Love it! Perfect once again! 10/10 Report Review
Love it! Perfect! :D Report Review
It's an absolutely amazing story and I really like how it's turned out so far.
It's funny how it takes me much more time to read your stories than most others. I usually have a fast paced reading style but you manage to pack so much emotion and information into one line that with accidentally skipping a sentence one might miss crucial parts of the story. Also, your way of developing characters and portraying emotions is very beautiful. Few people can write like that.
I don't really like Ginny very much in this story. She kinda seems like a moody bitch who takes way too much for granted (at least a little)
Anyways, one more reader! ^_^ Report Review
I like the monologue it does a good job setting up the storyline, and gives insight to the narrator's pain and desperation. The metaphor of the dead butterflies was nice touch.
Your sentences: "she doesn't know that she loves me. I don't know if I love her. She doesn't know if she wants me; I don't know if I want her"
Did you mean to write "if" instead of "that" on the first she doesn't? Using "that", seems to imply that she does love the narrator but doesn't realize it, making it seem out of place with the rest of the sentences that use "if" implying doubt.Author's Response: Thanks so much for pointing it out! :D I just corrected it. ^^
And thanks for reading... :) Report Review
Yay! I loved it, it's brilliant. And now I go back to waiting, cause yes, I'm still here! :)Author's Response: Thanks for still reading it. :D Report Review
I'ma here, thank you very much :D
This was some quality "Analyze this" stuff of the kind that's being taught to future psychologists. You have some serious talent to analyzing girls' minds and your text is flowing just perfectly.
Damn Granger, she does know how to spoil a perfect moment and "snap back into reality", doesn't she?
Ginny's playing a dangerous and nasty game and it makes me wish that Hermione would really end up with Astoria and forget about that redheaded hag forever :DAuthor's Response: LOL "Readheaded hag" that made me laugh!
Yeah, well, of course I understand a girl's mind since I'm a girl, too, (^.^) though I have not been in the similar situation like the girls here before.
Poor Astoria, right? My own mom was like hers, so I can imagine that Astoria only grows up as being rebellious. *lol*
Thanks for the feedback! :D Report Review
Sorry for taking so long, dearest, for this chapter, but I will get better, I swear :D
OK, it was the chapter that I was already anticipating. All previous ones were only a long, long prologue for the inevitable to happen: THE KISS. Kisses, kissings, snogging parties, still the part of that childish bet, but something that may grow into something bigger and more beautiful. Only, had I seen Astoria and Hermione kissing, I would have cursed Astoria to Hell and taken her part instead :D OMG, I can totally imagine meself kissing Emma :D
Now, who was the cloaked man? Harry? Ron? DRACO??? OMG, what a cliffhanger! I'm immensely proud of you, yet again!
Now, this review might seem a bit incoherent, what with starting with the ending, but that was the main part for me. That doesn't mean that the first half wasn't awesome, on the contrary! You did a really good job to display Hermione's devastated state; her turmoil, the betrayal she would have never expected from her bestie. From there, it was a logical turn of event that she started to isolate herself from everybody, effectively driving herself into Astoria's more than eager arms. She was alone, she felt betrayed, and it's only Astoria that had been there for her.
Onwards, I should say! Perfect chapter!Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. :D
hehehe yeah the kiss; of course it'll happen some time even though Hermione didn't enjoy it as much as Astoria did.
The "cloaked man"'s identity has been revealed in the middle part of the last chapter; it was Ginny, who saw Astoria and Hermione kissing together, and then she fled the castle to go to Hogsmeade. Chapter 4 and 5 happen at the same time only from two different POVs. ^^
Thanks so much, Z! Sorry for taking so long to reply. Love your feedback, as always. Report Review
Dang! I'm hooked! seriously, this whole story line is immense! it's like... AWESOME! (:
In terms of grammar, spelling, format, typos; throughout all 6 chapter I've found about 3 which is really good going! You have such a lovely flow with your writing and such a way of wording the sentences that it's really easy to read and follow without getting lost or bored.
The story line WELL! Where do I begin?! Ginny; well what a mean mean person she seems to be! She really needs to attempt to sort out those anger problems and listen for once in her life ay? You've written her wonderfully and it makes her so much more believeable, a Ginny that just sits down and listnes when shes angry isn't really Ginny.
Hermione; wow, I think you have her down to a T. with her politeness, her sometimes hautyness and her wanting to sort things out and being determind, well she's pretty much exactly how Hermione would act in these circumstances. I think you've got her emotions and conflicts with Ginny and Astoria are great and very nice love-triangle indeed.
Astoria; well I thought her to be a nice person that just wanted to attempt to get her boyfriend back... but no she had to have some secret didn't she?! Suppose it makes good reading, doesn't get Astoria any brownie points in my book though!
The next chapter should be awesome tbh. I have a feeling all the lies Astoria has been keeping will all be coming out in the next chapter and I suppose that Hermione is going to be heartbroken bless her! But there is always the fact that Ginny doesn't remember anything about that night :/
I hope Astoria get's caught because she was wrong to lie and keep that information from Hermione... :/ I know I sounds a little too involved with this but hey, your fault for being such a good writer! (: Good luck AND KEEP POSTING! (:
P.S. definatly a faveourite story, and authour!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the wonderful review, Melliex! That you read all chapters is...shocking... *lol* in a way. hehe Astoria may eventually come out to Hermione and tell her about her plan, because Astoria is actually a nice person. There is just the thing with Ginny and her distorted memory... hmm...
Thanks for favoring the story! *woot* Report Review
Hi, sorry I was a little late in getting to your review, life's been a little hectic.
First off, I really loved the dialogue throughout; it's witty, realistic and it all flows nicely. It's easy to get lost in the conversaton and you're descriptions in between bring the scene to life. I especially loved your characterisation of Astoria and how much she differs from Ginny. The contrast of these two characters in Hermione's life certainly added a whole new layer to the story and keeps it fresh and interesting.
I noticed two itty bitty grammar errors:
"What is it?" she asked snippily, rising a brow. - "raising" perhaps?
"You pig! Stop throwing with food!" - I think "stop playing with your food" or "stop throwing food" would sound better :)
It is a little long like you said which definitely gave you more room to really open up the scenes, none of it felt rushed, I would be wary of not making it long for the sake of being long, however. That hasn't been the case in this chapter though. Overall, it's an interesting start :)Author's Response: Thank you so much, electricfeel!
I knew I missed a couple of grammar errors; I'm glad you pointed them out for me. I keep confusing "rise" and "raise" though I know the difference; I blame it on the grammar checker. hmpf.
Since you didn't spot other awkward sentences, I assume the rest was just okay. hehe :) Thanks again! Will request another review again some time when you're not too busy, and if it's still okay. My chapters are, indeed, very long, so I understand... :) Report Review
Hi electricfeel here with your requested review :)
Slightly OT to begin with - but I ADORE the song you've based this on, I really implore you to listen to it, it's so beautiful and may just inspire you some more ;) but anyway to your review!
Firstly it was believable, I know this seems a simple observation to make but when it comes to slash especially, it can be difficult to make it seem plausable. But you managed to capture a teenage girl in love with someone who she shouldn't be; the confusion, the hurt, the desire and so I applaud you for that. Ginny is a little crueler than I imagine her to be, but in saying that, you've put her into a situation we haven't seen her in before, perhaps she would behave like this, who knows? Again, it was a believable reaction fo her to deny it so vehemently.
Your style of writing is good too. It isn't too flowery, it's simple and captivating, it makes it easy to get lost in. There were only a few errors I noticed, just extra punctuation --
"She scrunched up her nose,," - extra comma.
"She didn't' apologise." - extra apostrophe.
Your grammar was absolutely fine however, it didn't distract from your writing, I'm just being nitpicky :P
The only other thing I would say however, is that this was written so well it could be a one-shot. This has its negatives too because you want your writer to crave more. I know we have unresolved matters still, but sometimes (as portrayed in many one-shots) not every issue is dealt with all the time, sometimes things are never spoken of and never resolved. I understand that further chapters will deal with this more intricately and the issue will be explored deeper. Maybe it's just me though...
Anyway, overall it's well written and a good start. Hope my review helped, feel free to request again!Author's Response: Hello electricfeel,
Thanks for this very helpful review! I was hoping you'd find more errors than those little ones. hehe I corrected them right away.
I'm glad to read that you liked it so far, and that you think the feelings of the narrator and what she's going through were quite believable. Why would you say it's Hermione though, and the "cruel" one in denial, Ginny? :) I didn't reveal any names yet. hehe :)
Hmm... Good observation. When I wrote this, I didn't feel like this could stand as a one-shot, for one reason: Who is the narrator? I mean, I didn't purposefully reveal their identity, even tried to phrase the sentences as vague as possible, yet you assumed it was Hermione. ^^ Others would say it's Ginny because they can't see Hermione being so cruel.
Only in chapter 4 it'll become somewhat clearer who "I" is and who "she" is, given that you paid attention in all the previous chapters. :)
I'll definitely request a review from you again soon, if you don't mind. Thanks so much! ^^
Oh my god. This one I haven't expected. The fallout. I need to admit that I had tears in my eyes.
That scene in the dorm room was absolutely breathtaking. In that light, the title of this chapter obtains a beautiful, allegorical meaning. It's not only the glass on the photograph that had been shattered, also any possibilities of Ginny and Hermione ever being together. or maybe not?
Ginny made the same mistake Severus had, many-many years ago. How on Earth will she ever be able to repair everything that had been broken?
Further, you managed to surprise me with quite a few amazing plot twists. The bet and the master plan. This is what makes you a master of the pen. The amazing ability to tie your reader to your story, to grab his neck and force him to read it all through :D Your master plan succeeded, now we have to see how Ginny will be doing.
Yet again, some wonderful dialogues, and the helping hand in the persons of Luna and Neville. They are pretty much in character and I can totally imagine them as the friend you can rely on.
I never thought I would ever enjoy a femmeslash, oh you mistress of the intrigue, but I have to humbly bow my head afore thee.Author's Response: Thank you for this wonderful review, Z! Sometimes I'm thinking, He can't really be talking about "this" story, can he? Breathtaking? Amazing? Words I wouldn't describe my story or plot. (-_-) hehe
Anyway, yeah, the dorm room scene... How heart shattering. Told you I love drama (in stories, not in real life...hehe) I think if someone else, like Draco, called Hermione that derogatory and very offensive name she wouldn't really mind (though either Harry or Ron would've broken his nose, but that's a different story). But in this case it was Ginny. She just wanted to hurt Hermione as much as Hermione had hurt her. (In the books, Severus' situation was completely different, I think. He'd been humiliated in front of the girl he fancied; he didn't call her a Mudblood to spite her. Or maybe I just don't remember the whole scene. Was it when James Potter hung him upside down? Or when Lily found out that he was a Death Eater and he wanted her to leave him alone? Either way, yes, Ginny and Severus both made this unforgivable mistake. :/
Ehm... come on, Z, you're better than I am and you're complimenting me with such flattering words I don't think I really deserve. *blush blush*
Oh, Luna was hard to write. I wasn't entirely sure whether she was believable or not. But I'm glad that you think she was. :D
Again, thank you. I will try to get to your story maybe this evening. Only a few chapters left and they've almost reached their destiny. :D Report Review
actually really love where this story is going. Its deep and intense, and the story line is so wicked.. its dark and intense. And you write so lovely! There's a perfect amount of description and dialogue! love it!Author's Response: Thank you, rozen maiden! :) I hope to read more of your very encouraging feedback in the future. :) Cheers. Report Review
Wonderful chapter. It's hard to find the praising words to tell you how much I enjoyed this. The tension, the sparks are flying from every small scene and never does it get boring AT ALL.
The first third of the chapter is an exquisite character study for Ginny Weasley. Her thoughts, her worries are brought beautifully in the picture. I never thought she can feature so much angst, but she's completely believable.
I guess it's hard to get over someone you fancy a lot but can't be yours; at the same time it's hard to date someone else when your heart belongs to someone else.
Later in the chapter, Hermione briefly touches this question when she asks Ginny whether she remembers anything of her brief affaires with those boys she's been dating.
The common room scene, expertly misunderstood by Ginny, was a good laugh in the beginning. I can very well imagine what she must have been feeling at that point; I can also imagine how relieved she must have felt when the two seemed to have been engaged in something other than sex. Still, the revelation that Hermione was kind of dating Astoria, a Slytherin nota bene, came down really hard on Ginny, and the short conversation to follow didn;t help her solve her problems as well.
Something tells me that Neville will be the next in line for her.
I'm really glad you've requested this story in my thread. I may have never read it otherwise, denying myself at least thirty minutes of enormous reading - and reviewing - pleasure per chapter :D
You may be proud of yourself. Totally awesome writing.Author's Response: Wow. Your reviews are very encouraging, Z. I dunno what to say... Mind if I use smileys? (T_T)
So you read chapter 2? Obviously. Aw, it means a lot to me. :)
Yeah, Ginny featuring so much angst, I worried she was turning OOC. Do you know the saying "You never know what you've got until it's gone"? (ehm... something like that. hehe) I based this chapter on that saying.
Your comment, "I guess it's hard to get over someone you fancy a lot but can't be yours; at the same time it's hard to date someone else when your heart belongs to someone else." Wow, you nailed it, Z. :) Yeah, that's exactly how she's feeling.
The common room scene: That was fun to write. I love misunderstandings in stories. CQTM
Hmm... a future Neville/Ginny? Would be a great plot twist, but I never saw them as a couple together. He, together with Luna, will assist Ginny in getting back Hermione. :)
I can't thank you enough for reading this chapter. *huggles* :) Report Review
This was waaay too good.
I admire the ease you're writing past-paced, beautifully flowing dialogues. This is something I couldn't master yet, no matter how hard I'd been trying so far; so I might just as well be slightly positively biased, yet again :D Wonderful job. Reads really well and smooth.
Plotwise, I'm really curious how on Hermione and Astoria, a Gryffindor and a Slytherin could possible got into a situation where they could bear with breathing in the same air longer than five minutes. Secondly, I'm eager to know how they managed not to hex each other into next century, and third, which hex Astoria had used to convince Hermione to fly together with her. All in all nice challenges for a writer, and you pulled them off marvellously, very much believably. I LOVED the scene with the two flying, all these small "ohmygodimgoingtodie" mantras of Hermione. In the light of all this, the sentence "And it was Astoria, who showed this all to her." obtains a few different, allegoric meanings.
Finally, the third scene. It's, to say the least, an awkward one, with a huge "A". That awkwardness shines through each and every sentence and it's the best possible proof of your mastery. One imagines himself into your heroes' shoes and I guess that was your primary target.
Simply wonderful. 10/10.Author's Response: Hello Z! :)
Honestly, when I saw your review here, I was like (o.O)... now in written form: I was positively surprised when I saw another one of your great reviews because I didn't expect that you'd actually continue reading past the prologue. hehehe
Now let's see. Thanks on commenting on my writing style (re: dialogues), and even liking it.
The plot: Ah yeah, I used the Slytherin Vs Gryffindor cliche here. But Astoria is actually an adorable and likable person in this story, thus, Hermione didn't have a hard time getting along well with her. They don't hate each other as much as Draco or Pansy hate Hermione.
Aw. You liked the "flying on the broom" scene? Thanks.
Hmm... the third scene, where Ginny feels awkward talking with Hermione about her new "girlfriend". LOL I had fun writing that scene.
Thanks so much for this review. :) But don't worry about giving negative feedback, too, or any constructive criticism. I'm trying to improve my writing and the reason I asked a review from you is because I think you're a fantastic writer I can learn a lot from. :)
Cheers. :) Report Review
OK, I have to say upfront that I'm not a big fan of slash and you are one of the two writers that can seduce me to read slash stories.
I assume that this chapter is from Hermione's POV and with "she" she means Ginny. Only someone in love, albeit unrequited, can spean un such beautiful words about another person.
Somehow I understand Ginny denying any romantic involvement with Hermione in front of the others. I can't really imagine Harry, Ron, the other Gryffies being approving of such relationship, although I imagine she will have to open up at one point. A loud denial is as good as a silent ageement, I always say.
What puzzled me here is that Ginny already seemed to "have come out". Spe spoke here about dating girls as if it were an accepted fact, any other girl except Hermione.
The text flows nicely. Without exagerrated poetry, yet an impeccably clean style.
There’ve never been an Us and never been a We.
I would have put quotation marks around "us" and "we" in this sentence.
Furthermore, a prima first chapter. One would never say English is not your mother tongue. I'm officially sucked in. Good job!Author's Response: I didn't expect that you'd actually read it. I was uncertain to request from you, you see, since I'm a fan of your writing and reading your opinion on my mediocre story with all its grammar and flaws, made me super nervous. ^_^' But don't get me wrong, I can handle criticism...
You're the only writer that can seduce me to read Harmony, too, so I know what you mean.
Yeah, Hermione is narrating this story, and "she" refers to Ginny, but they are not in love, at least 'not way' or consciously. Writing this story was a little bit tricky because it's about friendship-love, and the 'slash' thingy refers to Astoria/Hermione, who are 'not' in love with each other at all. See... tricky.
Huh? Ginny "came out"? She's actually in complete denial throughout the whole story... hmm...
Anyhoo... Thanks for the feedback, Zoltan.
Wow, once again well written :)Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) Report Review
Hey, me again!
Great chapter! I really liked everything that happened and I like how the plot is developing. I think you're doing really well showing the emotions of all the characters and I liked that we learned the motives behind Astoria hanging out with Hermione. Good job with Ginny's freak-out, haha. Really well written. And I thought the comments from Ginny's OC roommates were really well entered into the scene. I can't wait to see what happens next... great job!
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reading and leaving a review, DarkRose! ;) Report Review
Yay!! Glad you posted again!!Author's Response: Hello TheChosenOnes1!
Thank you for coming back. I'm glad you liked this update. Hope to read you again soon. :) Report Review
Hey, me again!
Great chapter! Really awesome. It takes a while to get through these though, you know? But anyhow, review:
I thought it was really cool that you explained Hermione and Ginny's past in this chapter. I really liked looking at their friendship/relationship through Ginny's eyes. Really good job.
I enjoyed Ginny's emotions here too. You translate everything so well onto paper. You're a terrific writer.
Great job with the ending scene. I felt so terrible for Ginny. :/ And I really enjoyed that you added Arnold in--I love him! :D I felt every emotion that Ginny was feeling and it was so sad... But I liked the cliffhanger question about who she was with before. We'll see who it was.
I hope things get resolved between them... I hate the fighting. :[ Great, great job though!
I'll review the next chapter soon. :]
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Hello again, hun! Thanks loads for coming back and leaving another review. :D
I thought there was too much fluff in this chapter but I'm glad you liked it. hehe Yeah, Ginny and Hermione shared a very strong friendship-relationship together that it almost seemed liked they were actually together. For Ginny, it's like the first and worst "breakup" she'd ever had, even though she'd dated lots of boys in the past already. It was just different when she was the one who got ditched, by her best friend and closest friend, no less.
Yeah, I HAD TO include Arnold. hehe He's so adorable.
Thank you so much for reading and leaving a review. :D Report Review
Ahahahaha, well! This is a terrific first chapter! I love how you write! It's great that you don't really understand exactly what's happening until the exact moment where you think it's something else. You do really well with that.
I loved the characterization of all the characters. Ron's the best, haha. How silly. And I love that all these rumors are starting just because Lavender is a gossip. Ugh, I hate that girl. :P
I feel terrible for Ginny. She thinks they're talking about something completely awkward when really they're just talking about Astoria teaching Hermione to fly. Hahaha, it's ridiculous.
You're doing really, really well. I can't wait to read the next chapter. Great job!
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Thank you loads, DarkRose! :D Your reviews are very encouraging. I love it. ^_^
Oh and I'm happy that you liked Ron's characterization here. I had problems writing him. But I'm glad he turned out somewhat okay. :) hehe I hate Lavender even in the books. Dunno why, but she was never really likable.
Aw... yeah, poor Ginny. hehe She's too unhappy to see what's actually really going on.
Again, thank you very much for leaving a review. I appreciate it a lot. :D
This is actually DarkRose from the forums with a review you requested... four months ago. :o I'm incredibly sorry it took so long for me to get to this. I disappeared from the forums and the site for a while to focus on school, and I'm just now coming back.
Here are my thoughts on your story though! :]
Well, first off, you're an incredible writer! Everything flows so, so nicely. And the characterization is flawlessly consistent. I wish I knew who was narrating though! That's so frustrating! :] I think it's Hermione, though. I can't see Hermione being the girl the narrator's describing at least (the mining vomiting and being immature). So that's what makes me think she's narrating.
And I really like all the emotions that come through with your writing. It's really cool to see the story play out through the narrator's eyes. You can tell she's hurt and upset, but also frustrated and defiant. I like the combination.
I think that this is a terrific beginning to a story, and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Again, I'm sorry for the delay. :/
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Hello! Thank you so much, DarkRose, for reading and leaving a great and very encouraging review. I appreciate it a lot. :D *hugs* And don't worry, I didn't mind the long wait. Even *I* completely disappeared from this site and abandoned my reviews thread 4 months ago. (T.T) Gonna try to catch up, though... Life can be very busy. :(
About this prologue:
My plan was to have the readers figure out who the narrator of this story is by putting pieces of information and hints together as they go chapter by chapter.
But well, you already figured out so quickly. (T.T) Wasn't that hard, was it? :)
Thanks again for the time and review. Report Review
Ooo boy, yet another amazing chapter.Author's Response: Thank you! :) I hope you read more. ^_^ Report Review
Aww...I loved it it was so passionate! I am going to read the rest and commentAuthor's Response: I hope you do keep reading and leaving comments if you feel like it, because it would make me SO happy and would mean SO much to me. :) I'm about to post the next chapter, so an update will follow soon. :) Thanks! :) :) Report Review
I'm digging the story!! Can't wait for the next chapter, keep it up!Author's Response: Thanks a bunch for leaving a comment. :) *hugs* Report Review
NO! I read all everything on this story tonight and you leave me with a cliff hanger! -cries-
Please post another chapter soon! I need to know what happens!
and the narrator.. is Hermione right?Author's Response: LOL You read it all at one sitting? :) It's a lot! hehe But I'm glad you enjoyed this story so far. I'm working on the next chapter already. :) Thanks. Report Review
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