Reading Reviews for From the Outside
  
23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marauderfan The Smart Option

15th January 2014:
For our review swap! I'd read the first chapter a little while ago so I'm back for the second. :)

Oh, poor Lily. You've done really well once again at keeping her in character as a 14 year old girl with a crush. She's a bit annoying, actually, but that's why she's so realistic :D And I can understand why she feels how she does, that must be hard for her.

I like the point you made about the Granger-Weasleys and the Weasley-Potters not getting on very well because Ginny and Ron used to fight all the time. IT's a neat twist, because usually I see them as best friends and, obviously, you can't be BFFs with all your cousins if you have that many. So it seemed quite realistic.

If you don't mind a bit of CC, I think it might help to add a bit more description in, in terms of place/settings, or what people are doing as they talk - like "example" said James as he put his book on the wooden table. You know, something that helps add to the scene in addition to the dialogue.

But anyway, I really like your characterisation of all these Weasley cousins you've brought into the story, and I think you're doing well at the realism of their friendships and acting their age. Great job at writing all the emotion in this chapter too. Thanks for the swap, this was a great read! :)

Author's Response: Oh yay! Lovelovelove review tag!
Thanks for review the second chapter!(:

I'm glad that Lily is realistic. Its kinda hard writing younger, so I'm glad she comes across as her age.

I'm glad you also pointed that out. I think it would be crazy that all of them would be best friends all the time, especially with the age gaps.

Thank you again for the CC! I appreciate all and any, so I will go back and work on that!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!(:
Katie


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Review #2, by HorseMad99 Just an Act

29th November 2013:
Hi it's Beth your requested reviewer.
First off I really like Lily's little internal conversations especially when she says 'great. Just what I needed. Why don't I just wear a sign around my neck proclaiming my love for him.'
I'm a little bit confused about the part where is says 'I don't think I've ever seen Rose get this red. And Rose can get red.' I'm not sure whether you meant either 'I don't think I've ever even see Rose get this red' or did you simply put the wrong name in? Either way I think it would be better if you put it all as one sentence rather than having just a short sentence at the end of it.
The characters seem to be blushing (especially blushing violently) a little bit too often, maybe just try and think of a different way to phrase is so that you're not repeating yourself too often.
I really liked how Scorpius was almost a little bit overly polite when they collide with each other and in general I like his character as quite often he's just Al's sidekick and isn't given a huge character and I always end up feeling a bit sorry for him because he's just Al's copy.
It seemed at times that when the character was supposedly yelling it just felt a little bit out of place and as though it didn't really fit in, maybe you could just look back and change it a few times and also when they are yelling you could just add some caps?
I think for a first chapter you need to ease into the plot a little bit more, it started all of a sudden and I think that if there was a bit more back story then it would give some of the characters and bit more depth. Also if you add just a little bit more of Lily's thoughts/feelings it would give her character a little bit more substance.

I really like this chapter, it flows quite well but I think it will be helped a bit of you add a bit more back story which will also help with some of the characterisation. As a first chapter it was quite fast moving but I think the back story and extra thoughts/ feelings would even it out a bit.
I also really like the inclusion of the title into the last line.
Overall I think this is a really nice chapter, please feel free to re-request.

Beth :)

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much for taking the time to review!

You're suggestions are very helpful, so thanks again for that!

I'm glad you liked the chapter though, thank you for all your comments!

Katie(:


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Review #3, by SkyEcho Lucky Day

24th November 2013:
I can't wait to see where you're going with this! Normally I don't like shifts in perspective within the same chapter, but it feels right to have this here. I liked having access to both points of view and thoughts.

And speaking of that - at least we know that Albus feels bad about what he's done... which is good. I'm looking forward to finding out why he lied to Lily and Scorpius.

It's definitely realistic that Lily would avoid Rose. I just have a quick question about your line, "until I could work up my courage to face a raging Rosie." Why would Lily think that Rose would be mad at her - if Rose was the one to betray Lily by "dating" Scorpius? This isn't a huge thing, I was just wondering if you could add a little more to help explain that.

I also really liked your line where Lily talks about how most girls at Hogwarts have liked Scorpius - "...that can honestly say they have never like Scorpius. And those girls are blind." Just a quick note - change "like" to "liked" - not a huge deal, but just wanted to point that out.

I thought you wrote the bickering between Hugo and Roxanne very well. You use humour well throughout the chapter. My favourite part was when Lily describes herself running away from Scorpius. Hilarious!

Looking forward to reading your next chapter :)

Author's Response: Hey there!(:

Well, I'm definitely glad this works for my story!
And I totally agree there. You will find out though, once I have it all written.
I will also clear both of those up, thanks for pointing that out!
Hahaha! True story, Lily's running scene was totally me one time! Ha, so I'm glad it was portrayed well, lol

Thank you so much for your sweet review!(:


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Review #4, by ReeBee Lucky Day

20th November 2013:
Hey Katie! It's ReeBee from the forums!

Okay, so I have no idea what you're worrying about!! It's amazing and not at all like you've started again after three years!!

The story's plot is really good. It's something I've never read before. I have absolutely no idea where it's going to go next, an awesome thing!! Amazing job! The plot also seems very well planned out, I don't know how on earth I deduced that but, it seems that way!

I hate it when authors start off their story in the middle of the action, without no background info. But, somehow, you've pulled it off! I love it!! You somehow managed to incorporate the backgrounds of the characters and their relationships really well. The only thing I'd say is that maybe include an example of Rose and Lily's relationship, I know you have referred to it many times, but an actual example, maybe? Like, you could include one in the first chapter, maybe Lily rushes off to go tell Rose of her latest meeting with Scorpius? Just an idea, the story and plots still good without it!

Okay, thats really all the CC I've got. The character sounds her age, the characterisation is well done with room for more info in the next chapters and the plor is developing well :) So now for some fangirling, I usually don't do this in my 'supposed to help people' reviews, but theres so much drama that I cant help it!

How can Al do that!! How can he lie to Lily and tell her that Rose and Scorpius are dating?! He ruining so many relationships!! Ahhh!! Can't wait to see what happens next! Everyone loves a good drama! :)

-ReeBee

Author's Response: Oh, hey there!(:

Aww, thank you so much! Thats probably the nicest thing I've heard all week!(:

I'm so glad the plot is evident. I know where I want to go with this, and what I want to happen, I just think that sometimes others can't see.

I sometimes feel, that if I get started on background info in a story, I would never get anywhere. I literally have this binder, full of all the characters I've written or have been wanting to write, all thought out and characterized. So I could literally go on for days about them, but with that said, I'm glad my story seems to work for you.
Thats a super great example too! I'm having trouble with detail, but I think that actually might help me!

Whew, I am super glad, like over the moon that Lily's characterization is well!

Haha, your fangirling was totes adorb. Haha and I'm pretty sure you're the first one to pick up what Albus has done.:P
Kudos there!(:

Thank you so much, once again for your sweet review!

Katie


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Review #5, by SkyEcho The Smart Option

19th November 2013:
Hi KatieRoo!

Poor Lily! I think you did an excellent job conveying the range of emotions that she'd be feeling after hearing about Rose and Scorpius. I liked that the beginning showed a really quick change from being speechless and not knowing what to think, to being mad at Rose, then Scorpius... then acting like she she didn't care. It was very realistic!
You've created a character that I really feel for. I'm rooting for Lily...and what makes her situation that much worse is that it's her cousin, who knew about how she felt about Scorpius.


I thought the flow of your story is good so far. Chapter 1 starts off strong with humour and the revelation of the big problem. Then Chapter 2 has Lily dealing with the emotions of the big revelation.
I liked that you provided some background information regarding the families and how they were sorted into their respective houses. I think that if you added some additional description (physical, what they're doing, where they're looking etc.) to the characters you have in this chapter, it would strengthen your characterization of them.

I look forward to finding out what happens next!

Author's Response: Hey there!

Thank you so much for taking the time to do this, really, you're too kind!(:

I'm glad Lily is a realistic character for you! And that you're rooting for her. As I am several years older than Lily, I do sometimes struggle trying to make her sound her age. But I'm glad all comes across clear.(:

Wow, what a relief, I'm glad the flow is okay. I think sometimes I get too worked up about my own stories I find bigger problems than needed be. So thank you for clearing that up.
Now, description, I've definitely struggled with that. I have so much to say, I don't really think about the scenery. But, thanks for the word of advice, when I'm editing later, I'll try to fit more in.(:

Thank you so much again for your time, and kind review!


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Review #6, by marauderfan Just an Act

19th November 2013:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review.

Firstly, I really like your characterization. Lily seems quite realistic as a fourteen year old girl with a crush, thinking that any reason he wanted to meet her would be because he likes her too. Poor Lily :( Her kind of desperate hoping is pretty normal though! She acts appropriately to her age in the story.

I liked the way you wrote Albus too - a little bit of snark but he seems to be very close with his sister - he clearly cares a lot about her feelings and doesn't want her to get hurt.

As for the plot - well, at this point I can't really tell where it's going to go as I've only read one chapter, but you've definitely started strong and have lots of possibilities for routes the story could go. It seems to flow pretty nicely, although a little more description couldn't hurt! As is, the chapter is mostly dialogue, but I'm one of those people who loves description and I think even just the littlest details really help a reader picture the scene. So that'd be my biggest suggestion for the chapter.

There are a few typos in here as well, but they should be easy enough to catch with just a quick read through! Otherwise, your story is looking really good so far - keep up the great work! :)

Author's Response: Ah! Thank you so much for your kind review!

I'm glad my characterization is okay, this was my first time writing Next Gen, so I'm glad they seem realistic, especially Lily.

I'm glad the flow is nice too, I was worried it was a little rushed in some places, but I guess not.:P
Thank you for your suggestion to more description. As we speak, I am working on revising all chapters to this story, and will definitely include more description!
And, hopefully catch the typos.

Thank you so much again for taking the time to review!(:


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Review #7, by bookworm530 Lucky Day

16th November 2013:
I hope Lily finds out the truth soon...keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your encouragement! I so appreciate it!(:

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Review #8, by maraudertimes Just an Act

16th November 2013:
Hi!
Here with your requested review!

Okay, I realize that you wrote this a little while ago, so I'm just going to point out a few things first...

"'Ha ha, well lets just got to lunch.'" I think that's supposed to be go ;)

"That's great, besides Al, I'm the only one who he'll actually call by first name!" This sentence sounds a little strange. Maybe you should try reworking it?

"So, maybe telling Al of my serious problem off thinking too much at the wrong time..." Just a small typo, off where it should be of.

Now, onto the good stuff!

OMGOMGOMG!!! The ending! Geez! Poor Lily! Excuse me while I flail!!!

Okay, I'm good... Kind of.

Okay, so I think your characterization is pretty good, especially seeing as Lily is a 14 year old girl. Scorpius and Al are pretty top notch too, so kudos!

The one thing, if Lily 'loves' Scorpius, how did she not realize that he and Rose were together? Albus's nonchalantness on the subject made it seem like they were a public couple.

As for your concerns, the flow seems to be good, as I said, the characterization is good, but as for your concerns about it being too strong, I think it's perfect. You've already sort of introduced your plot (which I'm intrigued about, by the way), you've introduced the conflict, major characters, etc. It's a really good set up and a little fine tuning, what with the typos, could make it all the better.

The only thing I would suggest is making sure you have an exciting thing to go off of, like how Lily tries to break ScoRose up, or how she tries to make Scorpius jealous and ends up falling for the boy she's using, or even trying to help ScoRose when Rose (or someone) accuses her of trying to break ScoRose up and then accidentally messing up and making it seem like she really *is* trying to break them up, etc... Do you get it?

Needless to say, I really loved this and it's so sad!!! I'm super excited for the rest, so please feel free to rerequest!

Lo:)

Author's Response: Oh geez! Thank you so much for this lovely lovely review. I'm seriously beaming right now!(:

Okay, first off, thank you so much for pointing out those typos, I probably looked through this like 80 times, and didn't catch that, so thank you for your sharp eyes!

Agh, flailing. xD haha I literally laughed out loud when I read that, hahaha!
I'm glad my characterization is good, I feel like I'm hit and miss all the time with characterization. So I'm glad you thought it was good.(:

Moving on to Lily 'loving' Scorpius, and learning about ScoRose. Personally, I'll just rerequest so that you can see.:P

Again, I'm glad my concerns were okay too, and that you thought my set up was good. Happy dance like rn.

Thanks for your suggestions too! I kinda think I may incorporate a bit of one of those suggestions, but I'll be sure to credit you!(:

Thank you so much again, and I definitely will rerequest!

Katie(:


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Review #9, by hushpuppy The Smart Option

4th September 2010:
Speaking from experience I can honstly say that talking to Rose will not make anything better at this point. Maybr in a few months... Wha can Roee say other than she fell in love and didn't mean it to happen That doesn't help Lily, especially because Rose lied to her for SO long and hid the affair. It's totally uncool and Lily has a right to her anger, even if it is a waste of energy. She needs to yell at Rose and then eventually get over him.

Author's Response: Aww, I completely agree. As you will see in the next chapter.:)
Thank you soo much for reviewing!


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Review #10, by Ginny45 The Smart Option

16th July 2010:
Hey it is me again. :)
I feel for Lily so much her, own cousin!
I htink she has every right to be angry anyway me getting distracted again.
I really like how you had quite a emoitional chapter for your characters and then ended it on humor. It is a good strategy.
I like how Lily has her own little group made out of her cousin and brother and Dom is calm central character in the story which is good.
Again I didn't see any spelling or Grammar problems.
The pace and flow of this story are going well, not rushed not so slow people get bored.
Ginny45/RandomRed
xxx

Author's Response: Aww thanks! I'm glad my story doesn't seemed to be rushed. I was scared it did.

Again, this review made me smile!:) So thank you for reviewing.


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Review #11, by Ginny45 Just an Act

16th July 2010:
Hey it is RandomRed from the forums with your review! :)
I really like the conversation between Lily and Huge at the start of this chapter it mademe giggle.
Your characterisation is really good in my humble opinon.
I like how Al was trying to spare her feelings and I think this story is so relateable as lets face it we have all been there! Well maybe not the cousin part which mean it must hurt her all the more and I think you got across that hurt.
I felt so bad for her which means your doing something good that pulls the reader in :)
No spelling or grammar mistakes that I can see.
I am interested to read the next chapter and will do that right now :)
Ginny45/RandomRed
xxx

Author's Response: Aww thank you so much! This was a helpful review I was looking for!:)

I'm glad you liked it! This review made me smile.:)
Thank you for reviewing!


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Review #12, by kandekisses The Smart Option

10th July 2010:
Wow Lily is taking this really really hard.

I feel so bad for her. Yeah, I think a talk between her and Rose is due. I bet there is a good reason though. Rose wouldn't intentionally hurt her cousin like that.

Dominique was very insightful in telling Lily everything she should do. &I'm glad Lily is having Albus tell Scorpius she can't make it because I don't think she'll be able to.

I had to laugh though when she said Albus was the bestest brother in the world in front of James XD

You have a really nice start here. Your story just flows really well. &I'm intrigued to see what happens next. You have to stop by my thread and let me know when you've updated!

Excellent job hun.

Author's Response: I will most defiantly stop by your review thread again. :)

Thank you for the lovely reviews! :D


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Review #13, by kandekisses Just an Act

10th July 2010:
Awww that was really cute.

I loved how you characterized Lily. From the accidentally holding Hugo's hand to spacing out when Scorpius asked her a question because she was so in awe.

She has such a huge crush on him and it's pretty cute. I liked how Albus was trying to protect her at the end, you know doing his big brother duties.

Poor Lily! That sucks to find out something like that. &The fact that Rose lied to her when she knew how Lily felt. Gosh. It should be interesting to see how this works out. I wonder if she's still going to help him pick a gift?

Hmm.. very nice starter chapter. You wrote this very well. Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you very much. Yes, I myself feel super bad for Lily.:(
But things do get better as you'll see! Thanks again for reviewing! :D


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Review #14, by Ronsgirl29 Just an Act

20th June 2010:
Hello Katie! Finnally here with your review, sorry it took so long! Life has been crazy, haha I've hardly had time to write let alone review. But I'm here now :D

I didn't really see any mistakes with grammar or spelling, but I'm not grammar genius, as you know haha. There was nothing that I saw though :D

I thought the flow was nice and I really enjoyed the characterization of Lily. It was so funny at the beginning when she was spacing out and grabbed hugo's hand! I lol'd at his reaction. I felt so bad for her too. I know the feeling of liking someone only to find out they have feelings for someone else, it's just awful! And to find out it's your cousin is just a double whammy, the poor thing.

I also liked how Al was trying to be a good big brother, he wanted to spare her feelings and felt really bad about telling her. I wish my brother was that nice! haha

Overall, I thought this was a nice read, and I'm actually reading a Sarah Dessen novel right now so it was cool that this fic used a quote from her! The only critique I have is that the ending feels a little aburt. If I were you I'd add a little more at the end to give a bit of closure, or you could even turn it into a shortstory/novel if you wanted :D

Great job though, it was a nice read!

-sylvia

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I appreciate the supportative review. Thanks for the specific areas of the story. I'm glad you liked it!:D

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Review #15, by ethereal_insanity Just an Act

31st May 2010:
Hey there! It's etheral from the forums with your review! Before I actually get to the review, I'd just like to stop and say that I love your choice in look-alike for Lily (that is Lily on the banner, right?). Sophia Anna Everhard is adorable.

Okay, now onto your story. It is quite rare (in my case, anyways) to find a Lily/Scorpius fic, much less a good one like this. Your writing of each character is near spot on. Lily's pain is quite tangible and I just want to sweep her in my arms and give her a giant hug. Or give her some chocolate. I can't believe Rose, given what Lily has said about Scorpius, still went out with him. I would have least asked if it was okay before I did anything.

As to whether or not to continue this story...that is up to you. From what you've written so far, I can see a lot of possibilities for making it longer. I would be interested in seeing how Lily and Rose's relationship is affected by this. You say you have some ideas, so I say go for it. If you want to write more to this, then by all means do so.

Hope I've been of some help! If you need me to clarify anything, or want a review in the future, don't hesitate to ask.

-EI

Author's Response: Yes it is Lily. I know Sophia Anna is so cute! :D

Thank you so much for taking the time to review this. I'm glad you liked it and I think I will extend. I think I'd like for them to see her confrontation with Rose and with Scorpius.;)

Thanks so much again! :DD


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Review #16, by propertyoftheHBP Just an Act

30th May 2010:
This was cute! Lily's crush on Scorpius is written really well, it comes off just like a schoolgirl crush.

Only one part confused me:

"I don't think I've ever seen Rose get this red. And Rose can get red."

I didn't think that Rose was in that scene; did you mean to say Hugo?

Otherwise I thought that this was funny (especially where Hugo freaks out when Lily grabs his hand) and cute, and Lily's heartbreak is written well; it didn't seem overlly dramatic, except where it was supposed to be. Your quote was fit in well, too.

Good job!

Author's Response: Aww thank you! And yes! I did mean Hugo! =o.o= Thanks again for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it! :D

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Review #17, by LilyFire Just an Act

5th May 2010:
Aww...I was so happy for her, but then it turns out he was with Rose. So sad...

Author's Response: I'm actually working things out so I can tell the whole story here!
Thank you for reviewing! ^.^


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Review #18, by marciabarcia Just an Act

21st April 2010:
Poor, poor, Lily. I feel so bad for her, she's so naive and young.

xoxo
~Marcia

Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review! :D

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Review #19, by Estelle Black Just an Act

19th April 2010:
Hi MissSpiteFire/Estelle Black with a review here for the challenge you entered.
Oh My... this is... heartbreaking. Oh poor Lily, Lily is one of my fav characters. Oh i feel for her it's sad. and she really loved him and he was with her cousin, that would be so hard to hear, especially from your brother.
Oh this was great, i loved reading it.
thank you so much for entering and writing this beautiful piece.
Estelle XOX
I will tell you how you went when the time comes.

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I have to say, Lily has become a new favorite character for me too! :D

Thank you for the great challenge!


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Review #20, by Niki :) Just an Act

12th April 2010:
The idea of the story was very very very very good, but you told me to always be honest sooo... I think you're other stories have been written better. I don't know what it was but this particular story didn't draw me in like the other ones did. I think you could've written better about your super amazing idea. :) I think one thing that could've helped would be to add more information, like background information and show more into her thoughts or something. But I don't what the word limit is on this so that could've limited things. So anyway, super amazing awesome idea but could've been written better. Keep working and writing girl! :)

Author's Response: Thank you! :D

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Review #21, by Cherry Bear Just an Act

11th April 2010:
Teehee, wow, this was written for a bunch of challenges, huh? ;) Scorpius/Lily is not a ship I read very often - I'm much more partial to the mainstream Scorpius/Rose stories - but I still really enjoyed this. The best thing about this challenge is that there were hardly no repeats in ships; there was definitely no other Scorpius/Rose and only one Next-Gen ship that I can recall, so props to you for that. I really value stories that are original so I liked this a lot.

In the beginning, I like how you started right in the thick of things, without boring the reader with extensively dull descriptions. I think that dialogue is a really big part of this, and I envy your seemingly easy ability with writing it realistically. I really liked how you used dialogue to show the relationship between Lily and Hugo, and also Lily and Albus; I think a very important part of writing is showing the reader things, rather than telling the reader them. Instead of showing the reader how close Hugo and Lily are, you showed them by depicting the way they're comfortable enough with each other for Hugo to get annoyed when she takes too long in the library. However, I think you could have applied this policy of showing, not telling, to the rest of your chapter as well. For example, instead of telling the reader that Albus and Lily have a love/hate relationship, show them through their actions; to me, that explanation about their relationship seemed rather irrelevant and unrelated to the plot of the story.

I liked your interpretation of unrequited love. A lot of people think that it has to mean the person doesn't really know the person they love, as is the case with childhood crushes. When I realized this was a Lily/Scorpius story, I fully expected it to be the same situation; innocent little Gryffindor falls in love with bad boy Slytherin who has no idea that she exists, ect. ect. Needless to say, I was immensely surprised and extremely glad that you didn't go along with that cliche. At first, I was surprised that Scorpius had addressed her by her first name because, although most stories have Scorpius being friends with someone in the Potter/Weasley clan, you hadn't explained that bit yet so I was kind of confused. I think that it would've been better if the explanation of how they knew each other was put in the story when Lily first ran into Scorpius, rather than when she was talking with Albus. It might help to clear any confusion up (...or maybe I was the only one confused, in which case completely ignore this comment).

As I said above, I liked how you made Lily love Scorpius; I also love how you made the love sort of naive. You can tell that she's young and in love, and I think it makes the story all the more realistic. As most lovers are, she's so full of expectations that it's painful to read (in a good way, I suppose ;D) - she holds onto the optimistic belief that Scorpius asked for her to meet her there for some romantic reason, even if it's completely unlikely. I think that that makes the story all the more upsetting, but I also thing you could have played on the reader's sympathy for her more if you had written more about her reaction to finding out about Scorpius and Rose. The last part of dialogue between Albus and Lily seems really rushed, and I think you could've written more dialogue tags and more overall description of what Lily is thinking and feeling, rather than just write how she asks her questions and responds to his answers. Dialogue is powerful, but it also needs to be accompanied with description.

I've always been a very big fan of Sarah Dessen, so I'm glad that that challenge was combined with mine in a story; I thought the quote at the end of the chapter was very philosophical and particularly fitting for this story. I thought it was kind of ironic because the quote doesn't always have to necessarily mean romantic relationships, and I think that, with Lily in this story, it fits with all of her relationships. To an outsider, her relationships with Hugo, Albus, and Scorpius probably wouldn't make very much sense, but to her, they make perfect sense (and isn't that how everyone is?). However, I do think you could've made this wise statement a hundred times more powerful and poignant to the reader if you had expanded on this idea more. To me, it seems like the story was ended rather abruptly and at a sort of awkward point; I know that I, at least, would've liked to see more of Lily's reactions and perhaps her thoughts on returning to her room, or her confrontation with Rose.

The only other critique I really have is that there are a few easily fixed typos in here. I recommend getting a beta - which are always very useful if you want a second opinion on a story before posting it online - or, if not, you could just read through it carefully and catch the mistakes. There's not that many, so it's really not that big of a deal, but I just figured I'd mention it. It seems to me like your biggest issue is punctuating dialogue correctly. There's a great topic on the HPFF forums that I recommend checking out if you want help with this; it's in the Writer's Resources forum under the Grammar Guidelines subforum and it's called "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Dialogue". I know that I found it really helpful, at least.

I hope you don't think I'm overly-critical of this at all. Please feel free to ignore all my criticisms if they've at all offended you; after all, they are only an opinion and it is your prerogative to write your story however you want. With or without changes, I do think that this is an original submission and I really liked the snapshot of these lives that you've presented. Thank you so much for entering my challenge, and I hope you had fun writing for it! Check back on my profile page (probably within the next day) to see if you've won, mmkay? Thanks!

Cherry Bear

Author's Response: Firstly, thank you soo much for taking the time to give your opinion on everything you saw fit. I know this had to take a really long time for you and I really do appreciate the fact that you took time to do this, so thank you.

I've been meaning to just start a novel like that, just jumping in. I have to say, I cannot stand the begining of stories, so thats why I did that. I think you are right, I should have showed the reader with Lily and Albus, like I did with Lily and Hugo. I think I will most definatly work on that. I honestly think your right on the whole thing with Lily and Al. How does that have to do with my story? I don't go further into their relationship so why would that be importaint? Hmm.. Thank you for pointing that at to me.

I really like that suggestion you gave me about talking about Lily and Scorpius' relationship when they run into eachother. I will try that out and see how it works for me. Thank you again for going into specifics instead of leaving very vague comments.

And thats exactly the problem I thought so many people would comment on. I always always rush the endings. I think I get to caught up and feel like I need to rush to finish. I does seem rushed, now that I look back on it, and I really will add in more, since I, myself would like to find out and write what happens to how she reacts to that.

I think this quote was was a great quote for this challenge. Like i said in the last paragraph, I will try to add more in it and really get her reaction in it.

Thank you for listing that in there. I admit, my weakest part of writing is dialogue, so I will have to check into that soon. And a beta sounds super great too. Thank you for pointing out that I do have mistakes in here. :)

Lastly, I do not think you've been overly critical. I really like the fact that you had an opinion and you told me point blank. I really like the suggestions you made and just how very helpful you've been. I had so much fun writing this, and with several suggestions of yours I'm sure I can make it better.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to go through everything and giving your wonderful suggestions! :D


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Review #22, by xkaittloveex Just an Act

10th April 2010:
What a cool way to interpret this quote! And, before I begin, let me thank you so much for entering & sticking with my challenge.

There were some small errors in the story - just little things that can be changed around and fixed - so no biggie there. Plus since this isn't such a serious review I'm just going to talk about everything I liked in the one-shot!

First of all, Lily just cracked me up! So much! She reminds me of myself when I was younger (or maybe I still am that way.) I really feel like she was a character who can be related to a lot. So cute and innocent, yet so obvious like one other reviewer said. The way she looks up to Al (or at least that's the vibe I got) was also extremely adorable! I just really liked the way Lily was portrayed a lot!

The thing I liked the most about this, though, was the ending. I wasn't expecting anything like that AT ALL! I think my jaw actually dropped when I read that Scorpius was with Rose. I was definitely not expecting that at all. And I don't like it! He should have totally went for Lily instead. Bo! Anyway, that was such a good, cute,yet upsetting twist that I LOVED it. And, like I said, such a good interpretation of the quote!

Thank you so much for writing this. And thank you for entering the contest!!

Author's Response: Thank you for the amazing challenge. Actually I haven't read Along for the Ride, but once I got that quote I just had to go out and buy it! :D Great story!

Yes, I will totally must definatly have to go back and fix several things. I realized that when I had a friend look over it... =o.o=

Haha I actually wrote Lily with myself in mind, and really I wrote this on an experience I've gone through myself. I have always love Al and so I made Lily really look up to him and him be a huge part of her life. But, just in this little one-shot.

Thank you soo much for thoose last couple of words. I was hoping to get that response. I really wanted a different approach to this whole story, something different and not cliche.

Thank YOU this amazing challenge, and even more, for a making my day with this lovely review! :DD


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Review #23, by dracos_hotter Just an Act

10th April 2010:
I just finished reading that book a few days ago! What a coincedence...

Oh, poor Lily. So exuberant. So full of life. So... obvious. Sucks for her, I guess.

xE

Author's Response: Haha I just finished the DH and it really helped with my story. Thank you so much for reviewing! :D

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