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26 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Infinityx Chapter Twelve: Stupid Gryffindor

23rd December 2013:
Hey! Thanks for re-requesting. :)

I love the way you described the whole scene with Snape and Lily. I think you brought out Lily's stubbornness and fiery spirit brilliantly, as well as the way Snape was torn but then let his Slytherin side overcome him. The emotions were portrayed wonderfully with nothing overdone.

I think Lily should have been a little more guilty for tricking Sirius like that. Especially since he got hurt. I think the flow of the story was really good and I also love the way you ended this chapter.

I did find a few small mistakes though. For instance, you spelled animagus wrong. And the first time its mentioned, the plural form - animagi- should be used. There are also some other spelling mistakes, one of them being Womping Willow. It should be Whomping. So I think you should go through your chapter once and correct those small errors.

Also there's one place in Snape's dialogue where you've typed "Then you're little friend will be thrown out of Hogwarts from all the angry OWLs." In this sentence, it should be you're and not your. Also since you've capitalized the OWL it stands for Ordinary Wizarding Levels, which is definitely not what you mean here. So you should rectify that. Also, I think you should structure this sentence in a different manner. "From all the angry owls" doesn't seem right.

Also, the second part of the chapter which begins in the hospital wing setting, has been written in present tense, which then changes to past again. I suggest you find a beta who'll help you make sure such thing doesn't happen.

Otherwise, I think this chapter is really good and you've established Lily's, Snape's, as well as James' characters very well. James does seem like the type to stand up and take responsibility when the situation calls for it, so I think his personality has been portrayed very well. :)

Happy writing, and have a wonderful Christmas!

- Erin

Author's Response: Ah thank you for all your help! I usually get to look over them a lot more before I post but the queue closing made me post hastily! I will go back and check out all those things, I appreciate your comments so much!

I agree, Lily should feel more guilty. I made her angry at Snape because I feel like it's easier for her to blame him for the whole ordeal instead of taking the blame, but I feel like she would take the blame. SO, I'll check that out as well.

And YAY about the characterization! Exciting. Again, I appreciate everything you've pointed out and have a good holiday!

xx Lizzie

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Review #2, by Iellwen Chapter Eleven: Apple

13th December 2013:
Hi there!

The link was for this chapter so I guess I'll review it before I read the entire story (and I think I will. I'm not quite used to a Sirius/Lily ship but I can't say I don't like it! :D)

So I'm not sure if I understood right but Sirius&Lily know each other outside the Marauders at first and Sirius seemed to be distressed by the idea of playboy James meeting her (cuz S. knows J. would totally try to do L.).
So Sirius & Lily are friends & more before Lily & James (and the rest of the Marauders) actually meet?

Then Sirius bumps into Snape & Remulus. At the 'son of a btch' I actually expected a side note or at least a mental remark, since Remulus & Sirius are siblings. :)
And since they are and have had their differences for a while now (Slytherin Purist/Gryffindor Muggle-friendly and all) their fights should have a bit more intimacy & background (e.g: "you've always thought you were sth special" "I can't believe you still believe that purist crap" "I had expected---" etc), you know?
They know what they reproach each other and odds are, they've had this same conversation before (if ever so slightly different).
I hope you get what I'm trying to say and I'm not just confusing you...

I liked how Snape is 'disinterestedly watching the interaction' then whines out of the blue he could very well tell on Sirius. Very nice slimy git action - I actually thought "who the heck asked you for an opinion? Shoo, be quiet!" which is basically why Snape used to be mocked and mobbed (that and because of Lily and James's need to impress her & his hidden jealousy).

'Lily, I know weíre not on the best terms': but Lily and James are on a 1st name-basis? Wait, I thought Sirius wanted to present Lily to the group as his friend ('My new plan was to tell James Lily and I are friends'). Of course, I can imagine they are vaguely acquainted, being in the same house and all.

'She didnít know tonight was any different' that sentence confused me; I think you meant "she didn't know tonight was different" or "she didn't know tonight was going to be different" or maybe "she didn't know tonight wasn't any different"? Might be just me, though.

The last sentence gave me a heard time. Again, maybe that's just me.
Clamored: do you mean he just stood there and shouted after them?
'not understanding out*' did you mean how*? :)

Since this is a Sirius POV, it's pretty easy to follow his relationship with both Remulus and Lily. But without reading the previous chapters (which I shall), I can't say if James & Lily already have a history or are just randomly talking to each other when social conventions forces them too.
They are on a 1st name basis so I'd expect they actually were on friendly terms before which would mean they had already interacted with each other before Sirius decided to bring his pal Lily into the group to slowly adjust them to the idea of his buddies having her around to then be able to tell them they're dating.
But you wrote this is the first time in the novel that they are interacting.

If James and the boys called her "Evans", you could use her first name as a slight Sirius slip-up (e.g: when she claims she'll go with them, he accidentally calls her Lily, resulting in James frowning or sth).
And someone should tell her to mind her own business (she may be pretty and all, but if James & Peter don't know Sirius and her are an item, they'd try to keep her away from Remus's secret a bit better, don't you think?).

Okay so I'll cut this review short because I'll just start rambling abd we don't want that.
I hope I covered what you asked of me - feel free to message me if you need.
And even though I haven't read he previous chapters (yet), I still want to know what happens next so, what does that tell you?^^

Keep writing and update soon!

Author's Response: Thank you for all your feedback that was really helpful!
It's awesome to have the looking ons of an outsider for this interaction. Adding in some more personal reflection on Sirius' part during the Regulus/Snape scene could definitely be helpful! I will look back on that.
Also, yes LIly/James are on a "First Name Basis" (Hahah, there's actually a chapter called that) basically she's been trying to be nice to make things easier on Sirius. But James is taking it to mean she cares for him. Rough. Going to get rougher.
I definitely like your idea of the Evans and then Lily slip up. Sirius has had a couple of those and it's only natural that as they become more involved he should have more and more. I'm glad you don't hate the ship! Super awesome! I will consider this a success.
I really appreciate this again, thank you!!

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Review #3, by Infinityx Chapter Nine: This Happiness

13th December 2013:

I absolutely love the way the story is progressing. You've portrayed Sirius' character brilliantly. He is just the type to fall completely head over heels for one girl and stay true to her.

When I first started reading this story, I thought that Sirius and Lily would never get together; that he'd always stay on the sidelines and watch as the love of his life married his best friend. His loyalty to James is just so much more than anything else. So I think you've done a good job of expressing the guilt he's feeling.

It's really sad though. They finally get together, but we know they'll have to break up later :(
They seem to be such a perfect couple.

I'll be sure to keep reading!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm glad you can really see the battle between his guilt/ feelings for Lily, that's the main thing I'm trying to get across. And it only grows, poor Sirius. It is a bit sad! Not going to lie, but I feel like it's a story that has to be told. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I appreciate your thoughts!!! xx Lizzie

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Review #4, by alwayslily Chapter Eight: What You Wish For

18th October 2013:
Such a good story so far, can't wait to read the next chapter. I'm a diehard Jily fan butI also love to read sirius/lily and i think you've already succeded in capturing the heartbreaking wrongness and greatness of them together.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll hopefully be updating within the week!

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Review #5, by Blaise Chapter Seven: Three Options

10th June 2013:
No James won't be okay with it and WILL hate Sirius. One of the first rules of being a guy is that you NEVER get involved with a girl your mate fancies, never.

Author's Response: We'll have to see how it plays out, eh? Thank you for the review!

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Review #6, by harrypotterforever24 Chapter Seven: Three Options

26th May 2013:
Hi I have been reading this story ever since you started it but I never left a review. I just wanted to say that this is one of my favorites because I never really read lily/sirius and I think youre a brilliant writer :) also I was wondering if yOu could maybe update faster? I hate waiting for so long because I can't wait to read it! Nice job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm getting back into the writing groove and hopefully will be updating soon :)

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Review #7, by JMarie_MischiefManaged Chapter Seven: Three Options

26th May 2013:
tres tres bien! bon chance!

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Review #8, by Rosalind Chapter Seven: Three Options

6th February 2013:
No Remus is wrong, it is betrayal and Sirius isn't a very good friend.

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Review #9, by Fred Chapter Six: Haunted

7th June 2012:
Its interesting that Sirius is a big enough A-hole to steal James's cloak to take Lily into Hogsmeade but somehow still thinks he's his friend.

Author's Response: I didn't mean for it to come across as Sirius was stealing James' cloak, I pictured them always sharing it among the four of them-- almost like common property between them. Like the Marauder's map.

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Review #10, by harrypotterforever24 Chapter Five: First Name Basis

26th December 2011:
I was just reading some of your other stories, and i was wondering, are you ever going to continue Innovation? It seemed really interesting

Author's Response: You know, I always go back to it which is why I have not deleted it off my page as of yet, you know? Right now this story and another I'm working on for a challenge are my priority, but I haven't completely given up on Innovation. I might go back and revisit it in the near future :) Thanks for the interest!!

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Review #11, by harrypotterforever24 Chapter Five: First Name Basis

26th December 2011:
I just found your story and started reading it non stop. Usually I am a die hard James/Lily fan, but i think this is really interesting because in the prologue, theyve ended up together and this sirius/lily relationship is different from anything else ive read, so im really intrigued. Cant wait for the next update :D

Author's Response: Huzzah!! One convert down! Yes, the story will end up being Canon just has quite an alternative path to reach it :) I'm glad you like it!! I'm working on the next chapter now, so it'll be ready right for the queue re-opening. Thank you for the review!

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Review #12, by oliverwoodssecretlover Chapter Four: Grass Hills and Sunsets

16th November 2011:
Normally I only really canon, normal ship stuff. But this is pretty good - I think one reason I like it is that Sirius tries to protect James, so it can theoretically (does) still end up canon. I don't know, haha. But good story, keep updating!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! That means a lot. Yes the canon does happen, just in a very very different way :)

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Review #13, by daisy Chapter Four: Grass Hills and Sunsets

13th October 2011:
This story could use a good proof reader, but aside from that, I love everything about it. The nature of the story presents a situation so many people can relate to, it just makes the story come to life. Good show, you.

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Review #14, by Robin Chapter Four: Grass Hills and Sunsets

23rd August 2011:
Love it, one of the best fanfics I've read so far. Can't wait for more! :-)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! :) I hope you keep reading!

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Review #15, by suekogirl Chapter Three: Target Practice Material

31st January 2011:
Oh my gosh. This story is simply addicting. I am a sucker for Sirius/Lily and I love the way that you write them! I like that you have Sirius trying so hard to fight his feelings and remain loyal to James. Though I love Sirius/Lily I feel that often they are written so that Sirius wants to betray James or has no problem doing it. Keep up the AMAZING work!!

Author's Response: I'm so glad you're enjoying it so much! I love writing it :) I love Lily/ James, so I have to believe if this ship was EVER to happen, it would not be without Sirius internal struggle to Sirius. Thanks for the read and review!

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Review #16, by reader Chapter Three: Target Practice Material

24th January 2011:
Excellent Story!!! I like that Sirius seems more down to earth in this story. Very relatable! Also, wonderful job with Lily's parents. They just seem perfect. I have to say, I am a huge James/Lily fan so this is kind of a hard story to read. Keep up the good work and update soon!!!

Author's Response: Oh I am SUCH a James/ Lily fan, but this is a guilty pleasure. I'm so glad you're taking a chance on this story :) Thanks for the review!

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Review #17, by Ello_Mate Chapter Two: Scantily Clad Muggles

31st December 2010:
I'm too lazy to log in.

I really like this story! I've always had a soft spot for Sirius and Lily. Today i just sad "what the heck" and read a bunch of their fanfics. I LOVE them now. It's one of those pairings that is like a guilty pleasure. 'Cause you know it's completely impossible for them to get together. So PLEASE update soon!!

Author's Response: This ship is SUCH a guilty pleasure. I've had this story bopping around in my brain for months and I'm finally writing it out :) Thank you for reading and taking the time to write a review.

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Review #18, by mustnotbenamed Prolouge: Nine Out of Ten.

29th October 2010:
I'm already in love with it :D

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Review #19, by Sirius Blacks lover Chapter Two: Scantily Clad Muggles

20th October 2010:
This story is awesome! This chapter was great too; the portrayals were bang on, the dialogue flowed, and the pace was good. I especially loved the part at the beginning-ish when Lily was complaining to her mum about James. I only know a few people who can talk to their mothers like that, and it seemed right that Lily should. Also, your portrayal of Lily is one of the best I've ever read.

Author's Response: Wow wow wow, thank you so much :) That's a lot of really great compliments that (although I'm not quite sure I deserve) I appreciate a lot. I envy my Lily's relationship with her mother haha. I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

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Review #20, by Lily Chapter One: Metal Particles.

3rd August 2010:
Please please finish!! So good so far!

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Review #21, by Sirius Blacks lover Chapter One: Metal Particles.

14th July 2010:
I like this story a lot, and I especially like that it's in first person. The voice is really genuine and unique. Did I mention that already? Anyway, good songs too. Great job!

Author's Response: I'm really glad you like the voice and the perception of Sirius. Hahah, I'm glad someone likes my suggested jams! Thank you for the review!

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Review #22, by Potterobsessionist Chapter One: Metal Particles.

14th July 2010:
Goodness, this is pretty out of my element but i like it! :D update soon will you? :) *nudge, nudge* ;)

Author's Response: I will! Most of the next chapter is written already *pats self on back*.

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Review #23, by Potterobsessionist Prolouge: Nine Out of Ten.

14th July 2010:
To be honest, this is the first story i've read with sirius/lily ship. Let's just put it this way: if it's one ship i adore in j.k rowlings (aah, bless her) world, it's james/lily :) although i think you're a really good writer so i'll continue reading even though it hurts in that part of my heart where i hold james/lily oh so dear :p. Soo, i'll continue to the next chappie, great beginning so far :)

Author's Response: Trust me, I absolutely LOVE James/ Lily, this story has just been literally straining against the cardboard storage box I put it in in my brain, so I have no choice but to write it. It's a challenge and I like it, I see you as the perfect critic! If I can get you to like Sirius/ Lily, I will consider this story a success.

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Review #24, by Sirius Blacks lover Prolouge: Nine Out of Ten.

11th July 2010:
This is brilliant! And very original. I really like the voice too, nice job!

Author's Response: I'm glad you like Sirius' voice, I'm trying to make it a bit different than all the other Siriuses I've read out there. I'm trying to add a new dimension of relatable-ness to him. I'm glad you think I'm on my way to accomplishing that goal :) Thanks for the review!

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Review #25, by luckylilly75 Prolouge: Nine Out of Ten.

17th June 2010:
haha i loved it!! nice job, can't wait to see what's next! update soon!!

Author's Response: I'm trying to update as much as I can! Thanks for the review!

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