Hello, AngelEyez3954 here with your review!
I enjoyed this story, although I find it to be a bit rushed - putting too much into a one-shot. The story jumps very quickly from Scorpius as a child to Scorpius starting Hogwarts and suddenly to Scorpius as a 7th Year. I think that this story has definite potential to be turned into a longer story so that you can expand upon each of these important time frames - how was Scorpius as a child? How did the conversation between him and Draco go? Can you give some more detailed examples of how Albus acts towards Scorpius? Can you detail more interactions between Scorpius and Rose?
Also, I worry a bit about the clicheness of Rose and Scorpius sharing a dormitory as Head Boy and Head Girl. The fact that this is a bit of a love story (possibly unrequited) only adds to this. I think you may want to be careful how you tread on that subject.
Finally, I found the ending to be a bit sudden. I think it could be reworked a bit so that it flows a little better.
Again, I did enjoy the story overall and I think it has some definite potential - especially as a longer story!
~LJAuthor's Response: Thanks for the very well thought out review! I have thought about turning this into something longer, and your CC helps, thanks again! Report Review
Hi! Here with your review!
Now, the way I do reviews is I let my inner critic dictate the first part, and outline any typos, grammatical errors and the like I may have spotted. Then I talk about your story.
Right. I did notice a few things so I'll just run through them quickly. The first was here: "Did I mention I hate him." Great sentence, but ideally you should replace your full stop (period, if you're American, which I suspect you are from your spelling) with a question mark - not only would it make better sense grammatically, but it would also add some weight to the line and give it a bit more dramatic impact. Up to you, of course, but I thought I'd mention it.
I think you could do with a joining word in this sentence: "Sprinkle that one top of an idiot cousin and lingering prejudice you will get a recipe for my life" - if you put an "and" between "prejudice" and "you", I think it would read just a little more smoothly.
You've also used the wrong word here: "They mostly threatened me a bit and where done." - I think you mean WERE done.
In addition, you spelled "quidditch" incorrectly a couple of times, "scheme" needs an "h", "snitches" should have an "e" in it and "awhile" is two words, not one.
Right. Enough of that. Your story. I liked this. It's short, sharp and to the point, but you've put enough background information in there so that we know exactly what the relationships are. I admit I cringed a little at the Head Dorms - the canon nerd in me, of course - but they're so prevalent in fanfic that it's not a big deal.
I thought Scorpius' voice was very well done - frank and honest, occasionally diverted but generally keeping to the point. It felt very real and that's not always as common as you might think in fanfic. I liked the reference to Fred & George with the detention record, that was a nice touch and gave a nice anchor to the books we know, and I liked the subtle recognition that Scorpius does all he can to provoke Albus ... not so different from his father in some ways, I think. It's there, but you don't dwell on it, which I think is a good thing - it means that the more you read this story the more you get out of it, if that makes any sense.
Overall, I thought this was a short but very solid one-shot, with some quite strong characterisation and a surprising amount of plot for the word count. Well done!
PS I just want to apologise for taking so long to respond to the reviews you left on my story - I'll get to them as quickly as I can. Sorry for the delay!Author's Response: Thank you for this well thought out review! It means alot!
Hello! Here I am finally with your review. I'm so sorry about the wait :O
I think you should probably extend this according to the way that you've written this one-shot. It's more like an introduction. I feel like there's an underlying theme but it has yet to be developed. I can feel a plot itching to bloom but you're keeping the petals closed...
You asked if extending this was worth your time, and I think it's up to you. I noticed that you wrote this for a challenge, and a lot of the time authors just write it up without really loving the story. If you love this story, then I would recommend fully that you continue to write about it.
Also, I noticed that you're missing a LOT of necessary commas. Since it's an introduction (I'm assuming) there should be a lot more pauses for the reader to be able to digest the information. It kind of just rambles on sometimes, you know, and it's uncomfortable. >_<
Maybe you should get a peer or beta to quickly go over this just for other punctuation mistakes, too, but it's just a suggestion.
I can tell this story has a lot of potential! Good luck with future writing! :D
~foundriapenguinAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for all of your suggestions! I've actually decided to extend this! Report Review
Hey! Sorry to pop back in like this, but I forgot something the first time. I'm doing this not logged in, because I don't want it to be considered spamming. :/
Quidditch has two D's in it and it should also be captilized!
Okay, that's all. Once again, good job! :DAuthor's Response: OH! It does. I feel so dumb! I guess I'm not the Harry Potter expert I thought I was. Thanks again! Report Review
Hey! This is mizzxpearl from the forums with your requested review. :) I'm SO sorry it took this long to get to! Especially since the story itself was so short!
Hmm, well I really did like the beginning. I like how you Scorpius would say something, but then acknowledge that what he said was a bit out there. It made the story more personal in a way, you know?
I also liked how you strayed away from cliches. You didn't put Rose in Gryffindor and Albus and Slytherin, eventually leading to Albus and Scorpius becoming best friends (although, I myself, love that kind of story :P). Also, I liked the witty humor you had every now and then!
Okay, so onto what you can improve? COMMAS, COMMAS, COMMAS! I strongly suggest getting a beta for the story. I myself had (and still HAVE) a lot of trouble with commas, especially if it's my own story that I'm reading. Also, there was this one section which I read again and again and I still had trouble understanding it:
They mostly threatened me a bit and where done. All except Albus "I think I'm great because my dad was" Potter.
Did I mention I hate him. I've broken Fred and George Weasley's record for detentions, all because we fight that often. At first we would mostly get away with it by using the old ' we're really best mates' excuse, but after first year professors started to crack down on us and we were made into regular detention mates.
So yeah, just give that section a bit of a review. (By the way, 'Did I mention I hate him,' should end with a question mark, since he's asking a question).
But yes, if you get a beta, this can definitely become a very cute read! The one thing about the plot itself that I would suggest is giving more charactersations. I was able understand Scorpius, but I felt as if Rose and Albus were left in the dark. But I guess, what else can you do for a one-shot, huh? :P
Anyway, keep writing! You're dong great! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked this! Oh and thanks for the CC! Report Review
Before I go into the actual story, let me just talk about errors in your narrative, get the boring bit out of the way first. I'd advise you to get a beta for this; you lack commas in a lot of places and there were times when your word ordering/word choice was awkward. Betas on the forums will help you solve this really easily and help to improve the readability - because I find that when punctuation is incorrectly used it breaks the flow and almost takes away part of the story. Because I'm sure with changes, this could read very well indeed. A simple thing for a vast improvement :) Right, so I'm not going to list all the places I feel you need to edit, because a beta can do that in far more detail than I can in a review - I hope that's okay.
I can see why you had some comments that this was funny - I think overall there were these occasional flippant remarks, almost sarcasm but not quite. You've got quite a witty narrative voice, which is rare to find in writers these days. It helps characterise Scorpius as your protagonist, and although the humour helps, I personally felt that you could have done so much more to go towards the characterisation in this fic. My main complain about the characterisation is that you only told me a few things about the characters, nothing to actually show me their traits, their hopes, their fears... anything. As such, they were rather two-dimensional, I'm afraid. When you first introduce Rose, she gets less than a paragraph of description - there was nothing about how Scorpius feels, and if he were truly in love with her I'd have expected there to be more descriptions, comparisons, similes, metaphors... something. Effectively you just listed things about their relationship and I just know you could have gone further with this than you did - you've already demonstrated that your character voice is witty, I think you could have used that to demonstrate how strongly he feels about Rose at some point, whether at the beginning or the end. It would have taken this to a completely new level.
I don't know how much advice I can give you, because I just needed more detail in general to get to grips with your plot and characters - I don't feel like this is long enough for me to be able to give proper feedback. If you ever consider editing this, I think you should add more and work on your description - remember show instead of tell. Again with the introduction of Rose, there was so much you could have said to characterise her - the way she walked, where she looked as she entered the room, who spoke the first word, things like that. Small details about a person can make a big difference to the overall effect. If you're struggling for ideas, just think of someone you know really well and consider what their obvious traits are - anything from tapping the desk with fingers when bored to always tucking their hair behind their ear.
I hope this was helpful and wasn't too harsh - I'd be happy to give you feedback again if you'd like me to help :)
- MarinaAuthor's Response: Thank you sooo much for this long and thought out review. It really helps me get better as a writer. I love CC!
P.S. It wasn't too harsh at all. Thanks again! Report Review
Jesi here, with your requested review! (:
I loved your story! x) It was short, but you made your point. I think that, if you wanted, you could extend it a little further. If you like the way it is now, that's great! The end wasn't abrupt or anything so it'd be fine to leave it be.
Now, there were a few things that I caught while reading. You might want to fix them to help the flow.
"She set and we talked for awhile, but then her cousin Albus came in and pulled her out." --> I think the word 'set' should be 'sat'.
"We started off being good friends by waking up early and meeting Rosie, as I called her, in the library." --> This doesn't really make sense. Read it out loud a few times and fix the punctuation, or re-word it. (:
"They mostly threatened me a bit and where done." --> The word 'where' should be 'were'.
"Did I mention I hate him." This is a question, therefore it should have a question mark at the end.
"I don't like to brag, but if I should say so I'm a lady charmer." --> This should be fixed; it makes the rest of the paragraph choppy. It's a good sentence, it just needs to be tweaked a bit.
"I also beat Potter in quiditch, grades, and life in general, but me getting to be head boy was a low blow because it meant I was going to live alone with Rose and he couldn't do anything about it." --> Run-on sentence. Fix the punctuation and it'll be peachy!
"I find myself not wanting to be near her because it's to weird." --> The word 'to' (the second one in the sentence) should be 'too'. If you wanted to extend this story, this would be a good concept to run with.
Personally, I think you could elaborate more on the feelings he has for Rose. You could also have him contemplate how those feelings came about? Instead of saying "It was living alone with Rose that made realise this year is different between us." You could take it deeper and add a few lines of dialogue, or even scene with Rose and Scorp interacting.
Of course, these are all just suggestions; you should go with your gut.
If you do decide to expand this one-shot, I think you've set a good foundation. Good luck, hon! I really enjoyed your story! ((:
JesiAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the CC! It is helpful and I will edit ASAP. I am definitely going to extend this sometime in the future. Thanks! Report Review
RonNiffler here with your review!
The main idea of your story was good. It was border line clich'e though so you got to be careful, but since it's only a one shot you should be fine. =)
I feel as though it is a bit short, but there is nothing wrong with that. =). But maybe if you added some more detail and stuff you could make it longer. And you know what they say that more detail is always better.
Ok I know I keep being a picky reviewer, but I only have one more thing. I feel as though you only tell through your whole story. Try showing more, it's first off a more interesting way of writing and for another thing a more advanced way of writing.
Ok! Now onto what I loved.
Your story in general was really good! Your characters were very realistic. And I just loved being in Scorpius mind.
And your last line BRILLIANT!
Well great job!Author's Response: Thank you! I love CC. I really love my last line too! Report Review
it's good so far... but i feel like this is only half of the story?Author's Response: Yes, I know what you mean. I'm going to extend it. Report Review
i can see that he will end up very frustrated with his predicament. hope you like the bannerAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review and the banner. 8] Report Review
This is your challenge creator here, finally reviewing your submission! So sorry for the wait.
What a fun little one-shot! I'm not particularly used to stories in the first person, so this was an exciting and unexpected change. I'm afraid this review will likely be scatter-brained, but I'll do my best not to get too tangential, but I make no guarantees. :)
What I enjoyed the most, I think, was the casual tone that you gave the narrator, as if he was ranting to a friend. It felt real to me, and was definitely a good representation of a teenager's take on life. I think that because you did so well with that, I wasn't bothered by your skimming over seven years. That normally bothers me, just because I crave detail, but because this felt like a guy ranting uncontrollably to someone, it worked really well and I liked it.
The bluntness of the piece as a whole made me smile. I like characters with attitude, and he definitely had it--his take on Albus was absolutely hilarious! And his cynicism made his care for Rose even more poignant. In that vein, the beginning and endings were great. You hooked me in at the beginning and ended with a fun closer that left me satisfied.
Quote integration was great, and you made a great story that worked in unison with that quote. It was a sweet story, and I liked that you kept it somewhat open ended. It wrapped, leaving the reader wondering if he would get the girl or not, and I liked it.
Overall, great work. There are a few punctuation errors and a few of the sentences could use a little rewording to streamline the story as a whole. Other than that, you created a great character that relayed a story that was both hilarious and affecting at the same time. That's a hard balance, and I think you did a nice job at achieving it.
Thanks so much for the submission! I had a great time reading it.
ChristineAuthor's Response: Thank you sooo much! I'm a teenager myself, so I can really enter his adolescent mind and I'm glad it showed! Thanks again for the lovely review and great challenge! Report Review
Hello there! This was really good - especially the beginning was very funny. I liked the story and I love Scorpius. Plus: Scorpius and Al weren't bestfriends! Wooh! Not that I don't like them being friends, it's just refreshing to see them as enemies. The only issue I noticed was a lack of commas, but I'm probably being weirdly nitpicky. My grammer is not so great anyway - who am I to judge? But I always feel like reviews with CC are the most useful so there you go!
Thank you for posting! I really enjoyed reading this. Haha, the line about Scorpius and his name had me cracking up. It was very humorous overall. Good work and thank you for the review you left me :)Author's Response: You're great thank you. I'm glad you found my fic humorous. I tried to make Scorpius' sarcasm as much like Draco's as possible as that's all I had to work off of.
I'm not really a big fan of them being best friends. I just don't see it because the way I see it Harry would forgive Draco, so it wouldn't be forbidden and thus not as interesting.
Thanks again for the review.
- crestwood Report Review
OMG! I loved that! It was really good! There were a few errros I noticed, but not that many. I liked the line about Scorp and Al beating Fred and Geroge's detention record! Great job! :) Keep up the good stuff!Author's Response: Thank you so much!! You're great. I'm really glad you liked it! Report Review
not going to lie, this story was a bit of a disappointment. it all feels like it should lead somewhere, but then, you ended it very abruptly, with absolutely nothing happening in the present between rose and scorpius. where does this story go? what will happen between them, if anything? will scorpius finally get the courage to tell rose how he feels? far too short and too open an ending.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
I liked the fact that Scorpius wasn't really speaking to Rose, it made this more interesting. Scorpius and Rose are so often worst enemies suddenly transformed into lovers that this made a nice change!
Is Rose in Ravenclaw or Gryffindor? Early on it said she was a Ravenclaw but they decorated the Head Boy and Girl common room with Gryffindor and Slytherin colours.
This has great potential for a story as there's so much information here. The ending was a little abrupt and I wanted another chapter to read! I think this works better as a prologue for a story rather than a one-shot.
I enjoyed it, I just think it needs a little work for it to be great :)Author's Response: Yes I am aware that Rose was accidentally implied to be in two houses. I have just edited that, but thanks anyway. I'm actually planning on extending this as I have gotten so many requests to. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the review! Report Review
First; I think that you incorporated the quote you were given very well, and it flows perfectly with the story.
Also, this line would have to be my favorite:
"...But no matter what people treated me like something they scraped off of the bottom of their shoe."
That sentence really shows how different Scorpius' childhood (the beginning, at least) was different from his father's -- you know, up until OotP or so, Draco was practically treated like Wizarding royalty, and Scorpius, of course, wouldn't have been. So, good job there. :)
You do have a couple of grammatical/spelling errors, so you might want to reread it or use spellcheck. Betas can be really helpful, too.
Have you thought of expanding this into a short story, maybe? It just seems rather rushed and on the short side for a one-shot, and some places where you have a paragraph or two could fit nicely as a chapter instead.
The paragraph on Scorpius' girlfriends and fan club comes across as immature on Scorpius' part, to be honest, and cliched. Otherwise, though, I thought that Scorpius had a strong voice for your main character, and I found him entertaining.
Overall, I think that you've got a good plot, some really strong parts of the story, and this could really be improved on by expanding it. I enjoyed reading it -- it was a cute, fun read -- and I hope that you didn't find this review too harsh. :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I appreciate it. It wasn't too harsh at all. Report Review
Aw, I liked this! Scorpius seems really believable. I think you've really captured the whole prejudice thing. I think I a lot of stories that involve Scorpius just kind of gloss over the fact that his dad was a Death Eater. (albeit, not a very good one, but...) I really liked it! Scorpius seemed like a real teenager (complaining all the time haha) and like a person who's dad is pretty much hated in the community he's in. :) Great job!Author's Response: Thank you sooo much! I'm glad you like Scorpius! Report Review
Oh cool :) I like it :)
Such a sudden ending.well can't help it.
your scorpius rocks XD
krapfmAuthor's Response: I don't really like the ending at all. I'm probably going to extend this. Report Review
Wow! This is really well written!
Great beginning, great story, great ending!
Fantastic job (:
I love your way of writing, "One time we even got a detention while in detention." haha.
It might be possible to expand this story. You've got me hooked, and I want to find out what happens between Scorpius and Rose.
Love it (:Author's Response: Thank you sooo much! This review really made my day! Report Review
Hey, it's DarkRose from the forums...
Okay, honey. I'm going to be very picky and explain anything you've done wrong and right here.
Let's throw out a compliment first, shall we? :] Okay, I really think that the plot works well. I think it holds a lot of promise. I liked that Rose and Scorpius were best friends instead of Albus and Scorpius. I thought that rivalry was nice and original.
Now for some things you can improve: first off, you need a beta-reader. If you would like me to beta for you, contact me on the forums, I'd be happy to do so. You have a lot of grammar errors and several spelling errors. Which can majorly turn off readers.
Also, there were a few really... lame (not the best word for it...) parts in the story: the entire monologue about Scorpius's fanclub. :P And that he and Draco fought about Draco being on the "bad side" during the war. And the random interlude about customizing the Heads' Dorms. :P
Oh, and you said that Rose was in Ravenclaw, but they supposedly decorated the Heads' Dorms with Gryffindor and Slytherin colors. o.O
So... eesh... what else?
You had some nice descriptions! I promise, you did! :] And your voice was consistant. And really, the plot has a lot of promise, but it jumps around a lot which might need to be changed for greater fluency.
Overall it wasn't a terribly bad story. :] But definitely check into having someone Beta for you.
--DracoFerret11/DarkRoseAuthor's Response: Thanks for the well thought through review! I would love to have you as a beta reader so I'll talk on the forums. Report Review
Hello crest wood this is hermione999 you reviewed my story so I am reviewing yours and I like your story. ^_^Author's Response: Thank you. It's nice to hear that SOMEONE likes it. Report Review
Hi RoseWeasleysPatronus from the forums, Ava here to review.
The ending was rather (rather) sudden to be honest. But I enjoyed the story, Scorpius has an amusing sense of humor largely relying upon sarcasm, which is much the same as his father, so well done with his characterisation.
The writing was a bit sharp stop and start in places but the story sent forward a very clear message and I enjoyed reading it.
You've got promise in your writing, keep at it!
Ava xxAuthor's Response: Thank you. It's always good to read a positive review. Report Review
Alright, allow me to first get in a bit of constructive criticism:
-At times, the grammar was improper. You lacked commas that were necessary on some occasions. Not a huge deal, but something that should be fixed.
-You misspelled Gryffindor, tee hee.
-I'm a bit worried that this might be sort of cliche. There's so many stories out there about Rose and Scorp and one-on-one time through being head boy and head girl. Cliches can work out, though, sometimes, if they happen to be well-written and executed properly. Hopefully you'll get there :)
Now, for the good stuff. Save the best for last, right?
I quite like Scorp's characterization. The whole "life sucks" thing is pretty great. His conflicting feelings for Rose are also a plus. He's a good character over all, and it makes for an interesting story. You've got a hold on the whole teenage-boy-hopeless-love fandango.Author's Response: Thank you for the thought through review. It helps. Report Review
Hi, well this story was very cool.
um... there were a few spelling mistakes, but if you read over it i am sure you will pick them up, i'm not going to be too hard on that because I make them as well.
But all together a very nice story, I hope you do well in the challenge
Estelle XOXAuthor's Response: Thank you for reviewing. Your awesome! Report Review
I like how blunt Scorpius is. And I love how he acts as if the audience has interrupted his story when actually HE has xD!
You're missing a few punctuationy bits, like commas and the full stop at the end of the first paragraph. There's a few spelling things too, like on wishes and quidditch and Gryffindor. You should probably get a beta to clean all that up.
I LOVED this line: One time we even got a detention while in detention.
It made me laugh so hard.
I quite like this monologue as a whole, but the punctuation things (I'm REALLLY nitpicky) and the few spelling mistakes draw me away from it a little. I love that last line though. It's all very clever.
7/10Author's Response: Thank you I'm glad you saw the cleverness I was going for. This review really made my day! Report Review
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