This is truly brilliant! It made me cry not in a depressing way, but in way that allowed me to sort of feel clossure as to what Fred went through. The way you work with your words honestly creates the scene and i feel as if I have been sucked into the story! I really enjoyed this! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm not going to apologize for making you cry, that was the point. But I am glad you enjoyed it and that it sort of gave you some closure on his death. Report Review
Aww! Well now you got me crying .. Great storyAuthor's Response: I hope you're crying in a good way! thank you for taking the time to review this. Report Review
Hello! Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing this. It's a bit funny because so far there's one other entry that deals with the afterlife, and the concept in that story and the concept in this story are so vastly different. I imagine it took a lot of thinking to create this one, and it's very original, but at the same time, exactly what I would imagine Heaven to be like.
I'll get the nit-picky stuff out of the way first:
- in the sentence that begins, "It took me a moment to find the door – no door wasn’t accurate, a golden gate – appeared in front of me", there should be a comma after the 'no' and before the 'door', and instead of the comma after 'accurate', it would work much better to have a colon. Additionally, since the words in hyphen are interrupting the sentence, it doesn't make much sense. It took me a moment to find the door appeared in front of me? I think it'd work better to put a 'that' before that appeared but after the hyphen interruption. So maybe the sentence would be better like this: "It took me a moment to find the door – no, door wasn’t accurate: the golden gate – that appeared in front of me".
- the sentence, "Of course, I had little choice, being a ghost like Professor Binns was something I would not want", is a bit of a run-on, as it sort of goes, "independent clause, independent clause". I think it might look better if the clauses were separated into two different sentences ("Of course, I had little choice. Being a ghost like Professor Binns was something I would not want") or even by a semicolon ("Of course, I had little choice; being a ghost like Professor Binns was something I would not want"). There are a few other sentences like this throughout the piece, too.
- does Cassie have an appearance or a face? I didn't get the impression that she did; the way you wrote it made her sound like she was just a floating voice, but then I was confused by the fact that you described her as having a quirky smile when she first meets Fred. If she does have an appearance, it might clear up confusion to describe it.
Sorry if this seems overly-nitpicky or anything like that. Feel free to ignore any of my criticisms if they at all offend you.
Since this challenge is all about hooking first sentences, I have to say that I really like yours. A sentence like that is guaranteed to grab everyone's attention, and it definitely did an excellent job of grabbing mine. I also really enjoyed your last sentence; I liked that you ended the piece by giving Fred the closure he needed.
I've never been very good at writing Fred and George - I don't think I'm quite funny enough - but I think you did a good job of keeping Fred humorous even during this awful time, something that I think must've been very hard to do. I especially liked how you inserted certain lines that made him seem just like who he was in the book - like that bit about him enjoying life too much while he was living it so that he never really thought about what was afterlife. That just seemed to fit so perfectly with the image I have of Fred.
I do think you could've made Fred grieve a little more though. I know that if I were him, I would've been devastated upon entering Heaven while my entire family was fighting war. I liked how you showed him fighting against having to stay and I thought that was very realistic, but I also think that he should have been shocked or horrified or devastated or something like that. But, if he was, you didn't describe it very much at all. Even though this was in first person, I didn't really understand what Fred was feeling all that much. Like when he's first meeting Cassie, rather than asking her questions about where he is and so and so, I think it would almost be more appropriate if you described him as crying or feeling a pang of sadness when she confirms this is Heaven or instantly demanding to be taken back. He understands that he is dead right away, but, if I died, I would probably spend a few moments in confusion or denial. He doesn't seem to have any moments like that, though.
I do like how you included Sirius in this; if anyone could help Fred move on, I think it would be Sirius. Their personalities are so similar and both of them had to leave people they loved behind very recently. It would've been nice to see a little more bonding between them, but I thought it was sweet how Sirius was the one to lead Fred to George. Fred's epiphany at the end was also really sweet, and I think it sort of gave the entire piece meaning. I do love stories that actually have meaning and a valuable lesson :D
I'm pretty sure I've rambled on long enough here. Sorry if any of my criticisms have offended you, but I really like the idea of this piece (in fact, I am now sorely tempted to write my own afterlife story. So, thank you for that :P) And thank you so much for entering my challenge; check back after the deadline to see if you've won.
Cherry BearAuthor's Response: Cherry Bear,
When I first read this, just over a year ago, I didn't know how to take it. In all honestly, I'm still not quite sure how to.
However, I wanted to take the time to say thank you for leaving such a detailed review with your thoughts and opinions on the story I created out of your challenge. I'm sorry if you didn't quite enough it, and I didn't expect to win because of the review. But I didn't think it was fair for me to make you wait any longer for the response.
So thank you for taking the time to read and review it, and creating the wonderful challenge that brought this story to life. Report Review
Here as requested! ^_^
Well, first off, this was really unique. I mean, we always see how George is coping with his friend's death, but it's never about Fred! It was refreshing for me to read something new, so kudos to you for coming up with such a concept.
Secondly, I think a lot of it rings true. For example, the line: "Not that I believed I was invincible or immortal, it simply wasn’t something that I thought about" really sticks out to me. I think a lot of us don't exactly consider ourselves immortal, but death is not really something that's on the mind. Again, nice job for bringing something the readers can relate to to the table.
And, as much as I really liked this, there were definitely things that could be improved. For example, a beta could be a quick-fix if you were looking to spruce up some of your grammar. It's nothing serious, but it might be nice to clear up some of the punctuation/fragment problems here.
Additionally, it feels a little lacking in description in some places. I would really love to see what, exactly, this heaven looks like. Is it white? Filled with people? Crowded? These details, I felt, were a little lacking.
Still, it really was a lovely read. It drew the reader in at the very beginning and you didn't let go until you were finished. Very well done, and I very much enjoyed it!
- RinAuthor's Response: I don't like fics overly descriptive thus description lacks in certain places. When it comes to Heaven, I think I'd sooner leave that idea up to the readers. Who's to say my version is right or wrong? I'd rather leave it open to interpretation. I'm really glad you liked this Rin. Thank you so much for the review. Report Review
Hey Len, it's Celeste from TGS with your requested review! ^__^ You're the first person to request, so yay!
I think it's stellar that you managed to write a 12+ fic with No Warnings. I've done one as well and I know it isn't easy to pull of, so congrats on taking a bold move here!
Alright, now I do have some suggestions on how to improve this. First, I found this to be a little...much. Too much is happening for it to be a one-shot. I think it would've been better suited as a WIP. Characters are introduced and exit too quickly, so no real characterization is developed. Cassie, for example. She didn't really strike me as having a personality of her own. She came, helped Fred, and left. I know that you meant for this to be an interpretation of the afterlife, but it felt too rushed. Sirius's entry was particularly jarring. I do understand that there's supposed to be an element of surprise in this, but the overall flow could be improved.
There also needed to have been more description, I think. I couldn't always tell who was where or what the place looked like. You're writing a story about an abstract concept - something most of us can't just imagine as we could, say, a kiss - so more description i s absolutely necessary. Describe the setting and Fred's emotions more.
At some points, it didn't really strike me that it was Fred who was talking. You're using him as the narrator, so it's really important to stick to his voice throughout. Fred is a pretty unique character. He need to have been more aggressive and emotionally charged, I think, with inserts of small humor. He seemed a little...bland. Like it could've been anyone speaking. This held true to Sirius as well.
There are some grammar errors, but nothing too off putting. Just a few run-on sentences were there; a Beta could easily look that through for you.
But overall, I really didn't think it was a bad read (as I said in my review thread - I'm harsh, but it doesn't mean that this was badly written). The ending scene and the hints of George/Angelina were definitely the strongest parts of this. Well done!
I hope this was helpful at least a little! Thanks for requesting! :D
- CelesteAuthor's Response: So, it's taken me a year or so to formulate a response to this. After first I had no idea how to take the critisim you gave, but I can understand where you are coming from and I bet if I looked back at this fic, I'd find ways of improving it. However at the time, I would have defended the story to no end.
Thank being said, I am still quite thankfully I requested a review from you and that you were brave enough to give me the CC you did. So thank you. Report Review
I think this is a really unique take on what happens after Fred dies. You always see how George feels after it happens, but I've never seen anything like this, from the point of view of a dead Fred.
I really like this take on the afterlife, too, and what Fred, Remus, Tonks, and Sirius went through after they realized they were unable to be with the ones they loved. I think that's probably true of how someone would feel when there are people still living that they don't want to let go of.
The descriptions are very smooth, and it really makes me feel like I'm there, like I've seen this version of Heaven you designed.
You might want to ask a beta to run through this really quickly, because there's a few instances where the punctuation or lack thereof in some cases makes you have to read it again in order to fully understand the sentence, but it didn't stop me from enjoying the read. :)
-SamiAuthor's Response: It was really a unique fic to write. I wasn't sure what all I wanted to cover or do with it at first, but when I figured it out, I had a lot of fun writing it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I took your suggestion and fixed the mistakes I could find, and I'm sure I've missed a bunch still.
Thank you for stopping by and review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Report Review
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