so beautiful! i could picture their first time just like that!!Author's Response: Ah, I'm glad you feel I did it justice! :) Report Review
I loved the story! Excellent characterization, although slightly void of detail - you'll have to work on that a little bit. Some more details on the love scene would put your readers into the proper mood for the conclusion, don't you think? I love your writing style - there were no typos or grammatical errors as far as I could tell.Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and I plan on going back in a bit and re-working a bit. Thank you again! :D Report Review
He I really like your 'beginning of forever' line! Though I think you should have elaborated more on their first make-love. But otherwise, you write really good!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I would've I just was hesitant on how I would wirte it haha Report Review
Hey there. I'm here with a review for you(:
I didn't think your canon characters were too off base, which is something you mentioned concern about. Perhaps they were not spot on, but the ones we actually know well (Ron, Hermione) had such minor parts it wasn't a bother in the least.
Actually, I quite liked the interaction Rose had with her parents. It seemed pretty natural and it fitted in well with the story. It didn't come off as forced, which can happen quite easily when writing.
And perhaps this isn't the most important bit of the story, but one of my favorite parts was the description of Lucius. I've always loved his character and I absolutely adored the way you described him post-Azkaban. I think it made perfect sense the way you wrote it.
There are a few minor things that could be spruced up a bit. Some of the transitions were a bit rough and sudden and maybe a few more descriptions wouldn't be amiss, but I didn't find anything majorly wrong with this at all.
Overall, it was a very enjoyable story. I think you caught a nice, romantic feel with your Rose/Scorpius writing and it was a very sweet to read.
Erica.Author's Response: Thank you first for the promptness in which you reviewed! I really appreciate that. I'm glad you think nothing was majorly amiss or horrible. I actually quite enjoyed describing all my characters, I found it really fun. I've edited this about six times and I'm sure I'll go back a few more and fix the transitions. I'm actually very honored that you enjoyed this, I'm quite fond fo your work. Thanks again :) Report Review
wow! i LOVED it!! that was AMAZING ! : D :DAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness, thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked it! It took me about five rewrites (two major ones) to get it like that so I'm so glad you liked. Thanks so much for reviewing and I hope you'll check out some of my other stuff lol. Sorry, for the shamless advertising. Thanks again! Report Review
You write scorp and rose beautifully.Author's Response: Oh my goodness thank you so much! That's so nice to hear :) Thank you a bunch for the lovely review and for reading! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed my portrayl of the characters :D Report Review
Awww! That was so cute! I really loved it!
You should write more like this because you have Rose and Scorpius perfect. Good Job!Author's Response: Oh my goodness thank you! That was such a wonderful compliment! I'm a little crazy with my novels and challenegs and that awful thing "real life" but if I get inspired I definitely will! :) Thanks again for such a lovely review! You just made my day! Report Review
THAT WAS AMAZING! I loved it! It was short and sweet!!
-GraceynAuthor's Response: I've just put it in again. I changed alot. I'm glad you liked this version, but I'll let you know when the new one is out ;) thanks for reviewing Report Review
Hello! Here with your review. This may sound a bit harsh throughout, but I am only saying what I am because I see your potential and I want to tell you the things that will make you a better writer. I say this all in the spirit of being constructive.
I'm going to take is a step at a time, then do the entire thing as a whole. My first thought, upon finishing is, I wonder how old you are. It felt a bit youngish written to me. I know the character is 15, but she came off as more like 12ish or perhaps just a bit flighty. Okay, first part.
Just a few odd phrasings, such as when you wrote -It was Scorpius' owl, which meant the letter was from him.- That felt a little redundant. I believe you could have left out the latter part. Your use of the phrase "a bunch" was a bit odd, as it was making them come across as more of a preteen than 15. Scorpius' letter, overall, seemed very female in nature. His phrasing and his use of terms like "princess" seemed a combination of 'fatherly' and 'female'.
The part with Ron and Hermione (and here you'll see why I don't like to review them) was just off. They were both heavily written in the series, everything about them was lined out so detailed that there isn't any room for tweaks to their character without it being AU. Hermione was rude, not just her typical crass, she was also seeming to say things simply because you wanted her to. I can't imagine in any world that she would suggest her daughter spend the night with her boyfriend at 15. For any reason. Ron was far too intelligible with his words. It also threw me when he said -"That's my point."- because they did not do anything at her age, so his reasoning seems off.
I don't mind when Scorpius has siblings, because it left that open in the book, however I find one thing odd with your choice. Scorpius, Rya and...Sam? Rya is a fitting and odd name, much like Scorpius, yet Sam seems to be so drab and common that it almost felt like an afterthought.
When Rose made an assessment of Draco's changes, that felt strange. The story is in Rose's POV and she would have no clue that he had changed "since his days at Hogwarts". You probably should have left that out or limited it to "since she had first seen him".
I feel like I've been kinda negative, but there are a lot of things that I liked about this story. This brings me to my favorite actually. When Scorpius entered and she made her wording of his Taste and Smell. They were real and able to be drawn from actual memory. Chocolate and Peppermint, yummy. :D His smell was a proper, human smell. Soap and musk. Real. Clear. Sensory triggering. (The reason I say this is because I often see people being tagged with scents like "autumn" and "moonlight gardens" and those aren't smells, at least not recognizable smells that would translate from Author to reader in a proper manner.)
There is a lot of nicely done description after this point. The descriptions of the house, the rooms, the flowers, all of that was nicely done and I could see it in my mind from just what you wrote there. I would advise taking what you've done there and really putting more of it, use those techniques more throughout because they are done well.
The conversation brought me back to the place where they feel 12ish. Scorpius felt female, once again, when he spoke and they both sounded much younger than 15. You used the word "Cliche" once again here and it is having the opposite effect you intend. It feels almost as if you, as the Author, are saying that you think your own work is cliche and you are trying to stop anyone else from calling it as such by announcing it in the story. Almost self deprecating in nature is how it came off.
*goes to get strawberry shortcake*
I actually did. :D
As we come to the end, it feels a bit forced with the song. I wouldn't have labeled this a song fic, since it isn't. A song fic has the lyrics in it. I listened to the song before I read it and it didn't really fit together. I see that last line that Scorpius said, making it tie in, but the song felt more like a struggling relationship. It didn't connect to me, but that is all personal opinion there.
Oh, the flowers in the bedroom with the candles, that kinda felt like maybe he did intend to seduce her. Sneaky little Malfoy. :D
You wanted flow critique and I have to say, it didn't flow right. There were far too many (words) and the / shouldn't have been there. She was telling the story, not writing, so you could have written the word 'slash' rather than use a /. Writing words in all CAPS is bad for flow (in my opinion). I would suggest a combination of italicized words and exclamation points to define extreme speech and standout phrasing. A couple of spelling errors throughout that a quick run through any computer installed Spell Checker would have weeded out. There were several places that you switched your tenses. You mostly carried past tense through out, but some of your lines were in a different tense.
I think with a good Beta and a little study, you would have eliminated all of these tiny problems that killed the flow. Spelling, grammar, tense variation and such.
Over all, I think you have exactly what you advertised. Fluff, Humor and Romance. It was fluffy, nicely so too, not sickeningly fluffy. Nice fluffy and it did leave me with that feeling of "awww how sweet" in the end. It was funny in places. I enjoyed the bit about Freddie's Quidditch gear. It was Romance, cute and fluffy romance. Above all else, you have talent and you should definitely keep at this. Get a Beta and work on holding out that good description, plus give a little more time into the Male psyche. Watch guy flicks (not flicks with guys in them, movies about just guys and how they act without girls around) it would help. :D --Jenna
6/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time! I feel like you just made me a better writer for having read this review. I really, really appreciate it. I'm going to go back and edit it soon. Hopefully, I'll get it better as I grow as a writer. I really am glad I had you review because I adore your writing and I knew you'd make me a better writer with your crtique. Report Review
Okay so this was a sappy love story, but every now and then a sappy love story is JUST what I need.
It was really interesting that you gave Scorpius siblings. I always imagined him to have siblings too but not many other people allow him that.
Anyways, I like how you portray the different family dynamics. I like how Ron is so Ron. Overprotective of his little girl, even though she's almost grown.
Okay sooo some other things I liked:
"while I was inahling his scent like some kind of horny animal..." hehe okay so I laughed a lot at this, but it made me smile.
Rose Nymphadora Weasley- I like this for her middle name. Even though it doesn't actually say she has a middle name, this one fits.
"a bubble of love and happiness." when I read this I went awww.
Okay dear!! A review just like a promised!! Hope you enjoy it!!
PPAuthor's Response: You make my day! Thank you a billion million trillion times lol. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad you liked it! I love Ron's personality and I actually came up with his siblings for another story, but I liked that they tied together.
I tried to be funny, so I'm gald you laughed.
I like the name, too. :)
I'm very sappy... it was fluff for a reason haha.
Thanks again love! Report Review
Hey! I liked it and all, but as long as you don't mind, I may want to do some critiquing.
Sorry, but the dialogue (and parts of her personality) were just kind of bugging me. It all sounded way too formal, especially Rose with her parents. It's things like 'you are welcome' versus 'you're welcome' and that sort that tell how close people are. And as for her thoughts, it just sounded sort of stiff. As in, I can't imagine people actually thinking like that.
But I did like the way the night progresses, and the story and such.
Sorry if I sound mean, I just was trying to help. I haven't read your other story yet, but think about that as you write it. =)
Much love!Author's Response: thanks so much for reviewing and letting me know! I thought it was a little off too but I just really liked it. I may go back and edit it some another time but I'm really busy with my other story now. I think you'll like that one better if you check it out... Report Review
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