I felt that this chapter ended right where it should. In fact, I would suggest having added this to the previous chapter and made it all one.
I don't want to repeat myself too much of what I've already said in the other two reviews, but again, with the character bio chunks and the diction. More subtlety could be used, which would truly enhance the effect of your writing.
Although I want to know what their deepest desires are, I am glad you kept that of Jack and Kayleigh secret. For now at least. I hope it comes into play later. It's very true, what Albus said, about deepest desires being private. That was a good choice.
Delia seems to spend an absurd amount of time internally complaining about Albus for someone who has voluntary contact with him like this. There needs to be some clear reason for that conveyed through the story, or it just seems weird.
Again, good work, and sorry for the delayed reviews.
siriusgirl1 Report Review
Make-up review number two!
I recommend making the chapters a little longer. True, cliffhangers may be all well and good, but at this point in the story, it really helps to have some more information imparted right off the bat.
In this chapter, you did the paragraph character-background-thing for Kayleigh, Jack, and Delia, but you left Albus out for some reason. There are better ways to show character than listing information about their home life. I find it more intriguing to learn immediately about their personality and who they are and as the story goes along, discover more about their past as it is revealed rather than receive a bunch of info in a solid chunk.
I'm getting confused. It says that they hung out with Albus because they kind of had to, yet he "stayed" with them. To me, that means they're good friends, yet they don't seem very close.
I recommend that you add a little more depth and content to the chapters. Find the little undercurrents between the characters, and show them, rather than outright telling them. Work on using different tones when Delia talks about each of her friends. That will help differentiate between them and make the story more interesting.
Also: you switch the e and the i in Kayleigh's name sometimes.
siriusgirl1 Report Review
Deepest apologies for not reviewing before this! You applied in my thread, but I completely ran out of time. To make it up to you, I'm going to review all three chapters currently validated.
I felt that this first chapter was a pretty good hook. I definitely want to know what's going to happen when the skip Divination.
One problem I had with some logic was taking Divination as a "filler" class. From the books, we understand that sixth year was very difficult. Even though we readers never get to see Harry go through 7th year, I think it is safe to assume that it would be even more challenging, what with preparations for the NEWTs. So I have to doubt whether any sane 7th year would take a filler class, impressive resume or not, especially if it were a class that they hated and was useless. Is Delia supposed to a super-overachiever like Hermione or Percy?
The characterization was relatively solid. Each one is distinct and I like that they each have nervous habits or other similar traits, like biting nails or shifting weight. It gives a physical depth to the characters, which many authors ignore. However, I felt that not enough time was devoted to exploring them in this chapter. That doesn't mean devoting a paragraph to a detailed physical description and personal background, but I would like to have seen more. Personally, I like to come away from a first chapter having a good understanding of and connection to the characters.
I did feel it was rather awkward that Jack and Kayleigh were such pushovers. I feel that they should either have hesitated more or been backing Albus in his mischief making. The extremely weak resistance from both made Delia and Albus seem like the only characters with brains of their own.
Your diction and syntax is pretty straightforward. Nothing too exciting, but nothing that seems awkward or grammatically incorrect. I'd try mixing it up a bit. At the moment, you don't seem to have developed a writing style. That's ok, it comes with time and practice, but you might want to give your words a little more distinction. It will help your story stand out from the other 65000+ on the site.
Quick and very minor spelling/grammar notes: it's "irresponsible" not "irresponsable" and "maniac" is a noun, but "manic" is an adjective.
Overall, this is a decent first chapter. Again, I am so sorry for not reviewing earlier. Life just got in the way.
siriusgirl1 Report Review
That's not fair!!!
This is such a good chapter and the suspense is killing me!!!
Hope you update soon!!
Really good chapter!!Author's Response: Aw, thank you! :) I'm in the process of writing chapter 4 as we speak. Report Review
Hey it is me again.
I am just quickly going to agree with dracos_babe about showing us what they are like rather than telling us but again not I'm liking the development and the easing into the sotry you are doing.
xxx Report Review
Hey it is RandomRed from the forums.:) Sorry for the late review.
Short chapter not much to say on it but you do have a talent in charaterisation. I Love Delia she makes this story for me :).
I think to make it better you just have to pad it out. Thats all I've got.:)
x Report Review
I enjoyed this chapter. The interactions between Albus and the others are entertaining it really feels like they've known each other for years. The chapters are really short though so there isn't really much for me to say since not much has happened. I didn't notice any glaring grammar mistakes, except at one point when you were talking about Jack's personality you said that she wasn't "spoilt" when it should have been "spoiled". I like that Albus brought them to the Room of Requirement, I'm assuming he's going to show them the room with all of the discarded items that Harry found in HBP since he said Delia likes artifacts. I also sense a little bit of romance between Delia and Albus. You just sort of laid out everything about the characters and just listed everything that the reader needs to know about them. I think it would be better if you tried showing their personalities through their actions and the things that they say instead of just having Delia's inner dialogue list everything she knows about them. Report Review
Well there isn't much to say since it's the first chapter and it's so short. I like what you've done with Albus' character though, he seems very playful even though he's a seventh year, I get the feeling that he takes after James I. Your OC Delia seems like the responsible one of the group. So far I'm enjoying it.Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. :) I tried to make Albus more playful than what a lot of people seem to portray him, my reasoning is that he has to be some sort of playful seeing as how he has James II as his brother. Report Review
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