Hi Lottie! ♥
Iím here all the way from QTR-land to drop by some well-deserved reviews as a thank you for being so awesome. Also, I just canít believe Iíve never read anything of yours before! I was pleased to get the chance to check out your writing. :D
This was one of the cutest things ever! :3 Iíve read a few unrequited-love-sirius-fangirl one-shots, but this had that extra fluffy, feel-good dimension that the others didnít. I like the fact that Sienna actually ends up with Sirius in the end, thatw as an interesting way to end things! I was expecting something more angsty, I have to say :P
This was a really great one-shot. Youíve sort of used the plot of so many novels (girl in love with boy, asks friend of boy to help her get him if she helps him) and then shown them all up by proving how much more refreshing it is to read as a one-shot! You didnít need it to be any longer; this was the perfect length- and the way you described everything made it seem so realistic too!
I like Sienna as a character. She seems quite down to earth- realising that she doesnít really want to be just another giggling fangirl. So instead, she makes a plan, and gets what she wants in the end. A girl who knows what she wants, and actually goes out to get it, instead of sitting and whining about it! :D
It was sweet and well written and lovely and light-hearted and a very nice story. I loved it!
-AnnonAuthor's Response: Hey Annon!
My response to this is way overdue, but I just want to say a massive thank you for all your reviews - they're so lovely and YOU are totally awesome! :D
Aw thank you. I think it is rather fluffy and I do always like happy endings√Ę¬Ä¬¶ I'm a little surprised you thought it was the perfect length - most people have said the huge jump from beginning to end was a bit abrupt, but thank you!
Ahh just thanks so much for such a wonderful review! You really made my day with all of them :)
- Charlotte Report Review
This is actually a really really good story! It is very fast paced however I just think that it seemed to work very well.
It started off with the girl pining to be with Sirius and basically looking at what she wanted whilst describing the scene. The scene really helped me visualise her wants with Sirius and also it helped give more context such as James looking at Lily and the way he seemed to be visibly rejected by her.
The idea of her using James to get to Sirius is brilliant as they both get something from it. If Sienna speaks to Lily about how great James is and if James speaks to Sirius about how great Sienna is then its very likely that they will end up getting together through the little bit of peer pressure.
I also liked the end when you told us about the results of what had happened. James and Lily were all loved up and Sienna and Sirius were off to the Room of Requirement!
Well done on thisAuthor's Response: Hey!
Aw thank you so much! Personally, I consider this story on the more 'bad' side of stories I've written, so it's really great to get such nice comments from you!
I'm glad that the starting of the story all made sense to you, and that you thought that particular plot idea was brilliant. Fundamentally, I really needed a reason for why both James and Sienna would need the other's help, so it all worked out well with the plot!
Generally, I have been agreeing with other reviewers that the ending is quite abrupt, but thank you for letting me know what you thought of it! It is partly due to my laziness, but I did want to end it on a good note without having to go through the complexities of how they got together.
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I really appreciate it :)
- Charlotte Report Review
I love her name :D
This story is very well written. not too much information, not too little, just... right. I mean you didn't tell us who you wanted to get back at directly but it made perfect sense so well done there.
As to the grammar and vocabulary, I saw one typo I think but no biggie. If you go through it yourself you would see it. So that's great, only one typo. Grammar was excellent other than that.
I really approve your choice of words. They were very artistic and brought out all the meaning that you intended. So go you!
All in all, I love this story. Characterization is also excellent so there was nothing to disappoint me.
Also, I LOVE Sirius *Swoon*
*Hugs*Author's Response: Hey!
Aw thanks! Sienna is one of my favourite names too, and I don't see it being used on this site which is a bonus! :) Ahh thank you so much! I'm glad the balance was there and that it made sense to you, because I think there was one other reviewer who got a little bit confused..
Haha, I've definitely been meaning to edit this, though I haven't yet gotten around to it, but I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thank you so much about the grammar/choice of words - it makes me really happy to hear that!
I LOVE SIRIUS TOO! He's definitely one of my favourite handsome male characters :P Thank you for the read and for the really nice review! :)
- Charlotte Report Review
Passing the parcel ^^
Interesting one-shot you have here (: I think it was well-written, your descriptions really helped me to see the big picture. Sienna is an intriguing character and you did well describing her feeling and how much she wanted to be with Sirius. It all made sense.
What I would've wanted to know is how they eventually ended up together. The jump was a bit sudden and left so many questions open. Have you even planned on continuing this?
Other than that, I really liked this! You write really well and I hope I get the change to read more of your work (:
~EleniaAuthor's Response: Hey Elenia!
Thank you so much! Gah, this is probably the one-shot I most dislike on my page because of the undeveloped ending... Back then (and I still do this now), whenever I write a story I think of a beginning, a middle and an ending. You'd think that would be fine, but then I actually have no transition between those - no transition between the middle and the ending, so.. lots of people have commented about the big gap and when I look back on it now, I know it needs desperate editing :P You know, one day I would really, really like to edit it, maybe even expand it to a short story, but writing a Marauders era "get Sirius" kind of story seems so cliche and something I just can't do justice. Also: I actually have no idea how they end up together.. (hence what i mean about no transition between middle and end :P)
But thank you so much! Hearing that you found it well-written and that the descriptions helped definitely put a smile on my face. Ahh thank you so much for reading and for the lovely review! :)
- Charlotte Report Review
This was a sweet little story, a little too fast paced though. I would have liked more insight into your main character, and how her relationship developed with Sirius. However, you can only do so much in a one-shot, so my suggestion is turning this into a short story (or perhaps writing a companion piece) that gives detail into how James got Lily, and she got Sirius.
Critique aside, this was a nicely written piece. You do have room for improvement. I liked the fluffy ending anyhow. Good effort!
~Recenseo~Author's Response: Hey!
It's always lovely to see a random review, so thank you for that! :)
I agree that it's a bit fast paced, and I definitely agree with you about more time on building the relationship.. it has been a while since I've touched this story, so I'm hoping one day I'll get some time to rewrite this a bit, and thank you for the suggestion about a short story - YOU JUST GAVE ME SUCH INSPIRATION FOR EXPANDING THIS INTO A SHORT STORY! I'm really excited about the possibilities now! Hmm...
Hehe, yep, I know there's still lots of room for improvement (which means I can only get better from here, right? :P), but thank you for the lovely review! I really appreciate it~ :) Report Review
I'm getting some time to read so wanted to look at your stories since you were so nice to mine!
OK - so this line had me chuckling to myself "I canít bear the thought of living without him. Even though, right now, I donít technically live with himÖ" Sienna's thought process is definitely infatuated/stalker-like and easy to follow for any girl who's ever had a hardcore crush *cough* not me *cough*
I didn't quite get this line "I smiled knowingly. He took it the wrong way. 'No way man! What kinds of people do that?'" Either I'm dense or the concept isn't fully clear.
Why no filler of how Sienna helped James get Lily and how James helped Sienna get Sirius? That's what I'm interested in hearing about--how this girl went from fan-girl to girlfriend would be fun to see! I hope you edit it at some point (between giving your lovely reviews).
I'm off to check out your other stories!
L, CharAuthor's Response: Hey Char! :D
Eep!! Sorry, sorry, SORRY for this being so incredibly late - I honestly am surprised I didn't see this earlier!
Thank you very much for taking the effort to read and review my stories! :) Haha, glad you could relate to that line! You're definitely not dense, I have to say I wrote this a year or so ago, and it kinda makes me cringe.. so I hope that means I've matured as an author, because frankly, I have no idea what I was writing back then! Thanks for pointing it out! If I ever get the time or motivation to edit this, I shall try and fix that line somehow! :)
Haha.. well.. because I only write one shots. I've contemplated writing a filler, but it'd turn into a novel of some sort, and I can already imagine I'd be atrocious at updating it and keeping the plot interesting and cliche-free!
Thank you so much for the lovely review ^_^ Report Review
Critique is fine, you say? That's music to my ears! :P I don't know if you've been a member long enough to remember when I actually had spare time that I filled with reviewing, but such a time did once exist.
First off, I have to say, I never have cared much for the Marauder era, but I never disallowed Marauder fics from my review thread, because I believe it's beneficial to keep an open mind . . . and there are good Marauder stories out there.
Since in canon we only see the Marauders as adults (except in Snape's memory), it's impossible to say with absolute certainty what they truly might have been like, and I find your characterization of Sirius and James to be pretty much in line with the way a lot of Maurader-era writers on HPFF characterize them.
My main criticism about this story is that break in time before the ending. So much happened in those three little asterisks that we the readers don't know about! It's a bit disorienting, jumping from this conspiracy between Sienna and James to being told Sienna and Sirius are now a couple. It's like, "Wait a minute. How did that happen??" Obviously, we know James had something to do with it, but it's like the most exciting part got skipped!
I know why you did it, though. Filling in the gap would have been hard, wouldn't it? I don't write much, personally, and when I do, I have only written one-shots. Therefore, I can very much relate to this feeling that including a bunch of information like that would require a longer story, that
I don't really know what to put in there because it's complicated. Am I right here?
Anyway. This leads to a more general issue I want to address about your overall writing that I have observed so far. You have a tendency to write something without really explaining it. That isn't really the best way for me to put it. What I mean is, sometimes you throw out an event or statement that the reader basically has to take your word for, because there isn't a lot of supporting evidence, for lack of a better word. Probably the simplest way to say it is that there is some weakness in plot development.
Plot development in a one-shot can be tricky. It sounds easy to write something short, but it's not as easy as it seems. In a longer story, it can be easier to cover up weaknesses, because you can add an explanation in later on or develop a character further or what have you. In a one-shot, you don't have that freedom.
But yes. Back on topic. I'm one of those annoying readers who's constantly trying to poke for plot holes when I'm reading with the intention of reviewing. In this story, the glaring plot hole was the time gap I mentioned. None of the other stories so far have had as obvious a hole, but development (of plot, of characters, of relationships between characters, of setting) is sometimes lacking. You made a good attempt to provide this development in the Remus piece. It was a little rough around the edges, but I can tell you're working on it.
The top half of this piece was pretty good in terms of establishing and developing Sienna's frame of mind and emotions. We know from the get-go that she likes Sirius Black, but then we learn of a falling-out with her friend, of her jealousy of some random, unnamed other girl, and we witness her hatching her plan. If you keep on like this, you'll get the development thing down much better. :)
Another criticism I have is the "atmosphere" of the piece. I wasn't alive in the 1960s, so I'm not an authority of that era by any means, but this piece has a somewhat "modern" feel to it, if that makes sense. It's not that I can fault you for it, since that's the perspective from which you're writing (and from which I'm reading), but it is something that always sticks out to me in Marauder stories. Don't worry, you don't have anything weird like Peter jamming to his iPod, but there was (to me, at any rate) a definite modern vibe to this story.
You did capture a lot of teenagerish awkwardness and behavior, though, which surely existed in the '60s too. :P That came off as realistic--the juvenile tactic Sienna had with the owl, the petty fighting among friends, the crushes and disappointments.
I can tell by reading that your writing is still developing. You're in the same place that a lot of people are as relatively new writers (and sometimes as long-time writers as well). The good thing, though, is that I can tell your writing improved from that first abandoned story to this one. As you gain more experience, you'll probably be like 99% of people on this planet and improve even more. :)Author's Response: Oh dear me. It's been nearly 3 weeks since you wrote this == I FEEL HORRIBLE. FORGIVE ME!!!
First off, THANK YOU FOR THE SO HELPFUL AND LONG REVIEW!!! :D And yes, critique is fine - one reason i write is to improve!
Hehe yeah I've been told that break there is really sudden. It needs some kind of ending.. so I just uhh, put that last bit in there. Obviously it would be a good idea to edit this fic and maybe make it a couple of chapters longer, and I don't know if you've noticed.. but i only write one shots.. and I should try a chaptered fic√Ę¬Ä¬¶. someday :P
So yeah, you're definitely right about the 'filling the gap' and it's true of you to point out my lack in plot development (i don't think anyone has actually said that before, though in some stories my reviewers have said i need to explain things a bit more). So yeah, thank you for your advice on this, and about the beginning bit :)
Again, nobody has pointed out the atmosphere thing - so it's really, really helpful. I guess, having only lived really in the 21st century, it is harder for me to write in the past - but I will take a look at this, and maybe at some other good Marauder era fics to see whether I can improve on the atmosphere.
Thank you for your review Alo! :D Really helpful - you pointed out a few things that nobody has ever pointed out before. And I hope I improve over time too - how ever long it might take :) (I think i should write more stories for that to happen, lol).
THAAANK YOUUU! :DDD
For the review, all the reviews, and the awesome critique and helpful things you pointed out :)
(and sorry for the late review response - i hate it when people don't respond, especially to long reviews, SO SORRY!!) I hope you know that I really do appreciate the effort you took to read and review this!! Thank you!! :) Report Review
okay, so I thought this was pretty good! I mean, I know you don't really think this is one of your best, but you know, its not really that bad. for a one shot, I thought it was nice, with good amount of details about the characters. I mean, sure it wouldn't have hurt to throw a few more in, but since it was only like 1500 words, I thought it was a fine amount. and OMG glee! love of my lifee :) right behind the show skins :) now THAT, is the love of my life. oh and sirius. I love him too. :) but yeah, I thought this was a pretty solid one shot, and now I'm going to have to read more of your stories! :)Author's Response: Hey there :)
Awh, thank you so much! I can't tell you how much this made me smile! So thank you!
Yeah, I definitely don't think this is one of my best, but I'm glad you liked it anyway! Yes, Glee is definitely amazing! Love it! :)
And I love you for this wonderful review! Thank you so much for reading & reviewing! :) Report Review
well im sad this is over.
too bad u decided to leave out how she got sirius... but its nice to make guesses as well.
i really liked the shortness of this story as it made a bigger impact than explaining detailed descriptions on everything.
good job!Author's Response: Hello! :)
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate the effort!
You make some very good points! A lot of people have commented on how I left out the middle part, but I'm glad you thought it was nice to make guesses. And thank you! I'm glad I didn't over-do the descriptions!
Honestly, thank you so much. Your review really made me smile :) Report Review
That's a very nice story. I liked the beginning and the end part best as they mirrored each other with her not being able to concentrate on her studies. What was a little problem for me here was that I didn't quite warm up to Sirius. You showed more of his shallow side, but to really like him and understand Sienna's feelings better I think there would have needed to be something more. You do this with James as he's after Lily in his usual way, but there's something more to him especially in the astronomy tower part, which makes me like him. He is unsure when he comes and he understands Sienna in the way that they are in the same situation, which makes him more relatable than Sirius. I still enjoyed the story, but if you want to develop it more, I would suggest that you look at your characterisation of Sirius.Author's Response: Hello! :)
Thank you! All these reviews are bringing up so many different aspects, which really shows how awesome reviews are. One person commented that Sienna was a bit under-characterised, and now Sirius is too, so it's good to get different opinions. I agree, that ALL my characters are under developed, this was a kinda rushed story, so I will definitely take a look at developing all my characters, including Sirius.
I wasn't aiming for the beginning and end part to connect (I had no idea until you pointed it out), but that's very interesting, I'm glad I did it? :P
Thanks so much for the read & the nice review :)
Hi, I'm here with your lovely snowball review :) I love Glee (and I entered this challenge, too, way back when) so I had to read this story.
I feel like your characterizations were pretty good. James, Sirius, and Lily acted pretty much how I expected them to act, and you incorporated the quote nicely. I love James's response to that :P
Sienna got on my nerves a bit. I think she just needs to be developed more. I want to know /why/ she was so in love with Sirius. I'm a romantic, so I want it to be more than just a physical attraction (as it kind of seems right now). Granted, they are 17, so maybe that's all it takes :P
I'd also love to find out what she and James did to win over Lily and Sirius in the end.
All in all, it's a cute fluffy piece and was a pretty enjoyable read. I think it's definitely worth expanding upon.Author's Response: Hey! :)
Oh, I'm a big Glee lover now! Kinda obsessed actually√Ę¬Ä¬¶ anyway.. WHAT YOU ENTERED THIS CHALLENGE? THIS IS BAD. This means that your entry was probably.. a ton, a lot, heaps better than mine :P
Ah, thanks for that. I agree about Sienna. I guess she's just another desperate fangirl. I really have no idea what I was thinking of as I wrote this√Ę¬Ä¬¶ the whole scenario was really created from the quote√Ę¬Ä¬¶ I will definitely take a look at Sienna, and expanding it (because so many people have commented on it).
Thanks for the read and the lovely review! :) Report Review
My fellow Canadian, I am here to review! xD
Sienna's pretty likeable, as OCs go. She has a good voice, and I like how she doesn't turn away from Sirius' stare but rather attempts to seduce him. The Marauders seemed pretty in-character from what I've seen.
What year are they in? You made it sound like seventh year, what with exams and leaving in a few months... then you mentioned Sirius went for the older, seventh year girl and I was left a bit confused. I would've likes to see how exactly Sienna and Sirius got together, as well as Lily and James.
That aside, it had a happy, fluffy ending (which I'm horrible at writing, so kudos to you for that! :P) and Sienna's narration was pleasant and enjoyable.
--lizzyAuthor's Response: HELLO :D
Ahh thank you! Sienna seems very cliche to me :P I wrote this a few months ago and haven't had the time yet to revise it unfortunately! I wrote the Marauders as the stereotypical characters, so I'm glad I achieved that.
Umm.. I have no idea what year they were in.. definitely 6th or 7th (why did I not think of this?) Thanks for bringing up that inconsistency! And yes, a lot of people have commented about the complete missing ground, and I guess I'm just too lazy to write about it. Hopefully I will fix it one day though! All these people commenting on it is having an effect on me√Ę¬Ä¬¶
Thanks heaps Liz for reading + and the nice review! :) Report Review
Hey Charlotte, I am here for the snowball fight! :)))
When I looked at your author's page, I just knew I had to read the Sirius story. >_>' I am weak like that. Anyways, it's cute and fluffy and for what's it worth - for a one-shot OC, Sienna is pretty likeable. I don't want to repeat other reviewers, but I, too, wanted to see the middle part. But otherwise, I enjoyed it pretty much. Especially the description at the beginning when she was watching Sirius. I think you got the thoughts that pass through a teenager's head when watching her crush pretty well. It was realistic.
And friends that betray your trust are the worst. I, too, would have been very angry if my friend did this, so I understand her reaction and scheming with James.
All in all, it was pretty entertaining. If you decide to expand it one day or add "the middle", tell me so I can reread it. ;)
Harley/Kaileena/Maya (multiple personalities disorder much xD)Author's Response: Hello Harley/Kaileena/Maya! XD
Haha personally this story is not my favourite, even though I love the Marauders. It makes me cringe at how bad it is√Ę¬Ä¬¶ anyway, thanks for saying it's cute + fluffy, I'm a very insensitive person, so it's good to hear I can at least write fluffy on paper :P
Hey - don't worry about being repetitive. I'm just so lazy I haven't yet been bothered to change it, but all these reviews are definitely having an effect on me√Ę¬Ä¬¶
Thank you very much for everything; for reading + for the nice review! :) Report Review
I really liked your writing style, and the beginning was perfect! I just don't like that you skipped all the middle part, I would have loved to see how they did it. Maybe you could expand it one day? I'm sure you'd do a brilliant job =DAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! Lots of people (well many of the reviewers) have commented about the missing middle ground, which is something I cringe about every time I think about this story. I will definitely spend some time editing it, and maybe expanding it, but the point is, I absolutely agree with you. I'm not satisfied with it, so it's no wonder my reviewers aren't either!
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you so very much for reading and taking the time to review.
:) Report Review
I though the beginning was great, really. I did get into the story, but I think that how you skipped from the beginning to the end doesn't work. The best part of a story is seeing the development, and learning more about the characters. We didn't get to see how she ended up getting Sirius, or what happens with Kara, or anything else for that matter. We don't see how Sirius does end up falling for her, we only knew him as a player that only wanted one thing from girls. We don't get to see how he changes.
Anyway, I did like your writing, though! I just think you need a bigger plot, and this story has potential, really.
JackieAuthor's Response: Hey Jackie :)
First, thank you very much for reading and reviewing!
Second, you know what? I completely agree with you. I know I rushed through the whole story, and I shall spend the holidays editing it. Thank you very much for liking my writing! I'm always afraid that my writing is.. well, bad :P
Major thanks and cookies for reading and reviewing :D
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :) Report Review
What the he'll is it rated mature for it's bearly 12 my god!Author's Response: Well, thanks for the review.
It probably isn't as mature as the other mature stories, but I'm playing it safe - and I'm thinking of making this a multi-chaptered fic, so expanding it beyond a one shot. Report Review
So I really appreciate that your OC doesn't turn away when Sirius looks at her, but actually tries to affect him instead, because most everyone who writes a scene similar to that immediately sends both characters into a heat stroke of blushing and immediate turning away - so that was a nice change! I also like how James and Sienna help each other out, and Sienna's way of getting James alone was really original!
I do have a question, though - if Sienna's ex-best-friend is in love with James, why would she betray Sienna to date Sirius? I mean, it would be one thing if they had both been in love with Sirius and she simply made a move first, putting her feelings for him in front of her friendship with Sienna. It would also be fine if she was simply using Sirius as a ploy to win James, but then it wouldn't have been a betrayal because she could have just told Sienna the plan, so they could still be friends. I'm not sure why she would seriously date Sirius, though, risk her friendship with her best friend, and not be trying to win over James. Does that make sense? Also I wish we could have seen how James and Sienna go from being single to winning over Sirius and Lily... the story has a beginning and an ending, but seems to be completely lacking any middle ground - and you seem to have a lot of original ideas, so I would be curious to see what you'd come up with as far as winning over the people they love!
Anyway, just a few little mind-cookies for you, haha - still a good story, regardless of the critiques! Thank you for writing!
xTanyaAuthor's Response: Hey!
Thank you so much for the lovely, long review! :)
I'm glad you thought that was a nice change. I was trying to keep it realistic. Thanks!
I think I made the plot a bit confusing. Sienna's ex-best friend knew Sienna liked James, and told James about it.
I think you're completely right with the 'has a beginning and ending' but no middle ground' because I did rush it. I wanted it to be a one shot, but obviously the plot could go in a lot more depth. I could probably turn this into a novel if I wanted to, but I'm terrible with novels! I might try though... sometime...
Thank you so much! I love cookies :) especially mind-cookies ;)
Thank you - for the critique and the lovely review! I really appreciate it!
- charlotte // maskedmuggle
This is a really good start! Not to mention I'm finding it hilarious beacuse your story and my story are pretty much backwards XD Instead of your character going to James for help, James goes to my character :) Anyway, I'm really interested to see where you take this! Keep it up!Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you very much :D
Haha sounds awesome. I'll take a look at yours if I get the chance!
Thanks! Your review made me smile! :)
- Charlotte Report Review
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