I love your story!!! Please keep going. (Sory if I have grammar mistakes. I'm from Bulgaria and English is not my mother language ;) )Author's Response: I will try to do my best.. my beta is being annoying and not getting back to me... but i'll try my best! :) and no worries lovely, your english is good :) i'm not english either :P x Report Review
worth the waiting! Think the characters are reallistic, just think Herm should have more moral conflicts about Malfoy...or maybe that's still to come! ;)Author's Response: I'm happy people haven't given up on me.. but the long wait was mostly my beta's fault. :P you shall see another side of Hermione next chapter.. hope you like it :) and just hang on there! Report Review
Hello there, this is your requested review from _xDraco.
Firstly, I'd like to apologise that this has taken a few days, but I've been rather busy.
Moving on; in your request you asked me to focus on grammar, story flow and characterisation, so I will comment on them in sections.
There are a several grammar mistakes throughout this chapter, so I will go through them now (all mistakes are mentioned in chronological order).
When the letter is delivered to Hermione you say 'The letter that the owl brought was not at her feet and read...'. Do you mean 'not at her feet', because that doesn't really make sense? You could say 'lying at her feet' if you so wished.
When Hermione is talking about ending the relationship, you say 'but did they really have do end everything like this?'. I think you mean 'to'.
You then go on to say 'Well, she was going to rip him apart, leaving without a cent'. There are two things wrong with this; firstly, as Hermione is British, she would say 'penny' not 'cent'. This isn't a criticism against you if you live in America, or another country which uses the Dollar, but Hermione definitely wouldn't. Following on from this, as she is talking about Ron, who would use the Wizarding currency, she would be leaving him without a Knut, not cent or penny. Also, there should be a 'him' before the 'without'.
In the sentence ''Of course Mione. What is it?' you could hear panic rising in Charlotte's voice'', 'you' should be capitalised. Also, the pronoun 'you' shouldn't really be used. 'You' is used when a story is written in the second person, whereas this is written in the third. What you should say is 'Hermione could hear...'.
'After the war ended Draco had been proved that he wasn't a death eater anymore and had become a lawyer in the wizard world'. In this sentence, several things need changing. Do you mean that Draco had proven that he wasn't a Death Eater, or had someone else (i.e. the Ministry of Magic) proven that he wasn't? If Draco had proven it, you need to put a 'had' in front of 'ended'. If you mean that the Ministry had proven it, you should say 'it had been proven that Draco wasn't a Death Eater.' You then need to put a comma after ended. Also, it should be 'Wizarding World' not 'wizard world' and 'death eater' needs capitalised. So, the sentence may end up reading like this; 'After the war had ended, Draco had proved that he wasn't a Death Eater anymore and had become a lawyer in the Wizarding World.'
When you say 'Through his job he gained a good reputation', you need a comma after 'job' and could then say 'he'd' or 'he had', although this isn't vital.
In the sentence ''Mr. Malfoy?' his secretary miss Blackwell popped her head around the door'', both 'his' and 'miss' need capitalising.
When Draco asks his secretary whether he is free next week, she replies Yes, you do sir.' This should be 'Yes, you are Sir'. If you want to say 'Yes, you do Sir', Draco should ask if he HAS any free time, not IF he's free. Also, 'sir' needs to be capitalised.
Similar to this, Hermione asks Charlotte if she's free to meet in the bar, and she replied 'Yes, I do...'. Again, this should be 'Yes, I am.'
In the very last line you say, ''Bye, see you tonight!' there was nothing that could make Hermione more happy right at that moment''. 'There' should be capitalised.
Now, although there seems to be a lot of things I've mentioned, most of them are minor things and more still are just lack of capitalised letters. Although these don't seem to be of great importance, after a while it can really disrupt the flow of your writing. If you didn't use a BETA, may I suggest that you look into using one in the future? I think they could really help you just iron out a few mistakes.
Having said all that, your spelling was perfect throughout, so well done.
I feel that despite the fact that Draco is now reformed, you managed to keep him in character very well. I particularly like the line 'Even though he was a better person, old habits die hard and there was still arrogance left within him.' I think this captures the person who he's become, and the person he once was perfectly.
However, I'm slightly concerned with how quickly Hermione decided upon revenge. Baring in mind that she'd only found out that Ron wanted a divorce that morning, the fact that she was arranging a lawyer the same afternoon is somewhat unbelievable. That's by no means saying that she wouldn't want revenge at some point, but she would first have to go through the grieving process. Perhaps if you said something like 'Hermione stared at the letter that she had received over a month ago, and it read *whatever it says*. She had finally decided upon suitable payback'. Obviously, I'm sure you can think of something better to say than that, but you get the idea.
In terms of the flow of the chapter, it is always clear what was happening and who the chapter was focusing on, be it Draco or Hermione. So congratulations with that; there is nothing more annoying that reading a story that does nothing but confuse you.
If you feel there is something I haven't mentioned, don't understand a point I've made or have a question, please feel free to PM me. Thank you for requesting! :)
_xDraco.Author's Response: and thank you for leaving such a great review! it helped me greatly! :) Report Review
please post soon...
more power to you...
i love the premise of draco and hermione helping each other...Author's Response: hahaa.. i try my best to update asap. but i have a couple of projects going on at one time and i don't really make a plan before writing, which might be a minus but at the same time it gives me a different perspective on things :) i shall try to update more often ^^ Report Review
OMG please let him see her in her swim suit ! please liza :) hahahaha okk never mind thenn :P i love it :))Author's Response: Hahaaa, you'll see what happens when I post up the next ch. hihii. Sorry, I can't tell you :P it's a secret ^^
Glad you like it :)
x Report Review
Excellent start, I cant wait to read the next chapter!Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it :) I'll do my best to try to get the chapter up as soon as possible :) Report Review
I loved it:) Update soon! And your banner is amazing!:)Author's Response: I'm really happy about that.. Hehee, all the credit goes to the artist! :) Report Review
please post the next chapter soon...
i'm kind of following your story because i enjoyed the premise that draco and hermione will work together for a common goal...
please post soon and more power to you!
:-)Author's Response: I'll try to do my best but i have been really busy lately...
Will see how flawlessly they manage to do that ;)
I'll try to do my best.. That's a promise :) Report Review
nice story. I really liked the part where they realize that they are supposed to meet in the cafe. Please continue this story. Will be waiting for the nest chapter. ;)Author's Response: I'm really glad you like it :) I really try my best to have the story flowing and actually making sense - so that the characters don't differ too much from what they were in the books :) Report Review
Great chapter! I love Hermione! :) Draco is amaing! YAY! I am so happy you posted! Please post more sooN!Author's Response: I'm trying to keep as close to the original characters as I can because I hate when they are made what they really aren't. And the bickering is something they would definitely do :P So, there is more of that to come (among with other stuff ;))
I'll try my best but I've been really busy with school lately :/ Report Review
omg it's so malfoy :) ahaha awkward turtle for when they meet :P i loved it :PAuthor's Response: dude! you really have noo clue what's gonna happen!! and i'm not telling you who it is (at school either) cuz it might be a twist!! :P Report Review
Aww I'm touched :P and as a good beta I am sending you the other stuff :) I loved it ^^ Draco Rich, hot, Successful, single Who wouldn't WANT HIM? seriously!! even if they aren't fans of Slytherin DRACO/TOM FELTON is GORGEOUS!! Okay I'm done ranting. xxRainbowVeinsxxAuthor's Response: i know right? you'll get next ch soon enough so u can read it :) xx Report Review
omg i cant wait for chapter 2 :) please tell me when we get to school whats gonna happen and now that ive read ur chapter u have to read my mine, k??? just go to jsiita and look at stories, you know what to do.. luv you hun..and i love draco as a lawyer...he's probably all intense and sexy in the courtroom, are you gonna have a scene with him in the courtroom??? please saaayyy you are :P okk i was rambling but i now im done i like it :PAuthor's Response: Well, i have already submitted the ch for validation so it should be up by monday :) so then u can read it. ill read ur thing in a sec :) ill see what i can do about the courtroom thing xD Report Review
Personal Problems?? Abandoned??? What are you not telling me Liza?!!!?! Oh don't forget the money thing I told you ;) Working on your story as I'm typing this. Loving your story!
xxImanAuthor's Response: You perfectly well know what im talking abt.. xD but im putting up the next ch (cuz im finished with that) as soon as ch 2 for this one is finally validated.. and in ch 3 you get the money thing xD but i think ch 2 will be pretty interesting Report Review
Pretty good, i would like to read next chapter soon. So Hermione is now pretty rich or what ?Author's Response: Glad you liked it :) Yeah, kinda. not that she is the richest but she has much more money than needed.. :) I'm already almost done with the next ch so will post it up soon :)
xx Report Review
Wow! Please post more soon! He still had arrogance! loL! He wouldnt be malfoy if he didnt!Author's Response: I'll try and do my best :) yeah, i know.. i just thought it might be necessary to throw that in. 'cause sometimes when you have Draco after the war he is done quite fluffy and the arrogance which makes him what he is is lost... :P Report Review
Good start to the story, very well done!Author's Response: thank you! I'm glad you like it :) Report Review
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