mmm, good stuff this one. It makes me think that Snape doesn't like himself very much, or perhaps doesn't understand himself eitherAuthor's Response: You got what I think of Snape through this piece then ;) Report Review
Well, I'm not writing a long review. But the story was quite good. I liked it! If you have time, can read my story... Well, no suggestions.:)Author's Response: I understand! Sorry it's taken so long to reply to this. But thank you. haha, for reading as well as NOT suggesting. I'll give it a shot. ;) Report Review
Miriel here to review your story:)
All relies on Bertha Jorkins.
It's stunning how much you built up on that little sentence.
On the one hand Severus, whom we recognize as a person who's actually able to interact with others and who learns a lot about himself that evening. And on the other hand the happenings in JKR's books, which rely on Bertha Jorkins as well, for example the fact that Voldemort knows about the Triwizard Tournament and Barty Crouch jr.
I really like the way you wrote Snape's thoughts while he was talking to Bertha and how his view on her changed. At first she was someone he could muse about while trying to deal with his responsibility for Lily's death, someone who's ususally below him but at that time equal. Then she was an annoying interruption. And as he talked to her he found himself telling her about his family, certainly just because she did so, but I'm sure he didn't often do that. You wrote that in your summary as well.
In the end he realizes what kind of a person he is, and these thoughts he has about himself are probably the main reason for his later actions. At least that's what I thought when I read it.
It fits the person from the books so very well, his feeling guilty and everything we come to know about him in the memories he gives to Harry.
As you can see, I absolutely loved this story. It's very unique and original, one of the best stories about Snape I ever read.
By the way, your characterization of Aberforth was brilliant, too.:)
Concerning the flow of the story I can only agree with Apop, I have nothing to add there.
I noticed that you wrote this story for the Severly Obsessed Challenge. Good luck for that! It's great how his obsession somewhat changes, from being completely fixed on Lily, her death, her son and his responsibility for the situation to his obsession with that table and Bertha. Or maybe that evening in the Hog's Head just added another obsession to his life?
And in some way there's even another obsessed person..Albus. He's obsessed with Sybill's prophecy and the outcome of it.
Wow, I'm writing this review and come to notice that the whole Harry Potter saga wouldn't work without obsessed men! Voldemort, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry is obesessed. Really great work!
I hoped this review helped a little, sorry, it got pretty long:)
MirielAuthor's Response: Hey Miriel! It wasn't long at all! Well, maybe a bit, but it's definitely fun to read! (long reviews I mean)! :D
haha, I'm glad you liked that sentence. There are multiple 'beginning' phrases that I actually paired with it, but I couldn't choose which one, you know? And there's a joking one I think I can tell you! XD "This story all relies on Bertha Jorkins"
;D Yus ma'am! You basically hit on the meaning of that line pretty well.
Yup! haha, you caught on to their conversation rather well as well! Which is good. A big thing in this piece was not telling the reader every little tidbit of information under the surface. And I am happy to see that they were indeed even so obvious enough that you picked up on them!
haha, I did do a little work to fit this into canon well. I didn't really want to make this romantic for that very reason. Kinship can be just as important a bond as any relationship. Someone to just vent, perhaps in unorthodox ways, to and share in anger - or grief, can be spectacular to help your self realization. Or Snape's. Hahaha ;)
I'm glad you thought it was a good story! I definitely tried to take a good narrative approach to this - thankfully it paid off. :D
I kind a like Aberforth as well!
Thanks! I'll take yours and Apop's words for it then!
haha Thanks for the luck! Yes, I kind of took the obsession thing and ran with it, but I dunno if that was what the challenge was about. There was something about romance in the challenge prompt. I might be out of the running because I didn't have them holding each other's hands, staring into the other's eyes from across the table, you know?
Of course Albus'd be obsessed haha! What was the last one she made ;D
You're very right in that assumption. I never noticed. Thanks for the praise! I appreciate it!
Overall, I would like to say that this was good. Because it was, truly. However, I'm going to have to say that it didn't seem like Severus' voice completely, at least, not to me.
I'm just perplexed that he told Bertha that he wasn't a Death Eater because I think that she would have told someone about that. However, it was sweet that they bonded over the lack of fatherly figures.
I think, all things considering, you did a good job with this pair although I don't know if I'd ever consider this romantic. It was rather funny, though, what with Bertha getting hit in the head with a book. I can see why he would find it amusing.
His actions seemed in character, it was just the way that he said them, that seemed off somehow. Some of the things that he said didn't align to what I thought/saw of him in canon. Though, Severus is a hard character to peg down and I think that you did a better job than most. So kudos there.
I think that this paragraph is the most Snapish and reminded me very much of Severus (in addition to being one of my favorites, of course): "Bertha might have - if she came back. What she had to smile about I'd never know, but she'd forced it regardless. She liked people to think she enjoyed her life. She was an easy person to peg, and I'm sure even a small child passing her on the street would have enough sense to know that she hated herself and the life she led. I could see it from across the bar. She was like me. Probably worse on occasion, but at that moment we were equal. Surrogates to life, we simply strode through where we could find openings and prey on anything we could to gobble up our time. For me I had Potionmaking. Bertha probably had laughter and a smile. But at least Potions could be grasped. I could look upon my cauldron and feel complete. Others could only see her smile - hear her laughter. I'm sure she never felt complete. I wondered if she ever truly smiled. Had she ever earned herself happiness? I know I hadn't. We were akin in that way. Together in apathy and abject despondency. I'd be remiss if I said that I didn't feel like I had more a right to be dejected than her. I lost my will to life a long time ago. I lost it when I lost her - but Bertha? What right did she have to hate her life? She never lost anything. She never had anything. She brought the life she lived upon herself. Not the other way around."
It was just very deliciously Severus.
I do like that she called him Snivellus. I do think that he would have controlled his temper rather well with her, like you said he had. ;) Simply because it wasn't Harry or Ron calling him this or Remus, Peter, or Sirius. I'll leave James out since he's dead . . .
I don't think Severus heard voices.
As far as flow, grammar, and spelling go - I didn't pick up on any snafu's. So nice job there! I always feel that it's something worth mentioning and I like when people are careful about their works. It gives it a more polished and refined look that I've come to appreciate.
Nice job, though.
Oh, and I love Albus. He amused me so immensely in this piece, as brief an interlude as he had.
LindersAuthor's Response: Hey Linders! Good to hear from ya! I was worried about you for a while hahakidding!
Thanks I guess? It was good but it wasn't. That's always nice to hear! At least it was sort a, right?
She calls him out on being a Death Eater. Saying that he was - well, I think you and I have two very different ideas about what post-Voldemort 1981 was like. Sums it up easily.
Moving past that, where are we? Oh! Right, I don't think it was fatherly figures that they bonded over, but I'm glad that readers are able to take different meaning than what I gave it! I'll take that as a compliment!
You wouldn't? I'd consider it more... well, I've already given away one thing about this piece, and if you didn't get it well, it wasn't romantic to you was it? So it wasn't romantic. ;) If you know what I mean.
I'd laugh if I saw someone like Bertha get hit in the head most definitely! I liked that. To me he was most definitely in character. While some of his dialogue didn't sit entirely well with me, this story isn't so much about the characters themselves, and I ran with that. I figured I'd bash heads with you there. You have a very stringent view of canon, and I kind of wrote this wanting to tread on your toes a little. Excuse me for that (where's the big evil grin one? I'll just use this:) :D
That's a fun paragraph, I agree! I like a few of 'em myself. haha
Yes! Snivellus. hahaha - I think she would have known about that. I'm pretty sure. And yeah, the nickname holds implications, but I agree, I kind of like his reaction.
Good. No snafus! See, I PROOFREAD, if you know what I mean. ;) Glad you appreciate at least that much! XD
Yay! Albus is likable.
Hi, JR! I know you requested for a different story, but when I saw this story sitting on your page with a big fat 0 for number of reviews . . . well, I couldn't resist. I selfishly wanted to be the first to review this piece.
This is quite different from the goofy pieces you write, though the overall style did remind me somewhat of longer, dialogue-free passages of ATAS. I found myself quite engrossed by this story. It flowed well, and in this instance, when I say it flowed, I literally am talking about the way the words flowed into one another. It was like a gentle but firmly flowing stream. I got a steady rhythm going in my mind. I think this would have been very pleasing to hear out loud.
I liked the story, though I'm not certain you have Snape's voice down pat. That is, I would have given him a different voice. This didn't "feel" like Snape to me, not throughout. I'm having difficulty pinpointing exactly what makes me feel this way, but I do. The things he does seem Snapeish, but the way he says them doesn't, to me.
I do like the way you merged the past and present . . . it reminds me of what I tried to do in the "African Violets" story. It's harder than it looks (at least, I thought it was tough to implement), so I'm sure you worked on getting it to flow well. Employing that technique also makes it easy to imbibe the story with a certain sense of distance, I think. It happens almost automatically, it seems, and it's a feeling/style/atmosphere that suits Snape.
I swear I'm here to talk about your writing, not mine. I LOVE the idea of Snape going to get his fortune read monthly! That's really hilarious. I can just imagine the attitude that sourpuss would have over it too. Also, the way he (you) described Trelawney was fantastic! Haha!
I'm also quite interested in your usage of Bertha Jorkins in this piece. How many people would ever think to connect them? I sure wouldn't. I found it interesting that Snape sort of transferred some of his obsession with Lily over to Bertha. It didn't seem like the same level or type of obsession, but he definitely had an unhealthy attitude there.
I feel that I'm not expressing myself very well. How about I try to sum it up in six thousand characters or less? (Joking.) The flow of the story was good. I enjoyed reading it. It didn't totally feel like Snape was talking, but if I hadn't had a preconceived notion of the character, this would be a total non-issue. OK, this is a lousyish summary . . . :-( At least you understand I liked the story overall, right? Right. Glad we could clear that up.
Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Look at your third sentence. I think you have an extra word in it.Author's Response: Sorry about the long reply. I know how you like to read them, and I promise not to let you down. I'm going through a HPFF lapse - you know the ones. It hit me over Christmas break! Hitting me over the beginning of Summer. Hopefully it fades!
Yes. It was lonely. But thankfully now it's been reviewed to perfection! Awesome. hahaha
Thanks Apop! Goofy pieces? Thanks so much for that. I know what you mean. ;) Quite engrossed? That's a definite compliment! Can't even believe it! Never gotten something like that from the hardest to please (at least for ME that is XD) reviewer on HPFF! I'll be stoked for the rest of the evening yet again, I'll have you know. I mainly focused on that with this piece. As you know all this is 'training' - well, for this one shot it was supposed to be my darndest attempt at making words though in long narration. Not much else was important to me here (and thus the story suffered slightly, but you get what you give, so I'll live [RHYMED!]). And I read it out loud a few times to myself just to hear the sound. I was serene. I think it'd be nice to hear out loud as well. haha :)
Snape's voice is something I turned for the narration. I haven't really a clear cut image of the character myself. So I took what little I had and turned him into something I needed for the setting. Writing it I felt it was a little off, but as the characterization stands I stand behind it. ;)
Well... past and present - yeah. Sure. That was a part of the whole flow thing. And the interim paragraphs did take a little work to make sure the split was seamless, and I wasn't even 100% happy with the first paragraph where the time changed. Oh well...
That was a novel concept (as in new, not book) that I liked about this. The relationships of the professors always had me interested. Trelawney and Snape are interesting. I don't think they'd get along too well. Glad you liked that part!
I got challenged to connect them. Bertha/Snape I had to write. Instead of asking for a new pair I wanted to try and work these out. And this is the result! Yeah, but the reason that he wanted to meet her is easily figured out, that is, not necessarily the RIGHT reason, but I'm sure it's unhealthy. Snape has that quality about him.
You do too express yourself well! Worrywart! It's not a bad summary, and yes, you did like it. (I. think.) Cheers! haha, I removed that word!
Thanks so much Apop! Report Review
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