Hello Kenn XD
Awwh this was sweet! Ron/Lavender right?
First thing, the POV was great! I don't read a lot of 2nd person, and I think you did a great job! LOVELY WRITING!
The Forbidden fruit, temptation thing was all set out well and this is a realistic portrayal of Ron and Lavender :) I can see it happening!
A nice read!Author's Response: Yup, it was Ron/Lavender. I'm glad that you liked the 2nd person, because I was a little unsure about it. ;) Report Review
I'm here with your review! XD I commend you for writing in 2nd Person. :) You did really well considering it was your first time to do all these things. If I didn't know any better, I would've said you were used to writing like this. Oh, I spotted one little slip-up here:
or if boy's would even notice things like lip-gloss flavours. --I don't think an apostrophe is needed in the "boys" part.
Aside from that, it's all really good. So thank you for requesting, feel free to come again!
Keep Writing to Improve,
SeverusLoveAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! I'll fix up the part that you pointed out. I'm glad that you enjoyed it. :) Report Review
awe, that was cute. But I think it would be nicer if you left off the 'pairing' in the story details because you leave it as a big mystery till the end, but we already know. Just a little tip!
But it was really cute!! Who is Ron with when this scene is taking place? Because, well he wasn't with anyone when he firsts goes out with Lavender.
I thought it was nicely written. Good job.Author's Response: Lavender's saying that some people can kind of see that him and Hermione like eachother. Hope I cleared that up. Thanks for the review! :D Report Review
This was an interesting take on the Ron/Lavender relationship, and especially Lavender's thoughts on them as a couple - something I don't think I have seen before. I liked the bit you had there about her knowing that, on some level, he was already taken - Ron and Hermione for life! It also says a lot about Lavender that she wants to be with Ron just to prove that she can; it is an almost heartless approach to the relationship, but at the same time she obviously does like him for his own merits. He is a challenge for her, but there seems to be more to it than just that - it almost seems like she is trying to psych herself out of caring too much, because she knows she will eventually be hurt by him. This line in particular illustrates what I mean:
His blue eyes are so close they look like an ocean you could fall into, but you keep yourself steady.
This was a short, cute, easy read. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed this! ;) Report Review
Sorry it took so long to review, I've been sick. Any way, here it goes:
I personally loved it. The flow was good and it complimented the concept of the chapter. You really dug deep into Lavender's head and characterized her well. Good job, I'll give it a 9/10.Author's Response: I'm glad you liked this! Thanks for the review and input. Report Review
Here is your review, per your request in my thread! =]
I personally dislike second person, I'm warning you now. I've always felt as though the same story could be told much better in first or third, although first is the closest to the same feeling. I don't like being told what "I" do/think. I'd rather hear it happen to someone else, because who I really am is very different from what any author writes, thus the story can't be me anyways. That aside, this was one of the better second person stories I've read, although it doesn't make me any more supportive of the type.
I'm noticing that you have a lot of unnecessary commas. It's okay, I do the same thing quite often. When you're writing, I would bet you stick them in wherever you would put a pause if you were reading it out loud. I've heard that called aural punctuation, and unfortunately, it's generally not considered "correct." (Although that would certainly make my life easier.) That's mostly because it interrupts the flow of the sentence when it shouldn't. Generally, it shouldn't be used before an "and." There's also a few places where the commas have created run-on sentences.
So far as plot goes, there was a clear beginning, middle and end, which is really what gives a story structure. However, it didn't have much padding; it was basically bare bones. However, the "you" character's motives were explained rather well. On the flip side, it would have been nicer to get a little more "show" out of the telling, maybe by giving us readers more background (when the temptation started, how Ron is "forbidden fruit," etc.)
The kiss scene was just fine. It wasn't particularly brilliant, but, hey, that's just fine because this was sort of an illicit first-kiss type scene. It didn't need fireworks. In fact, they would have been out of place. I did get a little tired of the word "kiss" in that paragraph, though. There were five of them--using different phrasing helps at that point.
I like the closing lines, but it should either be "you remember" or "you think back." Remembering back is a little redundant. Anyways, I like the parallel. He's a temptation, she"s a temptation. Everybody's a temptation, lol.
Overall, good job, although it could use some work. 6/10.
siriusgirl1Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Just so you know, i' only ever fond of second person if it's a shorter one-shot. I can't stand long stories written in second person, and I wanted to try out a different POV from what I normally use.
I know I have issues woith my commas. :( I swear, they will be the death of me!
Thanks for the input. I'll probably go back and edit it a bit now! Report Review
Hey, this is EastEden with your review :)
I thought it was an excellant idea to use 'you' all the time instead of stating this was Lavender, it gave the story an interesting twist. It allowed the reader to be place in Lavender's shoes, and yet still be slightly apart from her. And to answer your question whether it was believable or not: I think I would have to answer yes :)
As for plot and flow: the plot was good, and so was the flow. I'm assuming that this was set in the pre-Ron kissing Hermione era (correct me if I'm wrong), so it made it even more so a good plot, because the reader knew what would happen sometime in the future, and was still seeing a 'lost' moment. The flow, as I said, was good. The fic didn't seem 'jumpy' at all. All the sentences and paragraphs all worked perfectly together.
All in all, I liked this a lot. Despite not being long, it had plenty of detail, plot and all the other things to keep a reader interested.Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought I did the POV well! :) Thanks so much! And, yes, it is before Ron kissing Hermione. Report Review
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