Poor Marlene! And what the heck was Remus thinking? That doesn't much sound like Remus, unless of course he is worried about her finding out about his condition. In which case I could see him pushing her away for her safety. Though, someone ought to hit him upside the head, it's the first day back! lol
Aside from a few typos here and there, I didn't see much that really bothered me in terms of grammar and such. Though, sometimes the dialogue seems a bit stiff to me, but since I am atrocious at writing dialogue, I"m not sure I can really comment on how to fix it :(
I'm still looking forward to seeing how Sirius differs from every other Sirius story, and I so hope he doesn't break Emmy's heart, because that would be sad. Course, I don't mind unhappy endings (as you are well aware).
This review is far shorter than I anticipated, and probably because I'm tired from work. But feel free to request again when chapter 3 is up. I'm really enjoying what you have. I wanna know why Remus totally flaked out on Marlene, and I wanna know how Emmy plans on getting the infamous Sirius Black's attention.
LenAuthor's Response: ZOMG! I'LL NEVER TELL. BUT, you're on the right track as to why Remus pulled things off with being friends with Marlene. But there MAY be more to it than just that. Muahahaha!
So do I, I hope he doesn't break Emmy's heart too. Oops, did I just blow my cover by saying I didn't know where this story is going?! Kidding, I know where it's going, but it could change at any time as the outline is in my head for the most part. Glad to see you're still liking the story, though. (: Thanks! Report Review
Here with review #1.
First I'd like to say that the style of this piece is different than your other stories, and that's great. Also, I'd like to commend you for actually attempting to write a Marauders story.
I am intrigued to find out how Emmy is gonna capture Sirius's attention. I am certain that will be quite difficult to do. Im not sure if I should feel sorry for her or excited.
Now, as for con-crit, I wish there was more description, especially of the room the girls are in at the end. Plus I feel as though there is so much that could have been added to that scene.
I sort of wish that Sirius wasn't a player though, since almost everyone seems to wrote him that way. It'll be interesting to see how you make him different, which I am looking forward to seeing.
Overall, excellent first chapter!Author's Response: LEN! squishes. Thanks so much for such a lovely review! And I'm glad you've enjoyed this chapter and I'll work on adding in more description into this story as I continue to writing it. I really do appreciate the feedback, especially the constructive criticism. Thanks! (: Report Review
You show the friendship between the girls really well, and if the pace is a little slow, that's normal for a first chapter! I think you could work on making your dialogue more natural, but you've really painted a fleshed out picture of Hogwarts and established a 'feel' of school, which can be quite tricky!Author's Response: Yes, I do tend to start first chapters off slow, but hopefully it will all pick up in the next chapter or so... I hope. And thanks again for the positive critique with how I'm setting the scene for what is to come next. :) Report Review
MERRY CHRISTMAS MY LOVELY! I hope Santa brings you much more, but here's a measley review to tide you over!
Firstly: hats off for daring to step outside your comfort zone into Marauders: I'd never have guessed if you hadn't said it that this wasn't your era! You've got a great dynamic with your marauders, they're very much teenage boys!
You've done a wonderful job of creating realistic friendships, characters and you've fleshed out the scene beautifully: no scrimping on details. It really does feel like an actual school scene, which many fanfic don't seem to capture, and you've set the scene for lots of drama! I'm sure it will be epic!Author's Response: JO! Thanks so much for the lovely review, I really do appreciate it and am glad that you think I've done a good job so far with the marauders. I'm always so afraid I'll mess them up anytime they show up in a scene. :) Report Review
Darn it, I'm not signed in!
Leslie! Loving this already! I'm really interested in the character of Emmeline Vance. I actually have a story on my computer (a James/Lily) with her character in it, but she's a few years older than them and completely different from your 'Emmy'. I really like her! I like how she's not Miss Popular, gorgeous girl who Sirius is mad for. I like how she's kind of an outcast, someone who Sirius will have to get to know before he likes.
I love how you've used canon characters too and have built them backgrounds already. You've laid the foundations for a really good story in this chapter. The ritual the girls have is really interesting, I really want to see where this is going to go!
I suppose my only criticism (if you could even call it that) is to be careful of the cliched 'slutty Sirius', although you've made him more human than alot of writers tend to do with his interaction with Emmeline at the beginning. While he's a player, he's not the typical selfish idiot we tend to see in Marauder fics.
Well done!! xxxAuthor's Response: HEATHER! Thanks so much for the fabulous review! I'm happy that you like it so far and how I've written Emmeline. I wanted to make her seem more like an outsider to the circle of populars, less known so when she starts hanging with Sirius more people blink and have to really think about who Sirius' new gal pal is. Not to mention, I just wanted a main character that wasn't going to be all drama all the time, even though drama is quite fun to write. But I wanted to have characters that wholesome and not popular.
Ah, yes, the ever cliche version of Sirius that seems to be in so many Sirius/OC fics. I really wanted to stray away from that side of him and make him seem more real, while at the same time keeping that playful personality that we see in the books, and I'm glad that he's come across just the way I wanted to portray him as. Anyway, thanks again! I really appreciated the extra feedback! XD Report Review
Hi Leslie! For whatever reason HPFF isn't registering the fact that I am indeed logged in... Oh well!
Lovely first chapter! This looks like it'll be a really cute story. While I don't normally go for stories that paint Sirius as a player (personally, I just don't see him that way) I like this one because it seems like a lot of that is just gossip and either he's not really like that or he'll change by the end.
I love your characterization! I like how you chose lesser known characters rather than OCs for this since most Marauder stories pair OCs with the Marauders. Emmy's characterization in particular was done really well in this chapter and while I'd like to know more about her I think you gave the right amount of information for a first chapter. I'd like to know more about Hestia and Marlene, but I'm sure that'll be coming in later chapters.
I like the plot so far. I like the way you worked in the war yet switched right back to normal teenage stuff by the end. It demonstrates that the characters know the war is lingering out there, but they can still be normal teenagers and enjoy their last year of Hogwarts. I love the idea of the dares the girls have given each other, especially since they are something they do every year, rather than something new. I can't wait to see what happens with Emmy and her dare, and am also quite interested in Marlene and Remus since I adore Remus.
Your dialogue was very realistic and I liked the way you spaced it out with narration. There is a very good dynamic between the two. The story also flowed very well. You've set up the plot and introduced the characters, which is exactly what a first chapter should do! Great chapter! Feel free to re-request for more reviews once you have more chapters up! :)Author's Response: SARAH! First off, I'm sorry for not responding back right away, and next thank-you-oh-so-very-much as I really do appreciate the feedback. And I'm glad you are liking the characterisation in this chapter as that was what I was mainly worrying about since I didn't want to give too much away while at the same time providing enough information to grab hold of the readers' attention. And I don't much see the point in bringing OCs into the Marauder era as it's different than the Next Gen. era. With the next gen. there is more room to create new characters, but with the Marauder era you're already given a cast of characters to write. I much rather write minor characters for this and I'm glad you enjoyed each of the characters I chose to write, especially Emmy.
Yay, I'm so relieved to hear that you enjoyed the plot and how I've worked the war and normal teenage tribulation into the story. And I found the dare ritual quite fun to write and am looking forward to having fun with it. Of course the next chapter is a bit dull as its more filler than anything, but it serves its purpose of getting from one place to the next and am almost finished with it, but probably won't get it up before the queue closes for everyone. And I simply love Remus, too.
Ooh, another thing that relieves me as dialogue as always been a weak area for me but I really think I'm improving the more I write. And the narration was fun for me to write, especially since I love getting into the characters heads when I write; human nature is just fascinating. Thanks again for the really detailed and simply AH-MAZING review, Sarah, as I really do appreciate it! :) Report Review
I'm not going to lie. I was a bit hesitant to really begin reading this after seeing the glaring Sirius/OC pairing staring back at me. But I really think that you could make this work. All of your characters seem like they are off to really good starts and have room to continue to grow through out the story. I really do like Marauder era stories that focus on minor characters. It is refreshing to see Emmaline and Hestia's names here. :D My only suggestion to you would be to maybe tweak the summary some. jazz it up a bit. You have a great start here and the world should know it. lol.
MelissaAuthor's Response: Thank you so much, Melissa! You have no idea how happy I am to hear that this is not another cliche Sirius/OC stories. I really did try to make it different, but I don't read that many Sirius/OC unless it falls into my review thread, so to read that all the characters are on the right track is nice to read. As for the summary, I went ahead and took your word for it and revised it. Thanks again for the positive feedback! :) Report Review
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