I feel from this story that your strength is characters. Tonks and Remus were beautifully written in the last chapter, and here Runcorn's thoughts were incredible. His character shone through in every single thing he did; he thought he was superior, he liked feeling superior, he thought he was sneaky (as if Tonks wouldn't notice him touching her), he's never fallen in love. He's fun to read, because you write him so well. Two great quotes:
The use of "sportsmanlike" as if it's all a game. It's as if he's a hunter. I got a flashback to the short story the Most Dangerous Game when I read that.
"Perhaps I was feeling my first pangs of jealousy". This made it seem Runcorn thinks he's just an observer in the big game of human emotion. He thought it so casually, it was just funny.
So far it's going well, I don't have any huge suggestions. I thought the "I, Albert Runcorn" in the second paragraph was unnecessary; I figured out who it was from the first paragraph. I'll warn you that you won't get a huge number of readers for this. It's great writing, and don't change it in any way, but sexual assault is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people. Don't let a curious lack of readers get you down. This was good. Definitely use your character talent to your advantage; good characters can carry a story just as much as the plot does.
~lllb Report Review
This was a good start to a story. I was wondering where the plot was going, but the last section got things going. What I noticed in this chapter was how easily Tonks and Remus were, how comfortable they were together. I don't know if their interactions flowed from your fingers as easily as they did while reading, but it was a really nice piece of writing. The mood was clear and enjoyable. And then we got back to business in the last paragraph. Nice work.
You talked about bashing the reader over the head; Tonks' explanation of Runcorn could've been more vague and worked, but it wasn't awful. Perhaps it's because I just read a book that involves sexual assault, but you could've taken out the part in parentheses about Tonks' bum and I could've figured out what she meant. But don't worry about it either way; it wasn't bashing over the head, it was more like tapping us a little harder than needed. :)
The writing was good, the characters, as I already mentioned, were great, and the grammar was off in a few spots but not off-putting. It was nothing a beta or even another read through couldn't fix. All in all, a good start to a story. I can't wait to see the plot begin to start.
~lllb Report Review
You power that Tonks has is just great, she is just that you have her so well. I have to say that I dont find this at all over the top, I think that if anythink it adds more to the way I see the characters Report Review
wow he thinks so high of himself.
I like how you went over the things that happen in that last chapter Report Review
'Yes. Its nice to watch you being all protective and chivalrous.'< would have to be my fav line only because this is what I was thinking, this was a whole diffrent side to him, one that I have never read before. In saying that it the first Tonks/Remus story that I have read and it a lot diffrent to the way I thought it would come off and I have to say that I like it this way better than they way I thought this would come off. I dont see this chapter as being over the top, I think that you need this procetiveness in Remus and Tonks to be the strong, to show that they are just trying to be like anyone eles and lead a nomarl life in the sition they are in. Report Review
Hmmm... I've never been a big fan of this pairing (in fanfiction anyway), but I'll review it the best I can.
Your characterisation makes sense, but there's still something missing, I think. The switch between points of view is confusing, and makes readers focus more on the switch than the person's feelings. I know it's a bit late to switch now, but perhaps keep it to one or two points of view in large segments before switching, or using Remus or Tonks' POVs only, and switching to third person omniscient when dealing with the actions of other characters.
Also, there's some grammar issues that I noticed-- words being misused (i.e 'consistent' instead of 'constant' or 'persisting', when Runcorn talks about Tonks-centred dreams), some dialogue mechanics errors, little stuff. However, that little stuff can sometimes be the deciding point for whether or not to read a story, so you do have to be careful. My suggestion would be a beta-- one with a good foundation in grammar or spelling would clean all that up in no time.
So, final verdict-- by no means a bad story, in fact I think it could be a very good one, but it needs a little work, some polishing up. Keep going though; I see a lot of potential in this.
With Luck and Love,
Ai (from the forums) Report Review
Jesi here with your last review!
It has been quite a pleasure to review your story! (: Please feel free to re-request, I'd love to see what happens next.
Umbridge is such a pain in the fanny- I'm always happy to see her get taken down a few notches. I'm also ecstatic to know that Runcorn got what he deserved and that I was right in my guess about his oh-so-obvious slimy git-ness. :P I'm now confident that I didn't offend you in my previous review!
There were no problems, that I found, with your story being overly dramatic. Quite the opposite, really- I think your story has chutzpah, as do your characters (even the repulsive ones).
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm really happy you enjoyed the story. And (just a heads up) I'll most likely stop by to re-request. I'm a little more nervous about the later chapters than I was about the first few, so I could really use some input on those.
Umbridge was fun to write as well and I'm glad you enjoyed seeing her get told off in this scene. And, yeah you were right, Runcorn was the vilain and you were very right to dislike him from the begining. I'm very glad you think my characters have chutzpah (such a fun word) and thanks again for the reviews! Report Review
This Runcorn fellow is extremely unsettling. I suppose all characters cannot be well-liked and pleasant, but I was surprised at the intensity of the negative feelings that I developed towards him in the short time it took to read this chapter. I do hope you were meaning to make your readers hate him because, if so, you most certainly succeeded!
Now, I don't want you to feel like I'm purposely being hurtful or bashing your story- I just wanted to be clear on the fact that Runcorn is indeed the antagonist. (: In the event of this being planned characterization, you did an excellent job!
I'm on to the next chapter now, but good work so far; this one wasn't overly dramatic either.
JesiAuthor's Response: Wow. I'm glad this character inspired such as strong reaction (as you can tell from the next two chapters, yeah, he was supposed to do that). I take it, that means that his character came off correctly. I'm really happy about that. Oddly, it was very fun to write such a nasty character. I don't know why, but I sort of enjoy getting inside a vilain's head :). Thanks for the review! Report Review
Jesi here with your requested review!
I thought this was a lovely first chapter; not too dramatic at all! (: Now if it does get dramatic, I'll be be sure to tell you outright.
I only caught a couple of errors, just tiny things. You might want to just run through carefully and look for them, they are rather easy to spot.
Everything else is great so far! I'm off to the next one~
JesiAuthor's Response: Thanks, glad you think this started off well. I know there were grammar issues, I've gotten most of them fixed now, I think. Thanks again! Report Review
Hey there! Here for your requested review!
I have to say, I don't read much Lupin/Tonks, well simply because I don't find many stories that deal with them. I love that pairing and I'm so glad you stopped by.
You do have several places where there were missed comma's, and such, but that can easily be fixed by a beta. If you like, I'd be more than happy to look it over for you. Just PM me at the forums if you're interested.
Your descriptions were great, you didn't over describe and you didn't under describe either. Everything was just right. Your flow was good too, I didn't see anything wrong with that.
Besides the punctuation, I didn't really see anything wrong with this chapter at all. I loved the way you portrayed them though. They both were very believable and in character.
xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for this! Remus/Tonks is probably my favorite ship (in case you couldn't tell), but there aren't a whole lot of stories involving them on this site are there? I could only find a couple, so I decided to add this one into the mix :). I know grammar's not my strong suit and I might end up taking you up on that beta offer. I'm glad you liked my descriptions though. I get a bit self concious about those as well. I'm glad you liked the story overall and thanks, again, so much for the review! Report Review
Ew, Runcorn's a creeper. Seriously, he comes off like a horrible person (which he obviously is), but that's a huge kudos to you for being able to write him that way; again, your characterizations are really, really good. Tonks was perfect again, as always.
There were a couple of grammar mistakes again. Just a few quick things that I noticed; "Werewolf" shouldn't be capitalized, and "dinner" was misspelled as "diner" once, thought that's probably a typo. :)
I can tell that the plot has a point right now, (Tonks' job, whether she will keep it, and her relationship with Remus) yet it still has a lot of open ends; I'm not positive where it's headed. Good job there--it's staying intriguing for the reader without being totally predictable.
The flow is good as well--though nothing much was physically accomplished by the characters in the chapter, the characters were established more and the plot was, too. I didn't notice the chapter going by, as I was too busy being so incredibly annoyed by Runcorn's idiotic, misogynistic self, which is a good thing, at least for this story. ;)
Overall, I think that you've got a good start to your story! This is the last chapter I'll be reviewing for now, but feel free to come back and rerequest if you'd like to. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the reveiw! And thanks, again, for pointing out those grammar mistakes, I'll be sure to fix those when I get the chance. I'm glad you liked this chapter as it was. I orriginally considered mixing the events of chapter three into this one and turning them into one chapter. But, as I moved through this chapter, I realized that Runcorn sort of deserved a chapter to himself. I was gald that you thought it worked well, and I'm very happy that you like the story overall so far. Thanks for the offer, I probably will come back and re-request (just to give you a heads up :)). Thanks, once again, for the reviews. They really were helpful! :) Report Review
Hello! I'm here from the forums with the reviews you requested.
I think that your characterizations are spot on--Tonks is Tonks, absolutely, and Remus is in character as well. I can see that he's moved on from the stage he was at with his relationship with Tonks at the end of HBP, and he's allowed himself to love her, yet he's still on edge with their relationship. You portrayed that very well.
There are some grammar mistakes thoughout the chapter; just reading over it, or using grammar check on Word would probably fix it, but betas can help a lot, too. I was confused in one part; I couldn't tell who was speaking, Remus or Tonks:
"And if they refuse?"
"He threatens to have them sacked," Remus let out an indistinguishable sound and sank back into his chair.
I could tell that Tonks said what she did before "And if they refuse?", so I assumed that Remus said that. If he said both "And if they refuse?" and the comment after that, it would make it a lot clearer that he said both things. If he didn't, it's probably just me, and my mind's going all wacko. :/
Your plot is definitely believable so far--it's pretty easy to believe that there are idiotic people like Runcorn working at the Ministry in that point at time, and it'll be interesting as to where it goes. So, good job so far!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you thought the characterizations worked well. I'm also glad that you find the plot believable.
What you pointed out...I think it's a dialouge formatting error. Tonks says the line: "He threatens to have them sacked". Though, you're right, the way I've got it formatted, it doesn't make sense at all. I'll get that fixed.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
Okay, there's one thing that I am going to nitpick you about. Tonks said, or rather she thought, something along the lines of shooting herself in the foot and I don't know... it just sounds extremely Muggle to me. I don't think that she would have said something like that. But that's just me being extremely picky.
I really like your characterization of Tonks. She's strong without being overdone which is great because a lot of Tonks I read in fanfiction are horribly overdone with her traits. I think you've kept it at a reasonable and believable level.
Overall I think you have a great start for a story here. You have a lot of ideas going and so far you've written it very well. I think that this story has a lot of potential to turn into something great(: Keep writing!Author's Response: Thanks! I guess I never really thought about that sentence sounding muggle, but now that I look at it, it really does. (After all, a witch wouldn't consider "shooting" herself in the foot. Hexing herself maybe...). I'll probably go in and change that. Thanks for pointing it out. I'm glad you like the story so far and thanks for all your great reviews. Beleive me, they helped a lot! Report Review
The thing that jumps to mind when reading this is the word characterization. You do it very well. We've only been introduced to a few characters, but they are so distinct I think it is worth noting.
Continuing on from there, Runcorn is quite the character. I mean, wow. He's got a lot going on. You weren't afraid to go all the way with him and to really go all out in describing him and his characteristic traits, and it was really great to read something with such strong... connotations? I don't know if I'm getting my point across all that well, but I hope you can at least partly understand what I'm trying to say here, haha.Author's Response: Thanks so much! I actually had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I'm glad you thought Runcorn was a well drawn character. It was a bit tricky to do a beleiveable characterization for an only 'slightly' canon character. As we only see a bit of Runcorn in the books, I got to make a good bit of him up on my own. Again, I'm very glad that the characterization came off well. Thanks so much again for the review! Report Review
This is ericajen from the froums with your reviews. And on that note I apologize for the horrendous wait you've had to endure for these reviews.
To start off, I have to say the most impressive thing about this chapter is the interactions between Remus and Tonks. The dialogue was fantastic, honestly it really gave me a good impression. It was believable without being boring and it was imformative without being tedious. Very well done. There was also a good balance between the dialogue and the other interactions and descriptions. There was just enough to make it seem right.
The ONLY thing that was off was a few grammar or punctuation mistakes, but as far as the story goes, I was actually very impressed. This is the first Remus/Tonks I've read that I've thought was written well.Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review! Grammar is one of my weakest points in writing. I've gotten most of the grammar mistakes fixed in this chapter, just waiting for that version of the chapter to be validated. I'm glad you think the plot is beleivable and that the dialouge worked. Thanks so much for the review! I really, really appreciate it! Report Review
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