
- ChristineAuthor's Response: Aw, thanks! It makes me glad to know that people like it! Report Review
a very interesting idea, i'm looking forward to seeing where you're going with it! also, i like your style of writing :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review, it means a lot! (: Report Review
I'll start with grammar, etc since that's the most annoying part:
"The wizard world, especially, had come to bear the grunt of the heat." Grunt should be brunt, I think.
"...causing them to pull up their blankets up around them just a little tighter." I'd get rid of the first 'up'.
"She had spent almost every night in the nursery since Harry's birth, it was almost as if the motion had been programmed into her by default." Just as a general rule, if both phrases are independent (meaning they are complete sentences on their own) use a semi-colon instead of a comma.
"He had an unnatural way..." I'd used 'uncanny' instead. Unnatural seems to have more of a negative connotation to it.
"... it was quite possibly" Should be 'possible'.
"Dumbledore there, with golden blonde hair..." Dumbledore has red hair.
When writing dialogue, every time a different person speaks, a new paragraph should be formed. It makes it less confusing for the reader and just looks better, imo.
Alright, done with that.
Plot: This has a very promising plot! Lily goes back in time to try to change Tom Riddle into a better person in order to save her son. Very very interesting. However, there are a few holes. Does she realize that if Tom Riddle changes his ways, that everything in the future will be different? She may or may not marry James and then Harry may or may not exist. Of course, she could just be doing it for the well being of everyone, right?
Well, that is doubtful, as she states that Harry is her reason for doing it. But I suppose that's something that could become a later conflict?
Characterization: Honestly, I'm not sure about this bit. Tom Riddle was definitely in character. Uppity, smooth, caring only about blood purity. Or he makes himself seem that way. So kudos there.
James seems about right; still opinionated, and the like. But Lily just seems...off. The way she talks about James and interacts with him doesn't fit with me. I mean, maybe before they'd gotten together it would be fine. But she seems to still hold a grudge against him for nothing. I don't know but it just seemed weird.
Writing Style: There were some really really good parts to your writing, and then there were some parts that need work. Your imagery is beautiful. Just stunning, really. You certainly know how to make something stand out.
But everything seems kind of blocky. The majority of the paragraphs begins with "Lily did this". Which isn't necessarily bad, but it would be nice if you could change it up a bit.
Also, it seems to be written in 3rd person limited, meaning we get the POV of Lily, but we hardly ever see her say anything. Like when she's in the office with Dumbledore (which I thought was odd that he was in the headmaster's office...). Dumbledore is just talking and she doesn't say a thing.
I think flow is really what you need to work on. Moving from one bit to the next. Stringing the pieces together.
Overall, I thought this chapter was very interesting and the story idea unique. I think with a few touch ups, this could prove to be quite a lovely story. ^^
DemAuthor's Response: Thanks! Yeah, I fixed the thing with Dumbledore, it's awaiting validation. I know a lot of people are iffy about Lily and James, but they've been cooped up forever, them fighting is just Lily and James being very tired. Even when you love a person, staying with them for that amount of time good probably be nervewracking, and Lily is just as opinionated so they clash. That's always what I've imagined them as, even though they're in love, they fight a lot, kinda like the fiery love. Thanks for reviewing, I'll definitely work on touching up the grammer. Report Review
A very interesting story line. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it though since it's so drastic. I will say that your writing is very good, you have great descriptions, like the beginning with how the sky looked. And I definitely felt Lily's fear throughout the whole thing. The part where Lily and James were arguing seemed off to me in some way. I'm not exactly sure how, but I think it just seemed fake to me for some reason. I wouldn't imagine that Lily or James would act the way that they did in that argument, and I certainly don't think that James would ever accuse Lily of not caring about Harry, he was the one that was head over heels for her from the beginning after all. I also don't think that James would ever talk about Dumbledore the way that he did, since James left his invisibility cloak to Dumbledore I always felt that James held him in very high esteem. Of course since they aren't in the books really there isn't anything to compare them to or anyway to keep them canon, that's just how I feel based on what we do know of James, but there is a lot of creative license here. Other than that I think that everything else is quite believable and this chapter is well written.Author's Response: Thanks, your review offers a really different viewpoint and I'll consider it. Thanks so much! Report Review
Well, that was interesting. I've seen this plot line done with Hermione, but it was quite original to pluck Lily out of her family and set her on this path. I might stick around and see what you do with it.
I have a minor canon issue in this. You mentioned that Dumbledore has blonde hair, but I assure you, in his youth, Dumbledore had auburn hair.
Now, you listed everything as a concern, so I'll say that your description is wonderful. I was never lacking when I tried to lay out a scene in my head.
I liked that there was an edge of resentment building between Lily and James during those months they spent cooped up. I know anybody else would be getting cabin fever.
In the scene where she first meets Voldemort, you say that she's afraid, but I think maybe it needs a little beefing up? I didn't feel afraid for or with her. And I think I ought to.
8/10 - room to grow.Author's Response: Thanks! And I didn't know about Dumbledore, I'll be sure to fix that. I'll try to work on my description, too- thanks for the review! Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection