Reading Reviews for Twice the Price
  
27 Reviews Found

Review #1, by xtinjsc The Serpent Followers

9th September 2010:
Hello, Johanna!

Do I still have to introduce myself?? Haha

Oh my. The first couple of sentences of this was really horrible! *shudder* Good job writing that! Although, I was slightly distracted by some phrasing a little bit. Like: A child sat on the floor, their knees pulled up to their chest and their face covered by their hands. 'Child' and 'their' seemed incongruent. Maybe:A child sat on the floor, his knees pulled up to his chest and his face covered by his hands. --> assuming that the child is male, of course. Haha.

Oooh. A secret organization, eh? I wonder why they have 'flowers' in their name. Haha. Of course, you can't possibly reveal that, but, as always, I thought I'd mention it anyway. But there seem to be only five of them though, am I correct? If that's the case then it's also possible that the group was relatively new then. And Roland, Lucius and Alecto seemed to be the leaders too. Not too sure about Alecto though. From what I read about her in the books, she's not very smart. Nasty, but not that bright, which is always, always a very bad combination.

Can I just say, you're really improving with the technical stuff, Johanna! Kudos on your use of commas. This chapter has improved a lot from the previous ones, and it really made the flow of the story a lot smoother. I didn't notice as many errors, which is always good! *hug* There were still some that needed some punctuation love though, especially with the dialogues, but they're fewer than previous chapters, so good job! But you know me, right? I will still point some out to you, if you don't mind. Just those things that jumped at me, as I was reading.

... inner pocket of her school robes and handed (them to) Lucius.

Veradis saw that he was very alike Athan. --> this is all very wonky to me. Maybe something like: Veradis saw that he was very much like Athan. OR Veradis saw that he was very similar to Athan. Just some suggestions for ya!

"Yes, so it's simple; you two," Lucius said... --> I think it's best if you just change the semicolon to period, and start a new sentence instead. Makes it more pleasing to the eye, see? ^_^ (Oh, yes, I'm all about the outside appearance. Teehee. :P)

Be careful with some of your dialogues, btw. Some of them were written incorrectly. Like this one: "We all know about your feelings for Narcissa, Lucius." Roland said. ---> that period after 'Lucius' should be a comma. There were quite a few of them around, but not that many too be distracting. Just wanted you to know, so you can change them the next time you edit. ^_^

Also, when Roland gave Athan and Veradis a 'thud in the back' I was a little bothered. Haha. I don't think 'thud' is the appropriate word to use. Did you mean to say 'pat in the back'? I'm not quite sure.

I kind of like Athan. He seemed like a decent bloke to me. That moment when Vera looked at him and saw that he was also frightened with that horrific scene with Alecto Carrow gave me the impression that he at least had some conscience. But seeing that there was no mention at all about him in canon, I have a horrible theory that he will die. Eeeep! Ignore me. I'm probably theorizing again. Haha. And I'm impressed with your characterization of Lucius as well. He's a sneaky little devil, and it's so much just like him to exploit his brother like that. Look at what he's done to Draco! That being said, I was a little confused with how he reacted when Alecto teased her about Narcissa, though. It contradicted the impression I got for him. Surely, he didn't care more about Narcissa than Athan, did he?

The ending to this was brilliantly written. Not quite a cliffhanger, but it gave enough mystery for readers to look forward to your next chapters. Good job! As always, I can't wait to read more! Woo! Finally done with chapter six! I hope I didn't miss anything. I'll see you around, Jols! *hugs* ^_^

Author's Response: Oh my Rowling! I can't believe I've left your review unresponded to for so long Tinny! I'm so sorry! I hope you'll forgive me! ):

The first couple of sentences were horrible? I'm going to take that as a compliment. ^^ I'm glad you liked it! I was afraid that the scene wasn't horrific enough for Veradis' and Athan's reactions, but it seemed like it was.

Yes, a secret organization! And when you say 'flowers' I hope you mean 'followers'. Because first when I read it I was afraid that I had mispelled followers somewhere and it would have been so emberassing (.< But I couldn't find any 'flowers' in the chapter. Hehe.

Yeah, I'm a little unsure about the characterization of Alecto. I think she is exactly what you say, stupid and nasty. But I feel like I've made her a bit too Bellatrix-y in this. But I'm not sure. I'll have to re-read it and see if I can fix it up.

As always, I'm grateful for your grammer advice! I'm actually getting a beta now, so hopefully you won't have too much to comment on in coming chapters. And, yes, I will write more to this story (I love it too much to give it up), it's just that RL has been a bit tough lately and sadly it's my fanfiction+time on the forums that has taken the blow. ):

I love your theories Tinny! I'm of course not saying anything, but they're really fun to read! And thanks for the compliments about Lucius' characterization! I really like writing him as a cold-hearted sneaky little devil. ^^ And the part about Narcissa feels odd to me too. I really should have fixed it before I posted, it really does seem weird. Mostly I was trying to get the fact that Lucius sort of likes Narcissa across. But I didn't do that all too well..

Again Tinny, thank you for a great review! I am so grateful for all the time you put into writing them! I hope to someday get the next chapter up (maybe during Christmas break?), but for the time being, I really don't know when. But I'll be sure to check out your review thread when I do. And, again, SORRY for breaking the record in slowest responding. -.-



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Review #2, by CheeringCharm The Serpent Followers

3rd September 2010:
OOoooh why do you have to have yet another cliffie, I'm getting all curious now. So exciting though! :) first part with Alecto was about how I was excpecting it to be actually, but very well written and you keep the reader engaged in the story all through it. I particulary like that you dont write out the plan, as it would have given it all a un-real feeling about it. great job! update soon! :D hugzz

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it!
Oh no, you were expecting the beginning part. :/ Okay, so it may or may not have been slightly obvious.
I'm glad it's interesting. And writing out the whole plan would have so given a lot away! >:D Muahaha, I love being mysterious! ^^
Hugs and


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Review #3, by xtinjsc The Gargoyle's Secret

1st September 2010:
Hello!

First of all, thank you for dropping by my review thread again! Yaay! I can finally finish what I started. What can I say, Twice the Price is starting to grow on me. :P

A cliffhanger? Oh no...

Okay, this is the first time it has happened, so I feel like I have to point this out to you. The first paragraph of this bothered me a bit. You might want to consider re-phrasing some parts of it or better yet, add some punctuations, because it's quite overwhelmig to read the first time. For me, at least. Haha. Just a suggestion. ^_^

Teehee. The nerd that I am, I researched (and by research I mean googled :P) the tarot card The Chariot and Strength. Just as I suspected, your descriptions are per-fect. I'm really impressed! You seem to put a good amount of thought and effort into your writing, Johanna - something that I'm sure I cannot say to stand true with other writers on this site and I really, really admire you for it! Great job! Go, Hufflepuff! (Sorry, just had to say it :P)

I like the way you made Vera always on the edge. Like that scene when she made a joke during Divination and she was afraid that it would be so out of Val's character to do that? Brilliant. I mean, she can't really be lax about it, can she? Haha

I was slightly surprised by the mention of Lucius on this. I was convinced in the beginning that he's out of the picture, replaced by Athan Malfoy. Silly me, I should've known Lucius can't be the only Malfoy then. And speaking of Athan, btw, I like his name and I'm intrigued by him. I gave up on Val already and now Athan's the new object of my curiosity. Haha. But now you've left us a cliffie and I can't wait for more!

And secret entrances and secret lairs = love. Man, this story is really getting more and more interesting, isn't it? At first I was expecting them to be on the Chamber of Secrets or something but I stopped my imagination from running too wild again. I like how you placed the entrance, btw. Easily accessible but very obscure nonetheless. Gah! What are they doing in there? I know you can't tell me but I just thought I'd ask anyway. :P

As you might have noticed, I wasn't so picky and specific on this review as I was on the previous chapters. The thing is, I didn't really find any glaring grammar, punctuation etc. errors on this one. There were some (like I mentioned, the first paragraph) but not that bothersome enough for me. I'm sure your future Beta would point them out better for you. I still stand by my previous advice to you though, about reading the story out loud to yourself and finding out where the pauses should be placed, then adding punctuations. It's really effective. ^_^

Okay, so that's it for another review from me! As always, feel free to revisit my thread again anytime, especially when the other chapters are posted, I'd love to continue this for you. Keep writing! ^_^

Author's Response: Hi again Kristine (yes, I stalked you on the forums (or more like checked your About Me page) and found out your name)! :D

So I read the paragraph that you were referring to and I definately see what you mean, there is definately a need for some full stops there. Thanks for making me aware of it. :)

Yes, go Puffs! Yes, I had a lot of fun researching tarot cards (though it wasn't the most thorough research). I'm glad you took the time to check it out! I really liked the use of tarot cards in HBP and the way Trelawney (obscurely) predicted Dumbledore's death so that's where I got the inspiration.

I'm glad that you liked that Vera was on her edge because I was a little worried that it would become boring, so I'm glad that you thought it was appropriate.

Yup, good old Lucius makes a few appearances, tihi, I'm looking forward to you reading it because I'm sort of excited about hearing what people think of his characterization (not that it's super-special or anything) and some other characters that appear later on.

Yay, you like Athan! I'm sort of fond of him as well. :D Someone reviewed saying that they thought some of the names were a bit far-fetched and I guessed that they were partially referring to Athanasius which is a weird name, but I'm sort of proud of it as it's easy to make a nickname out of and fits well with Lucius.

Yes, the secret entrance part was fun thinking out where it would be and how it would look and so on. :) I'm glad you like it and don't think it makes the story unrealistic. And it was really fun letting Val mention it in chapter 2 and be all mysterious about it! :D

:O I just realized that I forgot to do that read-it-out-loud thing with the next chapter and it's already in the queue. :( I'll do it with the next chapter though, promise! And I'll do it when I come back and edit the previous chapters.

Again, thanks for another review! I'll be sure to come back once the next chapter is validated!
-Johanna


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Review #4, by xtinjsc The Diary

29th August 2010:
Hello!

Thank you for that delicious cookies you gave me last time, btw. I really enjoyed it. Haha

I love this chapter. The title was very intriguing. And you seemed to have less technical errors on this one than the previous two (as I said, your first chapter was impeccable ^_^). If you don't mind, I won't be as specific with those this time, because I'd like to focus more on those things that really registered to me while reading this.

First, I like that classroom scene with Flitwick. Haha. You wrote the professor's character really well, so good job! And I was so relieved when she got pass that first lesson safely. I also sensed something going on about her and Rabastan, I think he likes her. But that's probably just me. I have this tendency to over-interpret things sometimes, so you can just ignore me. Haha

I'll be extremely nitpicky now and tell you that the Slytherin table was actually on the immediate left of the Great Hall when you enter from the hall entrance and face front (the door's on the side wall, not like the movies where they placed it on the end of the long hall). Of course, it's also possible that you were describing the lay-out from where the teacher's table was located, so you can just ignore me on this (again). Haha. Good call on the Charms classroom though! ^_^

I notice a few typo's like anthing (anything)... a a couple of students (remove one 'a')... none the less (one word).

For the most part, I like the way you combine words. Your phrasing is really good, especially on that part where you described the drawings in Val's diary. The small hairs on my arms stood on end as I read about those *shudder*, so well done! But (Heehee, you know this is coming, right? :P) some of them also appeared wonky for me. Like this one for example: It was first there that something was written that seemed to directly refer to Valentina. --> you can try re-phrasing this into something like:

It was on that page that she saw something that seemed to refer directly to Valentina for the first time.

I've decided to let go of harrying you to tell me Valentina's secret for now :P. But there's this other thing that's really bothering me a little. From what I read so far, it seemed like Val snuck out of Hogwarts, fetched Vera from her place, changed their appearances, told Vera about herself, went back to Hogwarts with her sister - this all happened in one single day, right? That seemed a little, I don't know, unlikely? How can people from the castle, especially Narcissa, not notice Valentina being gone the whole day? Well, it could be possible that their relationship don't usually involve that kind of curiosity for each other, but I'm not sure. Something about it seemed a little off to me. You might have an explanation for it, I'm sure, so I'll just leave it at that for now and wait for more interesting things to unfold. I just thought I'd let you know. ^_^

What I loved most about this chapter was the discovery of the diary itself, because we finally got to know Val better. Boy, she really did have a lot of issue, didn't she? And I researched the surname Gamp, as you suggested, btw. So, they're related to the Black family, eh? Hmm. Very curious. Was that, in any way at all, related to this story? Haha. I'm definitely getting more into this now. And that message that Val wrote... you seemed to have a lot of secrets to tell us! I'm so excited to read more of this.

But, alas, this is my final review for now. I'd love to continue reviewing Chapter 5, really, but I think that would be unfair to the other people on my review thread, because I did say I'd only review four chaoters. If you want me to go on though, please feel free to re-request. Now that I finished reviewing this chapter, there would be a slot open again. I really enjoyed reading this and you seemed to be the fastest one to respond on my reviews among the people on my review list, so I'm sure I'll get to you sooner than you think! *wink* Thank you for requesting and I'll see you around, Johanna! ^_^

Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked the cookies as they were baked with lots of cyber-love! ^^

I'm glad you liked the chapter! It's also the longest one yet as the rest of the chapters tend to be quite short.

I'm glad you liked the lesson! I had a bit of writer's block upon writing it, but I finally managed to type it up. About Rabastan liking Val/Vera, I'm not going to say it's wrong, but I did have to go and reread parts of the chapter because I hadn't thought of it that way. Interesting observation!

Thanks for the pointers on phrasing and about the Great Hall. For some reason I've always had a hard time picturing it since I saw the first 5 movies before even opening one of the books (one of the biggest regrets of my life) and the movie version of how things look are sort of stuck in me. Maybe someone's made like a picture in paint of how the book version of the Great Hall looks like and put it up on the web. I'll have to look that up.

Thanks for compliments on the diary as it was really fun to write and there will be more of it later on. About no one noticing Valentina not being in the castle for a whole day, I do have an explanation, though I'm not sure how satisfactory you find it. ^^ First off, it was a Sunday, so no lessons. Second, I imagine that Valentina is someone who often seeks solitude and her friends would be used to her sneeking off. They wouldn't understand it (except possiby Narcissa) and would have asked about it in the beginning, but by now they would have gotten used to it and know that they aren't going to get an answer from Val.

I'm explaining this now because there porbably won't come an explanation in the story itself unless more people ask about it. :)

Also, I have now posted a topic on the forums asking for a beta so with any luck I'll have one soon! :)

Thanks again for all your reviews! They really are superb! I will most likely re-request, but I'll wait until I have a few more chapters validated so I don't clog up your review thread with lots of requests. ^^

Thanks again!
-Johanna


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Review #5, by crumpelhornedsnorcack The Gargoyle's Secret

28th August 2010:
Thinks its sooo good can't wait to read the rest. I'm totally impressed (which I've now told you like a million times).
I love the way that she gets closer to her sister without actually being with her... seems to me though as if Athan has some sort of a crush on her? would be interesting how that would work out with a sister(a):P
cliffhanger!! ah, how will i survive? no seriously please update im so curios! :D or maybe not a happyface...?
hugzzz

Author's Response: Hey!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! :D
Yeah, you might be on to something with the Athan thing, but soon a lot of things are going to start to happen and Vera won't really have a lot of time for crushes. ;)
I promise to update as soon as possible! :)

*hugsys*
-Johanna


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Review #6, by xtinjsc Slytherin Common Room

27th August 2010:
Hello, Johanna! ^_^

The House Cup already ended, right? Gosh! I'm sooo excited to be sorted! I can't wait to see the Ninja Lair! Haha

I agree with you that a Beta could really help you improve this story. As I said, you have a very interesting idea for this and to have someone to proofread would be great! You don't really need to change a lot, so a thorough reader would be fine, just to check on the details and all. I promise, you'll learn a lot of useful things from a Beta not only about the technical stuff like grammars etc. but also with your writing. Having another person's perspective can really be an eye-opener. Go for it! Having said that, I think I'll be less thorough on this chapter than I was on the previous two - no worries! I'd still point out some things, just not that specific *fingers crossed*.

So their surname was Gamp? Cool! And again, very nifty of you to reveal that on the third chapter rather than on the first. I always like authors who use variety in the way they introduce their characters. Some had this tendency to cram all the introduction in one chapter (usually the first) when they can spread it out a bit - it makes it easier for readers to get to know and remember the characters, see? Especially OC's. Good job!

A few typo's: pitch-black, light-source, over-look (remove -)

Veradis had(,) since she had first heard of the castle that was Hogwarts(,) dreamt of walking its corridors...

Below them stood suits of armour lined up and between them hung alight torches. --> I think you can consider rephrasing this. Maybe:

Below them, suits of armour were lined up, while light torches hung between equal intervals. --> or something like that.

...inside their painting before Veradis had disturbed them where(should be were) now demanding...

Finding the staircase was(,) however(,) not as easy...

Oh, I have a trivia for you, btw. I just learned this recently but the Brits don't use the past participle 'gotten' - they only use 'got'. Haha. I use 'gotten' in my story myself and I was really surprised when someone from the forums pointed it out. Just thought I'd share. ^_^

Vera (can I call her that?) is very smart, isn't she? And intuitive too. I mean, she was able to recognize Narcissa right away and the other Slytherins as well. Very nice. She needed that to pull the switch off. On a totally useless side note, if I'd be in her shoes, I probably wouldn't recognize Narcissa. I'm rubbish with remembering people's faces. ;P

...laughing a carefree laugh. --> a bit redundant, maybe change it to a simple 'with a carefree laugh' instead?

...discussing the day(')s events...

That part when Veradis was afraid she'd end up on the boy's dormitory instead seemed out of place. The twins planned this very carefully and I think the location of the dormitories seemed very basic and crucial to be missed out. Again, just my opinion. ^_^

And I love the way you described the Slytherin dormitories. I've always been curious with what they may look like, and your idea about the sleeping quarters being on a corridor is very clever. They were, after all, located in the dungeons. It makes sense to lay out the rooms like that, as opposed to the Gryffindor set-up where the rooms where located on various floors of the tower. Good call!

Can I just say, I really like your style with how you develop your characters. I had this impression that you've given this a lot of thought, which is always, always good! I'm not really fond of stories who rush with plot and character development. As a reader, it is always important for me to have this connection with the protagonist (especially OC's), because it makes me enjoy the story even more. And you've done a very good job with that so far, so keep up the good work!

Okay, three chapters done, and I'm really looking forward to reading the next! I'm excited for Veradis! (and I hope I can read more about Val as well. I must admit, I'm still very curious about her. ^_^)

So. can I have my cookies now? I do love them cyber cookies! Nom nom... *drools* ^_^

Author's Response: *Hands plate with freshly baked chocolate chip cookies* Thanks again for the review! Yes the House Cup is now over and I'm looking forward to some more fellow ninjas! :)

So, I will probably put up a topic on the forums for a beta soon! :) It will probably help me! :)

Yup, Gamp! Yeah, I don't like those intro chapters either, they're a bit overwhelming and just boring to read. Btw, if you like Harry Potter trivia, google 'harry potter gamp' and recieve a bit of background info. ;)

Thanks again for pointing out those errors! And they don't use 'gotten'? Okay, I'll have to remember that..

Feel free to call her Vera! In the beginning I had her being called Vera (and Valentina Val) in the narrative, but I decided against it because then her full name would next to never be used since no ever uses her name (except for Val in the first two chapters).

Yeah, I was thinking about Vera recognizing Narcissa and the boys so quickly and wondering if it seemed unrealistic.. I couldn't really convey from your review if you thought so or not.. However, I think Vera and Val would have talked a lot about Val's friends and so on.

You are absolutely right about her not knowing about which dormitory was which was a bit weird seeing as they had gone over things in such detail.. I'll probably have to rewrite that when I get the time.

Thanks for compliments on my style! Yay! I admit that I have planned out the chapters after what happens in them and just let the characterization part come naturally. Or at least what the readers know of Vera as what the readers know of Val is directly related to how much Vera knows and that part was planned more carefully. Okay, I'm rambling now. :P

As always I look forward to your helpful reviews! Thanks again!
-Johanna


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Review #7, by xtinjsc The Tunnel in the Rock

27th August 2010:
Hello, Johanna! ^_^

I know what you mean about how few the Hufflepuffs are on the forums. The ninjas were always underappreciated, but you know, I always had this suspicion that some of the people from other Houses secretly wants to be a Puff. Haha. Oh, well. Onto the proper review...

The part where their parents refused to heal Veradis with magic really revealed a lot of their family dynamics and possibly her childhood. Very nifty of you to do that! Haha. Their family reminds me of Neville's a little bit. But Neville's family would not shun him, I think. His grandmother may be a bit pushy but she loved him dearly. Veradis' parents, however, they seemed a bit cruel, don't you think? The could also have the same Pureblood mania that Sirius' family had. Okay, I'll stop my theorizing now.

I like the fact that I saw more of Valentina on this chapter, as I said I'm curious about her. Haha. She's very, er, gothic, isn't she? With the black make-up and tattoos. Good call though, because you managed to show how different the twins really are. I like it. Good job! I also had this sense that Veradis is a very independent person, albeit appearing rather shy in the beginning. I'm not yet sure. Gah! You're really good with this whole 'keeping the characters interesting' stuff. Haha. To the nitpicky things then (You know I had to do this, right? Haha ^_^)

...former you right next to you, Veradis thought to herself--> the 'you' sounded redundant. Maybe change the first one to 'self' instead?

Harry Potter terms like Polyjuice Potion (should be capitalized)

Valentina only lived there during the summers (omit 's') and Veradis had lived with their Muggle aunt(,) Tara(,) since her eleventh birthday(,) when her parent's suspicions of her being a (S)squib had turned (out to be) true and they had shunned her from the family.

She had been married to their Uncle Theo until Theo (redundant, you can change the second 'Theo' to 'the latter' instead) had underestimated the strength of a Hippogriff while on a hike with a friend and died, (omit the comma) nine years ago. --> this is so funny! lol. Love Hippogriffs!

But their parent's house was the safest place that Valentina had been able to think of for them to meet at(,) and their parents were conveniently visiting friends in Wales at the moment, so the large house was free to('for' instead or 'to') the twins' disposal.

When Veradis was finally starting to feel normal again(,) she looked up and was startled to see what must have been the village of Hogsmeade. --> I know Veradis might've heard about Hogsmeade from Val, but I think you should mention that in the paragraph too, just to be clear. Same with how she got to know that she was seeing the Shrieking Shack. That's just me, of course. You can totally ignore this if you want. Haha

A run on sentence: Veradis' excitement was once again high when she climbed down a few minutes later, having stared at the castle which it had been her dream to visit ever since the right to had been taken from her on her eleventh birthday when her sister had received an acceptance letter while Veradis' had shined(should be shone) with it's(should be 'its') absence. --> this was all very overwhelming to me the first time I read it. Maybe:

Veradis' excitement was once again high when she climbed down a few minutes later, having stared at the castle she had been dreaming to visit ever since the right to do so was taken away from her on her eleventh birthday, when her sister had received an acceptance letter while Veradis' shone with its absence.

...the caution she had showed (should be 'shown')before...

...a tunnel leading from the rock away from the mountain. --> I was a little confused with this. Maybe you meant 'inside the mountain'? I'm not sure. Haha. On a side note, I was completely intrigued by this. I love secret entrances!

"Everyone needs an escape-route," --> remove hyphen on escape route

...because suddenly(,) Veradis didn't seem to be able to wait any longer,(can be a semicolon or a period) her biggest adventure yet (was) lying ahead of her.

...Valentina instructed, Veradis nodding that she had understood before continuing to truckle herself through the hole --> this seemed a little off as well. Maybe change the comma after 'instructed' to a period and just start a new sentence? If you do that, you can change 'nodding' to 'nodded'.

You whisper in it's(should be its -- it's is just a short version of 'It is' ) ear...

Veradis was(,) however(,) in a haste... --> or you can also rephrase this into 'However, Veradis...'

...looking back at her sister, who's(should be whose) face...

End of the boring stuff. Okay, so I've read through the previous reviews for this chapter and I know you meant Val to be a mystery for now but I'm just so curious! She definitely had her own reasons why she allowed he sister to go through with this! I'm very, very excited to know. I have a few theories though. ;P Oh and the 'I love you' in the end just melted my heart. I was like 'Aww. Veradis, how could you not hear that??' She should have heard it, you know. It was very sweet. Haha.

That ends my review for the second chapter! Yaay! I'll see you on the third then. I really, really enjoyed reading this! And I'm looking forward to reading more. ^_^

Author's Response: Hi again! :D
Yes, we ninjas are a bit few, but I also get the impression that the other houses are secretly jealous of our pufftastic ninja-awesomeness! ;)

Yes, the twins are very different to each other. Veradis isn't really shy or anything like that, she's just, I don't really know how to phrase it, but she just feels unsure. Of herself, of where she belongs, of her sister. She couragous and has high morals and ambitions, but she just doesn't know where she belongs. She's sort of stuck between the Muggle and the magical world, being an outsider in both worlds if you know what I mean?

The same can sort of be said about Val, but she's stuck between different things. She doesn't really fit in either, but you'll understand more of this later on, especially in chapter 4 and beyond.

Val and Vera's family can sort of be compared to the Blacks, having the pureblood mania. Having a Squib in the family just wasn't exceptable. Yes, cruel is probably the best word to describe it with.

I'm sorry about keeping Val as a bit of a mystery, but in my opinion it's one of the things that makes this story interesting. I am quite sure you won't know everything about her until the very last chapter. ;)

So all the grammer an punctuation mistakes I had were sort of overwhelming. I have been thinking about getting a beta so I can get rid of this sort of stuff and am thinking more and more that it'll be a good idea.

I'm really glad you are enjoying this story as I certainly am enjoying writing it (though I'm having a bit of writer's block writing chapter 7 :P). Thanks again for a lovely long review and I'll see you in the next chapter. ;)

-Johanna


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Review #8, by xtinjsc Act The Part

26th August 2010:
Hello!

It's me again! I remember I reviewed one of your stories before, Turnips and Treacle Tart, right? Haha. Thank you for requesting on my thread. And I noticed that you're a Puff! I plan to join you guys when the House Cup is over so yaaay! So, for the real review...

The first thing I noticed about this fic is the name of your main character, Veradis. I'm a sucker for name origins and meanings, and her name seemed very unusual to me, so the nerd that I am, I googled it. Haha. So, Veradis can either mean 'truthful' or 'faithful', yes? Good catch, considering that the premise of this story is based on deception. Very clever of you!

You indicated that you were concerned about characterization. Well, considering that the main character is an OC, and this is only the first chapter, there's not much I can say for now. From what I gathered so far though, I think that Veradis is the more emotional of the twins. You know how Fred and George may seem very similar to each other, but if you take a closer look at their personalities, you'll realize that George is the more subdued, thoughtful one? I got the same impression with the twins for this chapter. And Veradis is the female George in my mind. Haha. She also seemed, I don't know, meek? There were a lot of moments when she held back a retort, careful not to offend her sister.

As for Valentina, I'd love to read more about her. The girl seemed to have a lot of issues with herself. You briefly allowed her to describe herself to be reproachful, violent and suspicious, but I know there's more to her than that. I'm curious about her. She seemed to be living a double life, if you know what I mean. She obviously cared for Veradis enough to allow them to switch identities. I'm excited to see what will happen to Veradis in Hogwarts, she'll definitely learn more about her sister for sure!

Oh, yes, speaking of the switch, the whole reason behind it is something I'm not yet very sure of. I got the impression that it was Veradis' idea, that she wanted to experience the Wizarding World for herself, so she asked Valentina to let her go to Hogwarts, but I could be wrong too.

To be honest I saw nothing wrong with this story, syntax and grammar-wise, at all. Tense was consistent, no glaring grammatical and punctuation errors... But I feel bad leaving such a positive review (yes, I feel bad when I do something good. Muahahahaha! :P) that I tried hard, more than the usual, to be picky with this and guess what? I found three:

...password to the common room.(,)" Veradis said.

'Squib' should always be capitalized. Pureblood is written as a single word (without the -).

You know that only meant your story is impeccable, right? Haha.

Plot-wise, I can't really tell for now (yet again) because this is only the first chapter, but the idea behind this, the whole switch thing - especially when the other twin's a Squib - is very, very interesting indeed! I'm looking forward to reading more about Veradis' adventure, which is exactly what you want your readers to feel after reading the introductory chapter. Good job! I'm looking forward to reading the next! ^_^

Author's Response: Hi!

Of course I remember! ;) May I just say that you leave insanely good (and I don't mean good as in fluffy and positive, but as in, you know, helpful) reviews! And YAY! Another puff! There are too few of us. :/

Yay! You're the first one to look up the meaning of Veradis! So, I'm usually not one to brag, but I am seriously proud of that name. I really love how it sounds and the meaning just fits so well into the story in a sort of ironic way since Veradis will be forced to lie a lot as she gets to Hogwarts.

Yeah, I would definately say that Veradis and Valentina are very different. I think you learn exactly how different further into the story. Veradis is sort of careful about what she says to her sister knowing that she easily gets offended and I think Veradis has always looked up to and had a sort of respect for Valentina seeing as she's the magical one of the two.

Well, Valentina. She sure has issues. And not only with herself. But my lips are zipped from telling you any more! However I must say this...
She seemed to be living a double life, if you know what I mean.
That sentance is so...on to something.. Hehe. I love being all mysterious. >:)

Thanks for the grammar pointers and I am always very happy when people say that my grammar is good since I am not a native english speaker. I will keep what you pointed out in mind whenever I go back and edit this chapter.

Yeah, I guess the plot part is more for later. I also know what you mean about feeling bad about leaving too positive reviews. I feel like there should be something that I can help them with. And you found something! Thanks again! I'm really glad you're looking forward to reading more and I am definately looking forward to hearing what you think. ;)

Thanks again!
-Johanna


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Review #9, by itzy The Gargoyle's Secret

20th August 2010:
ahh i want to know what happens next!!
please write more i love this story.
its one of the best :)(:

p.s. oh and i love the way the 5th chapter ends ahah all suspicious(:

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the wonderful review! I will try not to keep you hanging for too long and be sure to update as soon as possible!
-Johanna


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Review #10, by almonster The Gargoyle's Secret

18th August 2010:
Ohmigosh a cliffie! Great story so far. I like your characters a lot. If Veradis wasn't a squib I'd say she'd be a good Gryffindor. I like Athan, he seems fun. I got nervous when Veradis made the joke in divination but then he laughed and I was like phew! I also like Narcissa, but Athan may be my favorite so far. I can't wait to see what happens next because I have no idea! :P

~alex

Author's Response: Yay! It always makes me really happy when people say that they want to know what happens next because that is exactly what I want you to feel! >:D

Yes, I also picture Vera as a Gryffindor had she ever been sorted. Yeah, isn't Athan sort of cool? I think so too.. But knew sides of him will show later on. duh-duh-duh!!

Thanks for the review!
-Johanna


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Review #11, by CornishPixie The Tunnel in the Rock

18th August 2010:
Oh my, isn't Val acting all mysterious? I like that you give us just enough information and just enough of her words to think, ''What the devil is going on, here?"(AVPM reference? I think so.)

Anyways, one thing that might improve this chapter a bit could be the inclusion of a bit more dialogue. When things are happening, I know that it's almost easier to describe things. And while the descriptions were well-written, it might be a bit more interesting to say something like 'Veradis noticed the pale scar beside her sister's eye for the first time just as her twin was casting a concealing charm on it. "How'd you get that?" She asked curiously.'

Do you know what I mean? It almost gives the opportunity for a chance for a small interesting story or something. In any case, it's just an opinion.

What I REALLY like about this chapter, is the very beginning. I Love the explanaition about identical twins not being identical anymore because of life things. They do have different experiences. They are going to look different. This happened with my Uncles, who were twins. In pictures of when they're young it's impossible to tell them apart, but it got easier as they aged for that very reason.

Thank you for being realistic! And for Val's mysteriousness. I really want her to meet that gargoyle! lol. Thanks for another great chapter!

Author's Response: Yay for another great review and AVPM references (don't we just love 'em?)!

I'm glad the suspense is still on and that you're not feeling 'OMG, this is sooo obvious!'. Though I'd be sort of impressed if you were thinking that. :P

I know what you mean about the dialogue part and I sometimes find it hard to get the right balance of description and dialogue. Sometimes it feels like I'm writing too much dialogue and too little description (people have said this about the first chapter) and sometimes I feel like I'm just giving descriptions and describing events and forgetting about the dialogue. So, yeah, I definately know what you mean! Thanks for suggesting it. I'll keep that in mind when writing coming chapters and when I get the time to edit the earlier ones.

I'm glad you liked that part. I was rewriting it a couple of times and thinking 'Does this even make sense?', but apparently it did. :)

Thank you for another great review and a gragoyle may or may not make an appearence later on in the story, but that's all I'm saying! ;)
-Johanna


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Review #12, by CornishPixie Act The Part

18th August 2010:
Hmmm, this sounds like it can definitely shape up to be a very interesting story. It seems kind of random that they would want to switch places for a week, and by that I mean that there really isn't any real reason given. Yes, I do understand Veradis' feelings that this could be her only chance to visit the castle, but I can already tell that Val doesn't seem like the generous sort of person to just agree and give her sister that chance. This makes me wonder what else might be going on...dun dunn dunnn! lol

But I DO like this idea about how to get a squib at Hogwarts. I'm sure that once you signed onto this challenge there were only a certain amount of 'plausible' ways in which to get this squib in the castle, but I like this one. And I've never read anything like it before. That is always a plus! Beginning with those questions was a very good idea! I enjoyed them. And I also think that stories that explain a twist like that in the summary should start it quickly, and this story definitely did that!

I'm on to the next chapter, because I have been made to want more! Good work!

Author's Response: Yay! I made you want more! That is exactly what I'm striving for!

Well, as you understand, Val does have her motives for switching with Vera but I'm not about to tell you about them! Muahahaha >:D

Yes, it's sort of limited to how to get a squib into Hogwarts and this one and having a squib teacher were the only that really came to mind and the teacher story both feels a little boring and done (Filch). I'm glad you haven't read something similar before as that's definately a good sign in my book. ;)

Yes, onto the action quickly is good in most Action/Mystery stories to get the reader interested and wondering from the start. I'm glad I succeeded!

Thanks for the great review! :)
-Johanna


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Review #13, by Grace The Gargoyle's Secret

17th August 2010:
I have to say, this is starting out as a really good fanfic! I love how you made Veradis a Squib; you do a great job of showing her frustrating of not being a wizard and her longing to be one without going over-the-top-angsty with it! The names of the characters are a little far-fetched but with the Next Generation it works! Keep up the writing!

Author's Response: I'm glad you are liking the story and I hope you continue reading!
I'm glad that Veradis doesn't come across as angsty because she isn't, but she does really want to be a witch, so I'm glad you liked the combination.
When it comes to the names I figured since Valentina and Veradis are both pure-bloods and pure-bloods often have complex names I thought I'd give them a couple of cool names too. ;) Athanasius is never called that except for perhaps his mother but is known as Athan and I think his name fits with his brother's (Lucius). Rabastan and Narcissa are canon names.

Thanks a lot for the review! :)
-Johanna


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Review #14, by absibi The Diary

13th August 2010:
I liked it :) update soon

Author's Response: Yay, I'm glad you liked it! I actually just sent in the next chapter for validation so it should be up in a few days! :)

-Jolly


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Review #15, by DarkLadyofSlytherin Act The Part

7th August 2010:
Hey There,
DarkLadyofSlytherin here with your review.

Let me tell you, when I saw the challenge posted about a squib attending Hogwarts I was really skeptical, because honestly how was a magically-disinclined person supposed to do magic at Hogwarts in the first place? Lets not forget that most of the studies the students take require some form of magic to complete. Theory alone can't save a person the humiliation.

That being said, the first chapter is an interesting take on how a squib might come to reside at Hogwarts for a short period of time. That is, assuming Veradis and Valentina are identical twin sisters - you never really say if they are or not. For the purpose of this fic to work, I'm going to assume they are.

Given that this chapter is so short, critiquing your characterization of Vera and Val is rather hard. You don't get much of a real look at them. Sure you get the sparing details of what Val is like at school, but not much else. You learn far more about Vera than you do her twin - and given that Vera is meant to be Val for a week, I believe it should be quite equal.

This chapter is very dialogue heavy with very little description to go on. I'm not normally one to enjoy fics with too much description or too much dialogue. I like a happy medium. I would have liked to have seen where the girls were - are they in a bedroom, living room, a car? What do they look like? Is one slightly taller than the other, is there a way to tell the two apart? That sort of stuff could definitely add to this chapter and give your characters more depth.

That being said, I believe this chapter flows well for what little there is. It doesn't move too fast nor too slow. With a few more detailed points it could make for an excellent prologue/first chapter.

I hope I've addressed all the points you wanted me to with this review. It was a good first chapter, and I hope you don't think I was being harsh with this review. It's meant to help not hinder.

Thanks for requesting,
~Len (darkladyofslytherin)

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!

I can understand how it seems unlikely for a person who can't do magic to be able to be at Hogwarts unnoticed, but I hope that these scenes seem realistic further into the story.

Vera and Val are identical twins, though being two different people with very different personalities they do not look very much alike anymore. This is explained in Chapter 2.

I understand what you mean about learning equally much about the two characters and I will try to see what I can do to give more hints as to who Val is in this chapter.

About the dialogue/description part, I also understand. Some people have said that they would have perfered less dialogue, while some thought it was refreshing and served its purpose. The purpose of this chapter is to introduce Veradis and Valentina and to tell the reader very generally what will be happening in further chapters. However, I may add more descriptions to this chapter in a later edit.

I am glad you liked the flow and I have taken everything you have said to heart and will be looking over this chapter to see what I can do to make it better.

Thank you for this very helpful review with a lot of good suggestions! Of course I do not think you are being too harsh. When receiving reviews (especially ones you've requested on the forums), you have to be ready for critique. :)

-Jolly


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Review #16, by propertyoftheHBP The Tunnel in the Rock

21st July 2010:
I'm really curious now as to what Valentina's motive for all of this is--obviously Veradis is doing it to get a taste of Hogwarts, but why is her twin? The last bit of the chapter makes me think that something is up between the Slytherins/Death Eaters/whomever, and maybe Valentina is using the opportunity to get away, though her sister is being put into danger? Her saying "I love you" at the end is what really made me think this--it seemed to me that she thinks there's danger for her sister, the "I love you" just appears to be a bit out of the norm from what I know of her.

Ah, I guess time will tell. :)

The entrance that Valentina showed Veradis is interesting--is it the passage that was caved in by the time the Trio was at Hogwarts?

Again, you've done a good job of pulling me in, and the characters are only getting more intriguing by the word. The flow was fine too, and the plot is moving along well. I just caught one sentence that seemed a little off to me, in my opinion:

"The mountain was easily climbed, despite it's steepness, with many cracks and small landings to put your feet."

The "your" near the end sounds a little too familiar for a third-person story, perhaps changing it to "...and small landings to put one's feet." would make it flow better.

That was the only thing that stood out to me though--otherwise, this chapter was as great as the last! Feel free to come back to my thread when a slot's open and rerequest for the next chapter(s). :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
I don't want to tell you much of what's going to happen, it would ruin the mystery!
About the passage, I think it's one of those that Filch knows about that the twins mention, but it could just as well be the one that gets caved in, but that's how it is in my mind.
Thanks for the advice, you're right, it does sound better with "one's".
Anyway, again thanks for the reviews, I will most likely be back at your thread once I get the coming chapters posted!

/Jolly


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Review #17, by propertyoftheHBP Act The Part

21st July 2010:
Hey there, it's propertyoftheHBP from the forums.

This looks really interesting so far--when I saw the challenge I wondered how in the world someone could make a story following it that would work, but it seems that you've been able to come up with an idea that could really happen.

Veradis and Valentina seem to be very interesting characters, indeed. I'm already wondering why Valentina is so withdrawn at school, not only because of Veradis's shock, but because she just seemed like such an uptempo person, if a bit sarcastic and negative. I felt bad for Veradis when I read the line about this being her only chance to be at Hogwarts--it'll definitely be interesting to see how Hogwarts takes to her, if only for a week. I like the names Veradis and Valentina for pure-bloods, as well.

The flow was good, and the length was good for a prologue. I liked how it almost just jumped into the action instead of introducing everything outright--you showed us, you didn't tell, which is always a plus. There were only a few grammar mistakes, so just reading the chapter over again would more likely than not fix them.

You asked on the forums if I would want to keep reading--definitely! Your plot has pulled me in, your characters are intriguing, and overall it's a great start to your story. On to the next!

Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the review!
First of all, I'm very glad you liked Val and Vera! I had a fun time naming them and developing their personalities.
Thank you so much for everything, I'm glad you liked the flow, length and also that I started with dialogue, I've recieved mixed thoughts about that.

/Jolly


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Review #18, by mooneylooney262 Slytherin Common Room

20th July 2010:
awww i wanted a chocolate chip hug...hehe just kidding, but anyways i am getting more and more anxious for her first day at hogwarts!! it will be really interesting to see what she does when she is supposed to be casting a spell, and i can't wait to see what friends she makes, because i am sure she won't really become close to her sisters friends...anyways thanks for such a fast update!! i can't wait for more! you are amazing!

Author's Response: Thanks again Ana! *hands cookie and gives big hug a la Mrs. Weasley*
I am going to try to update before the validators vacation. but the next chapter I'm having a bit of a hard time with, but I promise you that there will be at least one lesson in it and I'll have it up at the latest after the validators vacation!

Hugs/Jolly


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Review #19, by xxallisonxx Slytherin Common Room

19th July 2010:
I really like this story! I don't think I've ever read one like this. Very interesting. Update quickly, please! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Reviews are gold worth! I hope to update before the validators take their break, but I'm unsure if I'll make it, but I'm doing my best! :) *gives cookie and big hug*

/Jolly


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Review #20, by lilylunapotter26 Slytherin Common Room

19th July 2010:
Hi!
AGain another great chapter! I think this is very interesting and the story flows very smoothly. Your characters are so real! The way you described Narcissa mde me feel like I was there next to her. I think you've done a great job! You have a great story with interesting characters and a great plot! You're golden! good job!

Author's Response: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I really don't know what to more to say. *hands cookie and gives hug*

/Jolly


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Review #21, by lilylunapotter26 The Tunnel in the Rock

19th July 2010:
Hi again! Great job! I don't really think you need me! Your plot is really interesting and its a page turner. You really characterized Veradis and Valentina in this chapter. You gave their physical traits and that's important. This chapter flowed nicely from teh last chapter! Good!!

YAY! You gave a background on the characters! WHOO! That adds a lot of depth to the story! I can't wait to read the next chapter!!
-Graceyn

Author's Response: Yay! You liked this one too!
Thanks so much for the reviews, they make me really happy and motivated to keep writing! :D

/Jolly


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Review #22, by lilylunapotter26 Act The Part

19th July 2010:
Hi!
I think this story has a very interesting plot! Reader are always looking for something new. Most stories are very cliche. They all sound alike. This is very good. I think you've characterized your characters well!

This prologue definitely makes me want to keep reading. You make the reader want to keep reading because you want to find out what Valentina is hiding! It sounds great! So far so good! Great work!
-Graceyn

Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I am sooo glad you liked it!

/Jolly


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Review #23, by Sam Baxter Act The Part

19th July 2010:
Hello! Here with your review request from the forums. :)

This is the first time I've read a dialogue chapter like this, but it serves a purpose to leave a sense of wondering what's going to go on. When used to openers that are more description than conversation, it can be a bit jarring. It's a nice change to see, though, and a good way for you to give information about your characters ahead of time.

Flow-wise, I think this is a good start. Just enough information to give readers an idea of what's going to go on, but without blatantly stating what Veradis is going to be getting into once inside Hogwarts. Her sister's preparations come across as slightly suspicious, but I suppose that's the point. Make us WANT to know what deep and dark things are coming.

The dynamics between the sisters are also insightful, and leave the urge to know what they were like in the past. How they came to this point in their relationship, what started it all, etc. Strong start for future characterization.

In all, I'd like to keep reading to find out. Feel free to request further reviews for later chapters whenever you want.

Author's Response: Hi!
I have recieved some mixed feelings about starting a story or a chapter with dialogue and this chapter is almost only dialogue, but I'm glad you thought it surved its purpose.
My intention was, as you said, to get the reader to want to know what's going to happen and what motives Valentina has, so I'm glad you thought I succeded.
Characterizations are probably my favoutrite part of the process of writing stories so I'm always glad when people think it turns out good.
I'll be sure to be back at your review thread soon! Thanks again!

/Jolly


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Review #24, by Pepper Finn The Tunnel in the Rock

15th July 2010:
Pacing: Good pace - I can feel where this is going yet I'm not too impaitent to rush there, I want to see where you are leading me.

Spelling and Grmmar: I can not fault it. No akward sentances, no visable spelling mistakes. well done!

Characterisation: If Valentina is a Slytherin, why is she helping her squib sister? I get a feeling that she is more than meets the eye. I'm not really getting too much of a feel for either as this was more of a set up chapter than a big showy action chapter. But I can feel like they are still waters - running deep.

Flow - it seems to flow quite naturally from the previous chapter.


All in all a great start but it leaves me curious and wanting more and waiting for the next chapter. congratulations!

Author's Response: Yay, thanks for the review. From what you're saying it seems that I am making the general impression that I want to make.
Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! I may be back at your review thread once the next chapter gets validated ^^

/Jolly


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Review #25, by mooneylooney262 The Tunnel in the Rock

9th July 2010:
this story is getting better and better, even though valentina seems to have a bit of a bad girl exterier i am glad to see that she really cares about her sister even though she is a squib and their family seems to be a bit pureblood happy...anyways thanks for the great update!! can't wait for more! you are AMAZING!!! :)

Author's Response: A review! *smiles sheepishly*

Thanks Ana! :D I'm glad you like it! I'll be posting the next chapter before I go on vacation (e.g. soon) and I hope you read&review and like that one as well!
Thank you so much for the review!!!


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