OH MY GOD.
i was not expecting that twist at the end in the slightest! it was really good already - i love your writing in this, it's so realistic and paints such a detailed picture - but that twist just sealed the deal.
i had one of those real jaw-dropping moments. as in, literally, my jaw dropped open.
and that last line just - i can't explain it properly, it just worked, you know? and that Lorcan would go this far to test his fiancee - ARGH SO GOOD I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
this review was originally for the end of an era review thing, but i can tell already that i'd have reviewed this piece anyway. it just blew my mind.
Hyenni101, Slytherin (:Author's Response: Hahaha. That was the effect I was going for. Especially with that last line, you know? Like in a movie where the killer finds the victim's hiding place, he drops a line and the screen goes blank? That's what I was trying to re-create here in a way.
I've had a whole range of reviews when it came to this story and they make me second-guess myself sometimes. You've sort of encouraged me to keep it the way it is :)
Lorcan was having a really rough time. I'll admit, as one reviewer pointed out, more backstory was needed regarding Lysander and Molly. As for the rest of it, I think the unfortunate series of events led him to become rather unhinged and thus going to such lengths. Who knows what could've happened after.
Anyway, I'm thrilled you enjoyed this so much! It means a lot to me!
Lia Report Review
Here for your requested review (finally DX. I'm sorry I'm so late in doing this). In case you don't know, this is magicmuggle from TGS!
First things first, there were a couple of grammar errors, like this one:
'She made her choice, one which I never doubted but still hearing her utter those words left me reeling and I couldnít face her after that.'
'She had made her choice, one which I had never doubted. Still, hearing her utter those words left me reeling and I couldn't face her after that.'
I saw this was for the hooking first line challenge, and the beginning really was hooking! Good job, I immediately wanted to read on.
The plot was really well done, I loved how you weaved past scenes into the narration of the present - it worked really well, and I loved how you managed to keep it tense throughout. You left the reader wondering right up until the end whether he'd actually killed his twin. The twist was shocking, and really well done! The flow was perfect, - it didn't feel jarred at all.
I really liked the characterisation - there were enough differences between Lorcan and Lysander to make them into wholly seperate people. Molly was a little less fleshed out in my opinion, but still well written. Lysander (or was it actually Lorcan?) had a very distinctive voice!
That last sentence points to one of the two bits of CC I have for you. The twist works really well with the plot, but I was just slightly confused as to who was narrating.
The other is a much smaller piece of CC, but I'd love just a little more description of the room they're in. You don't really get a feel of where they are in the story.
Apart from those two things, this really is very well written, and a very gripping one shot. Well done!Author's Response: Hi Becca. It's okay, don't worry about it.
I think grammar will be the death of me, I swear, lol. There is always something! Thank you for pointing that out, I will ask someone else to look over this.
Haha, I'm glad you liked it. I wasn't particularly satisfied with it at the end but it fit in with the rest of the story very nicely.
A lot of people found the plot rather...confusing, to say the least. I've never written a story like this before so I guess they were right in what they said. The whole point of it really was to leave people wondering, perhaps even confused, hence the title. Even at the end, it's all a little unfinished because you never know what happened to Lysander and Molly afterwards *cues evil laugh* I'm pretty darn proud of that twist, to tell you the truth. How I pictured it was Lorcan saying those last works then a fade to black thing with horror music. The kind they play in Supernatural whenever they cut you off for an ad or something.
I'm glad you think so. I really do love the twins now, because of this. Ah Molly, you're not the first person to say that so that's something I will have to work on and ask for some help in. It was actually Lorcan pretending to be Lysander and actually doing a good job at it.
Yeahh, the last sentence. Hmm. Ok. I'll try to see if I can make it clearer. It was supposed to be Lorcan. I'm assuming you mean the room that Molly and Lorcan/Lysander are in?
Thank you so much for your review! It was nice and still helpful ^_^
i read you story to get a idea for story flow
how did he kill the men. need more dual
i read your story to became a bata reader for the flow part. you still need one for grammar part. Report Review
Well, I'm here with your extremely delayed review. One month, to the day, I believe. I apologize profusely for that.
On the other hand, this was a good story. Your hook was good, as the challenge suggested, and the ending was brilliant. It turned the whole story around. Very clever, and not something you see everyday. However, in the middle, the story had some holes in it.
The biggest hole being, why didn't Lorcan tell her at the beginning Lysander was just knocked out, and not dead? I understand why he wouldn't have told her it was Lysander, but you'd think any person would at least tell her he wasn't dead. I didn't quite get that part.
Another thing I noticed was that at the beginning, your flashbacks were a little too forward. One started "I still couldn't believe the day,". Maybe do something a little less direct, like, "I was surprised to meet her that day," or something similar. I also thought that it was a little odd that Molly wasn't more afraid of her fiancee's killer, but that may just have been me. She seemed like quite a character, you definitely showed that. The bit about her being "so bloody loud about it" showed her really well.
Also, a few grammar things. At least twice you ended a paragraph with a character speaking, then started a new paragraph with the character speaking. Like this:
"Lorcan never had an ounce of alcohol in his life."
"That's why I came over here tonight: to talk some sense into him."
That should look like:
"Lorcan never had an ounce of alcohol in his life.
"That's why I came over here tonight: to talk some sense into him."
When you end a paragraph with a character speaking and then have them say another paragraph, you skip the quotation at the end of the first paragraph. Finally, "defense" is spelled with an s, not a c, as you had it somewhere.
I feel like I shoved a lot of criticism in there, but you really did do a nice job. The ending was exciting, it really turned an ordinary story into an original one. I was excited to see what you did with it, I've never seen that done before. Overall, nice job, and sorry once again for the wait.
~lllbAuthor's Response: Helloo =]
It's no problem, really.
Hmm. Ok, let's start with the biggest hole. Actually, I would've assumed you would tell me about why Molly automatically assumed he was dead then didn't bother to check. That's what most people have told me but it's good to have someone point out something else for a change. To be completely honest with you, I didn't think of that. I just wanted him to explain himself. I figured if he told her that, then she would've gone over there to check and eventually find out that the motionless body was actually Lysander.
Well, actually that wasn't a flashback. At least it wasn't intended to be one. It was just Lorcan/Lysander's thoughts. Yep, Molly is quite a character indeed, lol. Behind those glasses and freckles is a girl who could be rash. I don't suppose she would be very afraid of Lysander because she knows he would never hurt her.
Oh my, thank you! I've always wondered about that! I used to see it in novels a lot but never adopted it. You're the first person to point that out to me ^_^. I'll take out those quotation marks...actually, I'll have to go through my fics now to change them.
Ugh...should've known better about that spelling. I'll change it, thanks.
Heh, it's constructive criticism so don't worry about it. The grammar tips really helped me out!
I'm thrilled that you liked my ending. I'm very proud of it.
Thank you for taking your time out to review. I appreciate itl
Hey there! I'm finally here with your review; sorry about the slight delay. Usually I'm much more punctual with these things.
I'll get my nitpicking out of the way first. I didn't really see any typos or anything of that sort, but one thing I did notice was your incorrect dialogue punctuation. In sentences like, "I licked my lips nervously, 'Right, well, you know things haven't been going well since our father died.'", where there is dialogue with a description of action before it, there should be a period after the description of the action but before the dialogue. So, it should be: "I licked my lips nervously. 'Right, well, you know things haven't been going well since our father died.'" And in sentences like, "'What the hell did you expect me to do?' I asked, suddenly growing angrier than I expected, 'Stand there and let him floor me?', where the second part of dialogue is a completely different sentence than the first part of dialogue, there should be a period after 'expected' and before the second part of dialogue. So it should be: "'What the hell did you expect me to do?' I asked, suddenly growing angrier than I expected. 'Stand there and let him floor me?'" I'm sorry if I'm utterly rotten at explaining this, but if you're confused there's a great topic on the HPFF forums that I recommend checking out; it's in the Writer's Resources forum under the Grammar Guidelines subforum and it's called "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dialogue". I know that I found it really helpful, at least.
I thought your hooking first sentence was really excellent, although it's rather humorous because it seems like so many of the entries I've read so far go for truly shocking subjects like death. I guess that's a foolproof method of getting a reader's attention, though ;) And I think your last sentence was just as incredible as your first; it literally made my jaw drop to the floor. I was definitely surprised by the ending.
The only real critique I have for you is how realistic it is. I thought it strange that Molly would immediately jump to the conclusion that Lorcan is dead. I liked that you had Lorcan acknowledge how odd that is, because that did somewhat minimize the bizarreness of it, but I think it would be a lot more realistic if Molly had reason to suppose that Lysander would kill Lorcan. I know she knows that Lysander loves her, but I think that maybe if her and Lysander had shared a kiss or done anything together it would make her belief of his desire to murder a lot more believable. Sorry if I'm not making any sense, but...yeah.
I was also a little puzzled by that last scene, when "Lysander" tells Molly how he found it odd that she jumped to that conclusion and then she suddenly decides to look down and see that his scar isn't there. I didn't really understand how "Lysander"'s words made her think to glance down, or if her eyes just suddenly jumped there randomly. And I'm still a little confused about what happened. I get that it was Lorcan posing as Lysander all along, but what I don't get is was he intending to kill Lysander and he just got interrupted by Molly and decided to kill them both? I guess I'm a bit slow sometimes, hah.
But, yeah, other than those criticisms, I really loved this story. I'm a huge fan of the few stories that manage to take some aspect of Harry Potter and make it horrifying, and for some reason people seem to have a proclivity for doing this with Next-Gen characters. I've read one other story where one of the Scamander twins killed the other over a girl, but this one definitely had more twists. I almost felt used at the end, because the whole time I was cheering for who I thought was Lysander because I just really didn't want him to be guilty, and then in the end I found out he was actually Lorcan and he was extremely guilty and I was sad. It's almost like Luna gave her children a different sort of craziness than hers - a much more dangerous one, at least.
And one thing that I really adored in this was your descriptions. Lysander...err...I mean, Lorcan. Ugh, confusing...the narrator's description of what he was doing coming to Lorcan's house after work sounded exactly like one of those alibis from old detective novels. He paid such excessive attention to detail in describing it that it was almost suspicious, y'know? His whole explanation about why he decided to walk just had me furrowing my eyebrows suspiciously. I'm now officially scared of twins, thanks.
Anyway, I think I've rambled on quite long enough. I did really enjoy this piece; the best thing about this challenge is how much variety I get in the entries. It's great! :D Thank you so much for entering, and be sure to check back after the deadline to see if you've won!
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Hey! First of all, don't apologise for being so late with this. I have to say, it took me a while to respond to it as well.
Ok, I checked out pennyardelle's thread on the forums about what you pointed out. Thank you so much, it was really, really helpful. I did have a beta tell me the same things but not for this particular story. I'll look over this in a while and change those.
Ahahaha, yeah my first sentence. It was the first thing that came to my mind then when the story was finished, I wanted to change it. I couldn't find anything else that could have fitted in there so nicely though. My ending however, I'm rather proud of. I imagined it like a movie playing out in front of me where after Lorcan said his line, there would be one of those sounds you hear in the scary part of a movie before the screen when blank, lol.
Realism - Yeah, you do make sense. You're not one of the firsts to mention that either. In fact, 4 out of five of the reviews I've had, mentions it. *sigh* I suppose Molly could be known for being overly dramatic. What else was she supposed to think after walking in and finding someone standing over an motionless body?
I was worried about that part too, where Molly looks down to see that there's no scar on his chest. I had included the bit about the scar earlier up in the chapter but too me, it sounded as if I quite literally stuck it in. What I meant in that particular scene was for Molly to recognise something in his tone. I'll admit, it was supposed to be in italics as well.
The thing about that little flashback is that it was true, all up to where Lorcan said he and Lysander had a fight. That's what happened. That's how Lysander happened to be there on the floor with his brother standing over him with a wand. It wasn't his intention to kill his brother either.
Lysander was very much alive when Molly came in. I suppose though, Lorcan got rather bitter at the fact that she didn't check to see if he were alive or not. And he did find out how his brother felt about Molly. As I mentioned to you before, everything included in the flashback was true. Lorcan just added in a bit more, like you said, it was suspiciously descriptive.
As I explained to another reviewer, Lorcan was depressed. He'd lost a lot during the course of a few months. Learning his brother's feelings for Molly and how they were returned was the final straw. He was beginning to realise these things as he told the story.
But how would he know about Lysander's day? Lysander told him. I didn't include how the twins' conversation went down, one because I didn't think it was necessary and two, it would've spoiled the ending.
Lol, I'm so sorry you felt used! I really am! As I was writing this, I figured it would've been all Lysander then I realised that my ending would've been boring, hence, who we all thought it was, really wasn't in the end. (I hope that makes some sense to you).
Aahahahahahha, no don't be scared of them! Well...at least not Lysander ;)
Thank you so much for your review and I'm thrilled to be part of your challenge. It made me pay more attention to my first sentence in anything else I write.
Here with your requested review!
- The plot. Well, first of all, I'd like to say that you had a nice, original idea. But on that note, I have to let you know that I feel it wasn't developed enough. I'm glad you ran with it and made it your own, but it definitely could be polished up. While you did reach your objective of keeping the plot hidden until the end, once it was revealed it was still not totally clear what your intentions were.
- The flow. Let's see...up until midway through, the flow really wasn't bad. I mean, it wasn't perfection, but I definitely think you were on the right track. Then the flashback was thrown in, in a very awkward manor. There wasn't much leading into it, nor was there much leading out. Honestly, it didn't add much to the story and seemed a bit unnecessary.
- The first line. It was a hook, line, and sinker! Plus, it was relevant to the story, which is wonderful, because I've seen a lot of authors struggle with an opening line that is not only intriguing, but fitting of the story. Congratulations on that!
- The description. I liked it. I respect that you threw in actions and gave us a pretty good idea of the physical setting, as well as the immediate, relevant background. You did a nice job with it; though there wasn't a huge amount of detail, it worked because the story didn't really need it.
- The characters. Firstly, Molly wasn't bad. You didn't give us a whole lot of detail about her, but you gave enough of her characteristics and personality that we were able to connect with her and understand who she was. Secondly, Lysander was okay. You gave us that he had feelings for Molly and was the troublemaker of the twins, but with a good heart. Unfortunately, there wasn't much else we knew of him, so he wasn't extremely relatable. Thirdly, Lorcan was just confusing. You gave us that he was the good son, the people please, the bookworm; therefore he appeared to be a decent person. But then you threw in the plot twist--Lorcan was the surviving brother. If Lorcan was good, why did he harm his twin? There wasn't any background or really any detail about him in this light. While the twist was interesting and could have been pretty cool, I don't think you gave us enough. There should have been a little more detail, making it a little less abrupt and less puzzling.
- Overall. I liked your idea and what you did with it. With a little work it could be a really great story. You have talent and you should continue writing! I'd be happy to review any other stories if requested, so feel free to keep me in mind.
~Samii :]Author's Response: Hi Samii,
First let me say how much I appreciate your honesty and the time you took to read my story and leave such a lengthy response.
Ok, the plot. A few people have said they were a bit confused about the ending (which ironically makes the title fitting but that's besides the point). The point of it was to show that not all things are what they seem to be. I'd love to know what exactly wasn't clear to you about the plot at the end though. I was trying to show that who Molly and the readers thought was Lysander, was really Lorcan. It was never revealed if he killed them both or not but something sinister was implied by the last line. Everything else was left up to the imagination of the reader.
Flow, more specifically, the flashback. I have to disagree here because to me the flashback was indeed VERY necessary as it gave some of the back story. You said you didn't understand how it could be that Lorcan was the 'good' brother yet still murderous. As I have stated in the flashback, Lorcan was struggling. He lost his father, he was about to lose his job, things weren't going so well between him and Molly because of those reasons and on top of that, he started to drink. Ever heard of a mean drunk? Well, that's what Lorcan became. I suppose I could have put in something else after the story ended, with Lorcan explaining how he had done it all and his motive behind it but in the end, I figured it was best to leave things up to the imagination of the readers. (something I believe I've mentioned before)
Characterisation - I've always wondered how much detail to include in a one-shot about a character, especially multiple characters; especially since this was one story I wanted to keep short. Mind you, there are some long ones but my plot isn't suitable for such.
For the plot twist, I thought abrupt was the best way. I pictured it like a movie scene where one line would just end it followed by the scary music.
The first line - Thank you. I really didn't know what else to put for it. It just seemed fitting, I suppose.
Description usually isn't a favourite of mine. Sometimes I try so hard but don't completely fill the scene with what I may want but I'm glad you thought it was sufficient.
By the way, if you'd like to discuss my response, feel free to PM me.
Thank you for your review.
Lia. Report Review
I'm here for your review. :)
Wow, this was brilliant. You don't really find many stories with either of the twins, but this one was fantastic. I loved the twist at the end!! But I'm still a bit confused...did Lorcan kill Lysander? Is Lysander dead? And why should Molly have called the aurors after all? I'm probably being dense. Haha.
Grammar wise I didn't see any major problems. Well done. :)
The flow of the story was okay. The flashback was kind of placed awkwardly, but I don't really know where else it would've gone...so, yeah. Ha. It was necessary, though, because it gave the story more depth and perspective. You probably should've taken the story even further to let the reader in on Lorcan's secret. It would make the reader feel smarter and the story itself would be clearer and more fascinating, in my opinion. Though, this already is one of the more fascinating stories I've read here. :)
Overall I really liked this! It's different and the characters aren't really used all that much in many stories. Bravo. :)
This is going in my favorites, by the way. :DAuthor's Response: Hey :)
Aw, why thank you! That's exactly why I chose them and Molly; they're not written about very often at all. I've become a bit obsessed with them these days actually.
Ok. When the story began, no one died. Lysander was still alive when Molly finally went over to inspect the body, he was merely unconscious, that's all. How the story ended suggests that Lorcan killed both of them after. That's also why Molly should've summoned the Aurors while she had the chance to prevent anything else from happening. Then, it would've been revealed that the twin she was talking to was actually Lorcan and not Lysander.
Hmm, I hope all that makes sense to you. I tend to talk in circles.
That's a good point actually; I'm referring to your suggestion about revealing Lorcan's secret. I had thought about it but then I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone involved, if you understand where I'm coming from.
I'm thrilled this is good enough to be in your favourites' list :)
Thank you for your review and have a good night/morning!
Lia. Report Review
Hi! It's Celestie of TGS here with your requested review. :)
You know, overall, this was a nice read. Well written, with a readable style and a good pace. There are a few grammar errors in there (mainly run-on sentences, I think), but nothing too jarring; a Beta could easily sort them out.
My only real commentary on this piece is both the beginning and the ending. I thought it was unrealistic that when Molly entered the flat and found Lorcan/Lysander on the floor, she immediately surmised that he was dead. I dunno, but it just strikes me as an unrealistic first reaction. It seems more realistic for Molly to assume that he was hurt rather than dead. And murdered by his brother...now that seems like a bit of a stretch.
But assuming that Molly had really thought Lorcan dead, then it's again a tad unrealistic that she stayed and listened to Lysander give a backstory. If most people were in that situation, they would run for it or attack Lysander themselves. There is no justification for murder that anybody would care to listen to. There's just too much fear, anger, and disgust in that situation for anyone to have the patience to stick around, if you know what I mean.
The ending! Now that surprised me! I mean, it's such an original concept and I was gawking a bit. I had to go back to reread what happened and I confess, I am still a little unsure. So, the Lysander Molly thought she encountered was actually Lorcan? That last line sounds so sinister. So Lorcan really did kill Lysander? Gah. The only part of it is again that it might not be entirely realistic. Even identical twins can be told apart by people who are familiar with them. And in this case, Molly has spent a lot of time around both Lorcan and Lysander, so it just makes me wonder why she wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Or have I messed up the concept somewhere? XD
I LOVE that you used Molly. Too often Molly is portrayed as a mini-Percy and her innocence in this is so refreshing. And a dark!Lorcan as opposed to a dark!Lysander is a nice read as well. Lorcan/Molly/Lysander is something that is a rarity, so thank you for digging up that pairing. ^_^
I really did enjoyed reading this! Well done!
Now, this really was quite well written.Author's Response: Hey Celeste :)
I'm rather excited about your review!
I do get what you're saying about Molly's reaction to the entire thing, hell, even Lorcan didn't think it was right the way she just stood there. Which is why he said- "You came in here, spewing your accusations at me and you never even bothered to check to see if Lorcan was alive or not.√Ę¬Ä¬Ě He said it found it strange and indeed it was.
It would kind of make you wonder where her loyalties lie with the two brothers. Or why she chose Lorcan but told Lysander she was sorry.
Yes, it was really Lorcan all along, though the backstory all came from Lysander's thoughts.
You haven't missed the concept. Perhaps I should have explained things a bit more. You could say that they switched clothes. They really had no defining features, except for the scar. The scar could've only been seen if they were shirtless. I included that line at last minute and it sounded rather jagged when I read it over.
Now as to if Lorcan killed Lysander before Molly arrived, no he did not.
I actually had an alternate ending to this where Lorcan was interrupted again before he killed them both. But considering I left it the way I did, whatever happened after is left to your imagination.
I'm rather obsessed with Molly and the Scamander twins now actually. It's true, she doesn't get as much appreciation as she should either.
Thank you so much for your review! I really got excited when I was reading it because of the questions and comments you gave =]
If you have anything else to ask, or perhaps my explanations weren't clear, come shout me on the TGS forums or on HPFF!
Enjoy the rest of your week!
Lia. Report Review
Well, you know what I think of this (as I've read it while you wrote it), but I wanted to be the first to review it!
I absolutely love what you've done with Lorcan and Lysander. It's refreshing really. Though, I will mention again, that I cannot believe you did what you did at the end! lol
You are an amazing writer and you definitely give your reader enough description to know what is going on. I love this fic!Author's Response: Hey Len!
Ahaha, thank you! I haven't read many fics with the Scamander twins but I really do think that they aren't as quirky as their Mum even though her presence would still be there.
I actually love my ending. Hopefully it's one that people would not have seen coming and well, what ever happens after is left entirely up to you. It wasn't one that I had planned, to be honest, I think I told you I had an alternate but I decided to stick with this one.
I'm thrilled that you enjoyed it and thanks for reviewing, even though you really didn't have to.
Lia. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection