Another great plot idea!
This story sounds really good, and I imagine in future chapters there will be many twists and turns.
Riley sounds like a pretty cool character, and a chapter in her perspective, or focusing on her would be really good.
The Hissorell sounds really cool, as do the races. Professor McGonagall was being a bit too truthful about her thoughts, something I really can't imagine her doing in the presence of a student.
I can imagine Harry acting curious rather than hostile towards the friendship between Riley and Hermione, especially after Riley belittled Malfoy as they got off the train.
All in all, it was a strong start to what's shaping up to be a great story.Author's Response: Thanks, she'll have her own chapter dedication in a few chapter's time. The races are different and McGonagall has her reasons. :)
~ Peaky Report Review
Hi there. (: It's Miss Lily Potter, here to give you your (extremely late) review. I'm sorry about the length of time this review took to get out; life was happening, and I've been extremely busy.
However, I've read this, and I've got a few points to talk about. (:
Hmm. This is an interesting idea. I like it, but I did find a few problems with it.
Firstly, the grammar. They're all little things, not really important, but they add up, and more than a few kind of disrupted the flow of the reading, for me. I'm sorry. :/
I would work on the characterization of Harry and Hermione. They don't really seem out of character (Hermione's long-winded explanation *definitely* is), but they don't seem as perfect as they could be. When writing a Hogwarts era, it's important to make sure they're as IC as possible. Just a thought. (:
I love the idea of the Hissorell. It's intriguing, and I like that Riley rides one. (: I thought it was a Thestral at first, actually. xD
I don't know how I feel about the Hissorell Races. I feel like it's a lot like the Triwizard Tournament, and if it is, than the people allowed to participate should be older; if people are going to want to drop out, obviously it's dangerous, and no one would send 11-year-olds to that kind of danger.
I also don't think McGonagall would have been on the train in the first place. In book 3, she waited until after the train ride to talk to Hermione about the TimeTurner, and I feel like the same thing would apply here.
I like Riley, though we've just met her. (: I just hope she doesn't become too much of a Mary-Sue; she can't be a *perfect* Slytherin.
All in all, it was a nice start.
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for your words and advice, over the past few weeks I have been busy editing all the chapters that I have for this story. :)
I'll keep you posted on the other chapters,
Peaky Report Review
Hey, Ronsgirl29 here with your review!
I liked the idea of the hissorell, I never seen anything like them come up in fanfiction so I thought that was cool!
There's a few grammar mistakes in there but nothing too glaring that it makes it hard to read.
You're good at writing dialogue! You have them speak in a way that seems real and natural, like people were actually talking.
Nice start to the story, I'd just focus on characteization. Since your writing in the trio era, we know a lot about the characters, meaning you have to work extra hard to make them believable.
-Ronsgirl29Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Dialogue is what I struggled with about a year ago, having someone pick up on it straight away was amazing. Thanks once more, I'll keep you posted for my other stories. :)
Characterization is the next editing challenge.
- Peaky Report Review
Interesting storyline, very unique. I can't imagine why Professor McGonagall would be on the Hogwarts Express though, it seems like a conversation that could just have easily been had before or after the feast at the school, though I suppose that if it happened that way then the conversation on the platform wouldn't be possible. A few mistakes I noticed, at one point you said "spoilt" when it should be "spoiled". One sentence you wrote "Without even knowing it, a Hissorell can form a bond with a witch or wizard without even knowing it." You only need one "without even knowing it" in that sentence. There isn't much to say about character development as it's only the first chapter and character interaction was pretty minimal, but I think that you captured Hermione's character well in her eagerness to listen to McGonagall and obey her request as soon as they left the train. I don't think Harry would have been so callous though as much as he would have been extremely surprised and caught off guard by Hermione's choice in company. I like the concept of the Hissorells, it's very original and an interesting idea. I would love to continue reading this story so be sure to stop by my thread and request chapter 2, I have a special list for story updates in the thread so you don't have to wait as long. :)Author's Response:
Thank you very much for your time! It means a lot and your review has helped. I'll make sure I submit an update very soon, but the que has closed until august apparently. *Cries* I think, I don't know yet. I'll try but yikes!
Thank you once more! Report Review
Hello there, this is your requested review from _xDraco.
In your request you asked me to be harsh and to the point. Although I'm not going to be harsh, I am going to be honest, so please bear with me.
First of all, there are several grammar/sentence structure mistakes. Here are some, as found in chronological order;
In the line 'Without even knowing it, a Hissorell can form a bond with a witch or wizard without even knowing it' you repeat 'without even knowing it' twice. Only one of these is necessary.
When Hermione is telling Harry about the Hissorell race, you type 'Cauldron of Garamond' and 'Hissorell Race' in bold and italic. This isn't needed; using capital letters will suffice.
At one point Professor McGonagall mentions that Riley uses her power 'amongst those who are inbreed'. I think you mean 'inbred'.
Later on you say 'Its promoting house unity, people are looking past the stereotypes of the school'. That, in its self, doesn't make sense. You need to say something like 'it's promoting house unity, enabling people to look past the stereotypes of the school'. Also, the 'its' needs an apostrophe, as it is standing for 'it is'.
When you talk about Riley and Hermione being inspiring you say 'She really was one of the most talked about and inspiring students of the school, although they really shouldn't...' You need an 'and' before the 'although'.
When Riley is talking about her summer she says 'yet over the summer a herd of the flies over McGonagall's house'. I think you mean 'them'.
In the sentence 'I don't really care what people say about neither me nor what they can do to me', if you wish to keep the structure the same, you don't need the 'neither'. However, if you wish to keep the 'neither', you can say 'I don't really care what people neither say about me not what they can do to me.'
Those are a few of the errors I spotted, although there are more. Even though they are only minor things, when they all add up it can really disturb the flow of the story. Did you use a BETA? If not, may I suggest that you do in the future? I feel it would really help you to sort out any minor errors.
Moving away from grammar/typos, there are a few things I would like to mention about the plot. At the very beginning of the chapter, you say that Ron is kissing Luna. Although you are completely at liberty to make non-canon pairings (which, to be honest, is half the fun of fan-fiction) I think that you should offer a reason behind this. It doesn't have to be a huge paragraph, as I realise that they are only a minor pairing (I think). However, if you did something as simple as Hermione saying 'I can't believe they got together after *insert interesting thing* happened!'. This would enable the reader to at least have a vague idea of how they came to be together. If they were a canon pairing, it wouldn't be so vital.
Also, why is McGonagall on the train in the first place? Usually teachers don't go on the Hogwarts Express. Perhaps you could offer some reason behind this. I understand that she wants to tell Hermione of the 'plan' in private, but why couldn't she wait until Hermione arrived at school? Like the Ron/Luna thing, it doesn't have to be a huge, long winded explanation. Maybe McGonagall could say something like, 'I know I'm not usually on the train, but this is rather urgent.' Carrying on with the characterisation of McGonagall, she does say some very out of character things, such as 'She isn't stuck up like the rest of them' and 'she doesn't cower against snobby, spoilt rich kids like him'. I know that Hermione exclaims that it is out of character for her professor to talk in such a manner, but it is also unprofessional of a teacher to say such things to a pupil. If you want to get the same message across you could use slightly different wording, for instance 'she doesn't support the 'traditional' Slytherin mannerisms' or 'she isn't afraid of people who regard themselves as highly as Mr Malfoy does.' These examples mean the same thing as yours, but they are slightly more of a professional, 'teacher' way of saying it.
The other thing I would like to mention is that the paragraph in which Riley explains what she can and can't deal with seems slightly out of place. Maybe Hermione could ask her why she acts so cruel, when really she is a very kind person, because as it stands it appears that Riley mentions it completely unprovoked.
Also, near the beginning, Hermione gives a very long-winded description as to what the Hissorell Race is. From this description I receive the impression that the Hissorell Race will return later in the story. If this is the case, please leave it as it is, as this information will be important. However, if the Race doesn't return, and it is merely Hermione being brainy, may I suggest that you shorten the description slightly?
Having said all of that, (and I apologise, I do go on a bit), I want to say that overall I think you have a very interesting idea here, and you should definitely continue with it. Once you sort out the few minor mistakes I have mentioned, I feel you could be left with a potentially successful story.
I hope that my review has been helpful to you, and that I covered all points that you were concerned about. If there are any points you feel I have missed, don't understand something I've said or have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Thank you for requesting and good luck with the rest of this story. :)
P.S. Woah! This review is now 1002 words in total, my longest review I have ever written!Author's Response:
Thank you so much for your review, it really means a lot! It was so much help, I'm working on getting a beta but when this was posted no one wanted to take it on board. So I'm still waiting for someone to finally take it on and fix it up.
As for the McGonagall suggestions, I see what you mean. I noticed at the last second that she seemed too much out of character, was that a tactical facepalm or what?
This is one of the most structured reviews/critic someone has given me. I love it when people are straight to the point, so I thank you.
They'll be fixed and I'll re-request for you to look over it if you don't mind but I am going away on holiday for a few weeks. Maybe someone will love me enough to take me on board?
Catcha round! Report Review
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