Once again, to start, a couple of quick things:
-->"The bedroom was on a bit of a raised alcove looking over of the living room and kitchen." The "of" in this sentence is unnecessary.
-->"It was torn and peeling in a few places, probably having been there since the place was built hundreds of years ago." The phrase "probably having been there" is what we call a passive sentence. Grammatically it's correct, but it's a bit convoluted and difficult to read. Something more along the lines of "It was torn and peeling in a few pieces. Afterall, it was built hundreds of years ago." would probably work better, but it's your call.
To other business. There was a little more action and mystery in this chapter, which is good. That's not to say I'm looking for an adventure piece, there was just a little more motion from all of the characters and I little more active dialogue as opposed to background info (although I really like the info about Lysanders neighbors ^_^ they made me laugh). And the intrigue about Cerinthia and just who she is will keep people reading.
Once again, very well done. I applaud your style and your originality.
Until next time!
LadyOrpheus Report Review
Quickie thing to point out first:
-->"The front room was guarded by a loan clerk." "loan" should be "lone".
Now to business! I am very fond of this down and out little store. So far I am very impressed with your ragtag team of employees. Nobody's perfect and I like that. It's nice to get a story from the POV of someone not necessarily in the sun all the time.
That being said, I liked all the descrption in this chapter, it's necessary to have a little bit of background about all these new characters, but I hope the major plot point gets introduced soon or else you're going to lose the readers' attentions before they even give you a chance to shine like I feel you can.
I've only just met your main OC, Cerinthia, so there is not much that I can gauge about her from this brief encounter, but she hasn't displayed any overtly Mary Sue qualities, so she's in the green as of now. I really did enjoy Cerinthia and Lysander's conversation about unusual names. It felt very natural for two strangers and there wsa nothing too deep too fast.
Keep up the great work!
Your Humble Servant,
LadyOrpehus. Report Review
A really like this little bit of exposition. It's basically the "This is my story" opener, but you describe it much better than that with some really cool , vivid imagery including one line in particular that I liked:
--> "The love slows and grows molded with the days, dust curdling within the remotest corners and staying there for the rest of time[...] and then never continues into the real harbinger of malaise and stale breath: it never continues into life." This was just a very poignant, very artistic way of describing this perception of love while at the same time it was very realistic. I look forward to seeing you explore this theme more.
One quick grammatical thing:
-->"I've always wanted to be that kind of story. Not just love, but fun as well. Enjoyable, perhaps, is a better word." Grammatically this sentence is just awkward and could use some reqorking, although I get the substance of what you are trying to say. "I've always wanted to (have) that kind of story" would work better in conjuction with the next sentence "Not just love, but fun as well" because parallel structure lets us know that it means the character wants to "have love" and "have fun". The original way implies the character wants to "be love" which doesn't really work. However, "have doen't really work with the next part of the sentence, so I'd just be sure and take another look at it.
That aside this is a very promising start. I look forward to the next chapter.
LadyOrpheus Report Review
Delightful introduction, except that it was a little too long. Perhaps you should add in earlier that "we lasted four years" to guide the reader better.
But overall-wonderful depth and texture! :D Your story is well on its way to becoming a great romance! :)
PS I would really appreciate it if you can critique any of my stories! :D Report Review
Yay! It's up! Win for me. XD
I was so curious as to what "Rochester" was, so I'm glad that it was mentioned! XD The way you described the store (and, well, everything) was fantastic. I could see everything, it was like I was there.
I think there was a bit of a typo with this sentence in the 3rd paragraph: "... and an many other items..."
Daily arguments with the mirror? hahaha. Nice.
I love Lysander already. He's fabulous. I laughed aloud at this:
"Are you sure?" Lysander felt the note genially, raising it up and down. "Doesn't feel like fifty pounds. Feels like a feather -it's paper Logan- what are you thinking?"
I like Addie too... Well, I like them all so far, actually. Even Logan. hehe.
Cerinthia and Lysander's interaction was so bloody cute! Love it. I can hardly wait! *squees like a fan girl*
Yeah, so I'm definitely excited. :D I absolutely adore this. Love it. (That feels worth repeating). It's very yummy. (hehe).
It's a bit unfortunate that I'll have to wait for 3 weeks to read more. But I know it'll be worth the wait. Anything you write is.
(Yeah, yeah, haven't figured that out yet.)Author's Response: & h e a r t s ;
Remove the spaces!
See? Now you know! (it's a trade secret though, so don't tell anyone! XD)
Yup. Rochester was mentioned. :) I'm glad you thought the descriptions were good. I think when I go back to edit this I'll look those over first, just to give them a run through, you know? :D
Fixed the typo! Extra word I think. Thanks Taser. These have been proofread by yours truly and may be a little lax in the 'perfect' department. XD
Over his appearance! Logan's a stubborn old mule!
I'm glad you like them. They were kind of quick snap shots of the characters. I'll open them up a little bit more later. :D
He'll be a witty guy. I like him as well. I've always kind of liked Lysander. Dunno why.
Addie's fun. As is Bennett when you get to know him. Dickens... and then there are a few more too! Hope you like the rest of the cast as well! :)
You did like the interaction? *wipes sweat off brow* What a relief. I wasn't exactly sold on it at first, but if you liked it I'll like it :)
You'll have fun during those three weeks though and won't even remember. Thanks for that Taser!
JD! ♥ XD Report Review
Hey, JD, I've got to agree with civi here! This is quite enjoyable to read.
Unless there's a use of the word 'hawking' that I don't know, I think you meant 'hacking cough'. Other than that I didn't pick up on any grammatical or spelling snafu's. So no worries. Just fix that and I think that's all that's necessary.
I quite like that you revel the narrator without coming out and saying whom he is. You have to pick up on his subtlety. I like that, though. It's much better than having a first person narrator jump in and give their name and entire life story.
I like that you also didn't over elaborate on his life because I feel that most of the time that guys aren't as descriptive as girls. Most guys, at least. So this seemed realistic to me.
I adore the idea of a guy swearing off romance. I think it's a rare thing. No joke, I think this is the first instance of that, that I've stumbled upon. So kudos for the originality.
This seems like it's going to be quite fun.
Good job & keep up the good work!
LindersAuthor's Response: Hey Linders! ♥
Nope! I know I used hawking. Do you know what hawking is? It is a word. I'm not trying to turn a phrase. I'm narrating in an unorthodox way (you would have already read this with Taser, but the thing lost my review and I blew a casket, sad I know :'(). It's unsettling to those settled in conventions I know. But have you never heard of hawking before?
Mhm! Lysander - OR the narrator - isn't being extremely forthcoming about all the plot points is he? Something unheard of in a Prologue I know! XD
Ah here is where the originality comes in - and you'll see from this fic that it attempts to take a more realistic view of romance than ... most. Something I'm sure you'll at least appreciate! :)
It should be pretty fun. I just need to make sure it's engaging!
♥ Report Review
Hello you! (:
I want to leave you a review because you know... Yeah. And you know how I feel about reviewing! So! Feel special. *commands* XD (I certainly feel special since I'm the first one!)
I really like this. Mhm. A lot. It's just like thinking aloud. And it's interesting and engaging. I can't even do a coherent review... It's just... I like it. I can't really explain it.
One thing though... What's a hawking cough? Do you mean hacking? Or is it just a word I'm unfamiliar with? :/
My favourite bits would have to be:
"...telling each other we wouldn't let each other go until the world burned. Until the sky cracked, or at least until morning light."
I just got... not quite a mental picture, but something else... A brilliant feeling, a sense... Hmm. It's something... but I'm being rambly!
"Live life, stay wary around love, as it takes everything from you. Not just your time."
J'adore! I don't necessarily agree with it (but that's not really the point is it? XD), and maybe you'd be able to guess my retort, but I like it. It just... Works. And it's pleasing to my eye. XD
I am sounding like a complete and utter goof, but I wanted to review and let you know what I thought! As you probably have gathered, I love it. It's delicious. (Yup, I said delicious). It leaves me with a sense of wonderment and delight. I think it's the romantic in me. Plus, you just have a way with words.
So I'm adding this to my favourites. I can hardly wait!
(I would insert a heart here, but I can't remember how to do so with out messing this thing up. So you'll have to use your imagination XD).Author's Response: I'll reply later. If you know what I mean. Because I typed up the whole thing and it was lost. *dies of annoyance*
Yeah. *grumbles* Report Review
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