A bit too rushed but i guess. IT WAS A ONE SHOT. Sorry, everything happened too fast for me to enjoy it. :( But it was still okay. LOvE The banner by the way :) Report Review
You should mak anither chapter! It's brill!Author's Response: Thank You! But I can't since it ended at them never being able to be together Report Review
Ok i have several problems with this one shot:
1. Your rushing it: your rushing the plotline again, like with Poppy. you need to slow down, dont worry that its too long. its better for it to be too long than to be too short and leave the reader feeling a little disappointed. for example :
“Wow, I never thought kissing you would be better than kissing Astoria,” He smiled brushing the hair off of Luna's face.
“Same, um I should get back.”
“No a little longer I have the urge to shag you.”
That was WAY to quick.. it should have been gradual, FULL of detail.
2. The obvious : Please try to avoid pointing out the obvious in future. it leaves the reader feeling irritated and undermined.
3. Grammar : it wasnt to bad but i did notice some little spelling mistakes. make sure you spell check before you submit. it makes the story easier to read.
4. detail: i know i keep coming back to it but its very important that you FILL your story with detail. for example, you say that draco and luna are meant to be together and true love. as a reader, i didnt see that at all. all i saw it as was a quick shag. think romeo and juliet, think to see her smile makes him want to die from the joy he feels. i can not stress this enough. you need A LOT more detail. for example: you didnt mention anything at all about what happened DURING that hour of passion.
i think that if you could develop the story more with A LOT more detail and slowing it down then it could be a brilliant story but you still have a little way to go yet. keep trying though.
5/10 Report Review
I think this was so cute! You have a nice flair for cute writing. I enjoyed it.Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
This is the best thing ever, or well I think so. You did such a good job writing it.!Author's Response: OMG thank you Report Review
I really enjoyed this story! I think that Draco and Luna are an incredibly unlikely yet interesting couple and I was very intrigued by this story. Thanks so much for entering in my contest and I hope you check out my own stories if you get the chance. The winners will be posted on the forum tonight. Thanks! Report Review
this was quite an interesting story but i have to admit that i liked it. i definitely thought it was a nice idea to get them together at the World Cup. that was very clever. wonderful job on this story. i hope you have a fantastic day!Author's Response: Thank You so much! I am gald you liked it!! Report Review
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