wonderful job on this! Draco Malfoy? to be honest, i wanted to think he'd be the one but i wasn't sure. it should definitely make this story a lot more interesting if you ask me! this whole god thing still hasn't sunk in yet but i'm sure it will soon enough. the only thing that really didn't work for me was the fact that Lily seemed to hate Draco at the beginning of this chapter and then by the middle and end she was talking about how he really wasn't supporting Voldemort and was only wanting to keep his mother safe and alive. i don't know...it just didn't seem to work. maybe i'm looking too much into this and all but it just sort of seemed to me like she had no reason to hate Draco yet at the beginning she seemed to so much.
other than that one thing, i really had nothing to complain about with this chapter. as i have mentioned many times before, i believe this story can go pretty much anywhere and am excited to see just where you take things. oh, and another thing you might be pleased to hear! your flow, from the start, has always been done pretty well. you rush a few times here and there but for the most part you have tamed it quite well. it has improved a ton since the first chapter of this story that i read, which is incredible. the few changes that take place throughout each chapter have really added up it seems and i definitely am a fan of your flow right now. certainly the best i have seen it yet.
also, your characters have been doing very well. you are doing a marvelous job of holding your characters together and not changing who they are and what they say for the most part. the thing with Lily in this chapter was the only place i have really seen a contradiction with the characters you have presented in these first four chapters and that is another thing you should be extremely proud of. with such little contradiction, you are making a lot of sense to your readers. plus, with not doing a lot of it in the first four chapters, it lessens your changes later on in this story.
overall, i am very impressed with this chapter. like the previous ones, a lot of information but that part will end soon, i am sure. the set-up is still on process and once that part of this story is all done with you will really have the time and resources to grow and expand your plot and characters. i honestly am very eager to see that part of this story. this is off to an amazing start but once things really get set in motion i have a feeling i won't want to stop reading this.
i wish you the a very great day and hope to see another request from you soon on my review thread. keep up the amazing work!Author's Response: Thank you again for such a great review. In regards to Lily's character the idea was that she hates Draco so much because of how he acts and how he has treated Harry and the others in the past, though I guess I probably should have mentioned that and not left it up to interpretation. You also find out later on that she has a problem with his personality in general as well and she just doesn't like him on principal for the most part. But thank you I should go back and fix that so that it is more obvious why Lily hates Draco so much even though he isn't truly a Death Eater. Report Review
first off, i wanted to apologize to you for taking so long to get to this. nearly a month! that is crazy. usually it doesn't take me even a week and i am terribly sorry that this had to happen. some things came up and i honestly have had no time the past three weeks. until now of course!
i thought this was a wonderful addition to the other two chapters that i read awhile ago. really. there was a lot of information in this chapter and although it was throughout the whole thing basically, it wasn't a bad thing. you are setting up the story very well and i can't wait for the real plot to start! the way you are working things is the best way there is. keep it up! you are doing a fantastic job of working things slowly and making sure the readers are keeping up with what you are doing and not getting left behind.
the plot? all i can say is wow! i adore the three gods part with this. that's a very original idea, as if this story already wasn't original enough. i am definitely excited to figure out who the third god is!
overall, i thought this was a very well-written chapter. you have done a lot with this story so far and it has so much potential. i have a feeling that you know where you are going with this, and even if you don't, i can't tell which is also something most readers like to hear. i am certain that you have a good handle on things so far and i don't see how you could lose that now. i am thoroughly impressed with all of this so far. i can't wait to check out the next chapter and once again apologize for taking so long to give you these two reviews!Author's Response: Thank you so much for the kind review I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. Report Review
Hi, you asked for a review from me quite a while ago, and I'm here to finally give it to you.
I see a lot of potential but a lot of problems.
First of all, the story is very cliche-- which is fine, in a way, cliches are cliches because they make sense, but this one kind of encompasses too many-- the Mary-Sue, the Sister, The Chosen One, the Special Abilities, and probably the Forbidden Romance, am I right? Now I have used several of these cliches over time, and been pleased with the results, but I think the trick is to not have such a concentrated dose.
Also, and although this is a purely cosmetic thing, the impact is huge-- pleasepleasePLEASE use the return button after every quote/ single person's dialogue;
'How are you?'
It just makes it cleaner, and when you have those giant blocks of paragraph it just makes me want to skip over it and therefore miss the relevant parts of the information.
You were a little rushed in the beginning, I think, but just remember to take your time-- even though we know the characters, we can't forget the value of an old fashioned exposition.
So, suggestions: Give Lily some faults. Besides hot-headedness or insecurity, unless it's to an extreme. Use the return key. Decide what kind of person she is (and although it's early, I, as the reader, should still be able to identify what sort of person she is, the same way you have a decent idea of a person after a week or two.)
Still, though, you've settled into a nice sense of rhythm, and have some great ideas-- it's just the execution that's a little shaky.
AiAuthor's Response: Well Lily isn't going to be a Mary-Sue I know it seems that way at first but I haven't really gotten into her actual powers yet but she isn't actually a Mary-Sue in any way. Thanks for the review :). Report Review
the begging was weak i think you just zoomed into it. the body of this chapter was good. i think you could have done alot better. i would like to point out that toured the end,
"Hello Harry, its been a while.
Yes it has. Harry laughed.
you could have extened the sentence by saying "yes it certainly has been" harry chuckled i think it would made it more leanghty. i wouldnt say its bad its good in a different way yea it has its weak spots but everyones dose. but i also wouldnt say its one of my favorite chapters so far!! :) Report Review
The begging was strong and you cought my attenion by useing dialogue to introduce the charcter. Your choice in words were somewhat weak in spots but overall it was a well written story. i feel the ending could have been a little more stronger. i think you should have gave the read a little taste of what they will be readiing in the next chapter. it was weak but still had me beaging for more so after reading this on i want to know whats comeing up in your next chapters. Report Review
Okay, this chapter was okay. Good dialogue, good characterization, I thought the thing about the 'Mages' was a bit cliche but that's just me. Keep writing.Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Report Review
Hm. I like your story, but despite that, well, this chapter is kind of off. Stories with Harry's sister don't normally tend to work. It could work if you changed a few things. Harry's reaction seems almost timed, it's so short and you don't get a glimpse inside of his head at all. I think it would take him at least a chapter of being upset at Remus and Sirius and ignoring this sister to be able to handle it. Also, you have several oneliners. I would join them into paragraphs or something of the like. I hope I wasn't too harsh, dear, your story isn't half as bad as I probably make it sound from this review!Author's Response: I agree with you on Harry's reaction, but I didn't want to spend an entire chapter on Harry's reaction since there is a lot more to the story and the plot that needs to be said. I was going more for the effect that Harry was sort of stunned by the information and didn't really have much to say since there was so much for Lily and the others to say. I also feel like Harry is the kind of person that finding out that he has some sort of family he would be very eager to accept them because he has so little ties to his family. Report Review
Alright, this is WittleAna from the forums here with your review.
The concept isn't original, but the story is. Very good. I like your characterizations, they're spot on, especially with Hermione pleading to go to Dumbledore and stuff. The chapter seems kind of sudden, though. I think Voldemort has means of contact with Draco other than a letter that can be intercepted. The Dark Mark? I think that they kind of hurried off, in that way, it seemed unrealistic. Also this chapter is huge. I would split into two parts, and work on cutting down your paragraphs, you have one that's nearly half a page long and it definitely could turn the reader off. But besides that this was a fairly good start.Author's Response: I've had the complaints about the spacing before and my more recent chapters have been adjusted to fix that and I do intend to go back and edit the earlier chapters as well. I wanted the first chapter to be sudden because I wanted to throw readers into the action before they got as much information as they get in the later chapters. The owl was Voldemort's way of communicating with Harry not Draco and I know there was probably a better way for him to contact Harry but I didn't want to use the visions like in the books and I figured that at 3am chances of interception were slim, although you find out later that Draco's owl didn't really have to fly all the way from Voldemort to Harry since Draco was still on the grounds so it couldn't really have been intercepted. Thanks for the review :). Report Review
Wow. I thought Draco might be the God... But, to be honest, I was hoping he wasn't, because then it would mean (in my head, before I read this, remember) that he would betray them to the Dark Lord and they would all die and junk. But I like that he's a 'good guy', and I really like that Narcissa was put under the Imperius Curse. Lucius is a Death Eater, after all, he wouldn't have any qualms about hurting/controlling someone to get what he wanted, especially since he's a Malfoy. Malfoys always get what they want, of course. (:
Okay, so I like that Malfoy is a good guy. But he wouldn't know that he was involved unless he was trying to read Harry's/Lily's future, right? Or would he see it because it was his future, as well? I'm sorry, that just confused me...
I like the charm. (: It's sadistic, evil, and it shows that Lucius really has no love for his son at all, whereas Narcissa, the better person, has all the love in the world for Draco, and he her. (: It's really sweet (on Narcissa's side), and I like it. A lot.
Wow. I'm sorry this review is so much shorter than the others, I just had a lot less to say, I suppose. (:
Feel free to request for chapter five, I like this story. :D
-JasmineAuthor's Response: I've always had a soft spot for Draco and I just couldn't resist writing a fanfic where he was clearly a good guy instead of just kind of being one like in the books haha. I figured the most believable way to pull that off was to give him some sort of connection to the good side and Narcissa seemed the best way to do that. And yes the reason that he had the vision of the future was because it also involved him and was connected to his own future. Their decision to rescue him directly involves him and so he had a vision of the outcome of that decision. I'm happy you like this story I've been working on it for some time now and it's good to see it finally coming together. Report Review
So. I've read the second and third chapter, and I promise, this review won't be as long and obnoxious. Ahem. Sorry about that, by the way... However, it is about both chapters, so... Make of that what you will. (:
Again, I think I should mention spacing... It was double in parts, but there were a lot of lines with no spaces, and it was odd to read. :/
I like how Lily's looks are the opposite of Harry's; her mum's looks and dad's eyes. It's kind of cheesy, but I like it. (:
Erm, there were some grammar issues in this chapter (both of them, actually), but I think the types of issues were pretty covered in that review. I didn't do specific examples, because A) it's really a personal decision and B) they can be transferred over, they're basically generic grammar things.
I like this, and I think the God's idea is really original, but I feel I should mention: Lily is dangerously close to being a Mary-Sue. She was the special little kid, and she's the brother of Harry Potter, and she's brilliant at magic, and she's a God. I'm not sure if you work to dispell some of this "sue" ness she has going on later, but as of now, she seems pretty perfect.
xD I adore Lily's voice. I love her little comments on everything, and her sarcasm. (: Great job with her.
Er... I have two issues with your magic rules. I think Dumbledore can do nonverbal magic without a wand, right? It's not common, but people who study enough can do it. :/
Also, Legilimancy is more than just seeing memories, if I remember correctly... I thought it *was* reading minds, but not to a great extent.
Ahha, Ron's such a pansy. (: I love it.
I think Harry, Ron and Hermione are pretty close to who they are in the books, but they seem just a *bit* off, almost like actors playing them rather than actually being themselves, you know what I mean? I don't know if I can really describe it, but it just seems slightly off to me... I don't know.
I like this story, I really do. (: Another good chapter.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: The "sue" ness of Lily does get dispelled later on in the story. While as of now she (as well as Harry once he learns how) can break all of these seemingly once absolute rules there will still be things that they cannot do in regards to dark magic (I don't want to give to much away). I'm glad you like Lily's voice I absolutely love writing her. And as for the issue concerning Dumbledore, the fact that Lily does her magic nonverbally is not the big deal so much as her lack of a wand. And while in the movies Dumbledore as well as other wizards have the ability to perform magic without their wands, in the books there is never anything mentioned to suggest that Dumbledore or any of the other characters can actually perform magic without their wands (at least not that I noticed). I'm glad that you enjoy the story though. Report Review
Here with part two. (:
âI think thatâs the only time Iâve said those words and actually not been up to no good.â
xD. I loved that line, it made me laugh far too hard. (:
Words like "slowly" and "quickly" (adverbs), when used for dialogue tags, are really unnecessary. Again, it's an issue of showing, not telling.
"They felt a cold sensation trickle down their bodies and when they looked it was if each of them had become a chameleon and matched whatever it was that they were standing in front of."
This is another run-on, I'd split it up into two, or maybe even three sentences.
Ahha. xD For some reason, Voldemort leaving them with directions to where he was made me laugh; it's not exactly something we saw a lot of in the books. Again, if the letter had been intercepted, anyone (Dumbledore) could have found him and killed him. Or, tried to.
I feel like Harry, Ron, and Hermione should be more worried. You say they are, but we really don't see examples of that: perhaps have Harry grip his broom and find it sweaty, from nervous palms? Have Ron stutter? Have Hermione snap?
I want more detail. You tell us what everything looks like, but what do they smell? What are they feeling, when they race to her? What does the air feel like, what's the temperature? These details, and less details about what they see, will probably make your story stronger as a whole.
Would Harry really want Hermione and Ron with him? In the books, we see him as this person who likes doing everything by alone, and at least sort of fights Ron and Hermione when they try to come with him... I could be wrong, of course, but that's always been my opinion.
Poor Ginny. ): I feel really bad for her, she's just a pawn in Voldemort's plan.
Why is Ginny out in the open? She's basically just out where everyone can see her, it seems like Voldemort would want her more hidden, again, in case the letter got stolen.
Voldemort sounds kind of out of character. He was a very educated, proper person, and he's kind of improper and not Voldemort-sounding in this one. He's a bit out of character, at least in my opinion.
You describe Harry as "her boyfriend" when Ginny is comforting him. I don't know, it seems so... teenager-y to call him that, instead of "Harry" or something. I mean, they're being tortured, it just... doesn't fit.
âHowever, unlike you I wonât allow my enemies the chance to escape by droning on about everything that bothers me.â
EXACTLY. xD I love that line, it so sums up how villains explaining things is so stupid. xD
WHOA. Draco being there surprised me. I'm not sure why, I knew he was there because of the owl, but still.
Why didn't they leave when Lily told them to? Or, at least, why didn't they fight yet? I don't know, if I would have been them, I would have at least attempted to fight a bit.
Also, why was Ginny so much weaker? Because of the spells?
xD At first, I thought Lily was Dumbledore. I'm glad she wasn't, it would have been predictable that way. (:
"They paused for a moment to grab their brooms and then continued to run, soon a car came into sight, Mr. Weasleyâs old flying car, and it looked as if it had been restored, and they assumed that that was how the girl had gotten there."
This is another run-on, I think it could be cut up into a few sentences, again.
Yay! It wasn't Lily Evans! I thought it would have been Harry's mum, and that would have been kind of a cliche. Harry's sister is more believable, because Lily II didn't die to save Harry and the entire series doesn't depend on Lily II's love. Yeah.
I think that if Voldemort had sent a curse at Lily II, he would have known that she was still alive, especially if she had the lightning scar. If he knew Harry was alive, he would have known about Lily.
This is pretty interesting, but a 7,000 word long chapter (especially for a first chapter) is pretty long, especially since, like you said, the plot hasn't really gotten going yet.
I really liked this, though. (: It's an interesting start. And I'm sorry for the monster of a review, and again, I didn't mean to offend you if I did. (:
All in all, 6/10.
-Jasmine Report Review
Okay. So. This review is going to be in two parts, just because it won't fit into the 6000 character limit. :P I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to do chapter two this way. (Uh, I kind of went overboard with this chapter's review.)
Hey, there. I'm here from the forums with your requested review.
So I'm just warning you: This review is going to be extremely long. I'm sorry in advance, the chapter was just very long and I took a lot of notes. (: I hope you don't mind.
Firstly, I like the idea of this. It's interesting, and while I'm not a huge fan of stories where Harry has a twin sister (or a sister at all, since it's not in canon), the story got going before you revealed who Lily was and so it wasn't as cliche as other stories I've read have been. And, sometimes even plots that have been done can be really good, like this one is. (:
So I'm just going to go through my notes as I wrote them down. Please, don't be offended if I come across as harsh or rude; I'm not trying to, I promise.
So. Firstly. You use a lot of commas where there shouldn't be any, and oppositely, use periods/nothing where there should be commas. I'd recommend getting a beta, just so it'll read better. You might attract more readers that way. Of course, I don't know how many readers you have, so I might be completely off, but I know that the grammar-related mistakes I noticed were pretty common. (Sorry.)
In that vein, there were a lot of run-ons and fragments. Again, I'd recommend a beta.
The dialogue in this story is kind of unrealistic. Maybe try reading it out loud, and say "Does this sound real?" In my experience, that's what works best.
Here's a few specific examples of things I'd change, mainly grammar-wise:
You said "stated", "replied", and a lot of other not-said words, where 'said' would have worked. Perhaps this is just a personal opinion, but I think said works better, especially when you 'show' things, rather than 'telling' us them. For the most part, we can figure out when they 'reply', and 'said' works best.
On that note... The phrase "Show, don't tell" really pops up here. You sometimes tell us things about Harry, rather than showing us, and I think that if you showed us, like having him obsessively check the time without telling us that he was worried about Ginny, it would make for an easier read.
"Harry was used to their bickering about everything and anything so he didnât bother to chime in and tell Ron that Hermione was probably right this time and that they should have listened to her, maybe then they wouldnât be sitting in the common room alone at three in the morning rushing to be done."
This could be cut into two sentences, I think. It's a really long sentence, and it's a run-on.
"She had gone off for a midnight fly a few hours ago, promising to be back soon and continue keeping Harry and the others company while they finished their essays, and yet it was now three in the morning and she still hadnât returned."
Nice foreshadowing. (: I didn't notice it originally, when I was first reading it, but it's a good way to let us know where Ginny is and it's plausible.
âThat has to be the most naĂŻve thing Iâve ever heard you say Ronald, not knowing things like that could be dangerous and -â Hermione was cut off by a tap at the window. "
Maybe make the "Hermione was..." part into a new paragraph? It seems less sudden the way you have it.
Harry says "Who would send mail?â and then Ron says âwho would send YOU mail?â Maybe have Ron's 'you' in italics? It would seem less repetitive that way, I think. (:
"Harry said in a deadened tone as his face paled."
I'd either cut 'in a deadened tone' or 'as his face paled'. It seems less repetitive that way... It's like saying 'jade' and 'emerald'.
I like how sudden you had Voldemort say he has Ginny. Though, I don't see why he would let Harry know in a note... It seems kind of out of character for Voldemort, especially since he seems so private and plans everything out. I can't imagine a note would be safe enough for him, since it could be intercepted.
"Harry, are you really going to listen to Voldemort?"
FINALLY. xD That was my reaction when she said that, because I was like "OHMYGOSH HARRY DO YOU NOT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH SIRIUS?" I know he's the type to go after Ginny, even if he's not sure she's there, but I was glad when Hermione said that.
"But how can he be the castle is guarded by powerful enchantments, itâs impossible to simply fly on or off the grounds."
For this one, I think it should read like: "But how can he be? The castle is guarded by powerful enchantments. Itâs impossible to simply fly on or off the grounds."
About a third of the way through the story, it stopped being double spaced, and the paragraphs got bigger. It kind of hurt my eyes, just because it was such a large block of text on the computer screen. I'd recommend changing that, just because I know a lot of readers don't like reading single-spaced chapters, especially since this one is 7,000 words.
I loved Ron's outburst! :D It was full of win. (: I loved how he shouted at Hermione, I was waiting for either he or Harry to start yelling at her. (:
Finally, Hermione mentioned Sirius. I was waiting for someone to, it was like they forgot the whole OOTP issue. Report Review
Hello once again!
I thought this chapter was very well written. Your vocabulary was great, and your characterization was just as good. I really enjoyed reading Lily's bits int his chapter, and thought it was very interesting. There was a TON of information in this chapter, but you managed to keep it interesting and didn't rush it. I think this whole thing with the Gods and the Mages and whatnot is so original, I've never read anything like it. Keep up the good work, this promises to be a great storyline!!
Also... Was that a tad bit of foreshadowing I saw at the end there? When Lily was in pain, and that they were never going to get an explanation? If so, sweet! Can't wait to see what happens there.
Once again, I just have to mention the paragraph spacing, because I'm nitpicky. That's a good thing though, not much to complain about with this one!!
BusinessJournalAuthor's Response: I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story, and I'm super excited that you caught on to the foreshadowing at the end and your enjoying the story line so much I've put a lot of work into this story and it makes me happy to know that you appreciate it. I'm glad you didn't think that this chapter had too much information in it, one of the reasons I requested reviews was for this very reason, I wanted to make sure that the story was still able to be followed easily. Report Review
I thought this chapter was quite cute, but sort of dry compared to the first, action-packed chapter. However, I do like the characterization in this chapter, and thought the catching up was charming. I was somewhat confused as to Sirius being there, I assume he didn't die in the Dept. of Mysteries in this AU?
Other than that, I just second my review of your first chapter in that the spacing and whatnot is a bit off, but a very easy fix. In terms of making this one a tad more exciting, perhaps you could add some of the first chapter into the beginning of this one? Or perhaps add the last prophecy to the end of this one? Just a couple suggestions, but you're obviously well on your way with this one, and it's quite endearing and interesting to read :) Quite intrigued to see what the last prophecy is!
BusinessJournalAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've had the same comment be made in other reviews about this chapter versus the first one however I wanted to keep this one as is because I don't want to give too much away all at once and keep the intrigue. I also wanted to use this chapter for characterization of Lily mostly so that the rest of the story makes sense. But no Sirius didn't die in the Dept. of Mysteries, I tried to allude to that in the first chapter with Hermione saying that they all barely made it out of their alive but I decided to keep Sirius in the story for reasons later on in the story. I'm glad your enjoying it so far though, thanks again for your reviews. Report Review
Hello, BusinessJournal in with your request!
I think this is a very interesting and unique plot-line, however I do have a few qualms. I thought the story had a very, very quick start. For instance, we're not even quite sure of which year the trio is in, how far along they are in the year, and just other small details like that. It was almost as if this chapter could have been the climax of the entire story. It was good, just almost abrupt. You've also got some problems with paragraph spacing, especially between dialogue. Perhaps if grammar/spacing aren't your strong suits, a beta is a WONDERFUL thing to have, and they're available on the forums :)
That being said, I do think this idea for a story is unique and original, and you could go very far with it. It looks like you've got a great foundation on which to work as far as the plot goes, but perhaps just working in some small details here and there would be beneficial :)
BusinessJournalAuthor's Response: Thank you for your review. I have had the issue with spacing be mentioned before and my previous chapters have been formatted accordingly and I intend to change the first few chapters as soon as possible. As for the first chapter being abrupt I understand where you're coming from however I intended for it to be that way. As you continue reading your questions about the trio's year and such are answered. Thank you though I will keep your comments in mind for future stories. Report Review
Sorry, I have been a bit sick, but here is my review:
Excellent plot. It is very intriguing and pulls the reader right in. you didn't catch a plot bunny, you caught a lot godzilla.
Grammar and spelling was very good. Though, in between dialogue you should space it out a bit more. Sample:
"Hey" she said.
"Hello" I answered.
See, it just looks better to the readers.
The flow was good s well. The dialog matched and made sense. In all, it was very good and I personally liked it. Good job, 9/10.Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review I'm glad you enjoyed it. And as for the spacing I have had the same thing mentioned in other reviews so my future chapters have been spaced properly and I will be fixing the already existing chapters as soon as possible. Thanks again. Report Review
Hey it is RandomRed from the forums :)
Your first chapter is looong. lol (not a bad thing)
I love you attention to detail. You just add these little touchs of information.
Although llike you said you havn't started the plot properly yet you certainly have enough to keep readers interested.
Weirdly for such a long chapter I don'tknow what else to say
xxxAuthor's Response: Haha well thank you, honestly the fact that you don't have much to say from the first chapter is a good thing because I didn't want to give too much away at the very beginning in order to keep some suspense. Report Review
AHHH! i wanted to know the last prophecy before i got to the end of this!! oh well, i guess i'll just have to figure it out soon enough. i thought this was another amazing chapter. not a whole lot happened but plenty to keep me interested and hopeful for more throughout the entire thing. i liked when Sirius and Remus showed up. they basically took up the entire chapter, yeah, but i thought that was really neat. of course they knew of Lily's existence originally but it made sense for them not to know anything more, especially with Dumbledore being Dumbledore.
again, my interest held up throughout the entire thing. i thought, even though this chapter was significantly shorter than the first one, it held plenty of substance to make me continue to want more and more. this chapter was very well done. of course i would have liked to uncover some more but that will come when it needs to. you are still setting up this story for your readers and so it makes sense that you only give bits and pieces at a time.
overall, i thought this was another great chapter. i loved the characters and their interactions in this as well. i don't think i mentioned that before. but even if they were minimal due to this chapter's rather short length, i do think your interactions between your characters showed promising effect for future chapters. just another little thing i picked up on. well, i only read two chapters at a time so if you like my reviews, feel free to request again for whatever you have next to be read, as long as it's not more than two chapters at a time. i hope to read some more from you! also, you can request another story of yours if you don't want me to continue with this one. whatever, it doesn't matter!
thank you for the new and exciting request and i hope you have a very nice day!!Author's Response: Thank you again for another great review I'll be sure to re-request the next chapters from you. So glad you enjoyed the story thus far. :) Report Review
wow. i had no idea what this story was going to be about but even as AU as this is, i am sincerely glad that you posted a request for me. i have heard of several stories where Harry has a twin sister or brother but i have never read one up until now. it's actually kind of exciting! i enjoy it when i get to take a look at something i have never experienced and this is no exception. i am a fresh reviewer with this plot and scenario. i have a feeling that's a good thing!
it's really difficult to review a first chapter of a story. i do it a lot, yes, but i can't say that i can offer a lot to begin with, if you know what i mean. i think with what you have here, there is plenty of plot and information to make readers want to read more. i know i definitely can't wait until i get to check out the next chapter, so i don't think you have to worry too much about that. but that is just me. every reader has their turnoffs and preferences and i'm not going to lie and tell you that AU stories are a favorite of mine but i think you'll have a great audience with this story if you continue you writing it as well as this and advertise it the right way. i truly believe that.
overall, i thought this was a very well-written chapter. i would comment more but i can't really think of much more to say this early on. your pace was very well presented in this. you didn't really rush at any points or anything. that is good because you didn't drag either which is almost worse in my opinion. i'm very excited to take a look at the second chapter and do wish to tell you that i am very impressed with what this chapter has presented us all with so far.
onto the second chapter.Author's Response: Thank you for such a kind review I'm so glad that you enjoyed it and you got to read something that you've never tried before. Report Review
This chapter is extremely anticlimactic compared to the other one. The first is filled with action, but this one is short and mostly banter. To balance that out, I would recommend splitting the difference between the two, maybe by adding the office scene from the last chapter into the beginning of this one. Either that or add the telling of the prophecy into this one. The difference between the two is just so choppy it detracts from the story.
That will also partly solve the next issue I had with this chapter. Sirius and Remus sort of get thrown in here randomly. Because Hermione had mentioned the Dept. of Mysteries fiasco in the previous chapter, I had assumed that Sirius was dead, only to (surprise!) find him alive and well and standing in Dumbledore's office. That was really confusing. And neither he nor Remus seemed to serve much of a purpose in this chapter, either.
Now, that's not to say that I didn't enjoy this chapter. I thought the lively banter was endearing, just a bit out of place, considering the gigantic cliffhanger that ended the last chapter. And then to reach the end of this one, and still not know what's going on? It's a bit extreme.
Again, the characterization was good; that seems to be one of your strong points. There were a few parts that didn't feel quite right, notably when Sirius shouts at Remus for not telling him about Lily, Jr. That section of dialogue was a bit awkward. The rest, however, was charming. I really liked the back-and-forth between Sirius and Lily arguing about telling how Lily ran across Remus on the full moon. That part made me smile.
Overall, a strong chapter, though less so than the first one. Still, nicely done! 7/10
siriusgirl1Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I do agree that this chapter is very anticlimatic compared to the first one which was the reason I requested reviews because I wasn't sure if it was to the point where it might hurt the story overall. And yes the fact that Sirius is alive was quite a surprise, I tried to make Hermione's comment in the first chapter allude to the fact that he was still alive by saying we all barely got out of there alive, but I just couldn't bear to part with Sirius and I had to have him in my story (I'm a sucker). I'm glad you enjoyed the banter though I was hoping to lighten the mood a bit with this chapter. Report Review
A review, as requested in my thread.
I really like the opening. It's a surprisingly gripping start, mostly because of the way you hit the characterization right off the bat. I felt Harry's stunned pause, then leap into action was very him. And it has the added effect of moving the plot along to the next bit quite nicely. One of the weaker points was where Ron screams about needing to save Ginny. The word screamed just feels wrong there, to me at least. He should be shouting or yelling. I think Ron only screams when facing spiders =]. In canon, Hermione has an aversion to flying, yet she willingly gets on her own broom and takes off. Even in such conditions, I think it likely that she would end up flying with Ron, instead of on her own. Later, Voldemort was deliciously evil and condescending, but I feel you could have upped his scathing/mocking tone even further. Really give Harry and the readers a reason to hate him right then. And I love Snape and am very happy to see him done right, even though he's only in the very end of this chapter.
The jump from normal common room stuff to "omg! Ginny's been kidnapped!" feels very sudden. It might flow better if it started at midnight with the bickering and Ginny leaving so we could feel the time pass since Ginny left. Then, the worry Harry feels would be with the readers, too. Also, why would she have the bludgers out? It would make for sense for it to be the Quaffle, or even the Snitch, because it's canon that she enjoys Seeking, and plays as a Chaser, if I recall correctly.
I really appreciated the attention to detail. A lot of authors would not have bothered to describe the abandoned ball crate or noticed that a lack of guards around a stronghold was odd. Congratulations for including those! However, that detail was missing when the shield appeared--it was described as "a shield of some sort." It would have been better to describe exactly what it looked like, and then explain that it was foreign to anything that either the kids or the Death Eaters had seen before, or something like that.
While the introduction of a long lost sister to Harry is fairly cliche, you seem to have pulled it off. She is a very distinct character, although with the more-power-than-Harry thing, you might find yourself walking a fine line between a really interesting character and a Mary Sue, if she suddenly becomes the answer to all the problems. From what I've seen of this story, however, the latter option seems unlikely.
The paragraphs got really big after the beginning and I know I get lost sometimes reading giant blocks of text online, so other readers might have the same issue. If you can break a few of those up, that might help. The paragraphs do not have to be tiny, just enough that it is easy to follow from one line to the next without getting mixed up.
Along those lines, I would have split this into two chapters, just to make it a little shorter. It sort of feels like the readers are inundated with information. It is delivered very well, but it is a lot to take in in a single chapter. 9/10: Good job!
siriusgirl1Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad that you appreciated the attention to detail sometimes I wonder if maybe it's too much and makes the story drag on. I agree with you on the shield though it seems to have slipped through the cracks in my attempts to move on with the storyline. As for Lily being an answer to all of their problems I intend to fully avoid that in the coming chapters, I want to keep the action and adventure in the story so I intend to avoid that. And Lily isn't actually stronger than Harry which comes out later on in the story. And thank you for the tip on the paragraph length I will keep that in mind for my future posts I'm glad you pointed that out I wouldn't want readers to be overwhelmed. Report Review
Hi! I'm reviewing for your request... The first thing I have to say is don't rush it. I like it, it's interesting. I'm not against 'Harry has a sibling' stories, I wrote one myself. The thing is, you could add more detail if you spread it out over several chapters. The next thing, is Harry seems a bit OOC. I know there's not a lot you can do in Hogwarts, unless you take it into your own hands, which is fine, but Harry would probably be dead calm, or a bit more crazy. Really nice start though!Author's Response: Thank you so much I sort of agree with you when it comes to Harry I had a hard time trying to figure out how he would react to the situation without making it seem forced or cheesy so I decided to play it safe with his reaction and just try and let it seem like he is in so much shock and things are happening so quickly around him that he doesn't have time to actually react to the news so he just sort of adjusts quickly in order to keep up with everything else that happens which becomes more evident in later chapters. As for the taking it slow I'm glad you agree because so far that's how I've been going so I could get everything that I wanted said and let the readers really grasp what's happening so it's good to hear that it isn't going to slowly. Thanks again! Report Review
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