Really cute idea, but it gets lost in some grammar mistakes (apostrophes, commas) and some awkward phrasing. Great start though.

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I loved how terrified Ron was when he realized he had broken the broom--that was hysterical. It meshed well with the main action of the scene, where the twins were fierce (for 5 year olds, anyway). I think you did a great job. I do like the fact that Ron was still scared of the bear, even after it was changed back. And his lisp is adorable!

I would work on some mechanics: your paragraphs are really long, especially to be reading online, because readers often start reading the wrong line when there's a huge block of text. Try starting a new paragraph every time a different person speaks and it'll help a lot. 7/10.

siriusgirl1

Author's Response: I always thought the twins, when they were young, were just trying to amuse themselves and not others. Thats why they are pretty fierce.

And thank you so much for you compliments and tips. I'll think about it when I write again. Thank you.

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Haha aww poor Ron!!! I hate spiders, and would be totally freaked if someone turned my bear into millions of spiders!

Author's Response: I agree, but I would scream nor cry, I would just faint of the shock. Especially at that age.

But thank you!

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Aww! It's adorable! Its such a breath of fresh air after all of the dark dramas that are on this site! Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much.

In my opinion this story (and more of the Weasley older memories and even Harry's) was missing on this site, so I took is as my job. I'm glad that you liked it!



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Aw this was cute! (: Ron is adorable, as always. Great job, and I really like your style of writing! Although as a little bit of constructive criticism, may I suggest breaking up your paragraphs a bit more so that the reader doesn't get too overwhelmed? That's the only thing I noticed, but not to worry, it didn't take away from the overall story in the slightest! Please keep writing.(:

Author's Response: Thank you for the criticism, it's really helpfull. I've had some diffcult writing in English (I'm Dutch myself) and had never given much thought about the paragraphs. But I will be watching those in my next story.

Thank you so much for the compliments!

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this is a really cute idea, i never really considered why ron hates spiders so much!(:

Author's Response: Mine either and since this wasn't on this site, I took it as my job to write something about it. And it always makes me laugh if Ron talks about spiders, so I also wanted to write about it. And besides, I love a toddler Ron and little Fred & George!

So, thank you.

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Poor ron! He was so cute and adorable! Fred and Geroge didn't change much though! Liked it!

Author's Response: I always thought about Fred & George being the same little pranksters at young age, only at such an age it's considered as cute and adorable. But when they grow up it's just amusing and sometimes a pain in the ass.

Anyway, I' very glad you liked it. Thank you.

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