Hi Jasaline! I'm here with your review. I must say that this is one of the most unique pairings I've ever seen on HPFF. But I think you did a really good job with it.
I really liked the first part of this because it was done in second person and it was like Dom was talking to Sirius, even though the whole story is about Rose. It was really interesting to read and I could definitely tell that Dom was holding a grudge against Sirius for everything that had happened. Thus, your characterization of Dom was done really well in that first part. Rose, while her characterization isn't like anything I've read before, was also done well. The only one I feel we need to know more about at this point is Sirius, but I am sure that the story will characterize him more as it goes on!
As I said, your plot is really interesting. I would have been confused about Rose and Sirius being in the same place were it not for your summary which explained it enough so as not to confuse anyone but also so as not to give too much away. Good job with that! I like the way you organized it too, with the roman numerals. I love when people mess around with time lines! So, I think it flowed rather nicely.
The dialogue also flowed well and seemed realistic, especially in the first part. You had a couple of really nice lines that really struck me and I thought I'd point out. "My cousinís middle name is named after Siriusóhe and his siblings are all named after dead people, you see." I love that! It's witty and hilarious, yet absolutely true. "You canít commit suicide and stop your thoughts when youíre already dead, you know." The way that line was written just makes it seem like Sirius has personal experience with this and it just struck me as so sad.
I am definitely impressed with this! I think this would be a really hard pairing to write convincingly but you've done such a good job with it in this chapter. Feel free to re-request once you have more chapters up! :) Report Review
Hi love, I'm here for your review. I think that the premise of this story is interesting, and could be very successful if you have it all mapped out and don't leave loose ends fluttering about. :D
That being said, I have mixed reations to the text. The beginning is so erethreal and description heavy, then all of a sudden it stops and becomes fast paced witty narrative. This didn't sit well with me. I feel like the fast paced narrative is more natural sounding. Both styles were well written, but didn't seem to flow from one to the other. Perhaps leave the Prologue as a chapter of its own and then start the story at chapter I when the narrative style takes over?? I've seen that done successfully many times. :) Also, the switch from second to first person was a bit odd. It was very difficult to make the jump between the you and the I and know what character was which. Although your second person writing was gorgeous.
Now that the constructive criticism is out of the way, onto the fun squishable part of the review. :D
I think that the idea is wonderful. I would never in a million and a half years think to put these two together. I thought Sirius' confusion at the Weasley girl's identity was well placed and well written. I think that your characterisations are coming along nicely. How old is Rose supposed to be in this chapter? She sounds a bit on the younger side, and I'm not sure if this was your intention or not. I really enjoyed the witty banter between them. Remember to keep the dialogue natural... :D
This paragraph was by FAR my favourite:
The Hogwarts class of the 1970s, his graduating class, was long gone. No trace of it remained except for memories, the deceased memories of itself and others who had lived on and told such tales with dignity and honor.
It is so moving. This is an excellent example of tucking some description into the narrative. It is an excellent balance here. It flows naturally out of the narrative and naturally into it. Besides that it is a beautiful and sad image.
I'm anxious to see where you are going with this story, so please feel free to request again when you have another chapter posted. :)
MelissaAuthor's Response: Hi Melissa! -hugs-
Thank you so much for this amazingly long, and most importantly, extremely helpful review! You have no idea how much I needed this constructive criticism. =D
Yes, I admit, I regretted having switched the POVs as soon as a week after posting it up. Now that you've pointed out exactly what needs to be fixed, I feel a bit relieved with this piece...that I don't have to give up on this story after all. Now all I have to do is figure out how to change it around! =P
The POVs are written so differently because I wanted Dom's story to sound more sophisticated, whilst Sirius's would be more witty and down-to-earth, but I guess it ended up clashing with each other.
Rose is around 15-16 in this story, brilliant and book-smart, but horribly naive when it comes to relationships. Dominique knows her well and that's why she's so critical of Rose. Anyways, enough rambling on my part! I'm glad you like the storyline and the (strange) idea-- I thought that too many people would be freaked out by the generation gap to like it!
I'm glad you liked the paragraph; I'm a sucker for hints of sad, nostalgic little things ^^
Thanks, again, for the review, Melissa! And I'll definitely re-request if I have a new chapter updated!
- Jasaline Report Review
I really like this point of view, a lot! I'm curious to see how Harry and Sirius would respond to eachother, if that is going to happen :). Update soon?
10/10!Author's Response: Thanks, I'm thinking of updating this as soon as my tests are over, which is next week! Report Review
Haha, I think that I am going to enjoy this story a lotAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! Report Review
oooh! I love this! Please update soon! I hope Sirius gets to meet Harry too! 10/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
I like the concept...a lot. I think the first half of the story leaves some confusion cause you leap from Sirius to Dom and there is no distinction between the two. Other than that I would like the see how the story developed. Will Sirius approach any of his relatives?Author's Response: Thanks for the review and suggestions. Yes, I suppose it would be pretty confusing that I jump from Dom's POV to Sirius's, but the rest of the story will probably follow this pattern. I want to portray the Sirius/Rose relationship from an outsider's perspective as well. But thanks for the suggestion!
Also, regarding Sirius and relatives...he probably can't approach his relatives, as most of them are dead but whether he will approach Harry and Potter-Weasley family is yet to be written and yet for you to find out ;)
Mwahahaha I'm evil, aren't I?
-Jasaline Report Review
I love this story! Please update soon. Did you get the observation deck from elsewhere?Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
And regarding the observation deck, I believe it's a figment of my imagination, but I there are many novels and stories out there that revolve around the similar theme of the dead watching those alive.
I hope I'll find the time to update soon :) Report Review
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