5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Kyle101k Prologue

14th December 2010:
Sounds good so far! I like how you talked about him and hiding the diadem! Continue writing please!
-Kyle

Author's Response: Thanks Kyle:)

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Review #2, by Riya Potter Prologue

21st July 2010:
Wow... nice begining for a mysterious story. You wrote it nice but a bit in hurry... but I didn't mind it as I too write the same way. Nice Voldemort story... n better idea
Update soon^_^

Keep writing... :)

Author's Response: Thanks! Your review means alot!

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Review #3, by Cherry Bear Prologue

28th June 2010:
Hello there! I'm finally here with a review for your challenge entry. Sorry it took such a long time, and thank you for being so patient. I'm a bit sad to see that there is only one chapter up so far; this seems like an original, intriguing idea and I was definitely left wondering what was going to happen next. I thought this chapter was a bit too short, though, and I think you might get more readers if you lengthened your chapters in the future (when you do get around to updating ;D).

As I said, I think this is a really original idea. I love Alternate Universe stories, and I'm interested in seeing how Voldemort's position at Hogwarts will advance his quest for power (or maybe even hinder it). Your hooking first sentence was really good; I definitely found myself thinking, "What?! What's going to happen next?" and I wish every story would have me thinking that but, sadly, not everyone's as good at writing hooks as you are (; I hope you keep the importance of hooks in mind with whatever you write in the future. I think it definitely made this stand out more to me.

That being said, it seems like there are quite a bit of typos and errors in this. I tell mostly everyone to get a beta - if only because I think having a second pair of eyes look over any writing is extremely helpful - and I think that this story could benefit a lot from a beta. Some errors that I noticed:
- in "overwise known as the headmaster's office door", I think you meant for 'overwise' to be 'otherwise'.
- in "'Come in we have much to talk about,' said the headaster", the 'headaster' should be 'headmaster'.
- at the end of the quotation, "'Now that you brought it up if you don't mind I would like to see a copy of your qualifications and transcript.", there should be an end-quotation mark at the end rather than nothing
- in, "He read them throughly", I think you meant for 'throughly' to be 'thoroughly'.
- in, "'I am definitely willing to give you this job do to our difficulties in finding a replacement", 'do to' should be 'due to'.
- in, "He looked for awile at the piles of junk and treasures alike before throwing the Horcrux deep into the mountainous heaps of missing things", I think you meant for 'awile' to be 'awhile'.
- in both, "'I definitely don't take education lightly, as my grades will display,' said Tom proudly" and "'Yes I am,' Tom said proudly", your dialogue tags both use 'proudly', which sounds a bit redundant so you might want to get rid of one, especially since they're so close together. It's also important to stay consistent in how you write your dialogue tags, so I think in the second example you should switch it from 'Tom said' to 'said Tom', to stay parallel with the first example and the rest of your dialogue tags.
- in the beginning and most of the chapter, you call him Tom Riddle, but then at the last sentence, you switch to Voldemort. This seems a bit inconsistent.
- first you refer to the Room of Requirement as The Room of hidden Things, and then as the Room of Missing Things. I'm guessing this was just an oversight on you part; it seems inconsistent as well.
- in sentences like, "'Well you're more than qualified, but the question isn't your brains it's how well you teach,' said the headmaster after a few more minutes of silent reading, 'I am definitely willing to give you this job do to our difficulties in finding a replacement. Even so this is the best transcript I have seen since Albus Dumbledore's'", the comma after 'silent reading' should be a period. When a character says one long sentence that's interrupted by a dialogue tag, you use commas (i.e. "This morning I had," Dudley said, pausing to swallow a bite of pizza, "three bowls of cereal."). But when the second sentence is a completely different sentence, rather than a continuation of the first sentence, then a period is used (i.e. "You are such a pig," Harry retorted. "I can't believe you can eat that much."). I'm sorry if I'm rotten at explaining this, but there's a great topic on the HPFF forums that I recommend checking out if you want help; it's in the Writer's Resources forum under the Grammar Guidelines subforum and it's called "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dialogue". I know that I found it really helpful, at least.

Sorry if any of these things seem nit-picky; I don't intend to offend you at all. I just want this story to be the best that it can be, especially with how original of an idea it is.

Those are all the criticisms I can think of, so on to the good stuff! One thing that I thought you did really well was show the sort of malicious and secretive side of Tom Riddle. In the beginning, I thought you were going to completely mess up his characterization because he seemed like such a good boy, but now I think that including that deceptively sweet nature of his in the beginning provides a good contrast to the ulterior motive dark wizard you show in the end - the guy who sneaks away to stow his Horcrux.

Additionally, I think that you've done a good job of making me wonder what's going to happen next. I'm glad you didn't outright say who was following him, and rather decided to let the reader guess for themselves and have to impatiently wait to hear who it was. I'm hoping that you'll answer that question in upcoming chapters and you're just keeping us in suspense - otherwise you are a cruel cruel author ;)

I can't really think of much else to say. I think my review might even be longer than your chapter ;) Just teasing. I really enjoyed this, so thank you for entering my challenge! Hopefully some of my criticisms will be helpful for you; if you think all of them are completely ridiculous/they offend you/anything of the sort, please just feel free to ignore them. Check back after the challenge deadline to see if you've won, mmkay? Thanks!

Cherry Bear

Author's Response: Wow thank you for this really well thought out review! It really helps me as a writer. I can't wait to see who won the challenge

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Review #4, by moonbaby11 Prologue

8th May 2010:
Hm.. this is interesting so far! I'd love to see more of it! And, yes, you are a good writer!

Author's Response: Wow! You're too nice! This review would get a 10/10 if I could rate it!

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Review #5, by starwarstina Prologue

27th April 2010:
Even for a first chapter and even for a short story, this is pretty short. It seems like you have a lot more to say, but you don't... or save it for the next chapter.
"this job do to our" I believe this calls for a "due," no?
So anyways, it's intriguing.
Who's the headmaster?
I'll look for the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review!

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