This is Ange from the forums with your review! Sorry for having taken so long, I've been a bit busy. :/
First of all, great chapter. :)
"Her eyes squinted as she held her hand up to look at the sun." This is a bit unclear... Maybe "She shielded her eyes with her hand to squint up at the sun" works better...?
Your intro is gripping and FANTASTIC! :)
Just in general, you should consider spacing out the story a bit more and formatting it into paragraphs; also, you might want to "flesh it out" with more details and descriptions. I've never read "The Shining" but in Stephen King's other works, one of his really strong areas is in his ability to make scenes come to life by giving a lot of description.
Anyway, very interesting premise. :) Thanks for a great read! Report Review
Hi, BB from the forums here for your review.
So honestly, I've never read The Shining. I'm a King fan (Drowning Sarah and Hearts In Atlantis are favorites) but The Shining has never interested me. Too dark, too weird, too popular, who knows. But because I'm not even remotely familiar with the plot, the story reads a bit jarring for me. I find the italicized bits extremely distracting and not all together integrated with the story. If this is a means of expressing internal dialogue, than you need to make those connections stronger. If this is a form of intrusive author, you need to make the author's voice more distinctive. If this is a devise used by King -- which I'm guess it is -- then I'd just suggest tightening up those bits more. Make them more clearly connected to the present situation. Don't use them as filler. The severe critique part of me wants to tell you to cut them completely, because they really are distracting.
And the reason I'm so on you about being distracted is because you're a good writer. King is a master writer, and if you're using him as a means of creative expression, emulation, you're on the right track. You can learn a lot from his work because his writing is brilliant. I'm not just talking good story, I'm talking about a deep down to the bones understanding of HOW writing works. King's got it and you do well to learn from him. Add that to what reads like natural talent, and I'm impressed. But, having said that (don't cringe, I promise I'm not about to crush you), I would caution not to be afraid of your own creativity. I see it, definitely in the use of Piers as a character (loved that, never read a single thing with Dudley's old pal, brilliant). And is that old Voldy's wand you OC's got a hold of? Also a great concept. But this whole Shining thing? I dunno, I feel like you could carry this story off without having to use the King plot as your guide map. It's something to consider.
On tiny little twitchy notes, you need spacing after each new thought, piece of dialogue and paragraph. Also, don't leave your italicized portions hanging out on their own, bring them along with the scene they belong too: they'll be less random and disjointed that way.
Over all not a bad read. I hope this review was helpful :) 7/10
BB Report Review
I was challenged to read this in the R&R thread, and I must say it's very interesting. Having never read anything by Stephen King, the bracketed italicised sections confused me for a little bit, but then I came to realise that they were thoughts (it was like an epiphany!) They worked really well when Andy was saying goodbye to her mother - I loved that bit. Overall, this is a really interesting start - I love how you used Piers Polkiss as a character, and the witch hunter concept is really pretty ace. So it did confuse me for a little bit, and at the end I was a bit like 'John Major? Surely not the ex prime minister John Major?' but I guess I'll have to wait and see. Expect me back for the rest!Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading! Haha, I loved the goodbye to her mother bit too.
About the John Major...you'll just have to wait and see like you said :P
Thanks for reviewing and reading! Report Review
Oh well, now that is interesting! I never though I'd see Piers again! You are a creative one, aren't you? :D
This was certainly different than the fics I usually read. The writing style was something worth taking in. Of course, you said you tried to copy King's style. Unfortunately I haven't read The Shining, so I can't really tell if you were on with that or not. It was definitely...something, haha.
There were a few places that seemed a bit redundant: "Instead, he went into a rather rundown building. Honestly, Andyís eyes almost passed over it. It didnít seem like a building. It was old and run down." But I don't know if that's just part of the writing style or something that needs to be looked at. Thought I'd point it out either way. ^^
This is very captivating and I look forward to getting more into the story. It seems like there is a lot to be told. :D
DemAuthor's Response: Ooh, thanks, I'm so glad you liked it! Yes, Piers seems to be what people are liking. haha.
Since you haven't read the Shining, spoiler alert, he writes a lot like that. With the parenthesis and stuff. I just loved it so much and I find it fits for a horror fic actually really well. You'll see. haha.
I totally did not notice that part. haha. Woops :/ Lack of words to describe the building I guess. :P Later, I'll go back and fix that, thanks!
Thanks again for your review! I'm so glad you liked it! Report Review
I like the story, much happens right off no slow beginnings with just interductions and such.
I personaly don't like the way you are writing. Otherwise it is good witten i just don't like to read storys written like that. All though I'll keep on reading.Author's Response: Thanks (: I'm glad it doesn't start off slow.
Sorry that you don't like the way it's written. haha. If you don't like that, then I'd stay away from Stephen King books. Report Review
Now while I don't write reviews quite as long as some people (*mutters about showoff*), I have to say, you are on to something aren't you?
I love the fact that you use Piers. There is just something about using relatively minor or insignificant characters that makes the story all the more interesting. You've raised some interesting points up. Someone at Privet Drive was bound to notice something (although if they did, I'd think the Ministry would modify their memory).
I can't wait to see where this story goes. This is defintely going on my favorites list.
-EIAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review!!
Yeah, I've never seen Piers in a fic before so I thought I might mention him. I also plan to have some other small characters. Known, of course, but small.
Thank you so much for putting it on your favorites list!! Chapter two is still in progress. I'm about half-way done writing it. Report Review
Wow, I really like this. The concept is totally new and original and very clever. I love the mystery aspect to it, not knowing what's happening or what's going to happen. Andy's character is very intriguing to me. I always love a good, strong, independent and pissed off chick for a character. Her kind of personality is great and really makes me want to read more to see what kind of trouble she gets into and how she gets out of it. I've never read The Shining so I can't attest to how your writing style compares to Stephen King's but I can tell you that I absolutely LOVED the way you wrote this story. The side notes in the parentheses were incredibly clever and really drove the story forward. If this is how The Shining is written I think I may have to read that book because I really loved this story, I think the way that you wrote it really made it and put it over the top. I also love that you put in Piers Polkiss as a character, you don't see much of him in FFs but this is a great concept that you have. I really loved when you added in that Andy heard the Jaws theme song in her head when looking at The Leaky Cauldron, because I always do that when intense and/or scary things happen in real life I always sing the Jaws theme song and that made me smile, as did the comment about the economic cutbacks and the light at the end of the tunnel, very clever. One thing I'm concerned about is the fact that Andy can see The Leaky Cauldron. It was always assumed in the HP books that muggles couldn't see The Leaky Cauldron and that was why they passed right by it without looking at it. Now I don't know if you plan on making Andy turn out to be a witch (in which case ignore me on this) or your just choosing to interpret the HP book in a different way, since I know that it never actually says that muggles can't see The Leaky Cauldron, simply that they pass by it without glancing at it and Harry assumes that they can't see it, and that is why you added in that Andy wouldn't have given the place a look if the man hadn't walked there. Just something that I thought I'd point out though. But seriously, a really good storyline and I can't wait to see more. Please let me know when the second chapter is up on my thread, I have special openings for story updates. And good luck.Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as you did!
But, yeah, the parenthesis I got from Stephen King. He writes like that in almost all his books. I loved that about his writing. Oh, and about the Leaky Cauldron. I know that Muggles aren't supposed to see it but I can't really tell you why she can cause that might ruin it. Haha. It just has to do with The Shining and that she's special. That's all I can really say.
Thank you for taking your time to read and I will definetely tell you when there is an update :) Report Review
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