Okay, so I noticed that this was last updated sometime back in 2010... please don't abandon it? Please? I really, really love it.
I love the twist here, and I'd be very intrigued to see how Charity went from this place in her life to being a Muggle Studies professor, a choice for which she would ultimately meet her doom. The contrast between Severus in this scene and in the previous one is really tangible, as is that between the two versions of Charity herself. I thought your characterization of everyone was great, but especially Voldemort, who cast his usual charming but intimidating figure over the others. Your imagery was quite well done as well, particularly at the beginning of the chapter when Charity is going to the meeting.
Nicely done! Please consider updating again soon? :) I promise I'll leave lots of pretty reviews for you if you do!
academica (Slytherin) Report Review
So I swiped this one off of a friend's favorites page, and I thought, "ooh, what a cool pairing!". I've never seen a Snape/Burbage piece before, so I was stoked to read it.
This first chapter was so sad and beautiful. I really think you did it justice. You conveyed her emotions incredibly well, and I loved the compassion she showed for Draco and the disgust she felt toward some of the more seasoned Death Eaters. I'm already so intrigued about what will be explored in the Severus/Charity relationship, so I'm on to the next chapter!
academica (Slytherin) Report Review
Loving the other POV from this scene! What a marvelous way to start an intriguing story. I do hope that you continue with this concept. It's intriguing, novel and all dark and scary too.
Don't stop!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked the POV. :) Hopefully the next chapter will be up within a week or two! Report Review
Charity Burbage? Wicked choice, first of all. You wrote her thoughts of her last moment very well, I felt her desperation and fear as she looked around the table at people she once knew. And because of that, you've made me very eager to find out her history - her relationship with them and why she was avoiding capture for so many years. I don't think I've ever read anything about Prof. Burbage before and I always thought she pleaded with Severus to help her because they were colleagues but this...this is different, I like this.
You've made a great start ^_^
Lia. Report Review
At the start, you wrote "and watched the girl leave"- I think it would be better as "her" and not "the girl" as it is in Charity's pov.
You should write in the part where she apparates and disapparates from her home to Diagon Alley, as its kind of very sudden and a bit hard to follow.
"Again making sure that no one was near,"- it just seems a bit...dry? Is that the right word? Something like, "She glanced over her shoulder, to double check that nobody was near.."
I think it could with a tiny bit more description of the building she steps into, okay we got that it's small, but what is it made out of? Marble? Or Stone? Does it have mirros? Or just bare?
Same with the room, a tiny bit more, just so the reader gets a better picture of what's taking place. Also, you could add in what are they sitting on, if they're chairs, benches etc
"a year her junior"- I'm sure that's a very american thing to say.
"how, exately the business"- the comma shouldn't be in the sentence.
The part with Snape being crouched over himself, I just can't see him doing something like that, he lied to everyone he knew for his whole life, probably before the Dark Lord come into the room, but when he does he would put on his facade and force himself to sit up straight. He did spy for Dumbledore while keeping everyone else clueless. Just my thoughts.
I really liked how you ended this chapter, it was great.
It was a really cool chapter, but I think I would like to see a bit more of her feelings about what she is doing and why. So you can get more into her mind...but you don't have to.
Hope you keep writing it!Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'll definitely go back and make those changes in the beginning with the clarity and all. I'll also liven up that sentence a bit. ;)
I can't believe I missed describing the building--I guess I was so preoccupied with describing directly what Charity was experiencing that I didn't think twice...but I'll go back and add it in the way you're suggesting, for sure.
Thanks for catching that Americanism! I'll change it to "a year below her" or something of the sort.
Hmm, I see what you're saying about Snape...I still see him as introverted--though I agree with you when you say that he'd put on more of a confident air on when Voldemort enters, and I'll be sure to add that in--in that particular moment, I'll change his action so it doesn't come off the wrong way.
I'm thrilled you liked the ending! I was afraid that it would come off as a trying-too-hard-cliffhanger, but I'm glad that you don't think that. :)
This chapter (and probably the next, as well) is supposed to be...a bit mysterious in terms of Charity's character. I purposely didn't reveal too much because I didn't want it to, combined with the description and the present situation, get too wordy and overwhelming, I wanted to focus on this one task of Charity's. Her feelings will come out very quickly within the next two chapters or so, though, definitely.
Thanks again for the wonderful review! I really do love this and the last that you've left for this story, they're immensely helpful. :) Report Review
Last but not least...Hello, props. I'm here to fill your review request. Before I jump in, just to let you know I did read both chapters (though I'm combining them here in one review), and as I said in the thread, I'll be providing mostly critique - just so you don't feel picked on :)
Let me start by saying that my initial reaction to this story is that it looks really promising. I detect the strong scent of plot and that always makes me very happy. The two chapters work well together in establishing that you (Charity) have a strong story to tell, ie how a young woman goes from being a servant of Voldemort to being his victim. You very cleverly picked up on some of the quotes from DH and ran away with them. I love it!
You mentioned characterization and flow in your request so I'll focus next on those. Characterization is a bit tough to comment on after just two chapters and when we don't have a lot of Charity from the books to use for comparison. That said, I like that you didn't try to do too much with Charity too quickly. Not forcing her life story down the reader's throat right off the bat gives me reason to keep coming back for more. The little glimpses of her in chapter one all make sense within the context of the story: she sounds a lot like other young death eaters with her enthrallment and desire for family status - and yet she's not unlikeable. I wasn't as taken with Voldemort in Chapter One though I can't quite put my finger on what felt off. Somehow I didn't feel he was totally captured here. I can more imagine him making everyone wait for his arrival - perhaps being a little less interested in these young people? He has a strong number of supporters by this point and these new recruits are still just teenagers after all.
As to flow, like I said above, I thought these chapters worked well together. The scene you selected for the prologue was a strong place to start as it is not only familiar, it sets up the conflict to come and gives the reader a hint of the journey the story will take. Chapter One is a great follow up as it steps back and shows the reader just how far Charity will have to travel before her death. It also throws in a totally new element - a Death Eater Charity. That's a very new twist on her and really opens up a whole world of possibilities on how her life ended up as it did.
As promised, I do have some critique for you. While I like a LOT about this story, it does feel at times a bit overwritten. For example, in the prologue, there were a lot of question marks...literally. I'm not sure if many people really have internal monologues like that. I'm not sure it hit the emotional target you were aiming for. Chapter One was better in that respect. There was better sentence length variation and more usage of "ing" over "ed." I'm not sure your attention to detail was totally balanced throughout, however. You did well describing the more "mundane" actions of her traveling and arriving but cut short the ending a bit. The darkest wizard of all time has just appeared in the middle of the room. That entrance got one sentence while her walking down a narrow hallway got a short paragraph. Make sure not to loose focus of what's most interesting and important for the reader to know. You've got good description skills but just try and be a bit more discerning on where to use them most effectively.
That wasn't actually as much critique as I anticipated but hopefully there is still something useful for you in my ramblings. Thanks for making the request and sharing your story with me. I hope you continue on with this piece.Author's Response: First, thanks for taking this review on. :) And thank you for the review itself!
I'm glad that you think it looks promising--I'm really excited about this myself, and I want it to be the absolute best that it can.
I see what you're saying about Voldemort--I did kind of struggle with how I wanted to portray him in this setting. After thinking on it for a while, I figured that this wasn't the only part of the recruiting process by far--it was just the tail end of it. The kids there are basically already Death Eaters--they've gone through horrible rituals, seen the worst of Voldemort and they're the ones left and still willing at the end. At this point, I feel that Voldemort would want to sugarcoat everything and make them feel all special so they don't lose interest. Basically, the worst of the worst has already happened and Voldemort is just going through "tradition", if you will, now. Does that make any sense? I'll look over that part of the chapter again for sure though because I was a bit iffy about writing him.
I'm so happy that you thought the chapters worked well together, flow-wise! I was worried that they might clash with the POV shift and the tense shift.
I'll look again at the prologue...I do have a tendency to overdo internal monologues and things like it...*blushes* I'll try and make it more realistic, thought-wise. Ah...I totally get what you're saying about balancing the description. When I wrote the first part, before Voldemort, my description-muse was going nutty...then the second part was much slower to write because I took a while on it and felt pressured to get it done--I'll add more description there, definitely.
Thank you so much for this review! It's helped so much and is exactly what I wanted. :) Report Review
Hi. I only just noticed today that you'd made an update on this story. I know I'm a little late to review but I just had to take the time out to praise you on this brilliant follow up to the previous chapter.
I've never witnessed an initiation ceremony before, so it was interesting to read about. You encapsulated the intense atmosphere very well; it was almost as though I was about to be branded by the Dark Mark myself.
I like the fact that there was very little dialogue in this chapter as well. You made good use of the silence by describing the scene surrounding Charity. It's interesting to see her thoughts in this chapter contrasting with her thoughts in the previous one; this was obviously before she realised that she didn't want to follow Voldemort anymore. You showed how ill her knowledge was of Voldemort, it seems to be this big, exciting oppurtunity for her, but I'm sure that soon she'll discover that it's not.
Severus is yet to speak; of course, he's not one to be very open about his emotions seeing as he regards doing such a thing as weak. That's one of the many things that intrigues me about Snape, and you seem to have characterized him spot on so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how he'll interact with Charity in future chapters; this ship will obviously be very different to the ones I'm used to reading about.
The writing was great. you used the perfect amount of description and your words flowed well together. I can find no critisism for your work and I'm very much looking forward to reading the next chapter. I really like this story so far, it's very different and original.
Katie (JaneTwilight)Author's Response: Thank you for another wonderful review! :)
I am utterly THRILLED that you thought I captured the atmosphere of the setting. I put a lot of thought into it, and, really, the idea and thought of it is what gave me most of my muse and inspiration for this chapter, so I'm glad that it paid off. :D
Yes, Charity's got a lot more in store for her than what she expects. All she's been told of is the glamour and the high-pureblood-class lifestyle, and she's just eager to be accepted into the society that her parents weren't.
I'm glad that you think Snape's in character, with the little that we've seen of him so far. He's basically trying to both appear like he's holding his own and blend into the scenery of this situation.
I'm so happy that you like this! I'm hoping that my muse will start whizzing around with the queue closure, because I've got the next chapter ready to write, in my mind, at least. :) Again, thanks for the review!
i thought this was a very nicely written first chapter. i don't recall what exactly i liked so much about your prologue but i do remember one of the things was how effortlessly it flowed and read. this chapter was the same way. your words were easy, almost fun, to read. that makes it so much easier for me as a reviewer. believe me. i don't know how into reviewing you are yourself but trust me when i tell you this helps. a lot.
my personal opinion is that where you cut this off is not awkward in the least. in fact, i believe it's almost beneficial. i'm not going to lie: i do wish that this chapter could have been much longer but the way you did this worked out well too. you gave out enough information to keep all of your readers happy and eager to see what is to come, and that's all you can really do and hope for when starting a story. i think the ending really leaves your readers wanting more. i hope that's what you are looking for! (:
your description, for lack of a better word, is perfect. not in the full sense of the word, of course, seeing as there is no way i could judge that well, but definitely with most of it. you had a very detailed setting and your thought process with Charity, although minimal in this chapter, also offered a lot of depth and clarity. this chapter wasn't long at all but i felt like you got a lot more accomplished than what i would usually see in a chapter of this length. good job with that!
your characterization is off to a great start as well. i won't comment long on it because i am never a good reviewer when it comes to talking about characterization early on but i will mention this: Charity is going to be a character i will like. i'm not sure what it is about her just yet but i have this feeling that as i continue to read this story i will grow to like her more and more. i'm really pleased that she could appeal to me so quickly and so easily.
overall, i am very impressed with this story in general so far. there is so much that could happen with this and i am definitely very excited to see what you decide to do. the ceremony in the next chapter will surely be interesting. i'm excited! do request again on my thread when you have an update, please! i would honestly love to explore this story further as you progress it! i know you will do whatever you can to make this story a success and keep things interesting, something i love. i wish you the best of luck! (:Author's Response: Thank you for another fantastic review!
Oh, I'm so glad that this was an easy read! I'm always afraid that my writing might be stiff or forced in some places, I'm glad that it isn't so here. And I'm glad that you liked the cliffhanger. ;)
I'm thrilled that you liked the description! In the first part of the story especially, it's where my muse was running wild and I could really picture the place in my head--I'm happy that it came off that way. :)
I'll be sure to request once I have another chapter up! I'm happy that you're enjoying the story, because I do love your reviews. :D There should hopefully be another chapter up once the queue closure is over. Report Review
What an interesting start. You have definitely gotten me very curious about Charity and her life. I'll be looking forward to more!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I hope you like the next chapter. :) Report Review
You've updated! Lovely!
I find this chapter particularly intriguing. There was really no character development, but there was a move on the plot so I don't think it would be considered completely filler.
I'm really curious now as to why Charity would want to be a death eater. So I think that was a good lead on. I especially like how she is in awe when she sees Voldemort instead of in complete disgust as one would think given her later position.
It makes me wonder how she got mixed up in all of this mischief and warped views.
So good job there!
I can't wait to see how the relationship between she and Severus develops, especially since she doesn't seem to know much about him, as of the moment.
As for spelling and grammatical errors, I didn't catch anything that was glaringly obvious, so great job there.
Shame on you for ending on a cliffhanger. Now I want to see what happens next. Not that I wouldn't have read the next chapter anyway, but it makes me all the more curious.
LindersAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing again!
I've made the Burbages a pureblood family, but her parents never made it into the ranks of the Death Eaters. Charity did. She's kind of relatable to Snape--without the family like his, and her motives for switching in the end are different.
Haha, the evil cliffhangers. :D I'll probably have the next chapter up after the queue closure ends.
Thanks again for the great review! Report Review
Hello, silverink from the forums here with your review :D
Okay, I loved this. A lot. The way she thinks about her coming death was excellent, and extremely well done. Although I've never experienced the feeling you get just before you know it's all over, this is exactly how I would assume it would feel. Awesome. "The fear of everything that is coming--or everything that is not--is consuming me" One of my favourite lines. And-- PRESENT TENSE!! I love present tense. I think it makes things seem more real, in a way. You know? And I'm in awe of how you incorporated those quotes from the Deathly Hallows into the chapter. It was just... :D A big smiley face.
There was only one grammar error I noticed: "Disgusting creatures, they are." I don't think there's supposed to be a comma there.
I like how you didn't use contractions a lot of the time, but I got confused because sometimes you did but other times you didn't. Was there some kind of pattern or order to that? Just curious, I tend to notice those things and it seemed a little strange to me.
All in all, this is a wonderful beginning and I'd love to read on. It's very original and Snape is one of my favourite characters-- I haven't seen a romance fic based around him unless it was with Lily, and in those cases she didn't even love him back. Poor Sev.
Great job and feel free to re-request! :)
-silver inkAuthor's Response: Thank you for the great review!!
Now I haven't experienced pending death either, obviously, but I did hope that Charity's fears and thoughts sounded real, and I'm glad you thought so. :) While the middle chapters will be past tense, the epilogue will be in present tense, too. I wanted it to come across as the prologue and epilogue are the 'here and now' moment, and that the actual story is a kind of flashback/memory sort of thing.
Funny you mention the contraction thing, because I actually noticed that myself as I was writing it--not using contractions, especially in first person, makes me feel odd, but I thought that Charity's character wouldn't use them. In the parts that really bugged me, though, I put them in. Since someone other than me noticed it, though, I might go back and give it some sort of rhythm or pattern.
Thanks again for the review! It helped a lot, and I'll be sure to rerequest. :D Report Review
Hey, I'm sorry that I'm only getting to this now. To be honest, I hadn't seen it on the forums until now when I was browsing someone's author's favorites, so my apologies for getting to this so late.
This was a very curious start, but I liked it very much. The characterization of Charity was rather loose, as of yet, so I'm interested in seeing that develop and progress as the story goes on. I must admit, that her fear seems very real and I think is quite realistic.
I'm just surprised she didn't mention the snake.
I especially like that you included some quotes from DH in your story. That ties it in with the Wizarding World, all the more.
However, I'm glad that you chose the moment you did to start the story. It seems a very intriguing spot to start, and I really cannot wait to see what happens next. I assume that it's going to be flash backs or going backward from chronological order, but that doesn't mean that it's any less exciting.
I am really intrigued. What does she need forgiveness from? I'll definitely have to keep reading and see if this is revealed sometime soon.
Though, this is quite short, I have to admit that I like what I've seen thus far. This seems like it will be quite interesting! Keep up the good work!
LindersAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you so much for the lovely review!
I'm glad that you thought her fear was realistic; I was afraid that I might've gone overboard with it. Hmm, I actually hadn't thought of mentioning the snake...I guess I assumed that she wouldn't have had a chance to see it until after Voldemort had killed her, but you're right, it would have made sense to mention it here. I might go back and add something in about it. :)
This is actually just a 'regular' prologue--the next chapter will flash back to the start of the actual story, and it will move forward from there. The epilogue will either be this moment in time in Severus' point of view, or Charity's last milliseconds.
I'm happy that the story has you intrigued so far and that you like it. :) Most of the first chapter is written, so I hope to have it up soon.
Wow. I think... No, I know that this is the first time I've seen this pairing.
The way you used the quotes, it really fits into your story, and it's plausible.
I love your description, of her being hung upside down and such. It's insanely messed up, but in the best way. (:
This is a great start to your story, I can't wait to see what the next chapter's like!
-JasmineAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I love the pairing, too. I can't take credit for it, though--I was given it for a challenge. ;) I'm glad that you liked the description and quotes, too.
The next chapter will be up soon! Thank you again for the review. :) Report Review
i honestly love prologues that do something along these lines. i'm not sure why but the shorter they are, the more exciting they are for me and this one is no exception. your descriptions and thoughts were perfect for the moment and left enough hanging where i think all of your readers will want to come back for more, which i am sure you are happy to hear.
my impression is that this story has A LOT of potential. honestly. you can do a lot with this story and i really want to be there to witness it all. you have set up your characters in a very easy was to access them again which is also a plus. by putting them out there, you are able to keep them out there which opens up the story in a hundred new directions.
your flow was stupendous. no doubt about it. this first chapter was so easy to read and understand. a lot of writers have a bit of trouble when it comes to writing at a nice and easy pace for their readers but you don't seem to have a problem at all with that, so keep that up!
overall, i thought this was a wonderful introductory chapter. you did a nice job of setting everything up for the future chapters that are to come. feel free to request again on my review thread anytime, especially when you update this story. i would love to see where you end up taking this. keep up the amazing work and have a fantastic day!!Author's Response: Wow, thanks for getting to the review so quickly, and an incredibly fantastic one at that!!
Yes, I'm thrilled to hear that! It's exactly what I wanted to do with this prologue--pull the readers in, and I'm glad that you thought that that succeeded.
This review has me grinning from ear to ear! I'm so glad that you liked it, and I hope that this story lives up to what you think it can become. I'll definitely rerequest once I get chapter 1 up, which should be submitted to the queue in less than a week. :)
Thank you again!! Report Review
I really liked this, and I thought it made a really good beginning. It created her anxiety and confusion really well. I thought you varied your sentence lengths really well to create that sense of verging on madness.
EmmaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm you thought her feelings were good, and that the sentences coveyed that.
Thanks again!! Report Review
I actually saw this banner and was thinking of reading the story a few times, but never got around to it. ;)
At the start, there are too many short sentences, that it reads a bit choppy. Might want to change one of the fullstops with a comma. Like - 'After twenty years..,'- change it to "After twenty years, here I was; though, about to die".
When she talks about being honoured about being killed by Voldemort, the second part of "Should I be honoured" because she says that she should then she asks the question after, which I thought was a bit...odd. Why not change the second part to "Was I honoured?" as it's just an extra part of the first question.
"at me as thought I am"- the word 'thought' should be 'though'.
"Now I face Severus"- in this sentence you might want to add a bit more smooth, add a bit more to it, something like "I swivel around a bit more to come face-to-face with Severus"- or something along those lines.
"what that meant" – what what meant? Is it about the saying she just said, you might want to say what 'dying with dignity meant'...okay, that was a bad example.
"-or is all that is not"- it reads awkwardly. How about just "-isn't coming"
"Am I to lose everything that makes me a person, a living, breathing human being, one by one?"- ummm...would it be better as, "Am I going to lose everything that makes me a living, breathing human being, one by one?"
I think you did an absolutely amazing job with the pairing, and the fact that you used the scene from the books was a brilliant move, because the reader can associate with it and sets up the scene for the later chapters, which is amazing.
It was short but seriously, it was brilliantly written!! I really liked it! :)Author's Response: Wow, thank you for reviewing this so fast! And I'm glad that the story had caught your eye on its own, too.
Ugh, typos and such. Thanks for pointing them out, I'll be sure to go in and fix everything. Your other suggestions are great as well. :)
I'm glad you liked it! Chapter 2 should be out soon.
Thanks again for the review. :) Report Review
I recall you mentioning this story in the 'Help Needed' section a few days back, and when I saw that you'd validated it just now, I simply couldn't resist taking a sneak peak at this innovative writing adventure.
The Charity/Snape ship for me is ground-breaking in the fiction world of Harry Potter; you have succeeded in unearthing a character that is equally as absorbing and mysterious as the Prince himself. The both of them make quite an intriguing couple to behold; I just love pairings that are fresh from a person's imagination, ones that have never been used or even considered before.
I'll begin with the characterization of Charity, she's the character who has the most to comment on. Alas, she died in the company of an assortment of the most unpleasent natures in the Harry Potter series, mocked and humiliated through to her last breath. The first chapter of the seventh book saddened me abundantly, but this prologue succeeded in bringing me to tears. I tip my hat to you for that (If I had one), it isn't often that a piece of writing can stir such emotion in me. It was minly the insight into Charity's final thoughts and feelings that really got to me, most particularly the part where she described losing her sanity.
Charity has always been a character to wonder about, simply for the fact that she died a heroine's death, yet we knew so little about her. It's these kinds of stories that I keep an eye out for, because they explore elements of the Harry Potter universe that JK has left in the shadows. I like the fact that you've paired her with Snape; there aren't many characters that I think would suit him in order to keep the story realistic. Charity, with us knowing so little about her definitley seems like a possibility, I'd really like to read more about that relationship; for a character as complex and evasive as Severus Snape, it is undoubtable that this story has potential.
I hated Severus whilst reading this. Although I knew it was never in his intentions to deny her help, he had very little choice taking into consideration the situation he himself was in. Had he chosen to help her, his disloyalty to Voldemort would have been obvious, and the consequences of such actions could have brought the entire book to a halt. I'd really like to know what was going on in his head though; did he have an internal struggle to help her? Or did he not love her anymore? Either way, your characterization of him was spot on.
I like the fact that you've chosen this scene from the book in particular to use for the prologue. By starting off at the only chapter where us Potter fans acknowledged Burbage's presence in the series you can get to grips with everything that we as readers know, before developing it into your own original story.
For me I couldn't find a single flaw in this chapter. I did honestly try to find something to point out, but I failed. The storyline was beautiful, emotive and it has definitley gained my full attention. I can't wait for an update. The writing was brilliant, everything flowed well together so the chapter was easy to read, and I couldn't spot a single mistake.
Keep up the amazing work; I'm definitley adding this to my list of favourites.
A clear 10/10
Jane_VolturiAuthor's Response: Oh my goodness, what a wonderful first review for this story! Thank you so much for taking the time to write out something so thoughtful. :)
I have to say, I can't take credit for the ship itself. ;) I got it as a prompt for LindaSnape's "Severely Obsessed" challenge--and I've actually had it for a couple months, and only got around to writing it recently.
I'm so glad you liked Charity in this chapter--and I'm honored that it was so emotional for you. :) I thought that it might be all over the place in that sense, I'm glad that it worked.
Snape does have so few characters he could be paired with. To be honest, I'm a diehard Snape/Lily shipper, so it took a bit of thinking on my part to find a way to make these two work. I hope that the way I'm planning to write their relationship will be interesting, though.
The first chapter of DH has always made me think--I've seen so much discussion of it, on what Snape could have done, on the internet, but like you said: he couldn't have done anything. Charity in her sane frame of mind wouldn't have wanted him to do anything. Dumbledore wouldn't have wanted him to do anything. I'm actually considering writing the epilogue, where we'll be back to this point in time, in his POV.
Thank you so much again. This review really, really made my day, even more so because it was totally unexpected. The next chapter should be in the queue pretty soon. :)
--propertyoftheHBP Report Review
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