Wow! This was so nice! I love Remus's character! Report Review
(Prize Review #5)
This was really sweet. I like how she kinda used Sirius just as much as got used. But I can get where she was coming from. Needing some attention that wasn't all pity. And Remus was so sweet. And Loyal, of course, not stepping in and shutting Sirius down even though he wanted to. :) --JennaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I wanted to make it as believable as possible, and since manipulation comes from all sides of a story, I thought I'd throw that in there. Thank you so much for all these lovely reviews! :) Report Review
This is beautiful. I'm sorry it hasn't gotten more reviews, so here you go. :)
10/10 Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) Report Review
Normally, I hate any sort of Marauder/OC stories. They've just never appealed to me, mostly because the OCs are usually intolerable and Mary-Sue-ish. But this is one of the few stories that I will make an exception for, mostly because, for one thing, it's Remus/OC, which you don't see as often as Sirius/OC and it therefore makes it less cliched. Secondly, because this is just really well-written. There is not a trace of Mary-Sue on your Mina. And, thirdly, because I sort of have to make an exception and read it since it's for my challenge ;P But I'm glad I did, and I think even if this hadn't been for my challenge I would have been pulled in by the intriguing summary and title.
Your hooking first sentence definitely hooked me in (my favorite part was how you put relationship in quotes, haha). I'm not a really big fan of the Sirius as a playboy cliche, but at least here it's not as obnoxious and Sirius isn't as heartless as in some other stories. I liked how you gave him a little bit of a conscience, at least.
There were a few nit-picky things I picked up on:
- in, "He had even though that she was smart enough not to give into Siriusís charm", I think that 'though' is supposed to be 'thought'.
- in, "It was against to code to claim a girl", I think that 'to' before 'code' should be a 'the'.
- something about the phrase, "when he saw a thin figure come tearing through and heading towards the Entrance Hall" sounds awkward, and I think it's the conjugation of the second verb. I think it should be 'head towards the Entrance Hall'.
- in, "'To be fair,' interjected James Potter. 'She didn't screech", 'to be fair' isn't really a complete sentence and the second part of dialogue, the 'she didn't screech', seems like a continuation of that sentence, so it should be lowercase and there should be a comma after James Potter instead of a period, like this: "'To be fair,' interjected James Potter, 'she didn't screech."
- this is extremely nit-picky, but in that entire conservation between Remus, Sirius, and James, you have Remus demanding something twice, one right after the other, and you have James interjecting twice. Said is annoying, but sometimes it works better; strong verbs like demand and interject tend to draw attention away from what's happening in the dialogue if they're used too often.
Like I said, extremely nit-picky stuff; feel free to ignore it if it offends you or anything like that :)
I liked the last line of this almost as much as the first line. It just fit so perfectly, especially with the title and her story of how her dad called her a pretty bird. I do think it's a little rushed that they would get their happy ending soon, but, for all I know, Mina pushed him away a second later and screeched at him about how he had abandoned her after fourth year ;) I actually rather liked her character, especially because she wasn't oblivious to the fact that Sirius didn't really like her that much. It's strange to think that a girl who falls for Sirius's tricks could be loved by a bloke like Remus, but I thought the fact that she fell prey to his charms in a moment of weakness made it a lot more realistic and believable. I also liked how you stayed true to Remus's character; even though he wanted Mina for himself, he didn't get in some dramatic fight with Sirius over her. He just waited, and that's exactly what I would imagine him to do.
The mention of the Yule Ball was a little bit too cliche for my taste, but the dance in the rain was very cute, and I liked how you showed how easy it was for them to feel comfortable around each other again by their teasing tones. And, like I said at the beginning of this review, I think this was extremely well-written. Your words seemed perfectly chosen and your sentences perfectly constructed, and it all just seemed to flow so smoothly to me. You know I loved the first and last lines, but my favorite part besides that was the description of "The Sirius Cycle". It made me laugh, even though it's kind of pathetic so it really shouldn't. But, whatever, I'm heartless.
That's about all I can think to say about this. I thought this was a very cute little one-shot with a small dash of angst - just how I like it. I do wonder what happens to Mina and their relationship, but I'm glad you left that up in the air. Anyway, thanks for entering my challenge, and be sure to check back after the deadline to see if you've won! :)
Cherry Bear Report Review
Wow. This was gorgeously written. The details and emotions were flawless. The whole story flowed quite smoothly, and was beautiful too.
I loved how you explained everything, even when the story started in the thick of things. It was nice to have a little recap.:)
The situation, dancing in the rain, fell very smoothly in the story. And I love love loved it. The kiss after was a nice touch too. I'm a sucker for those too.:D
Overall, wonderful, delightful, superb story! Awesome job, and good luck in my challenge!:)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I had a lot of fun with this story. It just kind of popped out just the way I wanted to.
I try to vary whether or not my characters get a smooch at the end of a one-shot, but this one definitely needed one.
Thank you so much for your review, and for having such a lovely challenge! Report Review
Great opening line, but I thought that Mina and Remus got together too easily at the end. It wasn't completely believable after three years (or however many) of not speaking to one another. other than that, it is well-written.Author's Response: Hmmm...I definitely see what you mean. I probably should've done more of a "you abandoned me" conflict. I've always been awful at rushing my plots, so I guess I'll have to keep this in mind some more. Thank you so much for your helpful review! :) Report Review
awww this was ADORABLE i loved it!!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! :) Report Review
My first Remus/OC and i think its so cute! really sweet! and i always liked that dude!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I have quite a few other Remus/OC one-shots, if you're interested ;) Report Review
This is fantastic!!! I love it! I love Remus/OCs, and I can't wait to see more of this one!!!Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is actually the only chapter to this story! It's staying a one-shot :) Report Review
Ordinarily I avoid Marauder/OC stories like the plague as they tend to be full of cliches and girls wanting to throw themselves into the HP world simply so they could 'be' with Sirius, Remus, or even James. However, I must admit that I was pulled in by the pretty banner and the two challenges that this was listed for.
This was absolutely beautiful. I adore the writing of this piece. It was very emotional, but it wasn't so much so that it was too overpowering. It's nice to have a good balance.
I also like that you show Remus losing his temper in this piece. That is not something that you usually see, but it was a nice touch. It makes him seem human, rather than simply a robot that reads books (which I've sadly seen in way too many a Marauder fic).
I can appreciate the fact that Remus had a friend before the Marauders. It's adorable, and it would make sense that he would miss her. Having his condition, he would want to keep all the friends possible, I imagine, whilst holding them all at arm's length - which could prove to be a difficulty.
As far as characterization, plot, and grammar go - I didn't spot any glaringly obvious errors to bring to your attention. I always appreciate pieces that have that polished look.
I also found your OC incredibly easy to like. She wasn't too 'anything'. She was just average, which is nice. It differs from the usual OC that is gorgeous, brainy, the heartthrob of many a boy, and a complete tease. So thank you for that.
This was a wonderful little one-shot! I enjoyed it, a lot. ^_^
LindersAuthor's Response: I really try to avoid OC cliches like the plague (although sometimes they can't be helped), and I've found that writing one-shots is the best way to avoid that. Thank you so, so much for your kind review on this.
I've always had the easiest time writing Remus because he's more sensitive than the other two (according to my characterization, at least), so it's easy to get inside his head. I'm very glad that you enjoyed my characterization.
Haha, I love my average girls! Where's the fun if the characters perfect? ;)
Thank you again for your wonderful review! I really appreciate your thoughts :) Report Review
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